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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable? 14 y.o girl and NYE...

116 replies

buzzingbees · 31/12/2014 11:49

My 14 y.o daughter wishes to spend NYE at a friend's (boy's) house. In total, it will be 4 girls and 2 boys (including her). All these children have been friends since reception at primary school, and I know all their parents - however, I am just not happy with her staying the night. The boy's parents will be out for NYE but will be home later in the evening; I am within walking distance but I am not happy as I know what 14 y.o girls and boys can get up to. DD promises me they are all 'friends' and nothing 'dodgy' will happen. She has taken huge offense to me not letting her go and does not understand why I am not happy, and I am starting to rethink. Am I being unreasonable by not letting her go? I have spoken to all her friend's parents and they are fine with it. Any advice welcome!

OP posts:

christinarossetti · 31/12/2014 13:20

Another in the let her go on condition that she calls you if she's concerned about anything.

Honestly, not being allowed to go is mortifying at that age. Trust me, she will never forget it!

CarmelasFridge · 31/12/2014 13:33

I wouldn't, but I'd let them all stay here and I'd stay out of the way for the evening.

Theas18 · 31/12/2014 13:42

Op honestly? You say you trust them all and thry are good mates etc but you aren't behaving as if you trust them an inch!

She needs to be practicing partying now whilst things are super safe and you are there as a sober safety net. At 18 she'll be at uni and have no experience or skills to handle party situations if you don't let her develop skills.

Let her go and let her stay - with all the brilliant safety ideas that have been mentioned- maths questions by text that need to be answered within 5 mins us genius and even a code word to text or call that means get he out of here now - and that you will do so without being the awfully judgy " I told you so" mother.

Higheredserf · 31/12/2014 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SouthernComforts · 31/12/2014 13:54

I'd let her go. And make sure she knows she can call you at any time - tonight and in the future - and you will go to her.

Or as my dad put it when I was 14, "call me anytime, day or night, I'll come and get you. And if you get arrested, don't call your mother she'll kill you"

Hulababy · 31/12/2014 13:57

You say these are close friends from primary school? So presumably you even know the parents a little bit? 4 girls, 2 boys with separate sleeping arrangements. I assuming they are mainly just friends know I didn't see any of my close primary school friends as potential boyfriends really.

I would be inclined to let DD go I think - and I am really not very lax at all!

But then I certainly wasn't having sex in any form at 14y and I only knew one girl/boy couple who were even verging along that line at that age, and the rest of us didn't think it was the norm at 14. Rest of us were only really at the kissing stage - and even then not that much of it! I had only had the odd alcohol drink and was def not at the stage of drinking lots. And drugs were no where near my radar.

I don't think DD is likely to be either - just based on what I know of her and her friends, including some of the slightly older girls at her school.

You know your own child though. If you have a fairly open relationship then you should know if you can allow it or not.

To be fair to your DD having to come home at 10pm for a NYE party does feel a bit wrong. Especially if her friends are all staying til midnight or later. She would probably feel a bit embarrassed about having to leave before the main event - the idnight NYE celebration.

Titsalinabumsquash · 31/12/2014 14:02

I'd let her go on the condition that you can call her and she answers (sounding sober) at any time.

I trust mine until they give me a reason not too.

Original poster

buzzingbees · 31/12/2014 14:09

Is it very unreasonable that my final offer was 10pm, no later? She is now refusing to go and will not partake in any of our family celebrations. I want her to celebrate NYE with us, but she is now refusing and I imagine she will spend NYE shut up in her room listening to music very loudly.

OP posts:

fakenamefornow · 31/12/2014 14:10

My parents didn't trust me to do anything

Mine didn't either, even though I was good and sensible and a top student. I ran away from home when I was 15 and never went back, failing all my exams (because I didn't take any, not being at school anymore). I was so unhappy at home and actually looked after myself fine away from home and was so much happier.

I would let her go but think I'm lean too far the other way because of my own experience and not wanting to repeat it with my own children.

ElizabethHoover · 31/12/2014 14:10

oh fgs let her see midnight in there at least
I am on #teamdd

ElizabethHoover · 31/12/2014 14:12

son 1 (Y12) and son 2 (Y9)here think you are being unreasonable and the 10 pm makes it no point in going at all.

' its like leaving a football match at half time'

not SO sure that will work with a d..

Original poster

buzzingbees · 31/12/2014 14:15

ElizabethHoover, luckily it does, daughter is football mad. Very good point. Will talk to her when she finishes her tantrum.

OP posts:

Titsalinabumsquash · 31/12/2014 14:15

I feel sorry for her, she'll be missing teen conversations, selfies and general group banter, so when they're all taking about it in future, she won't be included

My mum used to do the same to me, I went from being a sensible, well behaved teen to a parents nightmare, I only wanted a bit of trust and freedom.

rollonthesummer · 31/12/2014 14:15

Buzzingbees-surely you don't expect to say no and then have her happily join in with your family nye plans instead. I feel sorry for your dd, actually :(

ElizabethHoover · 31/12/2014 14:16

go on and tell her you got it wrong - and that adults do sometimes,

then give her a big kiss.
AW

ElizabethHoover · 31/12/2014 14:17

boys just cheered!

fakenamefornow · 31/12/2014 14:18

Put yourself in her position. All your friends are allowed to stay over but you get picked up at 10pm by your mum. I wouldn't want to go if I were her either, it would just be humiliating.

ElizabethHoover · 31/12/2014 14:22

OMG

Am I being unreasonable? 14 y.o girl and NYE...

Annunziata · 31/12/2014 14:22

Why should you let her go because she is having a tantrum? Don't give in to her behaviour.

Seeline · 31/12/2014 14:22

We had loads of mixed sleep overs at that age. And my social group had a very wide age range so it was mainly 14-16 year olds with quite a few older 18-20 year old males. Maybe 30 years ago we were all a bit more niaive but nothing beyond a bit of kissing went on. I think this was because whenever we did have a sleepover, it was always on the floor of the parents living room - no separation, or people/couples splitting off into different rooms. Did rather cramp your style but had the desired effect
If you are going to pick her up, at least let her stay until midnight, and then text her so she can come out to meet you rather than knocking on the door for her.
Given the set up of her social group, I would let her go.

ElizabethHoover · 31/12/2014 14:23

annun - because the OP got it wrong
I remember a tantrum at exactly the same age over NYE and my dad smacked me!

How odd now thinking about that

Annunziata · 31/12/2014 14:29

That's not an excuse and you shouldn't encourage that sort of behaviour.

ElizabethHoover · 31/12/2014 14:29

no, I am sure you are right.

giggles

MrsMcRuff · 31/12/2014 14:30

This sounds like a pretty 'controlled' situation to me. You know the parents, the teens have been friends since primary school, you live nearby, and the host's parents will be back about 1.

Presumably, given their age, there will only be a restricted amount of alcohol available to them, if any? I have had two ds, so far, go through the 'teen house party' years, and I distinctly remember the trepidation, from about yr 10 on, as they would end up at schoolfriends' parties where I didn't know the host, let alone their parents!

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 31/12/2014 14:31

It's not about letting her go because she's having a tantrum, it's about letting her go because you realise you are being massively unreasonable.

It's no wonder she's upset. A small group of friends she's known since primary school are having a NYE party, she's a good kid who hasn't given her parents any reason not to trust her, but they don't, they want her to go home at 10pm. That's not even half time, half time would be 5 past midnight, this is like being told you have to leave when all the players walk onto the field.

Of course she's not going to want to join in the family stuff, she's 14, she wants to be with her friends. Why shouldn't she be upset?

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