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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable? 14 y.o girl and NYE...

116 replies

buzzingbees · 31/12/2014 11:49

My 14 y.o daughter wishes to spend NYE at a friend's (boy's) house. In total, it will be 4 girls and 2 boys (including her). All these children have been friends since reception at primary school, and I know all their parents - however, I am just not happy with her staying the night. The boy's parents will be out for NYE but will be home later in the evening; I am within walking distance but I am not happy as I know what 14 y.o girls and boys can get up to. DD promises me they are all 'friends' and nothing 'dodgy' will happen. She has taken huge offense to me not letting her go and does not understand why I am not happy, and I am starting to rethink. Am I being unreasonable by not letting her go? I have spoken to all her friend's parents and they are fine with it. Any advice welcome! Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
buzzingbees · 31/12/2014 12:12

ICanTotallyDance, she is not yet menstruating which explains the outburst I presume! My fault on that one... Confused. She is sensible in the way that if I tell her to be home by 6, she is always home by 6. She doesn't go partying and get drunk (maybe due to the school she's at, and the lack of parties). In many ways, she acts her age. That doesn't me she doesn't have the occasional hormonal outburst!

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Yuleloglatte · 31/12/2014 12:12

I would say she could go but only if she answered my texts. Failure to answer in 5 mins would mean being picked up. I would ( and have) randomly sent times table and other questions as they have to be conscious to reply. It works well and injects some humour!

SacredHeart · 31/12/2014 12:13

buzzingbees I think letting her go but making her come home is a good idea. She can get a little buzz but not too much.

In my experience two or more people was a party! I was a sensible, hard working girl with respectable, polite friends who my parents trusted - little did they know mwah ha ha ha!Grin

Original poster
buzzingbees · 31/12/2014 12:14

DixieNormas, I do trust her friends in some ways. They have never done anyting dodgy, at least not to my knowledge!

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Original poster
buzzingbees · 31/12/2014 12:14

Yuleloglatte, fab idea!

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derektheladyhamster · 31/12/2014 12:14

What are the actual sleeping arrangements? I assume they won't be going to bed before the parents come home. Will the boys be in one room and the girls in the other. And yes I had sex in all sorts of places but the chance that a friend's parent might come home early and catch us would have meant I'd never do anything at a party like you are describing!

I would be more concerned if there were 2 girls and 4 boys tbh.

Coconutty · 31/12/2014 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GinAndSonic · 31/12/2014 12:19

Ah, 14... we used to go to a mates house, drink lager, get stoned and give our boyfriends handjobs.

Fond memories...

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 31/12/2014 12:21

You really need to go back and read all of your posts, you are contradicting yourself all over the place, in the manner of an older child who thumps the younger one, but would then thump anyone else laying a finger on them Xmas Grin

Talk to her about
1: not 'being able' to get pregnant.
2: not having her period had better not be the only reason she couldn't be pregnant.
3: alcohol.
4: other peer pressure behaviour.

But most importantly that if there's a problem, no matter what it is, what time it is, or anything else, she can call you and you will help her sort it out and she will not be in trouble. That is all you can do to help prevent a serious problem getting worse. It has saved lives.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 31/12/2014 12:24

Yes Gin, but I'm sure that wasn't restricted to NYE and from memory...staying over made absolutely no difference Xmas Grin

It just seems bonkers to say 'No' to a small NYE party with 6 friends who could meet up to shag, drink, whatever anytime. Different if they're asking to go to a massive beach party at which point I simply lied anyway.

Original poster
buzzingbees · 31/12/2014 12:26

derektheladyhamster, boys and girls sleeping in different rooms.

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DixieNormas · 31/12/2014 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoonToBeSix · 31/12/2014 12:29

Not having started periods is a stupid argument at 14. Have you told her you ovulate before your first period so you wouldn't know if you were fertile or not.

Original poster
buzzingbees · 31/12/2014 12:33

DixieNormas, yes I know the parents well.

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Original poster
buzzingbees · 31/12/2014 12:35

To be honest, the sex was a stupid argument. Her and her friends haven't delved into the world of sex and drugs, and my self-conscious daughter has never kissed a boy. It's the alcohol and the fact they are going to be alone that I'm worried about... I offered to pick her up at 10 but she said she'd rather stay at home. She's currently in tears.

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rollonthesummer · 31/12/2014 12:48

I would let her go and I like the text reply within 5 minute thing.

Friends of mine who weren't allowed to go to parties/sleepovers when the rest of us were or who got picked up early, went completely off the rails at 18-doing bonkers things! Two of them don't have any contact at all with their families now which is sad.

If she's sensible and so are her friends/their parents, I'd let her go. It could be a lot worse-eg she wants to stay with a load of new friends in an empty house and you don't know any of the parents.

IHaveBrilloHair · 31/12/2014 12:48

My parents didn't trust me to do anything, so I did all of it more sneakily, and put myself in some really dodgy situations.
I am so much more open with my dd, in the hope that by trusting her she will be sensible and will let me know if things get out of control as I will help without (immediate ) bollcking.

MarjorieMelon · 31/12/2014 12:52

A tricky one. On one hand I think you should let her go, they are just friends after all. On the other hand when I was a teen and we had these sort of get-to-gethers sex and vodka were usually on the cards.

I am not looking forward to having to make these types of decisions.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 31/12/2014 12:52

I think you're massively over-reacting. You know her friends, you know the parents and the parents will be coming home, plus you're within walking distance of her in the very unlikely event of there being a problem. Picking her up at ten on a NYE party would make her look like a baby. I think you should let her go - I imagine that the worst that will happen is that she'll have a couple of drinks.

MarjorieMelon · 31/12/2014 12:53

Let her go and send a few texts during the evening.

ElizabethHoover · 31/12/2014 12:54

You shoukd have planned for meltdown. !
I think supervised seiarate rooms is ok. Would be more worried by booze than sex

juliascurr · 31/12/2014 12:58

in 4 years she will be at university - the more practice she gets now, the safer she will be

juliascurr · 31/12/2014 13:01

rollon is absolutely right - the forbidden fruit is always irresistable

GinAndSonic · 31/12/2014 13:01

Id let her go

QOD · 31/12/2014 13:07

I wouldn't at 14. My Dd is older but doesn't want to do these things yet
her friend is 15 and had sex at 14 In a tent in the village field with 5 other.people in there. Fumble too far and but too squiffy to handle saying no etc.
15 maybe 14 ... no

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