Self harm

[PeterSpots]

found out this week that my dd14 is self-harming by cutting & scratching herself. I feel stupid for believing her excuses and devastated that I must have let her down. I just want to break down & cry about the thought of her so sad & alone hurting herself. I have called our family doctor and we have an appointment on Wednesday. How do I help her? She said she is sad but she thinks all teenagers are. She has had a rough 6 month with friendship issues, being left out, had a boyfriend who dumped her and was with someone the next day. These are things that a teenager may face but not all self harm. I'm struggling to get the balance right. I have given her a leaflet on distraction techniques and an elastic band on her wrist. I'm struggling. I feel like such a failure. How can I help her or stop her doing it again. All I'm doing is adding more pressure. It's all awful. I feel like nothing will be the same again. Someone just talk to me. I keep crying. Need to toughen up for doctors appointment tomorrow

Have no direct experience of this, but it is relatively common amongst this age group of girls . other people with direct experience will be along soon with support.

It's not your fault.
Hope your conversation with the GP tomorrow is helpful.
Virtual hugs.

Thank you. I feel my heart has broken. She is bright, quirky and funny but her scars show something else. I don't know how to behave. I just keep telling her I love her. Is it teenage angst or something deeper? Need help desperately

Some teens have more difficulty than others with dealing with their extreme emotions. Some teens also have the emotions stronger than others. That's why some sail through adolescent years easily and others find it really traumatic.
It's nothing you've done or could have done that's caused this. You knowing about it will have already helped her as it's not a secret which can add to stress.
Some teens benefit from outside help to come to terms with their emotions. Her school councillor will be able to help her and is easy to access. If you don't want to go through school you can go through your local youth service. A councellor will help her understand her feelings/ anxiety and give her stratagies to deal with it.
The waiting list for these councellors is usually a lot shorter than going through the NHS.

It's horrible.

My DD is also 14, she's been assessed by CAMHS, who offered nothing because their opinion is that it is normal teenage angst with an inappropriate outlet rather than an underlying problem.

I don't disagree with that - but it leaves me a bit lost as what to do next.

DD thinks it's not that big a deal, her friends do it too and is really unwilling to engage in any form of help...I could pay for a counsellor and make her go - but if she's doing it unwillingly I'm not really sure what the point is

The whole thing makes me so unhappy, I feel like I've completely failed her, a few months ago (before I found out) I'd have described her as a bright, chatty girl who I had a good relationship with...and if I didn't know she was cutting herself I still would.

It completely destroys me to think that my lovely DD is deliberately harming herself and I'm more used to it now than when I first found out, but, it isn't really any easier...sorry, that's probably not helpful.

There are lots of resources online about how to help, you knowing should make a difference - I think, although I don't know for sure that she's not doing it as much now I know.

But basically I'm posting to say, I think it's pretty normal to be upset, make sure you've got someone to cry at and hard as it is try not to do it in front of your DD because that just makes everything more pressured.

It must be so difficult for you.

I have a couple of friends who have gone through this with their daughters. Sadly, it is not unusual now days.

They have both got professional help, and it seems doctors are used to dealing with it now.

One bit of advice they were both given is to not make too much of a deal about it. If they was new marks, just say 'oh, you did that again' then nothing. Totally counter what any parent would want to say or do when seeing their child do that, but that is what they were both told.

Good luck with the doctor.

There are lots of reasons for self harm.
Well done for seeing the GP, it's a good place to start.
Agree to playing it down.

Hand to hold. It really isn't your fault. I was told not to stop DD from self harming. It was a safety valve for her. I found out about her sh at 14 too (from school) when it was just scratches she hid from me. For us, it was the tip of the iceberg, and in a way, an external indication of a monstous mental illness she was/is living with, and was starting to lose control to. She is now managing better, has many scars for life, and is doing what she can to enjoy life and make it better.

Friend had this after her children had a fallout with ex's new girlfriend.

Eldest started, and younger copied. They did stop soon after it was discovered and they'd had a chance to talk about things.

Many say it's about being able to control something, when the rest of your life feels out of control. I don't really believe in the suggestion the physical pain takes away some emotional pain, but that's just IMHO.

DD worries about everything, has admitted just feeling anxious all the time at times and not knowing why adn worrying about that too. DP bought her a book (don't ask me what it is) and she's going round picking out bits of it that chime for her and saying things like 'and that's changing/not happening', and seems more relaxed just understanding herself.

Rough Guide to Girl Stuff seems to get good reviews, chapter for every occasion so she can dip in and out. Stuff on friendships, relationships etc. Easy to read. Might be worth the few pounds.

Thank you so much for your comments. It is sad that people are experiencing the same thing but it helps to know we are not alone. We visited the doctor & he was very kind and has referred my dd14 to see a psychiatrist to help her get the support & counselling she needs. I didn't cry at the doctors which I was proud of. I've told her I love her but we all face challenges with people and we have to learn to tools to help us when we feel overwhelmed. I think the comments about not over reacting (even though I want to scream) was maybe a way to go. I've tried that today. I want to ask her to undress so I can look at her body. I am so stressed about what she's hiding under her long sleeved top & pjs....but would that be wrong? Would it make it worse? I am so annoyed at myself not noticing the signs on her skin but I just didn't come on my radar that it was self harm.

If she's willing to show you then it is supposed to be helpful...everything and everyone says though that you must not react negatively to what you see.

My DD hasn't shown me and it's on her legs so fairly well hidden... She did let the doctors look when she's seen them though so I think there isn't any medical attention needed, plasters and what have you are kept where she has easy access to them and I bought bio oil for myself and told her it would be in the bathroom if she ever wanted to use it on scars.

Basically offering her help without forcing anything on her.

Do be prepared for things you're not expecting to come out when she goes for help, my DD said she had had suicidal thoughts, though they hadn't gone any further than that.

Self harm isn't an expression of being suicidal btw, as I'm sure you're aware of if you've been reading anything, but more I mean, just be prepared that she may say things that you find upsetting at a later point even though you've been trying to talk to her.

I have an older DC, with a disability and I think that was actually easier to come to terms with than DD self harming...that might just be me being a bit rubbish coping with it though to be fair.

You sound better today anyway, so I hope she gets some useful help.

Oh and I noticed nothing btw, it was found at school and they informed me - it never ever crossed my mind that it was going on before that at all.

Thank you so much for talking to me. I feel better that she is going to get some professional help. I wish all our beautiful children overcome this horrible problem. Reading about SH & listening to your experiences has helped me to try & understand her and hopefully find a way to help her recover. (I will cry & scream on the inside)

Make sure you do get to cry and scream if you need to...just at someone else, lol.

My sister got the brunt of it for weeks until I was back on more of an even keel. I needed to be able to get it out to someone so I could talk to DD calmly.

Thank you. Only cried twice today. The hospital should be contacting me soon with an appointment. She is using her elastic band and rescue remedy but I thought she was coping then so how can I tell. Hoping the appointment doesn't take long & we can get some help?

It's awful.

We were at our first CAMHS appointment today for my dd1, also 14, also SH.
It breaks my heart that my baby is so distressed that this is the way she has felt she had to behave.

I'd type more but I'm totally washed out after the appt - nothing like as bad as she is, mind you.

Good luck with the doctor.

I don't think I have ever felt so lost but I can only do my best. It is such a shock. She seemed fine even though things weren't going well. I wish you everyone in this position well. I hope your appointment is the first step to recovery.

Dd found a variety of things helped a bit sometimes, such as drawing, carrying around little trinkets that remind her of LOs, music (both playing and listening) and mixing with friends, some sport and being a part of a sports club and helping out...but with DD the sh was also a distraction and coping mechanism for dealing with suicidal thoughts/images/feelings. I really struggled when I saw her scars. I hate that she has them. But she doesn't. That is what mattwrs. I would really hate it for her to feel the way about her scars I do....But I have tried to explain to her that if anyone else had done that to her, I'd be doing all I could to bring the full force of the law down on their head, to stop them. She doesn't see herself as others see her because she deals with constant thoughts of suicide. She wants others to consider this, and in her words, her scars help her explain who she is and what she is like on the inside. It helps keep the wrong sort of people away. They are like battle scars. Antidepressants have helped a lot. She's had a over a year of having treatment for an eating disorder and we're waiting for a CAMHS appointment to address the depression. She has seen a qualified psychiatrist just once or twice. They are very thin on the ground.

She finds superhero stories helpful and has chosen it as a way to help and encourage her...to be on the side of good, fight against death etc.

A friend is currently helping me to understand this at the moment, she still DH's but is trying to stop, it's really really nit easy.

She said the pain she creates stops the other pain because it's more intense.

She finds ice helps, it's pain without damage and running her hands under very cold water...it's still a firm of sh, but less damaging.

X

Thank you all for your messages. I didn't realise is was so common. She's upstairs not happy had bad day at school & boy who was chatting to her has stopped. I've tried to hover but I'm just annoying. Don't like her upstairs on her own & I know she hasn't got plans over the weekend usually I ask but maybe that's the problem too. Trying to keep things light. The weekend is long when you know everyone is out. Just want to know she's not SH but how do I know. Thinking about getting a dog/puppy for her to love/be loved. A distraction maybe?

Your words about "trying to keep everything light". I totally understand- I've been there.
It feels slightly dishonest but it IS a strategy just to keep the plates spinning.
You are not alone

There are many reasons for self harming and at her age mum is often the hardest to talk to .Often they don't wish to upset us with dark thoughts.Is there another family member or friend who she might open up to ?you are right to take it seriously though. It's more likely to indicate not coping in some way than copying others. There are tools she can learn through therapy which help. Keeping calm and consistent is good advice if you can. For some like my DD things became much harder before they got better as she started to admit and deal with these feelings and it took time patience and the right professional help .Suggesting she write thoughts down giving her a notebook is one way we found helpful.I felt so so guilty but several years on I see guilt and fear probably made things harder for both of us. If you are struggling ask your gp for cbt .Young minds is one of the few websites which is aimed at young people. I suggest baking rather than a puppy at this stage while you work out what's going on as it may be too much extra responsibility but in recovery pets were very important to my DD. Good luck to you both.

I think there are more of us opening up about this now. Even a couple of years ago these wasn't as much of a response on MN. Hope we can support one another.

Agree about guilt. I still feel guilty sometimes or worry too much, it's my way, but a habit I'm learning to break. It's important to address it, to see it as one's own problem to deal with and not burden DD with it, as they can interpret it as their fault. I went for some counselling at a local charity just to have someone to talk to about it each week.

This week DD has visited a friend in hospital who is on a psych ward due to sh. She is 16, and went with other older friends who are all supportive too. It is a good way to get/give something positive out of her experiences in small ways that she can handle.

Thank you. It makes me feel less alone. Today my daughter was told she is struggling in set 1 of science & was kept back then walked on her own at lunchtime & tonight the two girls who she is being left out with (used to be best friend) have had a gathering tonight with a group of boys & not invited my dd & it's all over Snapchat & they spent the day together in classes & didn't say a word. Want to say the right thing so she doesn't self harm.

Trying to be strong but I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack. I think she has more on her hands.

Can you do something nice with her for a treat ? Out for coffee and cake ? cinema ? A bit of shopping ?

I think this is the worst age for SH in girls. My Neice did it a bit but I think only because it was common with her peer group and they sort of urged each other on via Facebook ......

Are you a single parent, OP?

I think it would be worth having a quiet word with your DD's head of year, or form tutor or pastoral advisor; whoever is most likely to be sympathetic. Someone with some experience of what to look out for, and who can keep a kindly look out for your DD in school.

DD had this kind of thing on and off. Again, for her it got worse before it got better. She wasn't able to feel anything, was completely numb for months on end. It affected how she interacted with people. She became anxious. Being left out was nothing to the difficulties she had with getting herself to actually go to something she was invited to. She would be a shaking, shivering, crying mess beside me in the car. She did it though, and ut did gwt easier. She was able to talk to one or two friends about her illness and they were able to stick up for her when she was bad mouthed for missing lessons or being late (lots of counselling to go to, and going home for meals). By the junior prom she had made friends again with all her year 7/8 friends the best she could. A lot of her school friends had tough problems to overcome themselves, and they were able to talk and find out more about how to help people in similar circumstances. She couldn't manage a birthday party or results celebration but did have a summer sleepover of friends from school in the summer.

She made her best friends outside school though. These are still friends now, who she goes out of her way to keep in touch with. I'd really recommend some kind of outside interest.