Self harm

[PeterSpots]

found out this week that my dd14 is self-harming by cutting & scratching herself. I feel stupid for believing her excuses and devastated that I must have let her down. I just want to break down & cry about the thought of her so sad & alone hurting herself. I have called our family doctor and we have an appointment on Wednesday. How do I help her? She said she is sad but she thinks all teenagers are. She has had a rough 6 month with friendship issues, being left out, had a boyfriend who dumped her and was with someone the next day. These are things that a teenager may face but not all self harm. I'm struggling to get the balance right. I have given her a leaflet on distraction techniques and an elastic band on her wrist. I'm struggling. I feel like such a failure. How can I help her or stop her doing it again. All I'm doing is adding more pressure. It's all awful. I feel like nothing will be the same again. Someone just talk to me. I keep crying. Need to toughen up for doctors appointment tomorrow

It's a form of descrimination to leave her out because of depression/mental illness. The school could probably support all the students better by talking a bit more overtly about mental illness and how friends can help one another.

Self harm can be a way of control when everything is out of control ie usual teen growing up stuff. I went on Child protection course recently and they touched on it, it's very common.
When cutting it realises a feel good hormone. She will probably be referred to CYPS (cahms).

Thank you. She said last night that she doesn't want to see the consultant/then counsellor because isn't going to do it anymore because I know now......but from what I've read it isn't that easy. I said do one appointment at a time & that I trust our GP & he has said it is best to see someone who specialises to help her find different ways to deal with things. I see more & more marks on her hands fingers that I just didn't realise were there. It is hard to know what she's thinking. We went shopping today & I saw glimpses of her happy again.

I did email her form tutor & said that I was concerned about her emotionally & to please discretely keep an eye out & let me know it she concerned. I didn't mention SH but I am surprised her hands have not been noticed. She said she will stop because they are ugly & she doesn't want to be judged. But I'm not sure it she's just saying the right things. I just hope the appointment goes well

Are there any books anybody would recommend?

I'm sorry to keep posting but I don't have any support/haven't told anyone & husband is so moody. My dd has a scratch on her face & where she has dried skin on her face she scratched it & it has little blood bruises. She said she hasn't done it but I don't believe her & I'm ashamed to say I can't stop crying. I feel I'm letting her down. I feel like I can't breathe. I know that's my problem not hers but it is literally breaking my heart. My husband is in his shed & he hasn't spoken to me since he came back on Thursday from travelling. I don't want to burden anyone

Hi don't want to read and run , if it's any help my Dh self harms, when I notice he is doing it I know he is feeling stressed and we sit down and have a good chat and try and work out why he is stressed , I do point out that I have noticed fresh marks on him but it is purely a observation and i was wondering what has triggered it , over the years it has become a lot better and happens very rarely , I hope you can resolve this and good luck .

Thank you. I just hope her appointment is quick. I am sure she has harmed her face

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I have an absolutely no boyfriends rule with 14yo dd. Totally non negotiable. Like your daughter she does not have the emotional maturity or resilience to manage the inevitable ensuing fallout.
Far too young for boyfriends, ime.

Please try and stay calm ( I know from experience it's very hard) for us when we realised that the harming was a symptom rather than the major issue things became a lot better , by going off on one at getting stressed by it I made him become secretive and he would hide it and shut me out , don't let her do that to you , keep calm and don't make it a taboo subject , talk,talk,talk .

I recognise the crying and feeling bad about it. It stems from blaming oneself. I don't know of any books specifically for sh, but one I read relating to eating disorders described this very well. It identified 3 unhelpful ways parents react to their child's illness.

1. There is the jellyfish (us) who blame ourselves. (The answer is to stop. Really believe it that unless you have deliberately and knowingly put your child through some trauma, which doesn't match up with your posts, you have not caused this or contributed to it.)
2. the ostrich who sticks their head in the ground, pretend it isn't happening, remains in denial and doesn't engage with child in a way that helps them. (grief and feeling as if there is nothing they can do to make a difference.)
3. The rhino who shouts at child or blames them, tells them off, charges at problem and tries to control it and tell everyone what to do, etc. (Basis: fear and anger.)

So firstly, hwlp yourself by not accepting blame. I started to realise this was my lazy short cut to a solution, faced with no idea of what to do.

What you and your DH can do is constantly support one another, keep a calm and friendly family atmosphere going. Try to keep mixing with wider family and trusted friends with DD.

Thank you. I just blew it. I started to cry and she called me pathetic & that's how I feel. Absolutely pathetic & a waste of space as a mother but I take your comments on board & I have to put my emotions second but it's so hard

I am all those animals!

I think I switch between those 3 animals as well, lol.

You're not pathetic, I cried at everything for weeks.

I had to go off to the toilets for a cry when I took her to the doctor because there was a little girl in the waiting room chatting away and the contrast between her and why I was there with DD was too upsetting...that's pathetic, lol.

But I don't see how it can be anything but upsetting to know that your child is hurting themselves.

Is there anyone you can talk to? Just someone to sound off at?

To be all those animals is completely normal. I think you'd have to either be exceedingly well trained or somehow conditioned to not show emotions or otherwise a psychopath to not some at least some degree of some combination of these!

Try to tell your DD that it shows you care. That she is going to have to give you some time to adjust and to accept her sh for what it is, to understand and learn to help. Ask her what would be helpful, too.

Understanding how your actions and words are helpful or unhelpful to your DD is the key.

Teenagers are expected to behave properly, without losing their temper of being in floods of tears, or disengaging while enduring whatever it is that triggers their self harm. So for them, seeing an adult who is supposed to be exemplary demonstrating that they cannot cope, makes them want to distance themselves. DD found support on the Internet at this time and started an anonymous blog to get support and as an outlet for her thoughts, feelings and the images in her head. At the time I misinterpreted some of the things she liked to watch and the music she liked etc as bad influences, when in fact she was getting important emotional support from the fact that others were living with the same illesses, thoughts and terrors that she was, and she didn't have to end her life to get away from it or recover.

The hardest thing was going shopping for prom dresses with DD. It was a huge priveleger, but very hard to do. It took many trips to find anything that fitted, she could barely cope with seeing herself in the mirror (eating disorder related, not sh) and I had to accept that the cuts and scars on her arms and shoulders and front would be on show, around so many others who were dressed up as princesses...But by then we knew each other better and I was able to tell her that she is beautiful on the insude and that outside. I could genuinely say that she looked beautiful in every dress she tried on. I privately wept that her skin was cut and scarred, but to her, the scars are a part of the battle that is life and she wants them, they are a part of her. I've learned to accept the scars now as a part of her, and as a part of the fact that she has undeniable rights over her own body, and the scars are an indication of her freedoms and the help and support she's has as much as the difficulties she has gone through and survived.

I self harmed as an older teen and my mother still isn't aware of it. It wasn't so much that it was an indication of suicidal thoughts as I had so much worry in my head I felt like I was going to explode and by cutting I felt that all that worry was channelled through the pain and escaped out of my body. I'm sure the adrenaline helped too.

My scars are still visible, but healed now. The thing I am now scared of the most is upsetting my mother so I have never worn short sleeves around her since. To see her beating herself up over something like this would be awful as at the time I really don't see how she could have known or done any more for me. Therefore to you, dear OP, I would like to offer hugs and reassure you that this isn't your fault and you are doing such a good job at trying to get her help and supporting her. Your DD is at a time when so many hormones are out of whack that sometimes it feels overwhelming. Keep on letting her know you are there for her

Thank you so much your posts are really helping. It helps to hear all sides. I can't tell my family or her sister as I feel it would be a betrayal & she doesn't want me to. I have told a colleague at work but most of my friends are my dd or oldest dd mothers. I feel she isn't ready for the world to l know. I have ordered her a book on teenage emotions & getting through your teenage years to help her incase her referral is a long time. I can't tell you how much your posts mean at the moment

Completely agree that it is really very important to keep that confidence and not tell the parents of her friends etc.

There should be a school counsellor your DD could see, but it might involve being pulled out during lessons or time with her friends. DD found it unhelpful (the counsellor's favourite phrase was 'it's all a bit shit, isn't it?' and DD couldn't find any words to express the depression she was experiencing, so this was unhelpful.) Also she felt she was being made to appear different in her peer group. She knows she is different, but this felt like inequality and she hates things like that. Not what she needed at such a low point in life!

Hand holding here PeterSpots.

There is a teenager volunteers with me at work and I found her Mum sitting in the car crying while she waited to pick her up, and then I saw the girls arms, cuts everywhere. I felt so sad too and helpless.

I suspect this is something entirely new to your husband and he is hurting too but doesn't know how to talk to anyone about it. Can you get him to do some Internet searching so he can learn about SH in teenagers and get a better understanding of why they do it. Then you might be able to talk to each other.....

....enough amateur advice.....

Thank you. We have been searching & trying to find ways to help but we are drowning in our own sadness. I suppose there must be some kind of process where you get to the point where you just find a way to accept you can't control it. It is devastating when someone you love is hurting & scaring themselves.

It is a real shock when it happens and it is important she doesnt feel like what she is doing is making life worse for everyone. You may not comes to terms with what is happening very quickly but try around her to be normal and calm and consistent and quite practical , controlling extreme emotions .

Its hard to recommend books, and when I was going through my own DDs severe depression, a therapist suggested that there is no 'normal' when dealing with teen mental health issues so its hard to categorise into chapters. She may well have no idea why she feels as she does, and thats why expert help (not emotionally involved too) is important and her specific thoughts and symptoms assessed and she is given specific tools to cope. Is it stopping her from being at school and on top of her work ? Is she sleeping ? is she eating?

Young Minds website is helpful for parents and you can even ask for a callback from a mental health professional to get advice how to approach things.

You really can help things get better as other posters advise Now she has admitted it, You should be honest with the school about the level of SH (they will be bound by confidentiality) and they will have come across it before . you could ask to speak to the counsellor so you have confidence they have experience (schools differ) or find a private psychotherapist for an assessment if Camhs take too long.

Explain to her if you can that talking with someone is not to make her stop SH, but to help her understand why she does it, and how she can be helped to feel differently so she doesn't feel as much need to do it. Do keep telling her your love her, support her, and whatever she is feeling, you will be there for her. You may not understand what she is going through, but you and her Dad will be there no matter what. When a teen is low, they need to hear you being strong and in control maybe more than you imagine. Don 't pressurise her to talk to you, but give her confidence that many other young people go through these difficult times, and things will get better with the right support and help.

She may respond swiftly to help , but I advise professional assessment as there are many of us on here, whose teens have needed ultimately much more support and help, much patience and more time than anyone imagines. its a really positive thing you know what is happening and she is talking to you before the SH has escalated further. I hope something in here is helpful an wish you all well. .

Yegodsand little fishes gives good advice and I havent seen the animals reference before. It's true.

I can't remember where I heard this (on TV) but someone was saying that many families experience shame when a family member is ill. The illness can be cancer, Lupus, heart conditions, Alzheimers or something like this. I think it is easy for us to see that there is nothing shameful in these, any more than a broken leg or poor eyesight. There is nothing shameful about mental illnesses either, and families who have a family member with mental health difficulties experience the same shame. I think because of societal misconceptions, addressing this is important with MH problems as the shame seems to hang like a cloud over some families. It has to be a part of treatment to address this. It is something you can start looking at now, and while not talking to people to keep confidence is important, it is really important to talk to one another as though this is something on a par with a car accident injury (where no one is at fault) in terms of not experiencing it as something shameful. Our DDs don't have to be normal or perfect for us to love them, and it is really important to tell them we love them and we want to keep getting to know them better as they grow and change. They need to see and experience signs of a parent's love and feel cared for.

Just had another interrogation of why? I can hear myself doing it & I can't stop. She says she's fine now because she's told me & feels better but how can I ever trust her again. It's like I don't know her anymore. This is so shit. I feel like I've lost her & she can just lie whenever she wants to

Well, it's a reality check. Tbh that feeling of loss is a realisation that she was never yours in that way, as she has her own life and choices to make, her own mind that you can never fully know. Teenagers and their parents spend a lot of time not knowing or understanding each other, it is part of the territory of growing up and gaining independence. That's the tricky part, as it is what you both want but thwre is a t of tooing and froing between them needing a lot done for them and them making great good strides out in the world. It is more important, and harder, to ask yourself how much she can trust you in various ways, not the other way around.

A lot of children do stop self harming at around this stage and never look back.

Lies are not necessarily something she is consious of making up. It could be her way of coping, a defence mechanism, a part of a wider illness/problem, a way to fill gaps in her memory or understanding.

I have a 'trust and verify' policy for a number of things, from who she is with and where, what she keeps in her room, what she does online, to keeping up with school work. So I trust, but I reserve my parental responsibility to do spot checks from time to time without any announcement, and usually without her knowing. If things don't add up, I ask her about it and flag it up with DH while we decide what to do and wait it out calmly until the story unravels.