Self harm

[PeterSpots]

found out this week that my dd14 is self-harming by cutting & scratching herself. I feel stupid for believing her excuses and devastated that I must have let her down. I just want to break down & cry about the thought of her so sad & alone hurting herself. I have called our family doctor and we have an appointment on Wednesday. How do I help her? She said she is sad but she thinks all teenagers are. She has had a rough 6 month with friendship issues, being left out, had a boyfriend who dumped her and was with someone the next day. These are things that a teenager may face but not all self harm. I'm struggling to get the balance right. I have given her a leaflet on distraction techniques and an elastic band on her wrist. I'm struggling. I feel like such a failure. How can I help her or stop her doing it again. All I'm doing is adding more pressure. It's all awful. I feel like nothing will be the same again. Someone just talk to me. I keep crying. Need to toughen up for doctors appointment tomorrow

Peter, please don't say that, you are SO not a crap mum, you sound like a wonderful, kind, caring mum who is doing her very best under incredibly extenuating circumstances. Just think that, one day when the dark mist has cleared, she will look back and understand and appreciate what you are now going through and realise how lucky she was to have you looking out for her. I am sending you big hugs to help you get through these dark days xxxxx

Thank you so much for taking the time to post. It makes such a difference to hear other peoples experiences. I know my attitude will make the difference & I think she sees me as the rhinoceros charging around in a panic when what I'm trying to say is that I care, I love you & it will pass & how proud I am of her. She really is such a beautiful soul who has found things overwhelming

another night were she just shouts at me to get out of her room. I don't know what to do anymore. It's like she hates me & I just make everything worse. I don't know her anymore & it just makes me cry & cry. I don't know how this all happened. She just calls me a drama queen & pathetic. It is literally breaking my heart.

It is a very hard time and I do understand, and know that feeling well. I thought my heart was breaking too...looking back, I think it needed to break as it was often too hard! (To stretch the figure of speech.)

I don't know if you are at all religious, and I am not trying to push religion on you, but I often found that story about Jesus getting lost and separated from his parents when they were on their way back from a trip to their homeland to be a comfort and gave me the courage to encourage DD, give her space, and let unimportant things go for the sake of restoring, or offering peace or love. They have their own lives and have to learn to deal with their own problems. I rarely went into DD's room. Occasionally would search it for things she might use for suicide, or to do a tidy up and sort out clothes or change bedding. Otherwise I tried to give her privacy in her room and the right to have some control over at least that space. I generally knock(ed) before going into her room, asked if I could go in, and talked to her through the door. It seemed to help build up some trust. (Her trusting me...which is where the trust needed to be repaired.)

Also, don't neglect your own health. I had, which was part of the problem. Once DD was getting help I realised I neded to show her that it's important to go to the doctor (or whoever) and get tested or get advice if you have an ailment or condition. Not just put up with it and soldier on like a martyr. I found I had a whole series of minor chronic conditions which I now have various sorts of help for. This puts me in better condition to be a stable influence on DD and a more reliable source of comfort etc.

I went through this with my daughter from the age of 15 to 16. Her moods were unpredictable and her schooling was suffering. Her self harm was incredibly bad - lower and upper arm, thigh and stomach. I would go into her room before she came home and take away anything that was sharp and I would find her bed sheets and pillow slips covered in blood. I tried many time to get her help but she would pull out at the last moment, even tried to jump out of a moving car. She came to me one morning saying she needed help as she wanted to kill herself, I took her to the children's hospital - she did speak to the councilor that time. I was going through her room and found letters to herself and she loathed herself so much, I just sat and cried. One day she suddenly changed and was back to her old self. I continued searching her room and I came across a prescription to the pill. While I was concerned I realized by the dates that this is what incredibly caused the change in her. Since this day she has not self harmed, is happy and just back to the way she was. I have not said anything to her about going on the pill - she is no longer with her boyfriend. I do mention things about how girls should be responsible as one of the girls in her school became pregnant.

I mentioned this to my doctor and he said with teenage girls it can just be a hormonal imbalance and that going on the pill may have sorted things out. (I know that a lot of mothers would have reservations about the pill for their daughters - but I would rather that than antidepressants.)

Please don't give up hope, be there for her no matter what, she needs to know that you are there for her to fall back on. My daughter's body may be scared but her heart is good, and she is healthy and happy.

Hello. Thank you for posting. My dd started counselling this week so I hope it will help. I feel so desperately sad & I ache everywhere but I am trying to take each day as it comes but thank you for the comment about the pill. It is like she has been flooded with being a teenager/hormones & it has been a shock. I keep telling her I love her & things pass but it is a daily struggle which we all feel

Hi, I understand. My DD was so totally out of control. I could not say anything to her without it turning into a screaming match.

She took off from school one day telling the teachers she was going to kill herself. She wouldn't answer her phone, I had to call the police - I just drove around trying to find her and calling her friends. She turned up the next afternoon, the police had to sight to before closing the case. It did not phase her at all.
Once she went on the pill all arguments stopped, her behaviour at school improved. I think in some teenagers it is about the flood of hormones they have surging through there bodies.

I have spent many nights crying and blaming myself. I know now it wasn't my fault. She is now 17, last year of school and great grades. Part-time job. She is loving and kind. She still tells me sometimes to get out of her room but with no malice.
I know it is incredibly hard getting up each morning knowing you have to go through it all again. It will get better and she does love you.
My DD does not like anyone to mention her scars, even me. I just bring home different things to help with them. Cold pressed castor oil is a good one to try, it softens the scar tissue and coconut oil.
I hope that the counselling helps. Just remember it's not your fault. If your teenager hates you then you are doing a good job. We are there to guide them through not be their best friends.