Self harm

[PeterSpots]

found out this week that my dd14 is self-harming by cutting & scratching herself. I feel stupid for believing her excuses and devastated that I must have let her down. I just want to break down & cry about the thought of her so sad & alone hurting herself. I have called our family doctor and we have an appointment on Wednesday. How do I help her? She said she is sad but she thinks all teenagers are. She has had a rough 6 month with friendship issues, being left out, had a boyfriend who dumped her and was with someone the next day. These are things that a teenager may face but not all self harm. I'm struggling to get the balance right. I have given her a leaflet on distraction techniques and an elastic band on her wrist. I'm struggling. I feel like such a failure. How can I help her or stop her doing it again. All I'm doing is adding more pressure. It's all awful. I feel like nothing will be the same again. Someone just talk to me. I keep crying. Need to toughen up for doctors appointment tomorrow

she probably can't tell you 'why' either, she may not know and that's why talking to a professional is important, to unravel the whys and help her find other coping mechanisms for difficult feelings she needs help understanding. You are being very honest in your pain, and I recognise how hard it is but please try not to push her away while she is so vulnerable and keep telling her you love her . Say you don't understand but together you will find support and help. Taking a practical, firm and calm approach to trust is best. Also please dont lose hope. You may not recognise her at the moment and she is probably defensive and very scared. she is still the same person, but not very well and as she needs the right professional assessement and support alongside a supportive family.

If a few weeks CBT is available to you via your GP, I think it would be really helpful for you to address these difficult thoughts in a safe space, so you can get some help to appear strong at such a difficult time.

I haven't read all the posts in this thread but got as far as the one where OP asks for books that might be helpful and asking for support.

Have a look at the National Self Harm Network forum, I've found it quite helpful. Be careful though, some of the posts can be quite upsetting.

I've also got this book which I'm currently reading and so far I'm finding it helpful.

I'm trying to set up a support group for parents of young people who self harm at my DD's school, so far it's been a frustrating process with everyone I've spoken to saying it's a brilliant idea and they'll pass my contact details to such and such, and then nothing happening. I'll persevere though because one of the things I've found difficult is the lack of support for parents in this situation.

I wish you strength OP, it's heart-wrenching having a child who self-harm.

The 3 Cs of self harm, something to remember when someone you care for self harms:

I didn't cause it

I can't control it

I can't cure it.

I read this on the NSHN forum and find it calming to repeat to myself in times of crisis.

Hi OP
Just a hand to hold. I am going through the same. She is 17 and so depressed. Her body is covered in scars. She has been prescribed anti ds.
I have today been signed off work because I cant work without crying and in my job that is not gonna work.
I feel so alone. I cant talk to my family and my oh (not her father) and her father are no use at all. My dp is very sympathetic but cant offer any help/advice and her father (for real) thinks she should "snap out of it" and blames her ex boyfriend. One of the reasons we broke up was his inability to understand mental illness.
I hate everyone today, my life is in pieces for a variety of reasons but mostly because of my beautiful daughter. I understand but I so dont understand.
Im going back to the Dr tomorrow to see if they can give me some anti ds to help me cope - the advice Ive had so far is if you cant look after yourself.... so make sure you do. Be kind to yourself (easy for me to say). Its not your fault (really easy for me to say )
Hugs

I want to scream STOP so fing loudly. Fing STOP

oh Peter I understand how you feel, that's what I want to do too :( but I know it wouldn't help.

I'm sorry you're going through this

Oh Peter. This is my first post on Mumsnet as I just had to reply to you. It could have been me writing your post and, whilst I don't have any advice, I can wholeheartedly relate to what you are going through.

I discovered last week (through stumbling across his open facebook account) that my DS 13 has been discussing self harm at length with a friend who has self harmed for some time. He has made a couple of attempts at hurting himself (but luckily at this stage wasn't successful). Through this however I have discovered that someone who I have always believed to be a happy-go-lucky, relaxed, confident and well-adjusted boy is actually someone much more complicated underneath. It is deeply distressing to learn that your beautiful, precious child wants to hurt themselves when every essence of our being as a parent is all about trying to protect them. It has quite simply brought our whole word crashing down around us and, like you, I feel helpless, useless, miserable and am wondering what the future will now hold.

He feels he is anxious and depressed which is also devastating and, to me, feels like a terrible reflection on our parenting skills. How did we not know this was happening? I keep wondering if we did something wrong, were we too strict, not kind enough, thoughtless? Things I had never considered before but which are now spinning around in my head every minute making me sick with a feeling of deep dread in the pit of my stomach.

On a more positive note, DS has just had a session with his school counsellor which he found a very helpful experience. He says it was good to talk about things openly and put things in perspective. I have also spoken with his form tutor who is lovely and will be keeping an eye out for him at school. We have also made an appointment with our GP to see what advice he has.

In the meantime DS has pleaded with us not to allow every day life to be any different, he is so worried things will change and that we will be walking on eggshells (which obviously we will!). So we are putting on our happy faces and are carrying on as usual which he says really helps. We also encourage him to spend more time in our company rather than in his room alone which, surprisingly he doesn't actually object to!

It is so good to know we are not going through this alone. I really hope that things improve for you and your daughter soon and I really can't put into words how much I am feeling your pain.

It is heartbreaking for us. It was a challenge today at work to keep it together. Thank you for letting me talk on here as I have only told one person at work as all of my friends are my dc mums. We had a chat today & I said that I am not going anywhere & we would face it together with as much honesty as possible. I have bought her a book on understanding teenage emotions & how horrible they are for her to read when she is ready. As parents we love them beyond words

You sound like a really lovely, kind mum and it sounds like your daughter is in a good, safe pair of hands, just where she needs to be right now. Here's hoping for better days to come soon...

You too. We all have a journey ahead & happy to help each other along the way. Small things can make a difference & sometimes it's finding the right key to unlock the hope we all need. I'm not going to give up until my dd finds hers

I found out 2 weeks ago & every day I have cried. Tonight I saw more scratches on her leg & I asked her & she got so angry with me. I feel so hated. I know they say ignore them but how do you do that. She had so much anger in her eyes. Shit how will life move on. How do I cope? When it's all on me. Husband is hiding & dd18 doesn't know & is doing A levels. I hate this so much.....as I'm sure everybody does. Does it ever end. Do you ever relax

I hear you, Peter. I am so sorry you are going through this. Can you call your daughter's school student manager/welfare officer and tell them how concerned you are (no need to tell them everything). This is what I did and an appointment was made next day for my son to speak with the school counsellor for an hour. This really helped him as I think it's hard for them to be entirely open with us and it's good for them to be listened to. So wish I could help in some way, I feel your pain xxx

Yes, I felt just as you describe, Peter. Every day seemed to bring fresh hell.

Things that helped our relationship were when I told DD that I am very proud of her, I love her, I want to get to know her better (and I listened more and interrupted and contradicted less), and I made it clear that I don't want to control her and I think the later teenage years are all about learning life skills to be independent and manage away from home.
She helped by thinking about why she self harms and talking to counsellers and friends and reading up on the internet until she could find her own words to talk to me about it. Once she could talk to ne about it I could recognise that the sh was a part of her self preservation and in her case a sign she was fighting against suicidal thoughts and feelings and so I now look at them differently. She sees them as signs of something that has saved her life, and those silver and red scars are like little lifelines now. I haven't seen fresh deep scars for a while. I see a lot less of her as she stays with her boyfriend a lot so she has more company, and we are adjusting to that now. She makes an effort to be at home at weekends so we can all be together as a family, and at least 1, preferably 2 or 3 other nights a week. She is getting better at not always taking her negative feelings out on someone else (usually me) and DH (who isn't here very much) and DH is getting better at realising that the person being criticised or doing the shouting is not at fault, and sometimes there us no way to reason a problem out. Sometimes it just needs us all to slap on a brave face and pretend things are normal to make the best of it. DD has to do that a lot in life, so it is the least she can expect from us!

Thank you for all your posts. It is a daily struggle at the moment but I'm trying to remember I'm the adult & a 14 year olds brain is full of emotions they don't understand & hormones playing tricks on them. I have to move forward but it's hard. Best wishes to all.

It is a really worrying time for you but you are doing the right thing,expressing love and going to see GP. There are 2 thing I would say are very important,getting help for your daughter (even if GP didn't want to refer further,keep insisting) and looking after yourself so you can give her the best support.There is a book I would recommend : The parent's guide to Self-harm by Jane Smith. This book is written by other parents who have been through the experience.Best wishes

Oh my dear, I am reading this and I wish I am closer so that I can hug you. I am going through the same thing and know exactly how you feel. This has affected me and my family in so many ways, I could write a novel about. Basically, my DD who was 12 at the time, almost 13, started cutting. She was always the kindest, cutes, huggable and kissable little thing. She is very gentle and very, very emotional. We never had any problems with her except with school and I think this is what caused it all in the end. She was always struggling, and I have to admit I did not know how to deal with it and would often lose patience with her, doing her homework and stuff. I would also insist she does her homework, or any kind of work hoping this would help her get through the difficulties she was having. It is my opinion that this caused her to go “over the edge”, that I pushed her over the edge by pressuring her. Than puberty came, she got her first period, and couple of other things at the same time and she just exploded in a way. I am sorry I said this would be long.
We took her to physiatrist, she suggested therapy and we did it. I must say this did not seem to be doing much, as my daughter did not really want to talk about this to anyone. Right now we are not doing anything, and she is not cutting at the moment, but I can tell by her instagram posts that she is in a special place where she is lost and depressed and anxious and is struggling. Also talking about suicide and such. Although when you see here you would not say that she feels like that at all.
I do not have advice to you, although I think that sometimes just knowing you are not alone helps. The only thing is you get used to this over time. It gets easier to live with although I feel like I am not any “smarter “after almost six months of reading books, talking to therapist and checking the web. You get a lot of info but it does not feel to help much in the real life situation. But it hurts, it hurts like h..l especially in the beginning. Take care and take it one day at the time.

Thank you for your posts & my heart goes out to you all too. I am waiting to hear back from dd2 school as they have noticed a change in her mood. She came back yesterday from being out & was so agitated I was very worried. She just says it's normal teenage mood & everybody has moods but not all teenagers want to hurt themselves. I feel like I'm on a tightrope between parenting & being worried she is going to react by hurting herself. She isn't eating properly & is so slim. I keep pretending to myself that this is normal teenage angst but I don't think it is. I'm worried she is going to go down a very dark path. That's it.....all I do is worry. I should hear from the hospital soon. It will make is so real to tell the school

Yes, I totally understand. For a time I had to suspend normal parenting and sidestep into a care giving role and act and think like my DD's nurse/care giver.

Do talk to your daughter about her weight loss and general low mood. It took some time for us, but the day DD admitted that she needed professional help as she recognised she had an eating disorder (ED), I phoned for an appointment with her GP and called CAMHS to let them know their assessment was out of date and she needed specialist ED help. We are now only just through the ED treatment and to the point where she can have CAMHS sessions for her depression.

Just mad everything worse. Just found out she didn't have breakfast then deliberately left her lunch & then ate a tiny bit of dinner. Went up to tell her how this effects mood. Told her I wanted her phone which panicked her & she changed the password on her iPhone & couldn't remember it now she has been locked out of her phone & she is very upset & angry. I can't understand why she would hurt herself so much. I am so hated now & I'm scared she is going to harm herself. What am I supposed to do. Ignore the fact she's not eating. She hates me

She doesn't hate you, she is unwell and could be experiencing extreme mental difficulties with no way of telling you what it is like.

The advice I was given about access to phones etc was to keep up cultural norms for parenting teenage behaviour. So being late home, not applying themselves to school work, stealing (not food related), lying (not food related), nasty personal attacks etc might have an age appropriate related punishment or sanction. The advice was to not punish behaviour which is related to mental illness. You wouldn't punish someone with pneumonia for coughing, or someone with a broken leg for limping. so...in DD's case, I let go of a lot without comment and put it down to illness. Not eating was definately a part of illness for her and there is a particular line of action for you to take, when there is an assessment and diagnosis.

However DD took absolutely no notice of me trying to get her to eat until we went to professionals who put her in my care and gave me the job of refeeding her. She was down to eating a lettuce leaf and a baby tomato a day by this time and was even starting to worry how many calories were in water or dried herbs or herbal tea. At this stage DD needed help to get better access online to feed her mind with positive messages f recovery. But I suggest you put a key logger or parental control on all her devices so you can check that she is not going to harmful ana sites and is not getting groomed. This is the 'trust and verify' policy I have, so I could check dd is safe online and see where her phone is when she is out. DD has had various blogs. They are scattered with some venomous comments about me which hurt a lot but I've found counselling has helped me a lot.

It didn't matter what I said to her before we went to the ED unit, but I can assure you that shouting, nagging and begging don't work against an eating disorder, and it just grinds your loved one down more when they need the strength to fight for their life.
Your battle is with mental illness, not a child.

I can say what route we were advised to take for refeeding, but first your DD needs to have a diagnosis. Missing breakfast and lunch occasionally doesn't equate to an eating disorder, and I honestly wouldn't wish it on anyone. They are diagnosed on the basis of weight loss and (usually) low (or high) weight or associated behaviours but thwre is usually a distinct set of other behaviours that accompanies anorexia type disorders. Her recovery will very much depend on her own engagement with professional advice, and your ability to develop ways as a family to support her to manage her own recovery.

Thank you. I need to work on my own reactions & learn more patience but it is hard to distinguish between teenager behaviour that needs sanctions & mental illness. We still have to parent teenage behavior & care for mental health.

I text her to read to this to see if it strikes a cord as I want her to realise with every illness we have to take measures to help ourselves whether it's diabetes, back pain or mental illness. I'm not sure if it will make her think or just add to my annoyance rating

Regular meals
Eat regular meals throughout the day to maintain blood sugar levels.
Make sure you eat at least three meals each day. Missing meals, especially breakfast, leads to low blood sugar and this causes low mood, irritability and fatigue. If you feel hungry between meals you may need to include a healthy snack eg. fruit, nuts and cereals.

Sugary foods are absorbed quickly into the bloodstream. This may cause an initial ‘high’ or surge of energy that soon wears off as the body increases its insulin production, leaving you feeling tired and low.

Not drinking enough fluid has significant implications for mood. The early effects of even mild dehydration can affect our feelings and behaviour.

Just realised what a crap mum I am. I'm thinking like an adult not a mixed up teenager & all the things that I think will work just don't mean anything to her. What an idiot

If she has an eating disorder it is right in her head and filtering her every thought, wanting to take control. OK, it isn't an actual parasite, but that is how I imagine it, in order to separate it from my child and understand that however hard it is for me, it is a million times worse for her to have this thing inside her trying to control her. It is she who needs to get the control back. With us, because there was a delay and she had lost so much weight, she let me try with the refeeding and tried to give me control. It was a learning curve, and we got there by degrees, but not without our kitchen being a war zone every mealtime. food and abuse and swearing flung at me. It was a matter of saying she had to stay at the table until she had eaten her main and her pudding.

Something to try to register with your DD is, what you have outlined up there in your post is a normal diet for a well person with a normal BMI. For people with an eating disorder and a very low BMI (I think it's under 18.5 after diagnosis and weight loss, but it varies a bit with age) the daily diet to aim for is 3 meals a day, with 2 desserts which should have a high calorie content, plus 3 snacks, which can also have a high fat/sugar content. The aim is to be consuming about 500 calories a day OVER the recommended amount for size/age. So losing weight to the point of no longer being in a healthy range means that there is a high chance of short and even long term damage to kidneys, heart, reproductive organs, liver, brain etc. that is why there is so much stress on being a healthy weight, even if she might feel fine in herself and think she looks better (or can't see herself, as people with anorexia often express it as.)

DD is now dairy free, as she found milk/cheese/cream gave her tummy ache (but it might be an ed thing, hard to really tell) so I made that concession once she had reached her target weight and maintained it for a couple of weeks.

You're doing brilliantly. Don't beat yourself up. We don't get a manual. I'm not a crap mum and I have done and said and thought the exact same things, it is completely natural to do what we have done as parents of teenagers, and they don't come with a degree in psychology!

• That '3 meals and snacks a day' would absolutely horrify anyone with an eating disorder. You'd need to say that you wouldn't do that unless it was recommended by a professional, and that it would be like medicine.