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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

inappropriate behaviour by an uncle

68 replies

foxglove23 · 12/09/2014 23:46

My daughter who was 16 (in July) has been sent, in the post, a vibrator by my brother in law. This was not done in an open way and he thinks I do not know. I have not spoken to my sister but this is not the only example of what I consider inappropriate behaviour. I do not live with my daughter's Dad but he is fuming. To compound things I am due to go on hols with my sister and brother-in-law for a week in a couple of months. My daughter has told my brother in law that the vibrator was inappropriate and he apologised but also said that if accused he would blame it on one of my daughter's friends. (Not sure if he said this in a humorous way or not although it's not funny.) It is all so weird and I do not know what to do. I feel as though I need to tell both sister and brother-in-law but my daughter says do nothing. My daughter says that she does not feel threatened physically even though she believes it has damaged her relationship with her uncle she does not want to ruin the holiday. He certainly has shown no respect for my daughter nor indeed for the related family. I am preparing to say something as my daughter has been upset and arguably manipulated. Any comments

OP posts:

aftereight · 12/09/2014 23:52

Hugely inappropriate. Does your sister know?
I wiuld cancel the holiday, to limit your BIL's access to your daughter. And then I would tell my sister. Although your daughter is 16, I think that you need to protect her from this opportunistic man.

Brittapieandchips · 12/09/2014 23:55

Tell your sister, straight away.

She wouldn't be allowed to buy one till she is 18, quite apart from the uncle thing.

Has he been in appropriate before?

Has he been waiting for her to be 'legal'?

chocolatedonut · 13/09/2014 00:21

Tell your sister and keep your DD away from this man. He sounds vile.

sunbathe · 13/09/2014 01:39

I would cancel the holiday.

My uncle liked to run his hands all over me.

Custardo · 13/09/2014 01:47

If you haven't got a lot of.money I understand that cancelling the holiday might be a huge thing but you really must. Who does that? It's more than weird. Your sister in law also should be made aware.in as phone call maybe where you speak to her and say you think it was a bit much

itsbetterthanabox · 13/09/2014 02:11

Cancel the holiday. She is at risk with him. You need to tell your sister. Tell her about all the times he has acted inappropriately. She deserves to know.
Your daughter doesn't want you to say anything because victims are always told they are making a fuss/not believed. You need to tell her this is a big deal and not her fault in anyway. Tell her you are confronting it because what he has done is wrong and keeping quiet is what he wants!

catsofa · 13/09/2014 02:26

Yep, red flag, stay away from him.

AdoraBell · 13/09/2014 02:43

That fact that she feels she would be ruining the holiday is a problem.

She needs to understand that she has done nothing wrong. The uncle's behaviour has made the holiday impossible and I would not hesitate to tell people what he did if he implies that your DD has ruined the holiday. Tell your sister about this and that this is why you and DD will not be going on holiday with them, ever.

On the point of not being allowed to buy a vibrator until age 18, is a 16 yr old still regarded as a child in this kind of situation in the UK?

I agree you need to keep her away from him. How close do they live, is she likely to bump into him at all?

gertiegusset · 13/09/2014 03:09

Fuck that, no way would I be going away on holiday with him.
And he says he would blame it on her friends so he knows he's wrong and a fucking creep to put it mildly.

Coughle · 13/09/2014 03:13

Cancel the holiday and file a report with police in case there are further incidents.

This is a big deal.

Tiptops · 13/09/2014 03:14

WTAF?!

Please do say something, and keep that man away from your poor daughter. What a creep.

wishingforwillpower · 13/09/2014 03:28

Agree with all the other posters, you must cancel the holiday and speak to your sister. Do not allow your brother in law near your daughter. Secrets and lies fuel abuse. What he did was so incredibly inappropriate. If you don't act you may find in years to come your daughter will look back on this and think, I told mum what he did and she still took me on holiday with him and didn't confront him... Why didn't she protect me??
Doing nothing will give her the clear message that what he did was not that bad.

Eastpoint · 13/09/2014 03:33

Your loyalties are to everyone apart from this man, to your daughter first and foremost and then to your sister who has been betrayed by her husband. The only good thing is that you now have conclusive proof that he is untrustworthy. Your poor daughter & sister.

heyday · 13/09/2014 03:45

Is she close to her uncle? Perhaps he is trying to be all 'right on ' and thinks he is liberating your daughter. He could be thinking that if she had a vibrator then she won't need to start sleeping with guys. Just saying, there could just be some sort of slightly less sinister reason but it does sound rather weird and inappropriate tbh. Why he thinks it's his place to buy her this is rather unnerving.
I do think you should speak to him about it however, you do need to choose your moment. It would be very difficult to discuss this on holiday because if things flare up you could be a long way from home so you might not be able to return home easily. You need to talk to him before the holiday preferably and that will give you a good indication as to whether this holiday is still feasible or not.

slithytove · 13/09/2014 03:55

Can I ask how you know it was him

Wishfulmakeupping · 13/09/2014 04:34

Beyond creepy and fucked up.
Cancel the holiday and tell your sis including the part about him to bavy blaming her friend when it comes out (I'd preempt that part).
Your poor dd I feel angry about this so god knows how you feel OP

Patienceisapparentlyavirtue · 13/09/2014 04:41

She is not ruining the holiday, he has. And what kind of holiday would it be anyway, for either you or her?

You have to cancel the holiday, have a very frank and open chat to your sister. Maybe even make a list of all the inappropriate behaviours, in case the discussion gets off topic or out of hand this is a tangible list she can take away if needed,and maybe even say you're happy for her to share this with her husband.

Even if you don't live with DDs dad, maybe he can help out with talking to her about the risks and reassuring her that nothing about this is her fault?

We had a family friend do things like this to me and it was godawful. You are being a great mum by being on her side and doing what it takes to keep her safe.

FrontForward · 13/09/2014 05:03

I could not spend anymore time with this man and his access to my children would be stopped immediately. I also think your sister should know. This was a sexual approach. It's so abnormal

FrontForward · 13/09/2014 05:04

He is relying on secrecy to get away with it

DialMforMummy · 13/09/2014 05:46

It's shocking. I think he is trying to groom her. By saying nothing, you would not be protecting her, you'd allow him to get away with it.
How strange as it might sound, be prepared for the fact that your sister might be on his side and find many reasons why he was not being totally inappropriate.
Cancel your holiday and as others said, reassure your DD that she has done nothing wrong. Stay away from that man.

Southwell · 13/09/2014 06:37

Well that's just plain creepy.

Definitely cancel the holiday and keep your daughter away from this man. He's making my skin crawl and I'm only reading about him.

Doodledot · 13/09/2014 06:48

No normal man would think this was appropriate. It's very wierd and creepy. Why is he even thinking of his niece as a sexual young lady? What other kind of things has he done?? Scary
Cancel holiday

Bohemond · 13/09/2014 06:52

Agree - with PP. How does she know it was him? This suggests that things have happened before.

elspethmcgillicuddy · 13/09/2014 07:06

I agree this sounds like grooming. This is a child protection concern and you most definitely should not be going on holiday with this man. I also think you should let someone know. ?police, ?SS at least for advice. Does he have access to other vulnerable young people?

LoveBeingAwakeInTheNight · 13/09/2014 07:13

You must tell your sister

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