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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

inappropriate behaviour by an uncle

68 replies

foxglove23 · 12/09/2014 23:46

My daughter who was 16 (in July) has been sent, in the post, a vibrator by my brother in law. This was not done in an open way and he thinks I do not know. I have not spoken to my sister but this is not the only example of what I consider inappropriate behaviour. I do not live with my daughter's Dad but he is fuming. To compound things I am due to go on hols with my sister and brother-in-law for a week in a couple of months. My daughter has told my brother in law that the vibrator was inappropriate and he apologised but also said that if accused he would blame it on one of my daughter's friends. (Not sure if he said this in a humorous way or not although it's not funny.) It is all so weird and I do not know what to do. I feel as though I need to tell both sister and brother-in-law but my daughter says do nothing. My daughter says that she does not feel threatened physically even though she believes it has damaged her relationship with her uncle she does not want to ruin the holiday. He certainly has shown no respect for my daughter nor indeed for the related family. I am preparing to say something as my daughter has been upset and arguably manipulated. Any comments

OP posts:
peasandlove · 13/09/2014 08:07

I would turn up at their house and produce the vibrator and ask him to explain himself. I was hit on by guys in their 30's at that age, and just didnt have the experience to handle it. You need to step in. I also never told my parent because as a teen you dont want to nark or make a big deal out of it. I was hit on by my father's friend at 12/13 and I never said a word.

whatadrain · 13/09/2014 09:02

Massive red flag! I would definitely cancel the trip at the very least. I would probably also be calling the police as it's a child protection issue.Hmm

Patilla · 13/09/2014 09:09

Joining the chorus of voices saying "cancel the holiday" and restrict his access.

Your daughter needs to know that she is valuable and precious enough to be protected by you. She needs to see by your actions that she is worthy of respect.

tribpot · 13/09/2014 09:11

Your daughter's 16. She's not in a position to say whether her uncle poses a physical threat. You are. And you know what your instinct is telling you.

This situation is seriously wrong, and must be addressed. Your daughter needs to be shown that she has an absolute right to respect over matters to do with her body and anyone who disrespects that, particularly a family member will be censured.

Your sister must be told. I understand your daughter will find this embarrassing but your BIL's behaviour is disgusting. The holiday is not even a question.

Besom · 13/09/2014 09:19

Even if he isn't a physical threat, which he may actually be of course, there is potential for long term psychological damage to your daughter. Agree you need to keep him away from her and tell your dsis. It's beyond inappropriate, it's very weird.

headlesslambrini · 13/09/2014 09:20

Your DD isnt exactly going to have a good time on holiday if she doesnt feel comfortable.

Fishstix · 13/09/2014 09:21

Also agree you absolutely must tell your sister and cancel the holiday. Anything else is giving him the signal that his behaviour is acceptable or will be covered up by other adults. It may not be just your daughter this man is targeting...showing him up may stop his repeating this with other young girls.

Patienceisapparentlyavirtue · 13/09/2014 09:25

Also I just reread and saw that she is not in fact 16 yet. She is 15 and a minor and he sent her a sex toy.

You actually need to go to the police or ss as well as your sister. Most importantly because your dd needs protection but also for the sake of others, because if there's one thing you see in these cases is that there NEVER just one.

Viviennemary · 13/09/2014 09:27

This is horrible. I wouldn't go anywhere near this person for the forseeable future or really ever again. It's really creepy.

Squeegle · 13/09/2014 09:50

What other history is there of inappropriate behaviour.

Agree this needs to be outed. A signal to your daughter that this kind of behaviour is totally unacceptable to most people, and only sinister intentions would be served by keeping it under wraps. He needs stopping. I suspect it should also be reported to the police. Surely this is some kind of sexual offence.

Your sister should know also. Hideous, but most if us would want to know if our husband was up to this.

Wishfulmakeupping · 13/09/2014 10:12

I would agree about calling the police too.
Does your sis have any children?

TenMinutesEarly · 13/09/2014 10:24

Police. This is serious and he is dangerous. Your dd can speak to you, but what if he targets someone else with no support.

SavoyCabbage · 13/09/2014 10:28

Tell your sister right away. Make sure your dd knows that she is not ruining anything.

She's just a child. It's beyond comprehension that an adult would send a child a sex toy. There is no reason on earth that is an ok thing to do.

gertiegusset · 13/09/2014 10:50

The DD was 16 in July.
Not that that would make any difference to me.

MerryMarigold · 13/09/2014 11:16

OP, I think this is way beyond inappropriate and I think everyone on here agrees with that. You need to confront the situation with your sister present. Do not give him any warning or time to think up excuses and reasons. I think you also need to log it with the police, but you don't need to make a big deal out of that. So it is on record and they can investigate him. And perhaps if this comes out it will be you, your sis and dd going on holiday and not him. He is the one who should not be going. But if he refuses, there is NO WAY I would have my dd anywhere near him, especially if this is not the first sign of inappropriate behaviour.

minniemagoo · 13/09/2014 11:25

Smacks of grooming, he waited till she was 16. I would definitely NOT go on the holiday, I would inform my sister as to why and I would try to have a conversation with my DD to establish what other inappropriate contact/conversations he had had previously. No way is sending a vibrator to a 16 year old child his first inappropriate contact.

slithytove · 13/09/2014 14:30

If you know for a fact it was him and not something dd ordered online (for instance, not saying for a second she would)

I'd go straight to the police and class it as threatening communications if there is such a thing?

Depending on what proof you have that it was bil, maybe they can find more concrete proof?

No idea if it's a police matter of course.

Do DSis and bil have kids?

NewEraNewMindset · 13/09/2014 14:38

I think we need more details. Why did he do this? What is his relationship like with your daughter?

LetticeKnollys · 13/09/2014 14:50

I would come down on this like a tonne of bricks to be honest. Don't facilitate more contact between them, and tell your sister. How horrified would you be if that were your husband? You'd want to know wouldn't you?

HolyQuadrityDrinkFeckArseGirls · 13/09/2014 15:00

I'd call 101 tbh and get to noted down. Could be part of harassing behaviour. Twat

HolyQuadrityDrinkFeckArseGirls · 13/09/2014 15:00

to - it

foxdongle · 14/09/2014 12:58

I had two strange uncles (one's dead now). My dmum's brothers.
Dmum kept us well away from either of them.
As I got older I learned why from my dmum- it's vile.

Also at college I knew a girl who told us about her uncle snogging her at any given opportunity-in another room at family gatherings etc. She was 17.

This is a very worrying incident.
I would do as my mum did and stay well away. See if you can change the holiday to another date for just you and your dd or don't go and tell your sister why. Definitely report this to someone official.

MerryMarigold · 15/09/2014 11:57

OP, is everything ok?

kslatts · 15/09/2014 17:42

I would cancel the holiday and tell sister why.

Hugely inappropriate.

LineRunner · 15/09/2014 17:46

Hello, OP?

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