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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How can I make my daughter wash?

46 replies

Sissyinthesummertime · 14/08/2014 09:43

DD1 is 11. We have a special day today.

She's covered in ink/pen. Her hair is so greasy it looks wet.

We've been at logger heads since 8 this morning for her to have a shower. She point blank refuses.

Short of dragging her in the shower, how can I make her wash? She just doesn't seem to care about her personal hygiene or her appearance.

Her excuse this morning is I've already combed my hair and I'm not doing it again.

I'm ashamed to say we've been screaming at each other. I just don't know what else to do Sad

Her not coming out today isn't an option.

Shall I just take her smelly and dirty? She doesn't care so that's not a punishment.

We are going for a nice lunch then the theatre with a friend that's paid for it and travelled 200 miles to see us.

OP posts:
Gatekeeper · 14/08/2014 09:45

this is my daughter as well and she is 12. Washing appears not to involve soap or water and you could fry chips in her hair .Teeth are a lovely shade of dinge

I am hoping she will have an epiphany when she discovers boys

Original poster
Sissyinthesummertime · 14/08/2014 09:49

gatekeeper Thanks I'm not alone.

For some reason I feel so sad about it today.

I just want her to look nice. Is that so wrong? I suppose it is as it's about how I feel and not her.

OP posts:
murphys · 14/08/2014 09:50

If it is a special day involving theatre and lunch as you say, I am afraid I would insist that she look clean for the day.

I'm all for letting kids decide for themselves on some issues, but this is not like she is just staying home and slobbing about in her pjs for the day. Your friend seems to have gone to a lot of effort for this day, therefore, she should at least make some effort to be clean.....

Run the shower, stand there if need be until she gets in.

SavoyCabbage · 14/08/2014 09:53

Spray her with deodorant?

I don't know. My dd is 10 and she will shower as their teacher told them they should and of course she will do things for her and not me. But she looks like a bag of rags all the time. Neglected. It's so frustrating.

gamerchick · 14/08/2014 09:54

I'm afraid I would be dragging her in fully clothed and staying in the room.

Trollsworth · 14/08/2014 09:55

Switch all the electric off and take all her stuff away until she complies. When she demands her stuff back, stay calm and nice, and say " yes of course! When you're clean and dry. Have a shower with shampoo and soap, and if you don't do it'd operate first time I will supervise the second time "

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 14/08/2014 10:06

Could I ask why her not joining in with the treat is not an option? Personally, I would tell her if she doesn't scrub up, she won't be coming.
Could you pre-warn your friend and ask to say as she greets her "Oh, Sissy's daughter - you stink. I'm really sorry, but I cannot possibly sit anywhere near you all day". Or something along those lines? It may embarrass her if coming from someone else, possibly??

If this happens often, then some consequences really need to be put in place.

teenagetantrums · 14/08/2014 10:09

Does she want to go? if not I would leave her at home or with someone else if you can. don't engage , just tell her one more time what you need her do then walk away and just ignore her.

Gileswithachainsaw · 14/08/2014 10:12

I second taking away all appliances and removing plugs off tv etc

When did all this start? Is there a deep rooted cause if all this or does she just do it at home for attention/to be deliberately naughty?

Surely kids at school have noticed? She can't enjoy being dirty :(

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 14/08/2014 10:13

I was also wondering if perhaps something is going on at school or with friends that's upsetting her, and she may be behaving this way to get some sort of attention.

rootypig · 14/08/2014 10:16

Bribe slash punish. At 11 she should be able to understand (delivered calmly) 'it's not important to you that you are clean, but it's important to me and Dfriend, and also all the people who must sit next to you. If you go and shower properly now without a fuss, I will buy you M&Ms for the theatre. If you do not, you will not have X treat next week'.

Or am I dreaming Grin

Fairylea · 14/08/2014 10:19

Take away tv / tablet / Internet - whatever she likes to do.

Unless she has a shower regularly she won't be getting them back.

That's what we do with dd who is the same age and exactly the same !

Floralnomad · 14/08/2014 10:19

No advice really but invest in some dry shampoo ,the Batiste range is very good . My dd (15) has CFS and sometimes we physically cannot wash her hair ,which is quite long, and it comes up lovely with dry shampoo .Im sure your dd will eventually want to stay clean !

gamerchick · 14/08/2014 10:23

I've never met a kid who didn't go through a smelly dirty phase and had to be slung into the shower. Doesn't mean that somethings distressing them and they're acting out.

it probably is easier to let them get on with it when just staying round the doors but it does sound as if you're going to need to be consistent and force her in on set days regardless. I had to do it with middle kid... took a while but he does it himself now.

MaccaPaccaismyNemesis · 14/08/2014 10:23

My sister was like this and my mum resorted to leaving her at home more than once! She's grown out of it now and is better groomed than anyone else.

If it was me, I'd go armed with baby wipes and dry shampoo- and basically say 'if you act like a baby I'll treat you like one'. Harsh but maybe necessary IMO.

Original poster
Sissyinthesummertime · 14/08/2014 10:24

Thanks everyone. I left her for half an hour and would you believe she voluntarily went in the shower and has come downstairs in great form.

We will be away all day and DH at work until tomorrow, so couldn't leave her at home. She's not responsible to be left for 7/8 hours.

Also DFriend is her god mother and really excited about seeing her.

All retrospective now I suppose as she has got in the shower of her own volition. I did explain to her when things calmed down that she is growing up and needs to wash properly every other day (at least) or else she will smell etc.

To be honest, I think she just lazy and can't be bothered with the hassle of showering. Her hair is very long (won't get it cut - a whole other thread!) and takes so long to dry.

Thanks again - I would have been prepared to remove everything from her room etc, but glad it wasn't needed.

We'll see what tomorrow brings Grin

OP posts:
Theas18 · 14/08/2014 10:24

You stink have a shower was a repeated mantra for a while here! Along with " I'm turning the wifi off" or " not feeding unwashed people ".

Cool calm and repetitive. Sadly you have a crisis today but you can work round it.

Deals like " you can dress / wear what make up you like if you are clean and the clothes are clean" might work?

Strangely teenage girls just seem to be happy to stink together these days. Teaching 30 must be interesting!

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 14/08/2014 10:26

Great news, Sissy - hope you all have a lovely day!! Smile

Glastogirl · 14/08/2014 10:29

Agree with the above. Threatening to take away the beloved iphone or turn off the wifi is enough of a thread to get them in the shower! Grin deducting pocket money and removing items from their rooms also works a treat

Glastogirl · 14/08/2014 10:29

Threat*

Original poster
Sissyinthesummertime · 14/08/2014 10:29

We will. I think some of things I said must have gone in at some point to make her go in the shower of her own accord!

It is very stressful though and I don't think we are over by a long shot. Once a week is enough she thinks, so I'm sure the battle will commence again tomorrow.

She is very strong willed. I've no idea where she gets it from Grin

OP posts:
gamerchick · 14/08/2014 10:30

Glad to hear it Grin have a lovely day.

MrsWinnibago · 14/08/2014 10:31

I have literally dragged my manky ten year old into the bathroom I'm afraid. She now knows that there's no escape...I WILL overpower her and she must wash. They're mucky little things at this age and all the assumptions about boys being dirty and not girls are WRONG.

prisonerofallisurvey · 14/08/2014 10:33

Oh sissy I am in a very similar predicament. One thing that I find that works for us is forewarning dd when she needs to wash. So I would say "You need to shower tonight or first thing tomorrow morning" and allow her to decide the actual time. I appreciate it is not always possible to do this I know and sometimes it is a battle. And what is it with the very long hair thing? Dd has beautiful hair but it would look better if it was a little shorter, more bra strap length than bottom length. I have threatened her with a haircut if she fails to look after her hair properly though!

slackcabbage · 14/08/2014 10:33

I hear you Sissy this is an ongoing battle between dd (also 11 yrs) and me who just doesn't ever want to get wet.

(I shout as well Blush but I do this because it is just so frustrating as we have been having the same argument for years, and just when I think we have it cracked, it crops up again. And it is so wearing because it (completely unnecessarily imo) involves so much time and stress and we sometimes don't get to the "fun stuff" because we are so busy trying to get over this hurdle, which we should have overcome by the age of 5 yrs I would have thought!)

Our "contract" is that dd has to have (non-negotiable) two baths a week with hair wash on Wednesdays and Sundays. And then a two or three minute shower every day in between (either in the morning or evening depending on what's happening.) She recently had a friend staying here for four nights who showered in the evening and dd happily complied then! But when she is on her own she puts up a real battle every single time! In fact it takes longer for her to argue about it then it would take to actually just have the bath or shower!

Each time afterwards she is repentant and says sorry and that she understands she has been silly and each time she says she will 'do better '. But then next time comes and the battle starts all over again ... .

I had a situation just like yours yesterday morning and I'm afraid I shouted and ran her a bath and stood over her while she got in and resisted getting her hair wet and I stood there until she did it. I still had to physically wash and rinse her hair myself though. She shouted and protested but I just ignored it and tried to carry on as calmly as possible (which wasn't very calm tbh). I have told her that if it happens again we will take away her very favourite bag (a Cath Kidston one she loves that someone gave her for her birthday) and she will have to 'earn' it back by having baths and showers on a regular basis without the screaming match.

We'll see ...

I don't know what to suggest about your dilemma as I see leaving her at home is not an option for you. But given the choice, I wouldn't let a child go to a special event like that without washing first. (YOu've obviously already explained to her that she should make the effort out of respect for your friend.) I think in your situation as it stands today, I would absolutely insist.

And for the future, take away all sorts of privileges (screen time, treats, trips out etc) whatever works for her, until this is sorted. That is what I am intending to do anyway. I've had enough of it.

Sorry for essay but this one struck a chord! Good luck!

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