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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

How can I make my daughter wash?

46 replies

Sissyinthesummertime · 14/08/2014 09:43

DD1 is 11. We have a special day today.

She's covered in ink/pen. Her hair is so greasy it looks wet.

We've been at logger heads since 8 this morning for her to have a shower. She point blank refuses.

Short of dragging her in the shower, how can I make her wash? She just doesn't seem to care about her personal hygiene or her appearance.

Her excuse this morning is I've already combed my hair and I'm not doing it again.

I'm ashamed to say we've been screaming at each other. I just don't know what else to do

Her not coming out today isn't an option.

Shall I just take her smelly and dirty? She doesn't care so that's not a punishment.

We are going for a nice lunch then the theatre with a friend that's paid for it and travelled 200 miles to see us.

OP posts:

slackcabbage · 14/08/2014 10:36

Sorry! Took so long for me to write that that we have x posts!

Glad today's situation has been resolved happily anyway Sissy! Hope you all have a lovely time!

(And definitely agree about the advance warning thing.)

slackcabbage · 14/08/2014 10:37

Meant to say: very relieved to hear it is not just us having this problem too!

MissMillament · 14/08/2014 10:38

Glad it has all been resolved. Just popping on to say that my 12 year old has been like this for a few years - luckily her older sister is often able to persuade her into the shower when I start running out of patience. Teeth brushing has been a huge issue for years too - I had to literally stand over her twice a day to see it doneHowever, she has recently (end of first year of secondary) started spontaneously brushing teeth/showering (although I still have to remind her from time to time - so be reassured - they do grow out of it! As to the poster who suggested underlying issues - well I suppose it can, but often it is just a developmental stage.
Enjoy your day out!

Original poster

Sissyinthesummertime · 14/08/2014 10:47

Thanks again everyone. So relieved to hear that it's not just me. DH works away a lot so he doesn't appreciate how wearing it can be. It is literally wearing me down. I just want her to be clean! I don't make her blow dry her hair or anything - it takes just 10 minutes.

We have the teeth brushing thing too MissMillament until the dentist spotted a small amount of decay. The fear that she might need a filling is enough to have her brushing them twice a day.

I just said to her, you must feel better now you're washed, to which she replied 'I don't feel any different' .... so a long way to go I think!

I see all her friends and they look lovely and clean and groomed, with nice clothes so sometimes feel like it's just us.

Sorry for all your plights, but glad it isn't!

OP posts:

feelingmellow · 14/08/2014 10:48

I've been through all this. The trouble is that you can't physically force teenagers to do things they just don't want to do. I tried cajoling, bargaining, screaming and even a couple of wrestling matches with my dd but she was stronger and stronger willed than me. Eventually she grew out of it although even in her twenties she can still look grubby at times.

Original poster

Sissyinthesummertime · 14/08/2014 10:56

feelingmellow that's exactly it. I just couldn't make her go in the shower. She is stronger than me and I didn't want to resort to dragging her in as she would resist and it just doesn't seem right that we end up physically fighting with each other.

The fact that she has gone in of her own accord is a miracle really. I think the thought of missing today was enough for her (I shamefully threatened it even thought I know I couldn't follow it through).

OP posts:

Original poster

Sissyinthesummertime · 14/08/2014 11:01

slackcabbage sorry to hear that you are having the same battle.

Maybe what I done this morning, shouting, screaming, calling her dirty and then walking off and letting her think about it seemed to do the trick

OP posts:

Gileswithachainsaw · 14/08/2014 11:03

This is normal???

This starts when exactly???

Springcleanish · 14/08/2014 11:03

No advice, but just so relived to know it's not just my 11yr old. I thought everyone else's were freshly showered, no tangles and perfectly clean teeth, it's a relief to know it's not just me.

Mind you I've just sent a text to my two saying "clean your teeth" and they're doing it. The power of technology.

itsbetterthanabox · 14/08/2014 11:22

My mum would have just squirted shampoo onto my head. What choice have I got then! We laugh now

slackcabbage · 14/08/2014 11:26

Springcleanish that is a genius idea!

Sissy agree that a tough strategy works! I think I've been far too soft and inconsistent with this and it's come back to bite me on the bum

Giles

slackcabbage · 14/08/2014 11:28

It'sbetterthanabox (although notes down for future reference)

Gileswithachainsaw · 14/08/2014 11:30

has also made note of shampoo idea :o

murphys · 14/08/2014 11:34

When ds has refused a shower, I sprayed women's deodorant on him. He shot into the shower so fast after that.

I know, I'm cruel...

HairOnMyChinnyChinChin · 14/08/2014 11:36

My dd was like this, after years of daily battles I decided to leave her to it in the end, which resulted in kids in school saying something not very pleasant.

I could have bloody kissed them, it had more impact than my nagging ever could and she's much better these days. Sometimes you have to let them take responsibility for themselves.

Original poster

Sissyinthesummertime · 14/08/2014 11:40

Loving the 'shampoo on the head' and 'spraying with girls deodorant' ideas !!

Well, we are all dressed, clean and ready for our day out. Thank you one and all for your help. You stopped me from going mad.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 14/08/2014 13:27

Heh I've sprayed the woman's deodorant on the teen son before, he was not happy

I do like the shampoo idea as well.

cinnamontoast · 14/08/2014 20:11

Sissy, are you sure your DD isn't doubling up as my DD, long hair and all? She stinks to high heaven and her hair is her only vanity, though it's so straggly and unkempt most of the time that it's hard to see why. When I tell her she smells she just doesn't care - I'd have been mortified at her age. If it's any consolation, I was moaning about it to my most fragrant, elegant and well-groomed friend when she told me, to my astonishment, that she was exactly the same as a teenager.

mathanxiety · 15/08/2014 07:12

Shaving cream all over. It has a distinctive smell but washes out of clothes, towels and bathroom surfaces.

I have dragged DD4 into the bathtub and held her there while I turned on the shower and got her drenched, clothes and all. It took about three such incidents before she understood I wasn't going to back down. I am glad I did it when I did because she is now taller than me.

All the others had a fantastic teacher at the age of 10 who gave a speech at the beginning of the year about personal hygiene and how she expected to see them clean, hair washed daily, and never to smell them. She warned them that she would bawl out anyone who dared show up to school unwashed and without using deodorant. Then she followed through. The oldest four DCs were terrified of being singled out as smelly and washed every single day, and asked for deodorant... The teacher left after many great years to devote herself to sahming, the year before DD4 arrived at that stage.

I think there's a problem from 10 to 13ish with leaving what they are doing feeling warm and dry and dressed in stinky clothes and progressing to getting up, going to another room, peeling off the clothes and getting wet all over. Oddly, once they actually get into the shower, they all seem to spend an hour and ten minutes in there -- again, reluctant to stop and change the physical sensation and engage in another activity is to blame imo. I think they have almost the same trouble with transitions as three or four year olds do. Some sort of neurological or emotional hiccup perhaps.

MyballsareSandy · 15/08/2014 12:47

I have one of these as well, she's 13. She has got slightly better over the last few months but still doesn't shower enough. She showered this morning after me nagging but then appeared downstairs in a t-shirt with yesterday's food stains on it.

It's nothing to do with parenting as she has a twin sister who showers every day and always wears clean clothes and looks presentable.

chinamoon · 18/08/2014 21:44

OP, DS2 is like this. I bought some dry shampoo and wipes for starters. Told him that it's important to smell fresh because it's unfair on other people to be near them, smelling all sour. But I also say, often, that it's important he looks after this body because it's the only one he has, and it houses lovely him so it deserves to be looked after. Sounds sickly sweet but i don't think they realise that physical self-care is so important.

I take him shopping to choose shampoos and bubble baths and does. We sniff them and then he decides. Still needs constant reminders and cajoling but getting better.

Glad your daughter has showered now but not sure that screaming matches are the way forward. Just chat about showing self respect by taking good care of yourself.

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