where has my beautiful boy gone?

[summer68]

17years ago I gave birth to a much wanted baby boy, he grew into a loving toddler ( always wanting cuddles) as he grew he became a bit of a mummies boy- sensitive, extremely loving and still wanting lots of cuddles. He remained like this even in his early teens. We were a very close family (dh, dd, ds and me) . THEN he changed........ He has complained that his childhood was too good, that he wants to hit rock bottom. He self harmed, talked of killing himself , ( we did everything we possible could to help him) he moved on to taking drugs, selling drugs to make money to buy drugs, then he began to threaten us with moving out ( into a squat) we've had to bend over backwards to stop him going, he comes and goes as he pleases and is rude ,often deliberately hurtful ( sometimes he leaves my dh or myself in a withdrawn state because of his hurtful comments and actions.)He stays out at people's houses who I don't know and thinks nothing of lying to us. My dh is trying his best to keep the contact going even though it means he is walked all over ( my son said his dad's a woose) I feel I can't carry on with this pain in my heart my beautiful son has gone. My darling d (18) hates her younger brother for who he has become ( they used to be the best of friends). I constantly question myself about what I did wrong. All I have ever wanted to be is a mum, what a mess I made.
Thank you if you've managed to read this far, I just needed to share in a place where people understand. I cannot talk about it at the moment to anyone because I just cry and cannot get the words out.
Thank you.x

Summer, I am very sorry to hear that you are going through this dreadful time. I really hope that maybe this is a turning point but it is all extremely worrying for you. Like Smiley said its impossible to help when they just reject you. I understand completely why you distanced yourself. I don't think it would have made any difference if you had kept trying over and over again. He was pushing you away and you had to respect his wishes.

Despite your DH trying to parent him that didn't work either. You were in an impossible situation. You have tried against the odds and there is absolutely no way you tried to avoid the issue. Its very easy for his GF to blame you for your DS not being able to speak to you. I don't doubt that you and his father tried everything to help him. He chose to walk all over you both and alienate his sister.

You haven't made this mess, it just sometimes happens. My DS hasn't yet tried to kill himself but at this point in time anything is possible. Myself and other parents on this thread do not judge you. I have distanced myself from my DS recently because he is so vile towards me. He does not want to speak to me and seems to hate me. It is absolutely awful and I am at my wits end with it all. I have tried being close to him and he freaks out so I have no choice. Like you I can't just keep being nice when he obviously hates it so much.

There are so many people in our situation and that much is evident from these threads. We are not alone and we can question ourselves all we want but we will never come up with the answer. Two people I work with went through exactly the same as we are going through and you genuinely couldn't have met such decent fathers as they were. They tried everything and I mean everything. Sadly to no avail.

I am very sorry and hope that you get through this. Take care of yourself x

I don't have any first hand experience of any of this, but your post touched me. I once went to a presentation given by Elizabeth Burton-Phillips, who wrote Mum, can you lend me twenty quid?. The book is about her experiences when her twin sons became drug addicts. The book was heartbreaking, but it might help given the similarities between your situation. Elizabeth Burton-Phillips went on to establish a charity called DrugFam, which offers support to the families of drug addict. It might be worth a look.

My observation, from a purely professional interest rather than personal experience, is that you will be in a better position to support your son and the rest of your family if you have support yourself. This almost always means accessing professional help, mainly through charities like DrugFam, because it is so hard to get this support in real life. It is hard to share this sort of problem with those who are close to you because of fear or shame or not wanting to worry them, and even if you can share, those people are not normally equipped to support you as they haven't been there.

I really hope you and your famy can get some help to manage living with your son while he is using. I really believe that's the best way for you to help your family survive this. For better or worse, your son will make his own decisions; but while he is using drugs (and afterwards too), your family has to carry on living.

Been away from Mumsnet and this thread for a while due to other family probs; but read it all again and it's heartrending to hear all the stories. Summer, hope desperately that you have managed to get some help and or support for yourself as suggested by Happyas. I hope things have settled down. If only we could all help in some way. Thinking of you.

Others too, having tough times too. I hope it all gets better soon.

Jake, thank you for your thoughts. Have you ever considered being a mentor or something like that to teens, share your experiences etc. Us mums just can't seem to get through, we get ignored and rejected, perhaps it needs someone who's been there, done that, to help bridge the gap?

Summer, I hope things are getting a bit better. Not much to report here. DS living with his dad and still very surly to me. DD has stomped off to her dad's a few times. Its weird because I have been on my own a lot. If I had remained married (impossible) they would have had no option but to stay at home. They are 15 an 17 and part of me thinks it is not right that they can lay down the law to me by stomping off. I try to discipline them and they simply leave.

The scariest thing for me at the moment is EX is being super dad. This won't last and next thing is the demand for the child benefit and maintenace from me. This is galling as he never ever paid a penny towards his DC. Now they live with him he will get maintenance from me. He has always been work shy whilst I broke my neck trying to hold down a job for 18 years. He even tried to sabotage me getting to work at times. Of God, I can't even write this down without feeling sick.

I am trying my best not to worry but its overwhelming at times. My DS is only nice to me when he wants money and I am very very close to telling him that. I am just scared that if I say that to him he will flip and break off all communication but on the other hand I am not going to be treated like a piece of dirt. Today I am making no decisions. I am off work with cystitis and am not opening the curtains, speaking to anyone, getting dressed - nothing! I am drinking lots of water and taking cystitis sachets. Great day here for me!

Browers - three days on I hope you're feeling better. Your comments about DS and money are so completely spot on. I expect it's like that for all of us.
Summer - you're having such a rough time - how's things?

Challenging times still in our household, what right do these teenagers have to bugger up at least a decade of our lives??

Hello,

I am so glad I am not alone. My ds3 decided that he didn't want to be at his private school and so we moved him to the local academy. The last 12 months have been very very difficult. He was mixing with kids that I was at a loss as to what he saw in them. We discovered social media conversations that were alarming and I was disgusted with the language he used. He was told by a youth worker that he was 'rebelling against his middle class upbringing' which he seemed to think gave him 'carte Blanche' to be a total little shit (he was 15 now 16). This is interesting as both his father and I worked very hard to be able to give him a nice life, not too nice cos I am still that working class girl with the same work hard values. Both from Council estates.

He was taking cannabis which he now tells us he isnt taking and I believe him. However, he smokes, (he should know better with both parents medics & he vehementally denies this) hangs out with kids I would consider, as underachievers and potential losers. Girls who seem to sleep with anyone & he thinks thats ok.

MY DS1 & DS2 are both very supportive and have managed to maintain a close friendship with him, encouraging him to visit them at Uni so he can see the work is worth it.

Tonight I collected him from the roughest council estate in Europe!! have no idea who he knew to end up there, we had massive arguement, him drunk, me verbally drunk saying so many things that I didnt mean. But he did ring me at 10.30pm to collect him, whether that was convenience or confidence in our relationship I dont know

But this thread has helped me more in 20 minutes than any books. Thank you. In many ways my problems are not that bad. I realise my probs with DS3 are petty, he still talks to us, he attends school (although not really working) and sometimes if I ask him not to party so I can relax with DH and glass of wine he will. This time last year when he was 15 that was unthinkable. The worry is he will fall back. Having read other peoples threads I think I need counselling to learn to step away.

I have done tough love, cajoling love, bribery love. None of which were required for the other two. It is such a game of chance, when you cant see how to handle them.

Sorry Ive waffled but I didnt know who to turn to and found this thread. i think an angel must have tapped me on the shoulder.

Thank you fellow mums!

Few days on and to be brutally honest I am not feeling great. Cystitis gone thank God. My DD 17 is being such a bitch. Her headmistress actually landed at our house the other day to tell DD that her staff won't be running around after her and if she was not prepared to behave herself that she would give her her AS certificates and she can leave school. Hideous hideous day. DD is so rude to me it is mind boggling.

My DS is still ignoring me. He came over last week to get something and was beyond rude. I didn't contact him for 4 days and was determined not to speak to him again until I managed to cop myself on a bit. I rang him tonight to check how he is and to let him know if he needed anything to give me a ring.

I have generally managed to keep my spirits up over the years but rearing these two teenagers is getting me down. I can't even bear to be nice to anyone else and in fact where possible I am just staying in on my own. They are doing A levels and GCSEs and are doing no study. DD didn't even go to school today.

I don't feel very well over the head of all of this and they do not give a damn.

I hope that this will pass but I have at least another 4/5 years of this hell. The worst thing is that they blame me for everything and I am starting to wonder if I am a crap mother. Super dad is so fucking fantastic all of a sudden. Give me patience! Thanks for reading.

Summer, I am thinking about you. 3teenageboys - really 3!!! How do you do it?

Well if nothing else I feel a bit better writing that lot so thanks again for reading.

Browser YOU ARE NOT A CRAP MUM! If you were you wouldnt be so concerned.

You like all of us have tried to reason with DS & DD and yes they are exercising their options to live elsewhere and a way of hurting you. I am not a very spiritual person, but every now and again in life, i truly believe an angel taps you on the shoulder. I think she tapped the shoulder of your DC so that you can contract and consolidate and re-gather your strength. Dont think its failure, perhaps its time for you to go out, share with friends. My true friends (abt 5)have been incredibly supportive, they have all known him since a baby and are shocked but supportive. They have in turn been honest regarding their own children and I have been able to utilise their methods, some worked some resulted in being told to F Off!

Its about time their father learned some parenting.

My son, I acknowledged today to my DH, has been taking money from my purse. I have stopped leaving £20's and planted a £5 (really it was mixed up with receipts he would have really had to search to find it!) Taking on board what I read here over the weekend, I took a step back. Normally, I would have blown, on ocassions been known to use some terrible adjectives, but not today. Told him how disappointed we are in him, how could he take money from me knowing we have so little at the moment. He looked suitably sheepish (normally at this point there would have been denial, crap mum etc, but not today). Further I informed him that I cant afford to go out and certainly cant afford to fund his smoking habit. At school they have cards that you put money on. Every morning he takes £2 to buy coffee on the way to school. Not today. Told him I cant trust him and so I will not be giving him any cash. He has a bus pass and food pass & doesnt need cash.

After the last 12 months we are getting there, 3 steps forward 6 steps back. In the last 12 months I have pulled him out of pubs, parties and crap parts of city centre. I am lucky my eldest son is very supportive and interestingly DS3 is scared of him and he has had a huge effect on him.

I do think we are all getting there....slowly......keep smiling Mums cos i am tired of crying and exhaustion. Be Strong you are not alone x

Hello...
Well I had drama in my house tonight with DS who is 16y...I refused to give him money and so the rudeness started...etc etc...ended up walking out..verbally abusive...the saga goes on..
I've had to turn down promotion at work because of the stress I get at home bringing up these teens! Their Dad is funnily enough back on the scene (Japanese wife disappeared home for a while)...but he hasn't a clue how it has been the last 3 years or so with my 18y old DS..now the 16y old is 'kicking' off...yes doing A levels too and not working hard enough!
Can honestly say...its the worse time in my life....!!

Reading these posts has been very hard - because I put my parents through the exact same shite your children are doing now.

I came from a 'decent' background - loving parents, financially stable, good school. Up until thirteen I was very academic, consistently top of the class and they had high hopes for uni etc.

At around age thirteen, I started using drugs (mostly cannabis and cocaine), skipping school and getting into trouble with the police. I didn't live at home full time from about fourteen upwards. My parents couldn't keep me there - they couldn't tie me up in my bedroom and I spent the next couple of years sofa surfing at friends house, in squats and even sometimes sleeping rough.

If I was feeling 'generous' ie I had run out of people that would put up with me I would deign to return to the family home. Nothing moved me - my fathers anger, my mothers tears - I just didn't care. After all, what did they know about life?

I officially left home on my sixteenth birthday when I moved into a homeless hostel - not my parents choice, btw. I was sexually exploited and abused both physically and emotionally by the people around me - all of whom were much older and many of whom had mental health and drug and alcohol issues.

Social services had been involved for some time and in had a lot of counselling and support workers. It didn't help - there was no crystal clear reason for my behaviour apart from I was convinced I was right and the rest of the world was wrong.

Even now, as an adult with the benefit of hindsight I don't know what was behind my behaviour.

I'm in my late twenties now. I am married to a wonderful man who respects me, own my own house and have a good job as a chartered accountant. There was a turning point where I thought 'woah, enough is enough' and thank god when I got there, my parents were still there to support me in building my life - and thank god I didn't get to the point of no return.

My parents tried everything to help me when I was younger - the counselling, tough love, disengaging....but if someone is determined to go there own way, they will do. Sometimes things just happen, there isn't a reason why, or anyone to blame, I think it's just the intrinsic nature of the individual.

Anyway, sorry for rambling on. I'm sure you all feel very helpless and that you are bystanders watching your beloved offspring destroy their lives. I just wanted to say, always leave the door open for them - not neccessarily to come back home or as a 'get out of jail free card', but emotionally and mentally, if you can.

Thankyou so much CCR....gives me hope! xxx

Smiley I hope you are ok. Its awful awful awful. I understand the work situation completely. I am barely clinging on to my job because I am so stressed. I told my DC so that maybe they would understand. Bad move! They told me to stop acting like a martyr all the time and that it was my own fault because I am a crap mother. It is almost laughable, actually I am laughing typing this.

3boys I was in work yesterday when I read your post (should definitely not be on MN at work) and your words brought tears to my eyes. I love the idea that there might be an angel looking out for me. I had a good day after I read your post.

CCR what an amazing post! Thanks for advising us to leave the door open! Great advice and encourages me to keep doing just that even though they slam all the doors shut in my face - literally at times!

Today I managed to get a breather from stressing out about them all the time. Thanks for the support everyone.

Sorry Ive been away for so long- thank you so so much for your messages.
browers blues, your words touched me so much I cried as I read it. I do have often fell like its something ive done or not done- you say that youve tried everything and it makes no difference - I keep feeling Im missing something major that could magically improve things. You have really helped reassure me. I hope you are feeling better. Remember they all turn on the charm when they need to ( early days yet with their dad) Ever thought of selling up while they are at their dads and starting a new life somewhere ( maybe thats just my dream!)
I really miss my boy, we used to share cuddles and have lovely chats.
Ive been more open at work about whats going on- well people have noticed im sometimes upset. But I know some people think I must be a rubbish parent to have such a delinquent child. so good to come here and not be judged.
thanks too Happyasasandboy-I am thinking we need support. Clashcityrocker, thanks for giving hope- sometimes its all weve got ( sorry to sound so dramatic).
Hope - hold on tight so we can make it through this rocky road.

Love to all you lovely lovely people xxxx

Summer, great to hear from you! I can't believe you mentioned the selling up option, I have been fantasising about this for the last two days. I even mentioned it to my DD who was being horrible. I told her when she is 18 (in about 7 weeks) that I would consider selling the house and she could get herself a flat and live her life the way she wants to.

Realistically I know I won't sell it now but in another 3/4 years they will be coming 20 and 22 and believe me I will be out of this 3 bedroom house into a one bed apartment. God knows what is ahead but that is my daydream at the moment.

I had a good day today thanks to everyone on this thread who share so honestly about their situation. Anytime the anxiety crept in I switched off and actually did some work at work today. It was a nice break.

Weirdly this woman I work with who I like but don't know very well started chatting to me today. She has no clue about my situation but went on to tell me this story about a relation of hers who had two sons who went completely off the rails in their teens. The conversation started from a totally different angle but ended up being about these boys. Then she told me that the same thing happened to her brother when he was about 14. Honestly she knows nothing about me. I kind of felt that maybe it was an angel. I have never ever had any thoughts about angels until 3teenageboys mentioned it in her thread a few days ago. Probably just a coincidence. I didn't tell her anything. Maybe she is psychic??

Heading to bed now. Good night and thinking about you all.

Browersblues
Yep! Same here...often think of selling and buying one bed place....a few years maybe....both teen boys say they want to move on asap!!! There are lots around like us...certainly helps to come on here and share what we are going through...xxx

Yes Browser.... definitely an Angel!!

What it is, when i was growing up and i would tell my mum about things, people helping me etc, she would always say "well perhaps an angel tapped her on the shoulder" meaning that someone somewhere knew I needed a bit of help. I love that idea. It is of universal application ....traffic jam...angel telling me to slow down etc etc!!

Girls, we are getting there! Be Strong, even though I feel crap it helps. DS being very nice! even did some revision for mocks! (so he told me...hmm)

I can resonate with so much said on this thread, and to you all. I have been in the same situation for going on 10 years now, with all 3 of them going off the rails. I am so, so weary of it all, and the only way I have managed is to eventually disengage from it and protect myself and my belongings. I think being abused by your children is kept such a shameful secret - I certainly have kept it a secret. I have been trying to get divorced from their father for many years. He is an expert at putting his head in the sand and brilliant at undermining me, and making me out to be the 'bad cop'.

The youngest, the only boy, is by far the worst and the eldest (who has been abroad for a couple of years) is now saying "oh, mum, what we put you through". What I have found really interesting and uplifting is the posts from the people who admitted being like this when younger, and how they have come through the other side. What I am struggling with is how will I feel then? We are supposed to love them unconditionally, but how can I forget the violence, the destruction, the incessant stealing, the malicious behaviour, and probably most of all, the cruel words (I know, sticks and stones and all the rest, but being told - just a couple out of so many nasty things - that "I can't wait to go to university so I never have to f'ing see you again". "What do I want for Christmas? For you to f* off and die." How does anyone get over these kind of memories?

Hi OP and everyone else,
Just wanted to add something - I won't write too much as ClashCityRocker has essentially had a similar time to me (except I didn't get it together enough to become a Chartered Accountant!)

In a nutshell- went off the rails at 11 FFS! Drugs/ sex/ disappearing from home for weeks at a time/ skipping school/ constant police involvement/ being taken advantage of etc etc. Left home at 16 to move into a squat, got involved in some very hardcore stuff.

The reason I had to add my story is because my mum is a social worker specialising in teens in trouble!!
My point is even as a professional working in that exact field, she really struggled to cope with me, she has said recently that no matter what you know, when it's your own child it is infinitely more difficult to get your head around.

Now I'm 30 and a parent myself, I did sort my life out, got involved working for a charity. Me and mum have a fantastic relationship, she is a great GM to DS and, most importantly for you I couldn't apologise enough when I realised what an absolute shit I had been. I constantly sing her praises for sticking with me all this time.

for you all.
I really hope it gets better for you.

I've been reading the thread and it's good to know I'm not alone but horrible to hear of so many desperate parents. We have got the lot with my son 19, violence, drugs, disappearing, horrible horrible behaviour, stealing etc etc. I'm at my wits end. I'm struggling to hold it together having just run out of coping ability. Messages of support much appreciated. Love to you all

Sweetly, thoughts with you...its a terrible journey, roller coaster here with my two boys of 16y and 18y...weed...temper...don't know why some teens/youths rebel and others don't...its painful for us parents...holding the home together and working full time....x

I have no advice to be honest as going threw all this with my younger bro ! There's not always a lot you can do or could have done so don't beat yourself up because it sounds like your doing everything you can and whatever your son is rebelling against he does love you and it's not your fault xxxx

I have just posted on another thread and have copied some of it below so apologies in advance for any duplication. It is just far too long to re-type!

I am hardly in a position to give advice but I recently read two books about rearing teenagers - 'Get out of my life but first take me and Alex into town' and 'Blame my brain - the amazing teenage brain'. I wish I had read these books years ago because I got some very handy tips.

There is a section in the teenage brain book about how teenagers are poor at reading emotions because their frontal lobes are not developed which leads to poor decision making and irrational behaviour. Research shows that teenagers are poor at reading emotions in other people's faces. Teenagers can think that their parents are angry when in fact they may be stressed, sad or just preoccupied. The author says that teenagers brain activity focuses on the amygdala which is associated with high levels of emotional arousal. I honestly wish I had known this!

I have only read these books in the last 2/3 weeks and can see a bit of a difference in my parenting. The other day I got a letter from DD's (17) school saying she missed two days at school. A few weeks ago her Principal actually came to our house to tell her she was on her last chance. When I got the letter I flipped. She came in and I asked her to account for the absences and slammed the door behind me as I left the kitchen. Cue complete meltdown on her behalf. Amazingly I stayed extremely calm and just looked at her thinking that she has poor control over her emotions because of her brain development which isn't her fault.

Knowing this made me less critical of her and more inclined to listen to her instead of berating her. I said very little and apologised for being so rude to her when she came in and amazingly she calmed down. In about ten minutes we were fine again.

I know the books are not a miracle cure but they did help me. I need to apply some learning to my DS 15 who hates me and has gone to live with his father.

I hope everyone is coping ok? I was reading something online this morning and it printed Philip Larkin's poem - This be the Verse. I had heard of it but never read it. Most people call it They fuck you up your mum and dad. The last line made me laugh - 'Get out as early as you can and don't have any kids yourself'. ??????

Hi everyone, sorry to gatecrash, I've never posted on here but I'm finding reading everyone's woes strangely reassuring. (That sounds weird I'm not good at this!)
I am having the most horrible time with my DS 17. Absolutely at my wit's end. Feel so powerless and out of control. We've always had a close and loving relationship but now he's found drugs I've totally lost him. All his values and previous good character have vanished.
We found out he'd been smoking weed at 13. We addressed it as honestly and openly as we could. I felt so pleased with myself. How stupid I feel now. His drug use has escalated and he now uses MKat, speed and most recently I found one of his idiot friends snorting cocaine in my house. Needless to say I am completely unable to remain calm in these situations. He has also been brought home by the police for shoplifting (beer) and thinks nothing of stealing from me. I am so so sad and miss my bright beautiful talented boy. His interests are purely drug oriented now. Nothing but nothing I say to him means anything to him. He says he doesn't care and that we are cunts. I cling to the few glimpses of the real boy, like sometimes he might make me a coffee. I've read the books and tried shouting, reasoning, crying nothing works. I feel so heartbroken. My Dd 15 is sweet and kind but also going completely under the radar with all the chaos around her. Sorry, this is me rambling, I don't know what to do. I feel under house arrest too. On two occasions we have all been away on holiday and he has given our house keys to his mates! I have no idea who was in my home but my underwear had been tampered with and there were some horrible Facebook posts about the contents of my drawers. I feel like such a fool.
Where did I go wrong?
Much love and respect to all you people going through so much of the same shit. Xx

Run, dont be worried about gatecrashing. You are in good company. An awful lot of people on these threads and in real life are going through exactly the same as you. I have no advice but just wanted to let you know you are not alone although you no doubt feel very alone. I do too. Missing the bright beautiful boy is devastating. Its really hard to believe they were ever that same boy. I have no idea where you went wrong and every single mother going through this probably feels the same. I say it all the time to myself, where did I go wrong? I still don't know the answer.

Take care of yourself. Can your doctor's surgery advise of any help you could avail of? My son aged 15 went to anger management sessions and it seemed to help. He moved out of our house recently to live with his dad so I can't be 100% sure but at least we haven't had any major dramas in the last while. I am afraid to write those words in case it all goes crazy again. Needless to say I worry about him all the time especially as I don't see him every day anymore. The only thing is that he was starting to hate me and be agressive so I suppose moving out may have prevented things escalating.

I am thinking about you and any other parent going through this.

Sending hugs to all...(((()))).....xx