where has my beautiful boy gone?

[summer68]

17years ago I gave birth to a much wanted baby boy, he grew into a loving toddler ( always wanting cuddles) as he grew he became a bit of a mummies boy- sensitive, extremely loving and still wanting lots of cuddles. He remained like this even in his early teens. We were a very close family (dh, dd, ds and me) . THEN he changed........ He has complained that his childhood was too good, that he wants to hit rock bottom. He self harmed, talked of killing himself , ( we did everything we possible could to help him) he moved on to taking drugs, selling drugs to make money to buy drugs, then he began to threaten us with moving out ( into a squat) we've had to bend over backwards to stop him going, he comes and goes as he pleases and is rude ,often deliberately hurtful ( sometimes he leaves my dh or myself in a withdrawn state because of his hurtful comments and actions.)He stays out at people's houses who I don't know and thinks nothing of lying to us. My dh is trying his best to keep the contact going even though it means he is walked all over ( my son said his dad's a woose) I feel I can't carry on with this pain in my heart my beautiful son has gone. My darling d (18) hates her younger brother for who he has become ( they used to be the best of friends). I constantly question myself about what I did wrong. All I have ever wanted to be is a mum, what a mess I made.
Thank you if you've managed to read this far, I just needed to share in a place where people understand. I cannot talk about it at the moment to anyone because I just cry and cannot get the words out.
Thank you.x

[BrowersBlues]

Smiley, thanks a lot, hugs are always appreciated. I hope your DS is doing ok one way or another. All quiet here but have to whisper it in case I jinx things. Night night, sleep well x

[smileyforest]

Bowers...I always say that...I never like to tempt fate when it is quiet...there is usually a crisis looming!! But heyho...dare I say...quiet here tonight....night night....x

[richteaaddict]

hi everyone, i cant tell how good it feels ( for me but defo not for you to see im not alone) i did post in this thread moths ago, and i am still in hell with my DS (15 y) we are now at a point where he wont go too school, wont engage with outside agencies, he is verbally, physically agressive at the slightest challenge, last we his dad told him to get out ( he lives with dad, because it closer to his friends and so called " new friends"). which he did, stayed in touch for 24 hours, was supposed to stay with his grandparents but didnt, then he just vanished off face of the earth for 24 hours, i was frantic, called police and was eventually fund safe and well. he doenst see what he has or is doing wrong, its all us that are wrong, he is smoking cannabis, stealing money, and selling anything of value. we have had camhs, drug support teams, school liasion teams all involved and he wont engage with any, a referral was done to ss, they dont see him as "at risk"......he has self harmed in the past, but seems to have stopped, i really dont know what next phone call will bring!!! i just want a glimpse of my little boy back, not this monster that i dont know and dont like ( but love unconditionally with all my heart)

so im sorry again for hearing its not just me, but by no means am i happy your all going through this hell.....Hugs to you all, and lets hope tomorrow brings a day without any crisis xx

[smileyforest]

Rich....yes we are with you...an utter nightmare...now have my 16.5 'kicking' off... weed etc...bright boy...but i think ...is in for a shock...doing A levels..but could be dismissed from course at Xmas...if homework etc not produced...I'm afraid will have to learn the hard way!!! x

[summer68]

I was getting some kind support from smileyforest today and I realised although I've contacted many " professionals" to get help and advice about my ds the biggest help and the best advice has been offered here .
So I want to say thank you to everyone xxxx

[BrowersBlues]

HI to everyone out there, a bit of progress here in that since my DS nearly 16 went to live with his dad things have been getting a bit better and he has definitely shown some improvement. Even though I desperately needed a break from him I was very upset that he had moved out. A close friend of mine kept telling me that I had to let him go. I did let go a bit and found it got easier. He has been gone about 2 months and I am coping ok. Every now and then it hits me that he doesn't live here and I kind of crack up a bit but then come back down to reality. He has definitely calmed down and wonder of all wonders is actually doing some studying for his GCSEs, going to the gym and is in good form. We spent about 20 minutes together this evening and we got on very well. It was really nice.

He went to anger management for a few sessions after spending a couple of nights in a cell and basically going off the wall in between times drinking and smoking dope. He said he liked the sessions and he has definitely shown some improvement. I opened up to one of his teachers about how bad things were at home and I think that the teacher is keeping an eye on him because he told me this evening that he really likes that teacher.

His almost 18 year old DS is just being a complete bitch. She kicked my front door so badly it is broken. I feel demoralised but for some strange reason I am not freaking out as badly as I would have before. I genuinely can't stand her at the moment. Luckily enough she has now gone off to her fathers too. I really wondered recently whether I would survive living with this stress. I honestly would love her to move out permanently. I am at the stage that I don't even care if she gives up on her A levels. I have gone beyond it.

If I had read a post like mine about 10 years ago I would have assumed that the person writing the post was a dreadful parent who had let her children down very badly. Boy oh boy did I learn the hard way. Her headmistress landed in our house recently to tell her that she would be put out of the school if she didn't cop herself on.

What will most likely happen is that she will call by and I will be nice to her and she will come back home. The hardest thing of all for me to admit is that everytime she pulls one of her stunts I care less and keep wishing she finishes her A levels and moves out of home permanently.

I will try to enjoy the break from her and maybe in a few days I might feel like I care about her. I think I am just numb from her latest outburst.

I know from reading books about teenagers that their brains are not developed and that they are going through a difficult time but at the moment I just think they are completely taking the piss out of me.

Hope all you mums get a decent night's sleep tonight. Night night x

[summer68]

Browersblue, it really is the hardest most heart breaking time . To have loved a child so much you would have laid down your life for them and then that same child hating you ( with a passion) . Them thinking they are so grown up and you knowing that they are vulnerable and naive.

I wonder how much more I can take - but really there's no choice.

I'm off work today and yesterday because I'm unable to stop sobbing.

My ds tried to beat his older sister , my husband restrained him. Then yesterday he headbutted his dad. Like you browers ,a few years ago if someone had told me that ,I would have made judgements - actually I do judge myself and wonder what I did that was so wrong. A friend said - you love them and you think that is enough, but it's not.

I heard on LBC radio that studies show that children from divorced parents are more likely to go off the rails- well I've been in a relationship with my Dh ( children's dad) for 28 years - we were a close family unit - so i don't think mums should be made to feel guilty if they are no longer with their Childs dad ( maybe single mums are more likely to ask for help). Reports like that don't help anyone.

I hope browers that you take some time out for yourself, enjoy the peace at home and build yourself up for the next round of events. Xxx

[BrowersBlues]

Summer, I feel for you, those crises are horrendous. You wonder how anyone can get through that type of catastrophe. I took 3 months off work a couple of years ago. I felt better for doing it. I honestly couldn't pretend my life was hunky dorey. I have coped better since and nearly like the normality and distraction of work but that took a long time to achieve.

Would you report your son for assault? I did with mine and it did put an end to it. I don't know if I would do it now because at 18 and 16 they have a lot to lose by getting a conviction. On the other hand assaulting someone is a criminal offence. My DD damaged the front door recently but I didn't report it because I didn't have the energy to face another crisis.

I know of three long term married couples who are very nice people whose children went completely off the rails. Another married couple I know of who are both social workers and apparently very nice have two DC who are addicted to heroin.

I think it can happen to anyone. I was a decent parent who adored my DC. I obviously wasn't perfect but honestly don't think I deserved this.

My EXH who I left 16 years ago when I was pregnant hates me and always played superdad to my DC. Not a very convincing one as he never gave me a penny towards them. The DC played us off against each other but close married friends have told me their DC did that too.

God only knows!!!

[smileyforest]

Yes.... I have questioned whether its due to being divorced that has caused my sons to do what they are doing. But the same..,I have friends in long marriages and are going through the same and playing one parent against the other...I just think its very 'lucky' now to escape any problems as i feel, its social media, peer pressure and the state of our Country...not just excuses...it is really tough and a very hard battle for us parents...I have two older children who are doing fine....I do pray...my other two will come through these 'struggling' years 'fine' as well.....:) x

)

[cleo14]

I am with you all! This thread has been really helpful, my ds 14.5 has changed dramatically in the past few months and I'm really struggling. Previously had a good relationship and now I can't believe a work coming out of his mouth! Directly challenging grounding, not telling the truth about where he is and generally going about life like he knows everything! School also becoming and issue, truancy and behaviour slip. It is so hard and I agree with op that you need to 'detach' as this level of constant stress can not be good for anyone!

[summer68]

I thought I would post to say things have calmed down a bit again. Time to pull myself together and get ready for next time.
Sorry to hear about your ds cleo- you're in good company here. X

[dementedma]

All this talk of rogue Ds has me worried. Have two dds in their 20s who got there without too many traumas bar the usual teen stuff.(only one tattoo so far!)Ds nearly 13 and still tranquil and loving. Hope he's not going to be the one who goes off the rails.hugs to all those struggling, its really not easy raising teens!

[BrowersBlues]

Summer, good to hear things have calmed down a bit. Yep, pull yourself together and get fit for the next round! No better woman for the job.

Nothing lasts forever. I live by this mantra.

Last night I cried solidly for 2 hours because my DC seem to hate me. I had a crap day today until about 2 o'clock and then for some reason I just started to feel a bit better. I ended up having a good day in the end.

I am quite proud of myself for pulling myself together and not wallowing in misery.

Night everyone, sleep well.

[summer68]

Ah Browersblue- your comment " no better woman for the job" lifted my spirt so high I had a big grin on my face! They are the nicest words I've heard in a long long time. Thank you .Let's change that to
WE are the women for the job!

[summer68]

Dementedma- I wish I could impart some advice that would ensure your ds follows in his sisters footsteps, but although I question myself about a hundred times a day I still don't know why my ds has changed.
Just enjoy your ds for now and worry about tomorrow when it comes x

[duplodon]

Have you guys heard of this?? I have a friend who is involved in one of these teams, the outcomes are fantastic. I read this thread as a mother of three young sons and my heart goes out to all of you, it's one of the worst fears for most mothers.

[Doinmummy]

I feel your pain OP. I've just written a post similar to yours . Yesterday I had my DD16 arrested- the worse day of my life.

I'm a single mum and feel a total failure- what have I done so wrong to send my DD down this road.

I'm sitting here on my own , she'll shocked and crying. The pain is unbearable

[Doinmummy]

Duplodon- we are participating in the MST programme- it's really really tough. In fact it's made things worse. If DD doesn't come home when I say, I have to go out looking for her- I can't tell you how many times I've been walking alone late at night ,round the streets and parks trying to find her. It sounds good on paper but so so tough in reality.

[duplodon]

Oh I'm sorry to hear that. I don't know about this sort of stuff, just had heard it turns things around for many, but I'm guessing anything with outcomes like that is probably soul-crushingly hard to go through. I had some parenting work when I had pnd and it is so personal it lays you bare. Here's hoping the reason it's got worse is that it's a kick back to push a firm boundary and is the darkest hour before the dawn x

[Doinmummy]

I have only a mothers hope x

[trufflenut]

Just sitting here reading all your stories in tears, my son is now 20 and his life has spiralled out of control for the past 4 years. His issue has mainly been drinking but drugs involved as well and he has an impressive criminal record. While you are trying to hang in there it is very easy to wonder where you went wrong as parents. At 16 my son certainly resented us for being "middle class and boring" not his exact words but you get the gist. At 20 he tells us that none of this is our fault and it is something in him although he doesn't really understand what. So he is maturing but we are a long way from being out of the woods. It is hell and unless you have been through it you won't understand, it has taken me a long time to try and toughen up to other people's suggestions about what you should/ shouldn't do. Try and take care of yourself/partners and other children amongst all this

[summer68]

Thank you for your post, trufflenut. Yes I shared my problems with a few trusted friends, but I've realised that unless you've been through it people think there's a simple solution. I just tell most people that everything's fine now.
My dd told her db about her brother going through a " difficult" phase and he-doesn't want to come to our house any more!
The best place by far, is here, on mums net. I wouldn't have got through this without help from the people here.

[summer68]

Update now posted .

[craiglloyd1906]

Probably trying to get a reaction would be my best bet...mkat was leagal remember so it's always going to have that tag along side it. Don't worry though because people see it as a dirty drug now, it stinks!...and for days after you stink! Everyone experiments in this day and age.