where has my beautiful boy gone?

[summer68]

17years ago I gave birth to a much wanted baby boy, he grew into a loving toddler ( always wanting cuddles) as he grew he became a bit of a mummies boy- sensitive, extremely loving and still wanting lots of cuddles. He remained like this even in his early teens. We were a very close family (dh, dd, ds and me) . THEN he changed........ He has complained that his childhood was too good, that he wants to hit rock bottom. He self harmed, talked of killing himself , ( we did everything we possible could to help him) he moved on to taking drugs, selling drugs to make money to buy drugs, then he began to threaten us with moving out ( into a squat) we've had to bend over backwards to stop him going, he comes and goes as he pleases and is rude ,often deliberately hurtful ( sometimes he leaves my dh or myself in a withdrawn state because of his hurtful comments and actions.)He stays out at people's houses who I don't know and thinks nothing of lying to us. My dh is trying his best to keep the contact going even though it means he is walked all over ( my son said his dad's a woose) I feel I can't carry on with this pain in my heart my beautiful son has gone. My darling d (18) hates her younger brother for who he has become ( they used to be the best of friends). I constantly question myself about what I did wrong. All I have ever wanted to be is a mum, what a mess I made.
Thank you if you've managed to read this far, I just needed to share in a place where people understand. I cannot talk about it at the moment to anyone because I just cry and cannot get the words out.
Thank you.x

[hagarthorne]

Abilly, we did as you suggested. It backfired. When I found out ds (15) was buying drugs in school I told school. He never forgave me for that. When the situation descended to a brawl between dh(also described as feeble/wuss etc) and ds I called the police. We tried the 'pick your battles' approach. We tried the 'it's your home don't stand for it' approach. We tried the 'you don't know how lucky you have been' approach. We paid for therapy. We consulted gps. We lost our tempers disgracefully. We went into depression. We tried to talk to his friends. We took advice and help from family. Nothing worked.
DS had as nice a childhood as we could manage- we tried to let him have things we didn't. I suppose he was spoilt. Now he resents that 'middle class' lifestyle and says he didn't want it. He says we are snobs and we probably are about some things.
We failed him though. We went from too tolerant to too intolerant. I think we couldn't believe the transformation taking place so quickly in front of our eyes, and we fought to keep the son we had known. I think it's a lot about what friends they make. And facebook.

I didn't mean to hijack, but so many things the OP wrote were so familiar I thought at first OP was a family member, trying to find help for us.

[HighNoon]

Hi Summer. Please search and read posts from the truly brilliant Maryz and Flow4 on this forum. They and others have been through similar situations. You're not alone and it's very likely that if there was a straightforward way to improve things you'd have already done it! This thread is a good starting point. Wishing you well, it's freakin' tough parenting teens, and I know what you mean about missing the sweet little man they used to be.

[summer68]

Thanks Hagarthorne, yes fighting to keep son we had known, but feel like we've lost. He's now spending all his time with (bad) friends - even staying out at night. An empty bedroom is heartbreaking. X

[summer68]

Thanks high noon I look them up.

[Stepawayfromthecookiejar]

Summer, hagar and other mums on here I hope with all my heart that that things start to sort themselves out for you. I think it's a long process. Summer, thank you for starting this thread, it's so timely for many but no doubt we all find it hard to talk about our situation. Wise words from greyhound earlier maybe give us a glimmer of hope?

Hagar hit a nail on the head too....I think our lad has decided to resent our so called "middle class" life.....really hates us for it.......peer pressure?? Oh the irony of it all, I consider that we have an ordinary life, no flashy stuff, no showing off, DH and I from very humble backgrounds, hard work has maybe got us a lifestyle that some of DS's peers are peeved about and now DS feels we look down on them???

[summer68]

Thanks step away. Yes same problem with our sons peers, also they seem to have parents who have given up responsibility, my son wishes we were not around and here for him and didn't care what he is up to.

He has agreed to go on holiday with us though- somewhere we've been to many times so he knows it well and can go off on his own. Plus all paid for by us. I'm apprehensive but at least it gets him away from friends.
Interestingly he said he had changed a lot since our last visit. At least he realises he's changed.x

Also I wanted to say thank you to all who have posted messages, I needed to find support and I'm overwhelmed by the response. It really has helped and means a great deal. Xxx

[richteaaddict]

Im wondering if he took my beautiful 15 year old with him., the last 12 months have been hell. we have got through the self harm stage, im not sure about the selling drugs to get more, but money is going missing regular from the house (£60 this week) despite me having a lock on bedroom door, all money locked in a metal safe tin, i was daft enough to go in bath and leave my handbag down stairs, and leave bedroom door open, whilst i dropped dd friend off at home. we have just about managed to scrap through yr 10 at school. I have got camhs, GP , target youth support, all on board, but if you dont live this i dont think y would ever understand. dotn allow him to do these things, i have had police with blue lights at more door, for trying to stop him going out.... i have bathed the self hrm wounds etc........i just want my boy back....as anyone any advice on the money going missing issues. OP if you ever need to spill just pm me

[maggi]

I fostered a 15yr old who is now 19. He did everything and is now in prison for the 3rd or 4th time. Oh the sleepless nights we had.

The good news is that he has, in the last year, turned around and is thanking us for sticking by him. We communicate by letter and have kept them all so we can compare the spitting comments of his early days to his very mature outlook nowadays. He's even learnt to write in English rather than textspeak.

My advice is to stick by the teenager through it all. This may mean calling in the police to remove another bicycle fs has brought home which belongs to "a friend". Or it may mean waiting in the police station a whole day whilst fs is processed. Or waiting up all night for any word of his where abouts. It means keeping contact so that when the turmoil is over they will be glad that you were there and they know that you are still there.

Perhaps some people think this is too soft that the teenagers could get away with anything. But we reported everything he did and he knows it. He also knows that despite it all, there are people who value him and this may just be enough to help him through the dark times.

Good work to all of you who are worrying tonight.

[Mrsbagface]

Summer, am so sorry. You sound lovely. This must be so hard. I have read many storieson here about truly awful teens who come out the other end. Have you read Get out of my life but first take me and Alex into town? It has some helpful insights. None of this is your fault, please believe that.
Abilly, do butt out. You don't seem to have anything helpful to say and no one is under any obligation to answer your unhelpful, blaming questions. You're just causing further upset, please go away.

[MexicanSpringtime]

My heart breaks for you. As a mother whose dd turned out ok, I can only say that I believe it was the grace of god or sheer luck that got us safely through the teenage years.

I have a friend whose beautiful son is like yours OP and it breaks my heart to see such waste and the suffering his parents are going through. She finds the only thing that helps her is Al Anon.

[Renniehorta]

OP your son sounds as though he is lost and 'rudderless'. Does he know what he wants to o with his life? Does he have something, other than drugs, that really enthuses him?

From experience I think that wanting to achieve a goal is what can snap teens out of these vortexes.

[heyday]

Right now I am an the midst of the deepest pain having watched my beautiful, smart 20 yo daughter turn into a monster in the space of 3 months.
Yes, the pain equates with a bereavement. The loss of the the person that we thought our child was. It takes time to work through these overwhelming feelings. But, after 10 continuos days of hell at her hands, I am starting to get stronger. I act more casual. Be careful with my choice of words so as not to antagonise the situation but most of all, no longer let her see how she has emotionally destroyed me. I keep busy, try to defend myself from the verbal abuse and at times act as if I really don't care.
Look at his behaviour carefully now and try to stop yourself getting upset over every aspect of it. If he comes and goes as he pleases then there is nothing you can do about it. If he is rude to you, then tell him quite simply to stop, then walk away. Don't get into long dialogue with him. Sadly, if he is taking or dealing drugs then he will have to face the consequences for that. We cannot make life choices for them. It's their journey and they may well go off the rails but you have been good parents so there is every hope that your dear son will one day return. My pain, right now, is unbearable. I try to keep busy, have a quiet cry when I can and simply just try to get through it.
Remember, your boy is young. He has had a good life but now he needs to totally rebel. Stay strong, there is no quick fix. I now know that it could be years before the daughter, that I knew and loved, returns again and until then life has to go on, for myself and for my other DC.

[PacificDogwood]

and strength to you all.

My eldest DS is only 11 so I still have the worry what difficult times he or his brothers could go through in the future ahead of me.

Do a search for MaryZ's posts in Teenagers and Parenting - she's been there and back and is still dealing with some of it. She is Very Wise wrt troubled teenagers.

If you can find a way to offer 'unconditional acceptance' without condoning his behaviour you will ensure that he continues to know that he is loved, but that his behaviour is not acceptable.
For your own sake you will need to 'detach' and take a step back as, as you rightly say, you cannot 'make' him do anything or stop him from doing anything.
If he is threatening/violent/abusive at home, call the police. There is being supportive and then there is being taken for a mug. Often the simple fact that a long-suffering parent has actually called 999 serves as a wake-up call and behaviour improved (even if just slightly and temporarily).

It is true that the teenaged brain undergoes bigger changes than a newborn baby's does in the first year and that things like impulse control, danger awareness, considering consequences of actions, empathy with others etc can go out of the window (sweeping generalisation - of course every teenager is different). These changes begin to settle down in the late teens, and sometimes as late as early/mid 20s.

Hang in there. Pace yourself.
Chances are he'll know right from wrong, he is struggling to detach from his upbringing (as everybody must) and unfortunately has gone down a rather self-destructive and destructive route to achieve this.
And hopefully, one day, he'll come out the other side of this phase.

[Seriouslyffs]

summer I'm pleased about going on holiday. Can I offer one bit of advice- don't sweat the small stuff when away. Concentrate on enjoying each other's company.

[butterfly85]

Hi i have just joined this site and need advice about my 17 old son. He been told he is depressed by gp after hr told me he felt so unhappy all his life and currrently feels helpless as do i. We have a good relationship and he talks to me about most things but i dont no cause of problem
He hated secondary school had no friends and was bullied. He has just done yr at college for music and seemed to enjoy it. He is talented good looking but doesnt think so. He doesnt eat much low self esteem and just feels no hope if he is always going to be unhappy
He has had 1 counselling session anf i am trying to get him to join gym
He blew yesterday trashed his room anf pumched walls so hard his knuckles swollen
I have taken time off work to support him but feel so helpless and sad. Can anyone offer support or advice plesse?

[butterfly85]

Hi i have just joined this site and need advice about my 17 old son. He been told he is depressed by gp after hr told me he felt so unhappy all his life and currrently feels helpless as do i. We have a good relationship and he talks to me about most things but i dont no cause of problem
He hated secondary school had no friends and was bullied. He has just done yr at college for music and seemed to enjoy it. He is talented good looking but doesnt think so. He doesnt eat much low self esteem and just feels no hope if he is always going to be unhappy
He has had 1 counselling session anf i am trying to get him to join gym
He blew yesterday trashed his room anf pumched walls so hard his knuckles swollen
I have taken time off work to support him but feel so helpless and sad. Can anyone offer support or advice plesse?

[jas1978]

I feel for you. Good luck in the future and remember all you have ever done is love him so don't beat yourself up about it x

[YeGodsAndLittleFishes]

butterfly have just read your post.

Can just say well done for taking time off to support your son. Do keep going to counselling for ad long as possible. Get him eating, it is more important than the gym. (Too much exercise when not eating can make a serious problem much worse.)

Do make sure you are safe, and anylone else living in the house. Maybe get him a punchball instead of him punching walls, or even better, encourage his music and getting lessons instead of the gym.

[butterfly85]

Thankyou for your support and encouragement. It does help.

[mosaicone]

Im sitting here in floods of tears having come to the forum to post about my dd who is nearly 17. She is not at the above stage yet, but my god are we going through hell with her. I am not in the same country as her at the moment and she wont speak to me now so I dont really know what to do. She hates me and wants to move out - her only option is her dad, which I dont think she will do so we are going to have to learn to live together again (shes been staying at my mums for the summer). I am dreading it. She might move to her dads just to spite me. I dont know how Ill deal with that either.
That lovely little girl, so gorgeous and tiny and I dont know who she is any more. Im heart broken.

Big love and hugs to everyone who is/has going/gone through this, my heart goes out to everyone but I have no advice at all. I need some though :(

[hagarthorne]

There seems to be no help, we've tried GPs, counselling etc.
When they 'blow' and smash things- why? DS only ever did that at home. That says to me that it can be controlled. I have heard that they behave worst where they feel safest- where they know the love is unconditional.
You do unconditionally love a child, but a six foot, weight training, 21 year old young man? When there are younger siblings? A punch ball isn't the answer I don't think, when the urge is to destroy.
They say you should be always there for them, but at what cost?
They say there's no such thing as 'easily led' and also that you should never try and influence their choice of friends, and it's true, you can't, we couldn't anyway. But we all know friends have enormous influence- negative influence in our case.
i also hear 'don't tolerate smoking/drugs/vile language etc.' 'It's your home. Set boundaries.'
How exactly?
I love ds. I worry about him every day. I would do almost anything to have him safe and happy. But he drives me insane. He makes me so angry. I have other people to protect, I have to work, we are not well off, we can't afford the destruction. If I had known it would end like this, I would not have had children.

[YeGodsAndLittleFishes]

hagerthorne yes, a punchball isn't necessarily the answer for many (us included) but it can be a help for some.

For DD, when she was smashing things, it was a way to communicate how terrible, how angry and how frustrated she was that she didn't have control over her own mind, that she couldn't feel things, that her instincts were telling her to kill herself. She only did that through the refeeding part of her recovery, when I prepared all her meals because she couldn't make simple choices, and it would only take something tiny (sometimes something imagined) to tip the balance from shouting/swearing to smashing something. It was just grabbing something to hand, no time to think about finding a punch ball. Sometimes the 'something' was me, so I learned to keep my distance. Once she got her weight back to a normal level, she was better behaved but only really behaved better once on anti depressants.

Destruction is not good, but I decided it was better than self harm, and see if there were any ways to limit it. I gave her cheaper plates to smash (but that didn't stop a shard hitting the double glazed door and smashing it too.) mainly though, I tried to find better ways to communicate, and creative ways of expression (music good for her, she likes heavy metal and screamer type stuff, amongst others, though her tastes are much wider now.)

Her weight is low again now and I'm dreading round 2 or this over the next 6 months. Her 16th birthday was horrible, as we were sight seeing in a busy city, we needed to talk about what we were going to do and she lost patience and walked off. Couldn't find her. We split up to look and the family ended up apart for most of the day. When we did meet up, more tears, more arguing and shouting. Horrible. There wasn't anything I couldn't have done any better. She would have liked it if I'd forget it was her birthday and we'd been back in England and with her friends not us. That wouldn't have been better parenting though, and wouldn't have helped her.

She couldn't understand why I cried when she said she wanted to move out, and why I cried again when she said she realised the best place for her was 'at home' with me (wherever that is) and that she doesn't want to move out. I'm compromising; she can go off to her boyfriend's and stay the night, I still need to know where she is, who with, when she will be back.

[smileyforest]

Hagarthorne...
Feel your pain too....Its a daily worry...I try very hard not to allow it to influence my daily activities (work full time +), but it does....this has been my worse Summer ever, had to take 3 weeks off with the stress it caused. I'm trying to 'detach' as MARYz advises (read old posts...very useful). Lets all hope they come through the other side....knowing there are others going through just as much trauma....with their 'lovely' teens too, somehow gives comfort. x

[butterfly85]

Thankyou for your support and encouragement. It does help.

[Bracken48]

Summer68 - you just described my son. It's so sad to stand back and watch a beautiful son slowly ruin his life and hurt his family. Not sure my son is selling/buying drugs but getting money from somewhere. Breaking our hearts.