where has my beautiful boy gone?

[summer68]

17years ago I gave birth to a much wanted baby boy, he grew into a loving toddler ( always wanting cuddles) as he grew he became a bit of a mummies boy- sensitive, extremely loving and still wanting lots of cuddles. He remained like this even in his early teens. We were a very close family (dh, dd, ds and me) . THEN he changed........ He has complained that his childhood was too good, that he wants to hit rock bottom. He self harmed, talked of killing himself , ( we did everything we possible could to help him) he moved on to taking drugs, selling drugs to make money to buy drugs, then he began to threaten us with moving out ( into a squat) we've had to bend over backwards to stop him going, he comes and goes as he pleases and is rude ,often deliberately hurtful ( sometimes he leaves my dh or myself in a withdrawn state because of his hurtful comments and actions.)He stays out at people's houses who I don't know and thinks nothing of lying to us. My dh is trying his best to keep the contact going even though it means he is walked all over ( my son said his dad's a woose) I feel I can't carry on with this pain in my heart my beautiful son has gone. My darling d (18) hates her younger brother for who he has become ( they used to be the best of friends). I constantly question myself about what I did wrong. All I have ever wanted to be is a mum, what a mess I made.
Thank you if you've managed to read this far, I just needed to share in a place where people understand. I cannot talk about it at the moment to anyone because I just cry and cannot get the words out.
Thank you.x

[summer68]

Wow , I've just returned from my holiday and read though the new posts. Thank you all for the wise words-Mrsbagface, I have read the book you suggested ( in one day) it is very good and I recommend it in fact it's really helped me understand what my ds is going through.! Thank you Maggi for your advice ( we are trying very hard to keep contact going)
Haga, I totally connect to your comments, I could have written the same.xx
Thanks dogwood, butterfly, yegods, mission, jas and seriouslyffs for your comments. And my new friend smiley.

[summer68]

Holiday- my son really struggled with being away from friends, felt he was missing out. We felt more confident about talking to him though ,as the threat of running away was absent due to the fact of being abroad.
One evening while out for a meal, my ds was being rude to us when the young waiter interrupted and told my son that he HAD to be a waiter as his parents wouldn't support him to go to college, and that my son should appreciate his parents and take all the help offered to him as we clearly cared about him ( the poor waiter was very emotional ) . It didn't make any difference to my ds who in the end got up and walked out.
I did manage to talk with him towards the end of the week, and he said his brain felt like spaghetti and that he felt anxious but didn't know why. He asked me to just let him do what he wants to do, so I asked him if I should do that EVEN if I felt that sometimes he wasn't taking the right path ? He didn't reply.
I've realised I need to " detach" a bit and just try to keep the contact going, he is very lost ( he wants to look like he's homeless - didn't want to tan or eat very much - pale and thin.).
He did help to build a sandcastle with me and a family members child, and he knew how much it ment to me ( without words) I shall cherish that moment for a long time to come.
He demanded to be dropped of at his friends on our return at 3am, as they were waiting for him. And we did as otherwise he would have walked there. He has only been back for ten minutes to collect some things for the festival that he's gone to for 3 days.
Still, we built a sandcastle.......

[smileyforest]

'still we built a sandcastle'.....that brought a tear xx

[richteaaddict]

Tough Love!!!!! is heart breaking, told my ds today that when he comes back from his dads we have new rules, seen as though he hates both of us, he basically told me to shove it!!! looks like DS is off to live with his dad!! :(

[summer68]

I keep thinking about doing the same and setting down rules- but I have no idea how to enforce them. I did read though that you have to keep trying.

[BrowersBlues]

Summer and Hagar - every single word you wrote resonates with me. Hagar, your post which started 'When the situation descended to a brawl between dh' right down to 'I think we couldn't believe the transformation taking place so quickly in front of our eyes, and we fought to keep the son we had known' summarises to the letter what is happening in my home. You even mentioned that you thought one of the other posts was written by a friend who was trying to help you. You wrote out my intended post. I am so sorry for everyone on this thread. Reading it has made me feel a bit less alone.

My DS is 15 and has had a few issues over the years but a totally lovely boy loved by everyone. You can imagine what's going on now.

I am making an appointment with his GP on Monday with a view to getting him to see a counsellor and wondered if this was effective for you. Hagar, I think you mentioned that it wasn't very effective.

My son's most terrifying behaviour is extreme bouts of anger. He has been in a police station twice this week for attacking people. Last night I stayed awake because I thought he would attack me. I would have rung the police and have done in the past. His knuckles are bruised from hitting walls etc. The rate that things have escalated alarms me.

I think I have to accept that I cannot control him and trying to rein him in only escalates to a terrifying level. I havent got dressed or out of bed for two days. I am a single parent and if I don't make it to work I lose the house.

It really helps to know that I am not alone.

[hagarthorne]

Browser I am so sorry.
I cannot advise you, because we did everything wrong, and if we were beginning again we still wouldn't know what to do.
But 15 is still young. You still have a chance.
Is your ds smoking cannabis? It sounds like it (I speak from horrible experience).
Is it the friends he is with?
I wonder if we should have moved schools/homes to save ds? But it would have been terribly disruptive for dd and our work.
Counselling did not work for us, but ds was much younger and went against his will. He still utterly resents it. I think, during counselling, someone looked at him dispassionately and said what they thought was wrong. And in some ways, he was rumbled. And livid about it yet.
I think if you can get him willing to a gp you might have some hope. DS would/will never acknowledge there was any problem that was not our fault. I have never known him take the blame for anything, actually.

I wish I could help you. I will if I can. If I had to list the things that had caused our own mini hell they would be:

1. Friends
   
2. Cannabis (I know some people manage it fine- dd has tried it a few times for instance, I am sorry to say, with minimal consequences, but ds was completely different.)
   

3.Facebook. Facebook provided an alternative world in which ds was right and on the right path and justified all he did, cf the real world.

1. We gave him too much. We gave him what we did not have ourselves as children. He (and dd) take far too much for granted. They say, when reminded of endless time and expense and work and sacrifice, 'that's having kids. We didn't ask to be born. You chose to do it.'
   
2. DS especially has been shielded from the inconvenient parts of life. For instance, he resented dd from birth and said so. Instead of minimising this I made her as little trouble or intrusion to him as possible. For instance I gave up breastfeeding her when he screamed and screamed. My SIL said once that my children needed smacking and would be if they were hers. At the time I was outraged. Now I know she was right. (How I hated typing that last word!)
   

She was absolutely right.

[BrowersBlues]

Hagar, thank you very much for getting back to me. I am so grateful to you for taking the time to write such a considered reply. It is a dreadful situation to be in and I feel for you. I have been reading Maryz's threads all day which are really helping. I have been in bed for the last two days following two nights at the police station following 2 separate violent incidents. My house is a state. Your reply has energised me and I have now managed to get out of bed. I can tick each one of the points you mentioned.

Cannabis - I have found cannabis on him twice and have a good idea that he is smoking it. I will make be making a few enquiries. My DD aged 17 will find out.

Friends - some are very nice but there are two who he gravitates towards. My DD hates one who I have never been able to like either. I have a soft spot for the other boy but he has had a very tough upbringing with a mother who couldn't care less about her children and has lost custody of most of them including her son. These boys both smoke a lot of dope so I am living in cloud cuckoo land if I think my son isn't.

Moving - Its too late to move schools as he is doing GCSEs this year and he would refuse point blank. Moving house is not an option. I am desperate to hang onto my job.

Counselling - My son has indicated that he would be willing to go. A women I know has recommended a CBT counsellor and told me she works with a lot of young people including her son. I am taking him to the doctor this week and hope for a referral to CAHMS.

Facebook - has ruined my efforts to parent both my teenagers. They think they run the show.

Discipline - I should have walloped those kids of mine (not proud writing this). Their father was completely useless and thwarted everything I did. If I disciplined them he told them I was a bitch. I stayed in this area so they would know their father which I now consider the biggest mistake I ever made with them.

My son resents me massively and when I spell out any advantages he has had he tells me he hates me, didn't ask to be born, my fault I had children - if I was in better form I would be laughing at this because your son said the exact same!

I honestly feel a bit better just talking to someone like you who understands exactly. I am not going to bother telling friends because they would tell me to discipline him - laughable!

Thank you again for taking the time to post, it really made a difference. I feel less alone. Thank you especially for encouraging words that this could possibly get a bit better. I am too scared to hope at the moment. I hope with all my heart that somehow both our sons see sense.

[hagarthorne]

Browser, you are not alone. And if it is helpful, when I pointed out to dcs that no one in the history of humanity asked to be born, including me, they shut up on that point.

I think the gp is very very positive and I wish I could go back and do that. Could you also ask school for help IF they will be discreet? When I told school that ds (then 15) was buying cannabis (and planned to move on to acid) in school he never forgave me. I still think I was right to tell them, but I wish the investigation that followed and uncovered many things had not been started by me.

We couldn't move either, and making ds move schools would have been impossible.

Maryz is brilliant and very patient, much more than me. I resent the way this has taken over my mind. I find getting down to work very very difficult. Also I can completely see why lack of sleep was used as a form of torture. It turns me into a mad woman. I can behave just as badly as ds in those circumstances.

I have come to loathe facebook and social media which seems run by teens telling other teens that they are correct.

I also find myself avoiding the many perfect families I know, with their merry teenagers swishing energetically through life!

Is it any comfort to you to know that every mistake you have made, I have made ten times over? And that all I ever wanted was 2 contented kids? And that they had all the bedtime story, family time adventures, right clothes for school, birthday parties, sports clubs, swimming lessons, music lessons, school trips that we could afford, ungrudgingly given because neither dh or I had those things. And dh was beaten by the Christian Brothers at school and his dad at home and reacted by being so gentle ds calls him a wuss and has physically hurt him.

It is just hard, hard, hard, but you are not alone. Your ds is 6 years younger than mine and has agreed to co operate a bit. You have a job, hang on to it and I will try to hang on to mine, and maybe we will get through.

Good luck, and hugs and take courage, thinking of you and wishing you well, H

[smileyforest]

Browers....take some comfort, you're really not alone...I feel your pain and heartbreak, I'm single parent also, Haven't time to explain more but I read Maryz's post and really helped me. I had to have 3 x weeks off from work with stress as couldn't concentrate and was afraid of making a mistake.
My DS had all that could be afforded...mistakes probable were made but we can't blame ourselves all the time.
I believe its modern society, cannabis social media and more.
We can all help and support each other...here for all in same situation xx
See post from 'itcanonlygetbetter'

[BrowersBlues]

Hagar and Smiley, its was lovely to get your posts. Is is hugely comforting to hear everyone makes mistakes. I don't think we could have anticipated how things were going to pan out. We can indeed support one another on MN. I can't tell anyone in RL. I can just imagine the faces of my friends or colleagues if I told them what happened in my house this week. It sounds like a scene out of a horror film. Do we know what's going on in their homes though?

Hagar, it breaks my heart to think of your DH. My father worked in the Brothers for years and was one of the good ones. My son goes for the jugular when he is angry and has said and done despicable things. He is staying at a friends tonight and I am so pleased he is not here.

I am heading off to bed. Good night, I hope you both sleep well.

I will check out posts, thanks for recommendation Smiley.

[BrowersBlues]

Hagar, I meant to say that it is a good idea to mention it to the school. The only thing that would concern me is that my son would go mental if he found out that I had contacted them. I will sound them out. The investigation you refer to sounds hair raising and obviously didn't help one bit. Night everyone.

[BrowersBlues]

Well another crap day at my house. My DS has gone to 'live' at his dads. This will probably last 3 days max. The two days he has been there so far he stayed with friends. I haven't a clue if he has a clean uniform or what time he got to school. My EXH thinks its cool to let teenagers do their own thing.

My DD 17 has just kicked off massively because I asked her to turn off the lights. Every day I come back from work the house is lit up like a Christmas tree. I actually cried about it today because I have tried everything, ranting and talking calmly but nothing works. Her stuff is all over the house and her bedroom is beyond normal filth. She is so rude to me it is mind boggling.

I wish I had never had children and if I knew what I know now I never ever would have had them. I am holed up in my room and don't want to leave in case I bump into DD.

I am trying to hold down a full time job and pay all the bills in this house. I have friends but can't tell them as they are mostly married and would just tell me not to take crap from them.

I am only writing on here to tell someone who knows what I am talking about. Will this ever end? I CANT WAIT until they leave home. Seriously I cannot wait.

[summer68]

Browsers, there are lots of us that know exactly what you are talking about. I've actually managed to tell a few close friends now what's been going on and I've been very surprised to learn they too have had their own problems with their teens - it appears to be very common, sadly. Apparently it's because our dc feel so secure and loved by us they can be obnoxious to us.
I feel for you Browser, you are not on your own. Xxx

[BrowersBlues]

Well my DS is still at his dads and amazingly it is going well. I have to be honest and say I am enjoying the break. His mood seems better and he is going to anger management counselling. He seems to be getting something out of it. I don't ask too many questions but he said he likes going and feels a bit better. He doesn't have any bruises on his hands so that's progress. He has also gone back to the gym. I am keeping my fingers crossed.

I also told a couple of friends and to my surprise one of them went through exactly the same thing. I never would have thought it because she has a very strong marriage and a lot of family support around her. Hearing that she went through it made me feel a lot better about myself. I have reared the DC on my own. They saw their dad but he was a bit of a liability. My other friend told me she knows people going through the same.

My DD's behaviour is starting to improve. I think she realised the impact their behaviour was having on me. Now it is just the two of us things have definitely improved.

I don't know how long my DS will be at his dad's but for the moment it is working well. I think it is probably for the best. I speak to him every day, not that he says too much! Part of me feels heartbroken that he isn't here but I just have to grit my teeth and focus on the good.

[smileyforest]

Good to hear Browers, If it works and the house is calmer then just enjoy, my youngest son is 50/50 with me and his Dad, the way my other DS has been , it has helped me cope. I never like to admit to the things improving with my DS because....without doubt...something will go wrong!!
Hard work isn't it!!!!

[BrowersBlues]

Smiley I know exactly what you are saying I was even nervous writing my last post in case it jinxed the relative calm! My DS wants to stay with his dad fulltime. He popped in to my house yesterday with a face like thunder and was so goddam rude it really was hard to bear. He hadn't been well last week and was off school. His asthma kicked off and I had to take him to the after hours doctor. His father has no car and is effing useless - another story. Everything always falls to me.

I rang his father yesterday to see how DS was and was told he had gone out to a friends. The friend in question lives in a house with a garage out the back where all the kids in our neighbourhood go and drink and smoke dope. I shared this info with my EXH who told my son what I said. DS called in here to see what I was talking about. I rang my EXH who tried to deny what goes on in the garage even thought he has never spoken to the friend's mother who told me all about it herself. Like I was really going to make up that story to cause trouble! My EXH then rang my DD (18) who verified the garage story.

The mother in question is an alcoholic and is afraid of her son. The police have been called and the kids scarper and then just come back.

The thing that is bothering me the most is that I feel that I have lost my son. He was so lovely right up to about 13 years of age. There were issues but we were really close. Now he doesn't want to live with me and favours his dad who hasn't paid a penny towards him and is a dickhead. I am really devastated but am trying my absolute best to put a brave face on it. In reality there is nothing I can do.I just wish he was here and we could be close. I would absolutely love 50/50 but its not on the cards. I feel like all my hard work for the last 18 years has just been thrown in my face and I am completely worthless. I don't want a medal for rearing my children but this is so hard to bear. I made a very poor choice marrying my EXH and it only lasted 4 years before I left with my DC because he was violent towards me. I have made crap choices and feel so stupid.

I am sorry to the pityfest but I have to get it off my chest. Even though I am putting a brave face on it I am completely devastated and feel like I did a crap job. I also feel resentment that my dickhead EX looks like the saviour of the whole situation stepping in to rescue my son from me. I really wish the next 5 years could just speed past.

[BrowersBlues]

I have just given myself a good kick up the backside and feel a bit more positive. Maybe writing my last post helped. I read a post from a previous poster called Celia saying that parents are parents forever. It made me take the focus off today and think that this could pass and we could have a relationship again even if it is a few years in the future. Thanks for reading and I hope everyone is coping ok today.

[jakesmith]

I was a nightmare at that age, from about 14-18 I got kicked out of 2 schools, got into drugs (not really hard ones more recreational like ecstasy, weed, LSD etc), used to go clubbing & to illegal squat parties.

Come from a very normal middle class background with very loving parents but have always had a real problem with authority & deep need to reject it, still like it now

However as soon as I moved out, relationship with parents improved massively. Went to uni where I got more of a balance between partying & learning some self discipline

Now I'm mid 30's and really hapilly married to a lovely girl, got a nice house etc. Never fully tackled my issues & get bored at work quite easily, all my jobs have been 2-3 years then move on, and I'm also afraid to have children as I'm worried I won't be a good parent or my kids will turn out like how I was in the hard times

But I do lead a relatively normal life, love my parents to bits and I have made them proud of who I have become, so there is hope I'd say. Good luck

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

According to the author of 'Divas and Doorslammers', Charlie Taylor, teenagers brains are actually changing and restructuring during adolescence, and this means that they lose some abilities during that time - the ability to empathise (and by extension, to realise how much their behaviour is hurting those around them) disappears.

The good news is that it does come back - it isn't a permanent loss.

[BrowersBlues]

Jake, thanks very much for posting. Lovely to hear that you are happily married and all well. You would probably make a good parent because you have been to the edge and back.

SDTG I must read Divas and Doorslammers. My DS certainly seems unable to empathise with me on any score. It is more palatable to think it is due to a bit of brain restructuring. I would love it to come back soon! I will check out the book - love the name of it. Thanks for your post.

[smileyforest]

Hi Browers, just hope your feeling OK....just came back from a couple days away...nice break....needed to unwind etc....Wears me out coping with everything...Your son will always be there and he will come back to you...I'm so sure of that....he will always want his Mum....but all this hurts us so I feel your pain.....xxx

[BrowersBlues]

Smiley, thanks for kind words. Great to hear you had a nice break and managed to unwind. Fingers crossed he will come back to me at some stage. I can't even contemplate the alternative but I suppose that happens to lots of people, I might be no different. We are talking a bit again on the phone. It's a start but I have to play the long game. I hope you have a good week!

[summer68]

Thanks jakesmith, Its always good to hear there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I found out last night that my son tried to kill himself on sunday- his girlfriend stopped him. Ive been very tearful all day- always find myself back here when things get tough. Ive been researching further ways to help my ds.
any advice welcome.
Hes been threatening it for a while, so our gp knows, he has a counsellor (but he didnt turn up for his appointment yesterday) I feel that Im not doing enough to help him.
I had distanced myself from my son as he has been trying so hard to push me away . I had even had an argument with my dh about it as he was still trying hard to parent our ds and I was insisting that we let him go - let him just do as he wishes and be there if he asks us. I was very wrong-my ds gf text me and said she "understands its easier to distance yourself so you dont have to deal with the issue" and that my son is upset that he cant talk to me!
His gf has ended their relationship because she cannot cope with him any more - she said she has had to prevent him from killing himself several times.

[smileyforest]

Summer....I'm so, so sorry to hear this...how devastating for you...Your son obviously needs help but what on earth can you do if he wont accept it? Keep in touch, have been thinking of you...been up and down here too xxxx