DD has lied and gone against wishes with XP's support re: a trip abroad - WWYD?

[ElizabethFailer]

Ok - so DD's school is one of those ones that 'offers' a really expensive trip abroad to NY - basically costing an arm and a leg. DH and I said that we can only do for one what we can do for the other children, of which we have 4, so forking out for what would eventually come to £8000 is not doable (the trip would be £2000 with equipment, so that times 4...). DD and DS1 are from my previous relationship, DS 2 and 3 I had with DH. We also said the money would be far better spent on learning to drive. The 'aim' of this trip is to go to Broadway, go to an art gallery and go shopping. All of which could be done in London for £100 + spending money. Instead, this trip is £1000 + spending money for the week, food etc.
We said for her not to apply, as we wouldn't be able to let her go if she got in.
DH has just found out that she's applied, got in, and her dad is paying for her to go. Bearing in mind that XP doesn't pay his full maintenance proportion as apparently he can't afford it, we're furious that a) she's gone behind our back, applied and lied about it b) he's using the trip as a popularity contest.
There is nothing advantageous about going on this trip other than the kudos of going, and we just think it doesn't teach DD about working for things she wants - it just teaches her to run to her Dad when she disagrees with our decision.
Legally, it's also tricky as he doesn't have LPR, so if he's signed a form to give her permission to go, it's illegal. But WTF do we do now? If I stick to my guns, I'm the bad guy again, saying no, but if I back down and let her go, she's getting her own way after being sneaky about it!?

Sorry but how do you know your ex isn't putting this on his credit card and plans to pay it off piecemeal? Or that he's decided to forego something he has been saving up for (like driving lessons since he doesn't drive) and spend his savings on a once-in-lifetime trip?

You are resenting that he had 2k which you feel have been should be yours via maintenance.

That's the real issue.

If your daughter applied, got accepted and he couldn't fund the trip, you would not be so furious for her going behind your back.

At her age, I truly would have given a part of my body away for a 5 day trip to New York. I never ever thought I'd ever make it there and up have been several times during my 30s, I turned 40 whilst over there.

It's not her fault that her father has pleaded poverty to you. You need to get the correct amount of maintenance if that is the issue, but why the hell shouldn't she ask both parents if she can go?

i can see that it is unfair, my initial thought was like you, a No, she can't go.

but it is a difficult situation.
can you talk to your dd about how unfair it is on the others that she goes and they probably don't?

if you let her go will you ensure that the other dc, that is also his? goes,

and will the remaining 2 of your DC actually remember? are they that much younger? if they do remember I am sure you can talk your way out of it.

perhaps you cant afford her passport - that might be a way out.

summerflower what an excellent post!

I'm not going to comment on if she should be allowed to go because that is between you and her father. Can you sit her down and say something like, we said you couldn't go for xyz reason. We told you not to ask your father because we believed he did not gave the money. You do realise that he has been paying only x amount in maintenance for the past y years and from the state of our finances we do not have enough money to buy you and your siblings clothes. If he has found the money to pay for you, then you will be happy for her. But he must factor in cost of and arrange passport, suitcase, phone bill whilst she is there, spending money (or she gets a job) etc. Say you are disappointed with her going behind your backs, but you understand why she did. Apologise for not being so open with her and not telling her why she shouldn't have asked her dad and pointing out that if he cannot pay, you will not be making up the difference.

ElizabethFailer "We did specifically say that she wasn't to ask her dad - knowing that he would play the 'popular parent game', and that he has pleaded poverty to not being able to pay more maintenance, we thought it would be unfair of her to ask him to stump up the cash, which he's either fallen for, or knowingly chosen to do"

Why shouldn't she ask her dad? My children's dad is rich, I am not. He takes them all round the world on luxurious 5* holidays, I take them to Cornwall. They know the score about my finances and I know they don't love me any less for not be able to afford expensive treats and that they enjoy our cheapy holidays just as much.

Admittedly, he does pay his maintenance for them (although definitely not as much as he should) but I don't see why they should have less luxuries just because we are divorced. I frequently tell them to ask their Dad if they want an extra that is out of my price range. It's up to him then whether he says "yes" or "no"

I (a teenage boy) went through this when I turned 17. My school offered a ski trip to Vermont/New York and my parents were in the advantageous position of being able to afford this. It's a bit different as all my family are snow sports mad, having learnt to ski at 4 and snowboard at 7, I had always wanted to ski in that particular region of the states. However, it was a choice between that and learning to drive in an intensive course in preparation for getting a car for my 18th.

I chose the trip, and HUGELY regret it. I had an amazing time, but I'm 19 now and paying for myself to learn to drive, and realise that I could have been driving and had a car for over two years now had I thought through it a bit more rationally and thought what the money would be better spent on. I guarantee your daughter will feel really stupid when all her friends are passing their tests and driving and she's relying on you for lifts.