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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Teenagers, Parties & Alcohol

49 replies

ChillySundays · 09/06/2014 22:43

My DS (15) has been invited to a party this weekend. Everyone taking alcohol. I am not being ftb about it as I have an older daughter. However I am a bag of nerves. He has been sensible enough to refuse previous invitations as he has had matches the next day. I am sure some of you will be horrified but if he gets someone else to buy I can't control what he takes.

OP posts:

Maria33 · 09/06/2014 22:47

Don't buy because then you're enabling it. You can't control what he does but you can send a consistent message. He can rebel and face the consequences. Kids will push boundaries and it's just your job to keep your boundaries clear.

If you buy it, you're telling h that you're fine with him drinking. If that's true, then buy it but if not, don't :)

Hope that helps.

MamaPain · 09/06/2014 22:50

What are your specific concerns?

Original poster

ChillySundays · 09/06/2014 22:57

Mama - I know it sounds silly but I am not sure what my concerns are (if that makes sense). Even if he takes no alcohol I will still be worried. Think he is still my little boy and seems younger than his sister appeared at that age

OP posts:

Bowlersarm · 09/06/2014 22:58

Ds1 went to a few parties at that age, and he would take a couple of cans or bottles of low alcohol beer. He's now 18, and virtually teetotal so it hasn't made him into a raging alcoholic.

DS2, now 16, never been into parties so haven't had to address the issue with him. Ds3 is 14 and not interested yet, but he maybe at some stage and we'll address the issue then.

Original poster

ChillySundays · 09/06/2014 23:00

My DD is tee total. She was lecturing him the other night about drinking!

OP posts:

chocoluvva · 10/06/2014 09:20

So difficult. I sympathise.

Could you put something alcoholic-looking into a large empty bottle of cider? (probably not)

Original poster

ChillySundays · 10/06/2014 13:37

Funny you should say that. The other night there was an empty bottle of red wine and he was drink blackcurrant squash and I said when poured into the empty bottle they both looked the same. Although I am sure teenagers don't take red wine to parties! But cider would be ok. Bowler's suggestion of low alcohol is a good one.

OP posts:

allinthegameyo · 10/06/2014 13:42

A couple of low alcohol lagers?
better than being locked up, then let out at 18 to go ape.

fubbsy · 10/06/2014 14:01

I'm not horrified, but iiwy I wouldn't be buying anything. I'm with Maria, you can't control what he does, but you can send a consistent message. Doesn't stop you being nervous, I know.

Whether you buy him low alcohol lager or nothing at all, he could easily go to the party and drink the vodka somebody else brought.

chocoluvva · 10/06/2014 17:07

They are under pressure to be seen to be drinking.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 10/06/2014 17:13

DD(15) is having a barbecue at the weekend. I have said no alcohol, and anyone who brings any will be asked to leave. DD said all her friends are fine with this.

I'm not anti alcohol by the way, happy for DD to have the odd glass of cider or wine if she wants to. But I have no intention of dealing with other people's drunken 15 year olds (and DD has told me some horror stories).

Original poster

ChillySundays · 10/06/2014 20:47

I know no-one has mentioned what year group he is in and I know whether it's y10 or y11 they are still under 18. Most of y11 are 16 years old does this make a difference to some people?

OP posts:

Original poster

ChillySundays · 10/06/2014 20:52

Fubbsy - my worry is that he may drink the vodka if he doesn't take any. When my daughter went to parties they tended to drink what they brought although if someone came without any others would share. I have less control if goes without. I do sound like I am trying to justify myself. Am going to have a talk with him tomorrow.

OP posts:

fubbsy · 11/06/2014 09:06

We don't really have any control of them when they are in these situations. That's the difficult bit IMO. You still feel like they need your protection.

Talking about things is always a good idea. In the end it's their own mind, their own decisions that will keep them safe.

I had similar worries about my dd going to a festival with her friends. She is a sensible girl, and we have talked plenty, but of course I still worry.

BuzzLightbulb · 11/06/2014 10:02

We had similar issues with my step daughter, she wanted to take alcohol just because "everyone else was".

Peer pressure is a terrible thing at that age.

We knew she would probably drink if her friends brought some along but we stuck to our guns and she went off with no alcohol Kopparberg type cider. The cans are identical to the full fat version.

We also warned her about the dangers of drinking something someone else has given you, alcoholic or not, even if you think it's fine cos you know them. Teenage boys in particular can do dozy things 'just for a laugh', she took that message really well and said she think she might have had a drink spiked at a previous party because she wasn't drinking and had felt really odd.

Turned 16, she takes some alcohol, some non alcohol. Does depend on the party, who's going and what she's doing the next morning. Never is it a bottle of vodka or bacardi!

We did let her and a friend take some strong cider out of the fridge once, it was too much for her and she threw up and has checked the alcohol content of anything and everything since then!

We're lucky, she finds drunk people really annoying and isn't interested in becoming one of them.

AMumInScotland · 11/06/2014 10:14

Do you let him have a drink or two at home, or at family parties? If so, I wouldn't have a problem with buying him a couple of bottles/cans of something, possibly low alcohol but not necessarily.

But more important is talking to them about why getting drunk at these parties is a bad idea, and some advice on how to deal with other people being drunk. Sooner or later someone will be, them or another. By 15 I take the view that the problem is not having a drink or two occasionally, but the lack of sense about stopping when you've had enough.

BuzzLightbulb · 11/06/2014 10:24

Here's a good example for you.

Usual party story involves at least one of the boys getting drunk and then starting an argument with one of the others, usually over a girl, and a few fists can fly. Nothing too serious.

Except....

One party one of the lads let his drunken bravado get the better of him, mouthed off to a bunch of guys in a car as he was walking home. They didn't take kindly to it, stoped and kicked the sh1t out of him.

Sober, he's a nice lad, wouldn't say boo to a goose.

claraschu · 11/06/2014 10:37

Most of them drink at parties at this age. I think most party goers overdo it at least once and throw up (not everyone, but more than the parents are aware of). We have had a few teenage parties with no terrible disasters, but I am 100% sure that a fair number of parents are deluding themselves about what goes on.

The most important thing is that your son feels able to talk to you, and able to call you at any hour if he is out of his depth; that is why it is important not to be overly shocked and anxious, as your son might start lying to you.

Of course, he might (probably will) lie about something anyway, but try not to make him scared to confide in you.

Original poster

ChillySundays · 11/06/2014 13:42

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. Like I said I am going to have a talk tonight. it may be that he takes a few cans of low/non alcohol. I do drink at home so going down the fire and brimstone seems a bit hypocritical (I know it should be do as I say not as I do) and lately we have let him on special occasion have a small glass of lager.

A special thank you for reminding me of other drinks being spiked and also for him not to get involved with spiking drinks (even if it is for a laugh).

After reading some of the threads on here (not judging in anyway) I would rather he had a can too many than be having sex and getting a girl pregnant. Please no one burst my little bubble and say he might be!

OP posts:

sinningsaint · 11/06/2014 21:55

I gave my DD a few ciders to take to parties from 15 because of a previous point you made OP. She has always said if she didn't take any people would have no problem with giving her some vodka, but if you have your own drinks they are really stingy. This proved true as the only time she has ever come home throwing up and really drunk was when I didn't buy her 'enough' (she wanted 4 bottles of cider, I bought 2) so she shared a bottle of vodka with someone else.

mrscumberbatch · 11/06/2014 21:59

I agree with buying him a few beers or ciders.

I went to parties (bought my own mind you) and never got into any trouble etc as a teenager. I have the odd glass of wine these days.

DP however, never touched a drop till he was 18 under threats from MIL and nearly fecked up his entire life before the age of 25...

TroyMcClure · 11/06/2014 22:02

i had this
my rule is 16

WHO ARE THESE PARENTS?

TroyMcClure · 11/06/2014 22:03

i bet most people on here are parents of toddlers

studies shwo that drinking alcohol before you are mature is really bad for your health and the old " do it like the french " thing is a myth

imo you need to be totally against alcohol. not pick and choose when and how much is not allowed

you give him a couple of cans and you are in effect permitting him to drink ( in his eyes)

TroyMcClure · 11/06/2014 22:04

plus who is in charge of these kids if they over drink? How would you explain this if something happened and the police were involved, school would be told and maybe in extreme situations Social care

Bowlersarm · 11/06/2014 22:04

That's your opinion, Troy. The OP and most others on this thread seem to have a more reasonable and balanced approach.

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