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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Teenagers, Parties & Alcohol

49 replies

ChillySundays · 09/06/2014 22:43

My DS (15) has been invited to a party this weekend. Everyone taking alcohol. I am not being ftb about it as I have an older daughter. However I am a bag of nerves. He has been sensible enough to refuse previous invitations as he has had matches the next day. I am sure some of you will be horrified but if he gets someone else to buy I can't control what he takes.

OP posts:

TroyMcClure · 11/06/2014 22:05

i agree with this from maira

Don't buy because then you're enabling it. You can't control what he does but you can send a consistent message. He can rebel and face the consequences. Kids will push boundaries and it's just your job to keep your boundaries clear.

TroyMcClure · 11/06/2014 22:06

bowlers

its against the law to buy alcohol for teenagers. Why would you do that? OD you let them drive at 15? Not wear a seatbelt?

That is the simple truth and unfortunately in BOTH of my jobs i come into contact with teenagers whose parents let them drink.
This rarely has good effects

Bowlersarm · 11/06/2014 22:10

It is perfectly legal for a 15 year old to drink alcohol on private premises.

TroyMcClure · 11/06/2014 22:11

read this

yes - great idea, what a cool mum you are

www.drinkaware.co.uk/check-the-facts/alcohol-and-your-child/children-and-alcohol-the-risks

Bowlersarm · 11/06/2014 22:13

Thanks, indeed I am

PrincessOfChina · 11/06/2014 22:13

I'm not sure it is against the law to buy alcohol for teenagers? It's certainly not against the law for them to consume it on private premises. In fact, I think from 16 you can buy them a drink with a meal.

The teenage years are the perfect time to encourage sensible consumption.

TroyMcClure · 11/06/2014 22:13

plus dont give MY kids alcohol at YOUR party, without my permission - that really annoyed me, These people have no right to or have any idea of any underlying health issues that might preclude alcohol

chocoluvva · 12/06/2014 10:07

Ooh I know Troy.

My stance with DS (15) is that he is allowed one bottle of beer on very special occasions - to celebrate a successful event we held, Christmas and New Year's eve. He's allowed to taste drinks but that's it
When he's 16 he'll be allowed to have one beer more frequently.

DD and her friend had a joint 17th birthday party. As some of the guests were still 15 we decided not to provide any alcohol not wishing to give other people's children alcohol. There was plenty of alcohol there anyway. Two of the 17YOs fell by the wayside . DD phoned for help with them. I felt absolutely dreadful when I delivered one home to her shocked parents.

meditrina · 12/06/2014 10:24

What is the likely level of supervision at the party?

Because older teens do drink at parties, and the risk is excessive drunkenness leading to problems which other tipsy/drunk teens can't handle. For example, if a teen unused to alcohol misjudged it badly, threw up and started to choke, would they know what to do? Or would they be more concerned about being in trouble for drinking, and not seek help?

Even if an adult does not supervise the party as such, their very presence takes the edge of it a bit, and means that if something goes badly wrong there is someone on hand who is much more likely to make the right call.

pinkbraces · 12/06/2014 10:39

we had a 15th birthday party for my DSS three weeks ago. He asked for alcohol and we said no, he was also aware that if anyone brought alcohol we would phone the parents and they would go home.

We knew that some alcohol would probably be smuggled in and we knew that some of the kids would drink before they arrived but we would not supply any or allow any to be openly brought. This worked really well and we had a relatively stress free party. Although the guest list of 40 ended up being more like 70 it was a very sunny weekend and the party ended up being in the garden.

I really don't think such young teens should be encouraged to drink.

pinkbraces · 12/06/2014 10:41

I forgot to add, what worked really well was getting DD 17 and some of her friends to act as security, they mingled with the kids and if anyone got out of hand they dealt with it. The older teens knew most of the younger ones anyway as most of them go to the same school.

Kanyewest123 · 12/06/2014 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AMumInScotland · 12/06/2014 12:09

ToryMcClure Actually I'm not the parent of a toddler, I have a 20yo DS.

I bought him small amounts of cider to take to parties from about 16. He came back a bit drunk once, and has always known that we would pick him up anywhere anytime.

I went to parties from a similar age, but my parents would never have considered buying me alcohol to take. So I would buy a half-bottle of vodka and drink that. I was drunk more often than I care to remember, in circumstances where I was not fully in control of what could have happened to me. I walked home, or got the night bus.

Parenting a teenager is a compromise, and we all make choices based on our own judgements of what the risks are and how best to reduce them.

Telling them not to drink and not buying them any is one solution. Allowing them to have a small quantity and making sure they are aware of the potential consequences is another.

AMumInScotland · 12/06/2014 12:13

What I meant to add is - I think what's most important about teens and alcohol is to firstly model responsible drinking behaviour yourself - if they see the only way you have any fun is to get bladdered, they're going to pick up on that. And second, talk to them, and listen to them, so that alcohol (and all kinds of other things) become something that you discuss in a way that allows them to think about them. Pretend they are capable of a sensible grown-up discussion, and you'll often be surprised to find that they really are capable of it.

Even as a student, DS still drinks far less than I did at his age - I think that's because we were open about the fun and not-fun aspects of alcohol and gave him room to work through it.

chocoluvva · 12/06/2014 12:16

Allowing them to have a small quantity and making sure they are aware of the consequences is another

It's not always an either or. You can refuse to give them alcohol AND make them aware of the consequences of drinking too much. I swear my older teen was put off drinking at parties by me describing the embarrassing effect that drinking even quite small amounts when she wasn't used to it would have.

Practise at home for the time being if possible.

But I know it's a really tricky one...

Original poster

ChillySundays · 12/06/2014 13:24

Even if you say no they will still have access. I worry about the lies by completing banning anything. When I remember some of the stories my daughter has told me in the past - some of the parents has no idea what was going on as the children were lying. That Started in Y10. I feel I am lucky that I have got to the end of Y11 before having to deal with this.

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Original poster

ChillySundays · 12/06/2014 13:27

Choco - I didn't think of the embarrassing part. Another point as well as safety to bring up. I was going to talk to him yesterday but my daughter went out. I know I should be able do it on my own but her agreeing with me counts for a lot. It's not just mum nagging or being 'tight'. She will have lots of warning stories to tell

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chocoluvva · 12/06/2014 14:57

And people have phones with internet access.

If you don't like someone you might tell them while under the influence which would be very embarrassing and if you like someone you might tell them while under the influence which would be very embarrassing...

You might say anything... Or do anything (take your clothes off, dance in your underpants. Hilarious at the time) Throw up everywhere - not attractive. Vomit on your clothes and your shoes - lovely. Maybe in your hair. Or on someone else. Nice.

And only two or three drinks will have a much greater effect on a young, developing brain re impairing sense of judgment than on an older person. AND your DS isn't used to drinking. He WILL get very drunk very easily. It's entertaining when it's someone else....

DD's very drunk friend had to go home at 10pm. Remembered nothing about the evening and missed the party - even though she went.

They drink shots.....

(Bad for his skin too.)

Agree a codeword with him so you can 'rescue' him quickly if he's in trouble and doesn't want anyone to know he's asking you to take him home. But wish him fun. And don't be judgmental if he tells you stuff later. As you say, better to know.

DD's tales of drinking games

LieInsAreExtinct · 12/06/2014 16:03

DD recently cancelled her own 14th birthday party because of all the pressure - especially people (some older friends 15) wanting to bring alcohol, and invite extras. I had put my foot down about alcohol as plenty of 13 year olds attending and I agree with many of the issues raised in this thread, e.g.:
Who is responsible if something goes wrong?
How do I know which parents don't mind a bit and which would be horrified?
I had tried to get all parents' contact numbers before the event but this failed. I gave her an ultimatum and she was pretty relieved when it was all called off, even though she appeared to have been looking forward to it until a week or so before.
I know one 14th birthday party where the parents supplied some alcopops went wrong with lots of kids getting drunk and rowdy - the parents threw them all out at 10pm!
Very difficult time, teen-parenting!

Spidermama · 12/06/2014 21:49

I bought a bottle of Prosecco for dd and her 2 friends to have with oj (Buck's Fizz) when they were having a night in round mine. Unbeknownst to me one of the friend's mums had bought cider for the same reason and that friend had also nicked vodka from her granny's house so they all got hammered.

Original poster

ChillySundays · 13/06/2014 21:50

Well tonight's the night. He gone off armed with a few lagers courtesy of dad. Already gone by the time I got home so I rang him to re-cap the highlights of last night's discussion. Mobile will be on tonight and have told him if he needs to come home I will come out whatever the time.

OP posts:

Original poster

ChillySundays · 14/06/2014 09:52

He's home in one piece. No having to collect in the middle of the night. Asked who the who got the most drunk - one of the kids who parents hadn't allowed alcohol. No police or ambulances which is more than I can say for the parties my daughter went to.

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GrassyBottom · 14/06/2014 15:46

Glad it went well Chilly.
My turn tonight. DS2 16 is going to a party. It's an "end of GCSEs (well apart from one)" party at a friend's house. He has some small bottles of beer to take and I have repeated the talk about not drinking anything else and having soft drinks as well. DH will collect at midnight.

Original poster

ChillySundays · 14/06/2014 20:36

Hope all goes well Grassy. Feel like I have made a huge mountain out of a mole hill. I wasn't the only one. Spoke to a couple on mum's who were worried and we all have older children.

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