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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

My 15yo refusing school now baby has been born.

44 replies

PinkPearDrops · 03/06/2014 08:08

I have had to change my name for this one as I am a regular poster. I am going to keep things as short as possible, but feel free to ask questions.

My 15yo girlfriend gave birth to his child 3weeks ago, now he is refusing to go to school, I was gracious letting him have a whole week of when the baby was born, now he has told me 'I'm not going back to school I want to be with my son" and he is very adamant. Bearing in mind I didn't know he had a girlfriend or was even interested in girls until just over 3 months ago.

I feel powerless, I have told him that he needs to go to school and if I allow him not to I can get in a lot of trouble, but he just wont go he is leaving the house in the morning to go and visit his girlfriend and the baby and returning late evening. I have asked my EX Husband to speak to him, but he is just not interested.

Advice please, don't sorry I can deal with critism.

OP posts:

AWombWithoutARoof · 03/06/2014 08:20

If their relationship is still going strong are you able to appeal to him on the grounds of him doing well at school so he can eventually help provide for his new family?

It's good that he wants to spend time with his son, can you acknowledge that but also point out that working dads have to go back to work following paternity leave?

mismylinford · 03/06/2014 08:26

is there any support from school coucilin that he can talk to? connexions maybe? if he won't listen to you?
15 so very important year ahead maybe over the summer as baby gets older he might be able to have sense knocked into him and go back. make sure you.communicate with the school about it too as they should be more understanding.

MrsMaturin · 03/06/2014 08:29

What's happening at school with his peers? Does he have friends? I'm wondering if he's actually getting a hard time from other people about the situation, possibly girlfriend is too and they are clinging together?

Also - sorry to mention this but he does know that she can get pregnant again now doesn't he - even if she's breastfeeding etc etc.

LIZS · 03/06/2014 08:34

Are school aware, how have you accounted for his absence so far ? I guess there is still a euphoric haze. Maybe a few lessons in the economics of raising a child will demonstrate to him the need to go back to education . There will be support on offer for the young mum but little for him. Do you know the gf and her family to be able to discuss the situation with?

Original poster

PinkPearDrops · 03/06/2014 08:45

Mismylinford. The School are not aware of this, he has told me he doesn't want anyone to know except for me and close family. MrsMaturin He hasn't told any of his friends as I said he only wants close family to know. Girlfriend doesn't attend the same school as him, she's actually a year older. And I think his aware that she can get pregnant again. LIZS I am close to girlfriend and her mother, mother has tried to persuade him to go to school so has his girlfriend, but he is adamant not to go back.

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 03/06/2014 08:48

Well obviously you have to tell the school and the Lea, it doesn't matter whether he wants it kept private or not as a reason needs to be provided.

Could you possibly home educate him until he is 16 and then persuade him to go to college?

Original poster

PinkPearDrops · 03/06/2014 08:54

LaurieFairyCake I couldn't home educate him as he isn't home during the day, since baby being born he has also given up all his sports and hobbies, he is just focusing his whole life on his child.

OP posts:

ILoveCoreyHaim · 03/06/2014 08:58

My dad was 15 when he had me and left school without any qualifications. He now in his 50, still married to DM, I have 3 dbs and DF isI a manager in the NHS. In his late 20s he basically done school over, went on a scheme and got himself into the NHS and worked his way through the ranks

meditrina · 03/06/2014 08:58

Sometimes you have to do what your children need, not just what they want. And I think you need to tell the school. They should have confidential support services for sensitive matters.

Then you can work with them about getting him back (for he is, presumably, in year 10 not 11 so he needs to be in school for another year and participating for another year after that).

I would also suggest (gently, not by sermonising) that this child will need his support for years, and that material support is part of that. It's even more important that he gets enough education to be employable (dangle prospect of apprenticeships?). And of course point out that they can have the whole summer holiday together and that's only a few weeks away.

ILoveCoreyHaim · 03/06/2014 09:00

And my DM was in the year above DF at school.

Original poster

PinkPearDrops · 03/06/2014 09:07

Meditrina I am going to contact his school this morning, yes he is a year 10. He knows his child is going to need support both girlfriends family and members of my family are providing for the baby, so the pair of them have it easy. As much as I talk to him I know he is not going to go back to school, when your children get to a certain age you just feel powerless.

OP posts:

mismylinford · 03/06/2014 09:38

pinkpeardrops + you should be proud of him taking his responsibitlty of being a parent very seriously at his age. unfortunately 15 you always know best hopefully the school will be supportive to both of you, bless him not telling any of his friends he must feel so alone (even with family support) no wonder why he just wants to stay with family. bless.

neolara · 03/06/2014 09:41

I wonder if the midwife or HV knows of any groups for young dads? Or just another young dad your ds could talk to about stuff. "Getting an education so you can support your child" might come better from a 17 year old than his mother.

pleaseaffixstamps · 03/06/2014 10:13

I think it is weirdly heartening that he wants to spend so much time with his new baby and his girlfriend, but have you tried pointing out that the law says he must stay until he's 16, and that he has to be responsible now that he's a parent? And that the Bank Of Both Mums And Dads may not last forever, so it's good to get on the path of becoming employable?

pleaseaffixstamps · 03/06/2014 10:15

And just reading the other posts, it occurs to me that the fact he hasn't told anyone is possibly the reason he's not going back to school - it's the most important thing in his life right now, and it would be unimaginable for him to see his mates and not mention it.

Has he talked about why he doesn't want anyone to know? The baby can't be kept a secret forever.

ILoveCoreyHaim · 03/06/2014 10:36

Aww bless him if no one at school knows. Understandably he will feel he has nothing in common with his peers and is probably fearing his peers taking the piss or even asking questions. Try and find out if he can finish his gcse's in a setting away from school. IDK if his is possible but it might be an easier option for him. It's good he wants to spend time with the baby and his gf but is he doing it so he can say he can't go to school. Such a trick situation, still a kid but a dad and how do you now make him do anything. All you can do is support him and try and coax him into doing gases as he will need a job to support the baby. Tell him it's just one last hurdle and he will be left and gone and look into trying to get him on an apprenticeship. My dB's all done apprenticeship apprenticeship, are in their 20 and all have a trade and plenty money. I don't think he's going to be keen on staying in education full time.

Original poster

PinkPearDrops · 03/06/2014 10:37

Pleaseaffixstamps. He is not interested in anything I have to say, well I can say that he is kind of secretive, I've asked him why he doesn't want people to know it says because it's none of their business.

OP posts:

ILoveCoreyHaim · 03/06/2014 10:37

Bloody autocorrect

Original poster

PinkPearDrops · 03/06/2014 14:56

I have contacted the school only to be told that it isn't a good enough reason for him to be missing school, and if he doesn't go back soon they will no longer have a place for him.

OP posts:

pleaseaffixstamps · 03/06/2014 14:58

That ain't very pastoral-care-y of them! Did they offer anything at all? Support? A meeting with a staff member?

TwelveLeggedWalk · 03/06/2014 15:00

Can he defer and go back in September? I am sort of wondering if being Dad might not actually be the best thing for everyone right now. Not long term, but it's only a few weeks until the end of the school year.

InspirationFailed · 03/06/2014 15:01

Congratulations on the birth of your grandchild!

Could he go to college? Or do an evening course? I think it's pointless trying to force a 15 year old to go to school if he is adamant that he's not going to go, you can't drag him there or force him to stay unfortunately.

MrsMaturin · 03/06/2014 16:58

I wonder if perhaps contacting the LEA is going to be the most helpful thing? The school don't sound exactly helpful and he doesn't want to be there anyway. I think you need to find a way to continue his education not necessarily his schooling (at least there). I was quite shocked to read nobody knows about this outside the family. I feel very sorry for your son, he must feel lonely without peer support. However if he won't tell people, then he won't.
The other thing I would say is please, it's not enough for you to think he knows she can get pregnant even this early. You need to say this to him loud and clear - like my GP did, visiting dh and I after dd1 was born. We were 22 and 21 and she said ' I have two things to say, firstly it's good you have a functioning washing machine and secondly she's very lovely and wonderful but you don't need any more babies for a while. I see plenty of people already pregnant again at the 6 week check up and it's just very distressing for everybody' She was 100% right on both counts. There's nearly 3 years between my older two

OP - you're doing really well with this tough situation. He is lucky to have you and it's great that he wants to be the good parent your grandchild deserves. I suspect though that he is pretty overwhelmed with the reality and running away from school is how he's working that out. School is optional but education isn't. I think that's the line to take. Good luck!

Original poster

PinkPearDrops · 03/06/2014 18:57

MrsMaturin Thanks for that advice, he has come in this evening I've tried to speak to him again, but he claims he is tired. Sitting here feeling very powerless, actually blaming myself for not giving him the "sexual talk" baby was conceived when he was 14 years of age, which is very young for him and any teenager to be having sex.

OP posts:

MrsMaturin · 03/06/2014 20:53

Oh don't blame yourself. Some teens have sex - which is why sex ed starts in primary now. You can say everything and they will still have sex because that's what we're programmed to do and people will still make mistakes. The whole pregnancy things is such a mystery - so amazingly easy for some people to fall and so bloody hard for others. It's great that he's so engaged with the baby though. Just hang in there and try and work out what his options are. Have you got somebody to talk to in RL? This is a LOT to contend with. I think you need to confide in a friend or maybe talk to the other mum?

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