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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

My 15yo refusing school now baby has been born.

44 replies

PinkPearDrops · 03/06/2014 08:08

I have had to change my name for this one as I am a regular poster. I am going to keep things as short as possible, but feel free to ask questions.

My 15yo girlfriend gave birth to his child 3weeks ago, now he is refusing to go to school, I was gracious letting him have a whole week of when the baby was born, now he has told me 'I'm not going back to school I want to be with my son" and he is very adamant. Bearing in mind I didn't know he had a girlfriend or was even interested in girls until just over 3 months ago.

I feel powerless, I have told him that he needs to go to school and if I allow him not to I can get in a lot of trouble, but he just wont go he is leaving the house in the morning to go and visit his girlfriend and the baby and returning late evening. I have asked my EX Husband to speak to him, but he is just not interested.

Advice please, don't sorry I can deal with critism.

OP posts:

Original poster

PinkPearDrops · 03/06/2014 21:16

I have spoken to my mum about it, but there's nothing she can do or say in terms of making him going to school. This is just a shambles :(

OP posts:

MrsMaturin · 03/06/2014 21:28

No it's not a shambles, its just very hard right now. It will get better for you all. Try not to confront him too much. Nobody can MAKE him go to school. He's too big. It's all about finding something he will accept and embrace himself. I really do think a lot of it is tied up in this peer issue for him. I am really surprised he hasn't told his friends.

Artandco · 03/06/2014 21:35

Can you ask him to work out a plan of school/ baby?

Ie can he stay overnight with baby? So school 9-3, then sees baby 3pm- following morning?

I do think he should be allowed as much time as possible with baby if he wants. You need to explain how even if he was 40 he would have to leave baby a few hours to go to work. But overnight and eve he could help. It is his baby after all.

Is there somewhere all 3 of them can move in together? Either at gfs parents house or yours? Or they might even get housed once 16. ( gf might now with baby)

Original poster

PinkPearDrops · 03/06/2014 21:46

Artandco He is adamant not to go to school but I will suggest that to him tomorrow morning. Girlfriend is already 16 I don't think her mother would approve of him moving him with her and I don't think she'd let her come and live with us. Girlfriends father wants the three of them to go and visit him in Bejjing and that's another thing that I am worried about. Thanks everyone for listening to me.

OP posts:

MrsMaturin · 04/06/2014 07:53

See how you get on this morning. If no progress I would make 'school is not compulsory but education IS' your mantra and see where you can get with him looking at alternative options.

SquidgyMummy · 04/06/2014 08:01

Going completely against the grain here, but as mentioned up thread, why can't he just repeat the school year next year.
He is obviously a committed dad and is helping out his gf. He will not get the time again with his young son. let him enjoy it

MrsMaturin · 04/06/2014 08:06

The longer he stays out of education though the harder it is to get back in to it plus the OP has a legal duty to ensure he is being educated. It's very nearly a whole 1/2 term he would be missing.

ihaveadirtydog · 04/06/2014 08:17

I have no experience of teenagers but to me this calls for a 2 pronged attack of bonding & bribery!
Spend some time with him, gf and baby-coo over it, show excitement etc. this might help him want to share the news with a close friend.
Then all out bribery to get him to school for the next 6 weeks-agree to the Beijing trip on the condition he attends, put money in savings for baby or just cold hard cash for him.
Then he can have the whole summer with baby by which time the 'novelty' will have worn off a bit and might be more than ready to go back.

LIZS · 04/06/2014 08:19

He is obviously a committed dad and is helping out his gf Or he could be using this as an opportunity to opt out of education, boring routine and live a fantasy idyllic family life. I wonder how long before the novelty wears off or they fall out (tiredness, finances, lack of social life etc all take their toll).

Presumably he is in his first year of GCSE courses and she is missing her exams. He cannot afford to be out of school indefinitely and EWO will soon be on the case, as presumably they already are with his gf. She is not yet legally able to leave school and both will be need to be in some form of education/work/training for at least another year or two. Another option might be to start at a college offering courses for 14-16 yr olds in September but he really needs to be thinking about that now.

pleaseaffixstamps · 04/06/2014 08:35

Is he actually sharing care of the baby, or hanging around on the sofa for a cuddle while GF and her parents do the changing, washing, etc?

Original poster

PinkPearDrops · 04/06/2014 08:53

DS has told me this morning "he is a good baby he sleeps all the time, only wakes up for milk then goes back to sleep again" I wanted to say to him if that's the case why are you there for most of the day. Girlfriends mum works, pleaseaffixstamps he might just be going there just to be "friendly" with girlfriend, which isn't acceptable.

OP posts:

PiratePanda · 04/06/2014 09:02

My heart really goes out to you and your DS and his girlfriend. How difficult but also how wonderful for all of you - and congratulations on the baby and being a grandmother!

But - legally both of them now HAVE to be in education or training until they turn 18. It's not optional. Your DS's school sounds dreadful. I think you must talk to the LEA about alternatives and options.

LIZS · 04/06/2014 09:16

We are rather assuming you are in UK, specifically England. Beijing seems a long way away.

Original poster

PinkPearDrops · 04/06/2014 10:16

LIZS I live in London, DS girlfriend father lives in Beijing

OP posts:

LIZS · 04/06/2014 10:19

ah, just wasn't sure . We were all wading in with advice based on UK info just wanted to check it was relevant ! :) Don't think I'd want my child (and no matter what the situation he still is one legally) travelling half way around the world to a stranger, with or without the responsibility of a young baby.

Original poster

PinkPearDrops · 04/06/2014 10:34

LIZS Yes, this is why I need to stop him from going there every day

OP posts:

MissMilbanke · 04/06/2014 10:47

Very difficult. Your life has changed irreversibly in 3 months.

That aside, He has to now legally be in full time education or training till 18.

If he won't go back to his current school then he needs to look at other options. Maybe the LEA can help you with this if school obviously can't/won't.

Does he have any money of his own - how does he propose to get to China ? how is he going to support this son in the future ? I think he doesn't really have a clue - and what 15 year old would ?

Its early days atm but hopefully he will see the light and return.

All problems can be overcome… its just finding the best approach thats the hard bit.

JuliaScurr · 04/06/2014 10:58

youngdads.tv/2013/01/how-to-support-young-dads/

ask your local Sure Start centre

JuliaScurr · 04/06/2014 11:01

and also - congratulations on the lovely new baby

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