My son is 14 - is he too young for the sex education talk?

[shakethetree]

Ds is 14.5 and we think he has a girlfriend, we know it's nothing serious but I'm wondering if I should talk to him? I don't want to embarrass him ( or even worse encourage him ) but at the same time I want to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid. Would talking about pregnancy & sti's be too much at this age?

I agree - think its a bit late, I was having sex at 13 (yes me and DH have been together) that long and was pregnant two years later because we managed to sneak around his parents. Get it done already.

OP, bless you, you sound sweet although a bit naive! I work in sexual health with young people, and I can tell you without a doubt, there is every possibility that he is doing more than just kissing!

What you need to tell him:
-the condom is the ONLY way to protect against STIs and pregnancy. Even if she is using contraception, they should also always use a condom

-once he starts having sex, he should have regular sti screens every 6 months

-sti's can be passed on through oral sex, vaginal sex, anal sex, toy sharing, and mutual masturbation (touching self and touching her then touching self...)

-many sti's have no symptoms at all, Chlamydia is especially common, and usually has no symptoms, so one should test regularly for Chlamydia

-sexually transmitted infections and parasites can be treated and cured (chlamydia, public lice, crabs, gonnorhoea, syphillis)

-sexually transmitted diseases can be treated for symptoms, but cannot be cured, meaning that you will always carry the virus even though you may have periods without symptoms (warts, herpes, HIV)

-you need to use a condom for oral sex also, as STIs can be transmitted that way

-if you live in London he can sign up for a c-card and get free condoms up to the age of 25

-www.swish.org is a great website

Get on with it ASAP!

I want to add to what Grumpasaur said that HPV can be transmitted even with a condom, and suggest you have your DS vaccinated (the vaccine is not just for girls).

I'd say he should have been talked to long before now.

No parent should be giving their child 'the talk'...it should be something you teach them throughout their entire lives so that you can build upon information rather than expect them to take in everything at once.

I recommend this as a rough guide:

• Infancy and childhood: anatomy, hygiene, masturbation, consent.
• Pre-puberty: puberty, internal anatomy, how babies are made.
• Teens under 16: birth control, healthy relationships, pleasure, STD's.

At 14 years old your son may have already engaged in some sort of sexual activity, unless you're following him around everywhere he goes then you can't know for sure if he's sexually active or not. At very least you're looking at a boy only two years from the age of consent, who is very likely getting his sex education from his clueless peers. If he has a girlfriend he needs to know how to deal with peer pressure, about healthy relationships, how to respect the girl, and consent too.

As someone who works in sexual health I've got to tell you that 14 years old is really not too young in the slightest, in fact it's really shocking that you think he's too young. It's really not unusual for people younger than this to be sexually active or to have become victims of sexual abuse due to absence of sex education. It's not too late but please don't give him 'the talk' - he needs more than a half hour lecture, it's best to look for teaching moments instead, also get him some books so that if he's too embarrassed to listen to you he can educate himself.

Education does NOT mean encouragement - research clearly shows that the better educated kids are the less likely they are to have sex under-age or engage in risky behaviour. Knowing the risks and benefits of safe respectful consensual pleasurable sex encourages kids to aim for that.

Whoa, in response to an above message...

"What you need to tell him:
-the condom is the ONLY way to protect against STIs and pregnancy. Even if she is using contraception, they should also always use a condom"

Condoms are ONE way to protect against STI's and pregnancy, certainly they're the best option for young people, but giving young people false information or half truths like this is ultimately damaging.

I'd add that male condoms, female condoms, lubricants, dental dams, gloves, and regular STD screening are all important. It's also important to point out to young people that even virgins can get STD's, that some STD's/STI's are transmitted by means other than sexual activity, there is no reliable HPV test in men so a clear test doesn't mean someone is STD/STI free, and people cheat. Safer sex is about respecting yourself and your partner, and doesn't have to be a pain to practice.

what I find really interesting about all these replies is that everyone who had teenage sex assumes their children will do the same and that is a self perpetuating situation because rather than encourage your kids to wait until they are in a committed relaionship with someone they can see themselves being together with forever, you are sitting down with them aged 12/13/14 and saying 'be safe' be careful' etc.
My parents taught us clearly that sex was for within a committed relationship. My 3 brothers and I were all virgins when we married and all married virgins. We will teach our kids that that is the best way to maintain their emotional integrity and not go through life with all sorts of emotional baggage(not to mention sti's) from a string of sexual relationships. They may chose to ignore our advice but that would never ever stop me teaching them what I thought was best for them. I think people can be very judgemental on FB and am often a bit shocked and outraged at the replies people come out with but I guess it just reflects that we all have very different experiences of life.
Shakethetree you obviously need to keep an open dialogue between you and your kids and the earlier they know they can discuss stuff with you the better. My kids are 7,9 and 11 and they all know exactly how babies are made and know how their bodies will change with puberty but all our conversations about this are in the context of loving committed relationships and I think we do our kids a massive disservice if we teach them that sex is a recreational activity that they can have with just about anyone so long as a condom is used!!!

You are very remiss not to have already spoken to him in the least to explain the feelings he will be having around puberty.

It's important that kids understand why they are feeling as they are and that it is normal.

I don't understand why you think because he comes home at six and only goes out in the day on satursday she couldn't possibly be having sex!! My 14 year old friend at school used to go home at lunch time and have sex with her boyfriend. He can have sex in the daytime you know. On a Saturday, in a field, in a bus stop, at his mates house, anywhere and any time! Why are you so scared? It's just telling him what he needs to know. You are doing him a great disservice by not doing this. Do you want him to get a girl pregnant?!

Poor OP.

I teach sex ed to secondary school children in a very comprehensive school. By 14 there will be a real range in any class. However, for the most part at this age they have not had sex. They will be thinking about it and talking about it and lying about having had it but generally speaking not quite yet had it. Generally speaking, obviously.

The issue of teenage pregnancy is a red herring. In all my years of teaching teens sex ed I have met one young man who openly wanted to have a baby very early. He was terribly cute and earnest and immature and has, as yet not had a baby because he has unsurprisingly changed his mind. Almost no child does not have sex because they don't want a baby or vice versa, has sex because they want one. They have sex because they have real sexual urges, are drunk or don't know how to say no. They get pregnant or catch STIs because they are too drunk to discuss contraception, don't have any or don't know how or when to bring it up.

OP, your DS probably has not get had sex. We all bring up our children differently and, should your child be at a standard swcondary school, he will already have the 'facts'.

Sadly, my experience has taught me that facts alone does not help. They need to be armed with self-esteem also.

And having had sex once does not mean a child is 'broken' or is on a slippery slope.

Could you contact the school and ask what their course content covers? If they cover all the nitty gritty of STIs and so on you can talk about communication, respect and boundaries