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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

My son is 14 - is he too young for the sex education talk?

110 replies

shakethetree · 23/05/2014 13:24

Ds is 14.5 and we think he has a girlfriend, we know it's nothing serious but I'm wondering if I should talk to him? I don't want to embarrass him ( or even worse encourage him ) but at the same time I want to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid. Would talking about pregnancy & sti's be too much at this age?

OP posts:

calmet · 23/05/2014 14:25

He may not be having full sex. But as he has a girlfriend, I would be very surprised if they were not doing anything sexual together.

gamerchick · 23/05/2014 14:31

Yo really should have opened this line of communication a while ago but never mind. If he has a girlfriend then I would say you need to expand your mind rather than think that they aren't doing something.. hormones raging and a snog us all new and exciting feelings.

I knew my 14 yr old had experimented when he suddenly got all embarrassed if I was snuggling the husband when before he didn't care.. It was the same with my now adult daughter. You have to have that line of communication open so they can come to you.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 23/05/2014 14:36

OP don't get shirty - some good advice on here and hopefully it's shown you that this is an urgent matter for you now, so I hope you talk to your son ASAP.

'I think I know my own son' - I think this is one of the most dangerous assumptions with this subject and this age group. Do you know what? You don't. I can almost assure you of that. This is the age when they start to become their own people, if they haven't already, long before. And when it comes to sex and relationships - quite rightly - they are definitely their own people and you as a parent go from being the first to know to the first to be shut out. Don't kid yourself with that.

HavantGuard · 23/05/2014 14:43

Luckily schools teach SRE.

Original poster

shakethetree · 23/05/2014 14:48

Yes Bruno you're right. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have reacted badly - it just seems like 5 minutes ago he was 6 & now here I am talking to my little boy about things even I don't understand - it's hard.

But thank you all, I have taken everything you've said on board.

OP posts:

ouryve · 23/05/2014 14:49

Are you kidding?

gamerchick · 23/05/2014 14:52

It is hard and yes your arse sweats a bit but they are just thinking of their own cringing. It gets easier after you've first brought it up.

Good luck.

Foodylicious · 23/05/2014 14:56

I would mostly focus on letting him know he can come to you about anything to do with friendships and relationships.
Find out where your nearest sexual advice centre is and what they offer.
Tell him yiu are telling him now so he knows for the future and give him some condoms now, tell him he can put the information to the back of his mind, condoms to the back of a drawer for now.
let him know you understand its difficult to talk about &that it's something he and his girlfriend should only do when they are both ready.

do you know his girlfriend well? Have they been together long?

AbbeyBartlet · 23/05/2014 15:01

You say that even you don't understand some of it, OP?

And you really can't say that you know your son better than anyone - I knew a girl at school whose parents thought the same - they only realised that wasn't the case when she became pregnant just before her 14th birthday.

MissMilbanke · 23/05/2014 15:06

I have a 14 year old too.

I believe you when you say he is not having sex. Mine isn't either.

Some will say you are putting your head in the sand. Its not that at all. I think you do know your own son.

Its most likely nothing is going on. BUT you should really do the talk. They will have done something at school - unless you specifically opted out of this ? and mechanics will have been covered in biology.

Just let him know that he can ask you anything. Its important to them. If they see you being all coy and weird about things then they will clam up and that s when trouble can brew. You need to maintain a healthy open relationship even if you are cringing inside.

Good luck !

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie · 23/05/2014 15:14

You should probably sort out the bits you don't understand before you talk to him.

And what exactly don't you understand anyway? You've presumably had sex yourself?

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 23/05/2014 15:37

OP do you honestly think that your son knows nothing about sex???
And if he does that information has come from school, tv, his peers, internet , porn etc etc
Does that thought not make you a teeny tiny bit perturbed?

MexicanSpringtime · 23/05/2014 20:47

I know he hears things at school, & has since about yr 4 no doubt - but I know he isn't sexually active, I just know, & if he was I'd be horrified because at 14 he is too young for all the emotional fall out

I hope you are right, but you don't want to wait until he is sexually active to tell me, do you?

Imagine he gets a fourteen-year-old pregnant before you have your talk, imagine he gets HIV and has to take medicine for his entire life

You also have to talk about drugs too, you know. Intelligently. You don't want him innocently agreeing to take some drug because someone tells him it is harmless and he doesn't know any better.

redandchecker · 23/05/2014 20:54

I don't think my mum had any idea I was having sex at 13.
I told her at 13 as I didn't actually know what I was doing no one had spoken to me about axe and relationships and I would have never had sex so young if I had the talk earlier.
She would have never of guessed.
14 is too late. It doesn't matter if he is home by 6pm. Sex doesn't just happen after 6pm.

Coconutty · 23/05/2014 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SlowlorisIncognito · 23/05/2014 23:39

You may well be right and he is not having sex, but it is not really that simple. If he is 14 and has a girlfriend it is likely he is somewhere on the road towards having sex, even if he's just kissing at this stage. It would be a good idea to talk about the emotional side of things because that applies to all "sexual contact" even if he isn't have penis-in-vagina sex yet. Not doing anything until you're ready and not pressuring others into things applies to pretty much anything.

It's very likely he has already learnt about contraception at school, but it is a good idea to talk to him about this and see what he has covered and what he knows and doesn't know about contraception, stis and getting someone pregnant.

That said, I never really talked about sex/relationships with my parents. I was having sex by 15 (in a rural area without much else to do) but I don't think they would have known. Most of my early sexual experiences took place during the daytime.

MedusaIsHavingaBadHairday · 23/05/2014 23:49

Please have a chat :) Mine are fairly standard kids , ..went to an ordinary school, with ordinary, open minded, chatty parents, and mine all had their first sexual experience at 15 (one told me, the others didn't)..and I think that is fairly average these days! The only one who hasn't had sex at 17 is autistic with learning difficulties and the understanding of a 6 yr old!

I'd assume he knows the basics.. but a chat about relationships, treating each other with respect and knowing that both she and HE can say no... is a good idea. And that it isn't a race to lose their virginity! Plus knowing that condoms are vital even if he (at some stage) has g'friend on the pill..

I'm lucky in that my children have always been quite open with me (the sunday dinner conversation about 'lube' was a revelation to me at least!) But I have always emphasised that sex is more than a physical encounter and that they really really need to think about what they are doing!

Fairenuff · 23/05/2014 23:50

Presumably he does know how babies are made?

Most children and teenagers become incredibly confused about sexual matters, misinformed by rumour, gossip and the portrayal of sex through porn.

There is so much for them to learn when you think about it - physical and emotional - which is why it is best to talk openly with them for years before they become sexual.

I think your priority should be sexual health and contraception (just in case this is needed). Buy some condoms and let him know you are willing to answer all his questions, or help find answers for him.

Maryz · 25/05/2014 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littlegreengloworm · 25/05/2014 22:59

Hi op

School will have covered a lot of this so try not to worry that it's too late. I would buy some good sex ed books but also talk to him- a lot.

Be open with him. 14 is young but I think it's possible he may be active soon

weatherall · 25/05/2014 23:12

Op when you day you don't understand it what do you mean?

Original poster

shakethetree · 26/05/2014 12:21

Hi all - sorry I haven't been back to this thread for a few days but have just read all your replies & I'm really grateful for your input.

I still haven't plucked up the courage to talk to ds [wimp]

However, the girlfriend is also 14 & goes to the neighbouring girls school, apparently they met on the bus - I say apparently because I found this out from a friend of the family who goes to the same school as her ) also, he has started to take an interest in his hair & clothes which he never did before, plus his phone never leaves his side. I still don't believe he's done anything more than maybe kissed her as he never really goes out ( apart from Saturdays during the day ) but I will talk to him.

& when I said there are things even I don't understand, by that I meant how sexually transmitted infections are passed on, I wasn't aware you can get a sti from oral sex? ( even HIV ) I did some research on the internet & I'm shocked. But then I am in my 40's & obviously out of touch.

OP posts:

murphys · 26/05/2014 12:35

OP I didn't read through all the replies. Yes I would be alarmed too if my 14 year old was having sex, because I know him and I know that he isn't ready. But I know of other 14 year olds who are. And I would know he was as we have a very open relationship. If he has never asked you about sex before, I doubt that he is going to. So yes, you will have to bring it up and try to be as open as possible. So you will have to cover things like using condoms, sti's, masturbation (which I'm pretty sure he will have experimented with) porn etc. Surely they have covered it at school though, but he also needs to know about the girls side of things too, why we have periods and all that.

Hakluyt · 26/05/2014 12:39

You're starting 10 years too late- but there's nothing you can do about that.
Do it NOW!

You will probably find that most stuff's been covered in school anyway.

Meglet · 26/05/2014 12:43

You should have started talking about this 10yrs ago. By the time they start senior school kids should be armed with this knowledge.

Whatever he's learnt from school and his mates won't be nearly enough, or even accurate.

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