My son is 14 - is he too young for the sex education talk?

[shakethetree]

Ds is 14.5 and we think he has a girlfriend, we know it's nothing serious but I'm wondering if I should talk to him? I don't want to embarrass him ( or even worse encourage him ) but at the same time I want to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid. Would talking about pregnancy & sti's be too much at this age?

At 14yo, he is likely to have had proper sex ed at school (hopefully of a good quality). He will also have heard stuff in the playground. He is also likely to have seen pornogrpahy and shared it with his friends.

When you do decide to have the talk (please make it soon) you must take the time to listen to him and understand what he already thinks he knows. And try and undo some of his misapprehensions.

You have left it very late and instead of building his understanding of sexual relationships on a solid foundation of your own families morality and expectations, his understanding will already be built on a rather wobblier foundation of gossip, education and porn. You have a lot of work to make sure you underpin his knowledge with clear information about emotions, safety and reality.

There is some very good advice on parentchannel.tv on how to talk to your children about sex.

Thank you for the link MrsCakes.

Dream girls- you tell her teen pg is. "Wrong"

That's a strange phrasing to use.

It's quite judgemental.

There's nothing immoral about teenage sex or pregnancy it just has poorer health and well being outcomes and doesn't fit in with our social customers of long education and lack of childcare.

I don't think bringing morality into it and encouraging teenagers to be judgemental of others is good parenting,

I don't want to worry you but my mum (who knew me very very well) would probably be adamant that I lost my virginity at 15 to my first long term boyfriend. Little does she know what I got up to from 12 upwards :( and I wasnt the only one I know of who was getting involved in sexual practices from that age.

It's better to guide with tolerance and acceptance than to alienate, or to push the issue under the carpet with forced morality.

Good luck op. at least give him some condoms, or leave them in the bathroom where he can see them.

Teen pregnancy is not immoral but it is a very poor choice ( in my opinion)
It is not something I would encourage for my daughters. I want there to be no regrets when they have their children.
I understand what dream girls is saying.

OP - if you're finding it tricky to find the right moment and have 'the talk' then why not get a book that you could leave on his desk/bed or even just give to him and then ask if he's got any questions about the stuff in there to ask you. There's lots of books out there but I've heard good things about the one by Christian Jessen - the doctor bloke that does the embarrassing bodies programmes on tv.

Times when it is good to have tricky conversations if they dont happen spontaneously can be when there's something else mundane happening at the same where you're not looking at each other - in the car (albeit not somewhere that's tricky to drive where you need extra concentration!) or doing the washing up (again, not with the best crystal or crockery ) together. There's also a pre determined end to the trip/washing up so you know it's going to be over soon.

The other Thing you need to talk to your ds about if he carries his phone around with him obsessively is the dangers of sexting and taking compromising selfies/pix of each other. Once they are sent to someone else he has no control over them and who will see them. If he has an argument with his gf then despite saying that she'll never show them to anyone she might change her mind (or vice versa) which could cause all sorts of problems later on. And things like Snapchat although it says that pictures and chats disappear - they don't not least as somebody can take a picture of the screen with an ordinary camera.

There's also the grey area of the fact that technically these type of photos are child porn which means that having them on his phone or pc or sending them around is technically having or distributing child porn. I went to a talk about online safety to kids and it's something they raised - not sure there have been any prosecutions yet but there's the potential for it (and of course it could have changed since I went to the talk 18 months ago)

(I've just realised I started this over an hour ago but got waylaid by breakfast and sorting kids out so apologies if I've xposted and the thread has moved on; on phone so don't want to lose post!)

Hi OP. If it makes you feel better, my DM NEVER talked to me about sex. And still didn't even after taking me for my abortion, age 17.

Good luck with you DS.

I don't think that education is the same as encouraging children to have sex. Quite the opposite. Forewarned is forearmed.

Especially if he's emotionally young, you need to talk about peer pressure to have sex, the fact that many kids boasting about having it will be lying (but don't tell them!), and that sex as a young teenager is generally not amazing. And getting courage from alcohol to try sex is generally a disaster as people may make bad decisions, like not bothering with contraception.

And dispel any myths he may have heard like girls can't get pregnant the first time, herpes and genital warts aren't a problem wherever you live, pictures can be deleted off other people's Facebook's...

Just because he isn't emotionally very mature doesn't mean that he won't have the physical urges and feelings that could lead to him and his girlfriend getting carried away.

Definitely have a chat, even if it's just giving him a good book to look at and encouraging him to come to you with any questions. Although it'd definitely be worth mentioning respecting his girlfriend, not doing anything until they are both ready and contraception, some places do schemes where young people can get free condoms so maybe find out if there's something like that in your area and make sure he knows about it (not suggesting that he will have sex any time soon but it's better that he knows where he can get condoms when he does need them, whether it's weeks or years away). And make sure that he knows that pregnancy and stis can occur the first time you have sex.

I would ask him what he covered in pshe at school. Has he done the sex ed and how far. I didn't tell my son anything but when were alone talk what's been discussed/taught. Your always there then with an open door. I did joke with him that his urges don't work until you get married. You ds knows more than you'd think!.x??

If you're completely sure he isn't sexually active you don't HAVE to talk about pregnancy and STI's with him yet.

(My 14YO did nothing more physical with her 14YO BF than hold hands, hug and do piggyback rides and old-fashioned 'horse-play' - feats of strength etc) It wouldn't have been appropriate and DD would have thought I must have a false impression of her/not trust her or something.

The next Bf she had when she was 15 was a different story though.

There's a very good website for 15+ YOs who are in relationships and/or sexually active called 'Scarleteen' by the way. I learnt loads from it recently

OP, you've been having a hard time on here.

Look, everyone's got a story about teen pregnancy etc. But contrary to popular belief, not ALL teens are at it like rabbits. 14 IS very young to be having sex, firstly it's illegal and secondly, sex is for loving, committed relationships not something that's done for fun or taken lightly. The stance I take is that sex is an important, natural part of a loving relationship but there is a time and place.

I would definitely include the moral aspect in the discussion, I'm afraid I'm a bit judgy of parents who simply give their dc the facts without any deeper discussion.

I think it's a bit disrespectful of the OP to suggest that she doesn't know her own child. I love the way that people assume all teens are the same as their own experiences. Out of my dd's friends, some are very much into boys and have had boyfriends, others (like my dd) aren't yet interested. They're all different.

yes I think you need to have conversation esp if he has a girlfriend..He may not be sexually active yet but you need to start an open line of communication so he can come to you about this.

Am I right assuming you are a LP as no Dad is mentioned in post. It is even more important he has someone he can talk to about this stuff.

You can't possibly know for sure he's not having sex. Unless you are with him 24/7. They do find time in school time I'm afraid. Where there's a will there's a way

And dance girl that's lovely and the way it should be but sadly it's not. I am a mum of grown sons. One is 29 with his own son. My other son is 26 with 2 sons of his own. My daughter is 18 with no children. I had the sex talk with them all and I'm very lucky in having a close relationship with them all and took them to family planning myself. So I knew what was going on. But my sons friends who stayed here most weekends and I still see my adoptive sons I call them and my daughters friends talk to me and I can tell you under age sex is going on a lot They don't think of the emotional side if they are ready or not. Or if it's illegal. So talk talk talk. Be open and honest and easy to approach even if your dying inside

My friends mum who has a very close relationship with her dd is still convinced bless her that her dd lost her virginity to her virginity at 16 to her young term boyfriend not at thirteen In school.

At nearly 15 he already knows plenty even if he's not doing bi imagine. Thankfully this kind of thing is taught in schools so some poor kid isn't left in the dark til the end if their teenage years.

Long term !!

You know OP there's another thread on here where a young lad has got his GF pregnant. They had no idea she even existed. Just shows what can happen when people think they know everything about their child.

You need to do far more than tell him 'the facts' and hope for the best.

If you don't want him having sex for the foreseeable future then tell him why. Go into excruciating detail about not only the responsibilities of fathers and how this would put t huge crimp in his lifestyle, but impress upon him that boys who care about their teen girlfriends DO NOT get them pregnant and tell him why. The educational and financial outcomes for teenage girls who have babies are not good.

You need to invite the girlfriend to your house and get to know her, and get to know her family too.

I have just been reading that thread myself, Ifpigs.

Don't take anything for granted, OP.

Don't imagine your DS will form the conclusions you hope he will from your talk either, unless you are completely explicit with him about both facts and values. If you are not explicit with teens they are not automatically going to get the message you want to impart.

Evidence suggests that telling children at a very young age about sex and nature, when they enquire "where do babies come from?" is healthier way with dealing with "the talk". The evidence suggests that children who already know about it, are far less likely to do it, and far less likely to get pregnant (if female anatomy). At 14.5, you're child will already know about (at 9 he would already know) except, he's going to have misguided and wrong information about sex, and if something goes pear-shaped, and a girl friend of his gets pregnant, it's your fault because you didn't inform him sooner. What ever you say now will go in one ear and out the other.

Shakethetree how do you know he's not having sex? I use to have sex on my lunch break! I was 14 my boyfriend lived near my school his parents worked! Teenagers will find a way! He could be coming home by 6pm as girlfriend has to be home early?

Give him condoms and tell him if he needs more to txt you/leave you a note and you will get more ( to avoid it being mega cringe for you both)

Most 14 year old boys will have watched some porn that would make the hair on the back of my neck stand up, but he needs to know about having SAFE sex and how important it is.