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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

My son is 14 - is he too young for the sex education talk?

110 replies

shakethetree · 23/05/2014 13:24

Ds is 14.5 and we think he has a girlfriend, we know it's nothing serious but I'm wondering if I should talk to him? I don't want to embarrass him ( or even worse encourage him ) but at the same time I want to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid. Would talking about pregnancy & sti's be too much at this age?

OP posts:

MimsyBorogroves · 23/05/2014 13:46

Er, you know that even if he's home by 6pm he's still able to have sex, right?

Watershed is only on TV, not real life.

winnertakesitall · 23/05/2014 13:47

Shakethetree... do you live in the UK? If so, you must be living in some sort of parallel universe. He may well not be having sex, but equally he is around the age that some young people start becoming sexually active. You think he has a girlfriend... and he stays out 'til 6pm. How do you know that some of this free time isn't being spent with her? I too think that this may be a wind up.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 23/05/2014 13:47

This is one of the myths that winds me up. It shouldn't be 'a talk' - it should be a conversation that's open and ongoing. Sex & relationships is difficult and complicated - you can't skip through it in a half hour chat.

I started the conversation with my DS over a year ago. He's in reception. Obviously age appropriate.

Original poster

shakethetree · 23/05/2014 13:47

I think I know my own son, & I also know that age isn't the only factor - it's 'age & stage' - some 14 year olds are very mature & some aren't.

OP posts:

karalime · 23/05/2014 13:50

So you're saying you have not spoken to him about sex at all. Your almost 15 year old son has had absolutely no parental input regarding his sexual and reproductive health and you have no idea what he might have learnt at school already. When exactly were you planning on raising the subject? It's no good waiting until he brings someone home!

Impatientismymiddlename · 23/05/2014 13:51

If he is an immature 14 year old who hasn't had conversations with his parents about sex then you should be even more worried.

Original poster

shakethetree · 23/05/2014 13:53

Well I didn't think my son who's only a year and a half into his teenage years was supposed to sexual active.

Wish I'd never asked for advice.

OP posts:

bigTillyMint · 23/05/2014 13:54

So he's in Y10 and you think he doesn't know anything about sex?

Well I hope they did Sex Ed at Primary school, then at least he will know the basics. No matter how immature you think he is, he needs to know all about it. And contraception.

14 is young for having sex, but some 14year olds are sexually active. And even if they are not, they still need to know as much about it and contraception as possible.

MollyBdenum · 23/05/2014 13:54

If he has a girlfriend, he needs to know about sec and contraception and consent and relationship and sexual etiquette and all that sort of thing.

I'd be pretty pissed off if my daughter dated a boy whose parents hadn't taught him how to be responsible in sexual relationships.

ThreeLannistersOneTargaryen · 23/05/2014 13:56

By 14, he will have found out a lot of information about this already. Hopefully most of it was accurate.

I have a 14 y old son. We started giving him information about sex & relationships when he was seven. Rather than one 'talk', we keep the lines of communication open. I have always given him the message that he can ask any question, I will not be embarrassed or shocked.

Most recent questions have been:
What does the word 'foreplay' mean?
What does the word 'lube' mean?
My friends at school say that you can't get HIV until you've had sex more than ten times; is this true?

Pregnantberry · 23/05/2014 13:56

I don't think that this is a wind up, I know that it is the done thing on MN but some parents NEVER talk to their kids about sex.

I agree with you OP that you will know your son well and have a good idea if he will be having sex. If varies depending on peer groups how early kids have sex I think - for example, I did my GCSE's quite a rural school full of sheltered types and losing your virginity before 16 was unusual - I moved to an inner city sixth form and the opposite was true.

However, you can never really know for sure, can you? I agree with others that talking about sex should start earlier for this reason and I, personally, would have wanted to start before 14, but I think as long as you talk to him now that's them main thing.

bigTillyMint · 23/05/2014 13:57

I agree, many Y10 boys will not be having sex, or wanting to yet. But it doesn't mean that they aren't talking about it or hearing others talk about it and getting all sorts of confused messages. You need to be sure that he is learning the true facts and about the importance of positive relationships too...

Original poster

shakethetree · 23/05/2014 13:57

He isn't in yr 10 he's in yr 9.

OP posts:

Smartiepants79 · 23/05/2014 13:59

14 is very young and I would be horrified if my DC started that young.
However it's naive in the extreme to have not considered it to be quite possible.
I'm sure you know your son but I'd be surprised if he doesn't already know much of what you're going to tell him!
This should definitely have already been covered at school.
Do it now, as soon as possible.

ecuse · 23/05/2014 14:00

OP - do you think your parents knew when you were having sex? In answer to your original question - no, not too young. I think 'The Talk' is a very good idea right about now...

winnertakesitall · 23/05/2014 14:01

Also, if you're talking to him about this he will be getting good advice as opposed to mis-information from his peers. What's the worst that can happen, he (or you are) a bit embarrassed but knows that you're supportive? Please start this communication, and then hopefully he will come to you if he ever needs advice/support in the future.

He may not be sexually active now, but he will be one day, and some of his peers will be now.

bigTillyMint · 23/05/2014 14:01

OK, but IMHE, even Y8's and 9's know loads.

Do you live inner-city or rurally?

karalime · 23/05/2014 14:05

OP it is not about whether your son should or shouldn't be having sex yet. It's about giving your child basic information about their own bodies.

You may think he is all innocent but I promise you he will know about sex and he will know about porn from his school mates and older kids. In primary school we knew about sex fgs. Please talk to him now and make sure he learns the facts and not school hearsay.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 23/05/2014 14:07

LOL at rural kids being more sheltered when it comes to sex. Quite the opposite IME. Many kids at my school were sexually active at 13/14.

Which is why you can't assume anything.

calmet · 23/05/2014 14:08

And talk to him about porn. Even kids who have no access it, have often seen it on a friends smartphone. And we are often talking hard core porn here.

calmet · 23/05/2014 14:09

In rural areas even very young kids have seen farm animals having sex with each other. They often know more at a younger age.

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 23/05/2014 14:11

You son may not be having sex but he sure as hell must know all about it by now! If not from you, certainly from friends, school, internet.

I gave ds1 a book this year and we had a chat after I watched that very scary programme about children and access to porn that was on Channel 4. He's 11 in Year 6!

peggyundercrackers · 23/05/2014 14:13

I don't think 14 is particularly young for having sex - I wouldn't be happy if it was my DD at that age but then I would be a hypocrite because I was having sex at that age myself - we didn't get any talk from our parents at all.

I do think its worth it although I guess its a little late. He will no doubt already know a lot of information about sex but a lot of it wont be very accurate information as it will have been gained from his peers and the internet.

Original poster

shakethetree · 23/05/2014 14:16

I know he hears things at school, & has since about yr 4 no doubt - but I know he isn't sexually active, I just know, & if he was I'd be horrified because at 14 he is too young for all the emotional fall out.

But I will talk to him about the facts, & I just hope he leaves it for another couple of years until he's gained a bit more emotional maturity.

Thanks all.

OP posts:

Freckletoes · 23/05/2014 14:18

I can understand OP about you thinking he shouldn't be having sex at his age and I agree. He also probably isn't. But he will know an awful lot about it by now even if you haven't talked to him. I do think you have left it late. We, like others, have had an open, evolving situation with our kids-they knew a lot through animals from a young age. Our 10 yr old knows more than I probably did at 16! Have a chat, don't throw condoms at him-I think that gives kids the idea that you think he should be having sex already, just try and be open and supportive while educating.

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