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Teenagers

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Original poster

I'm terrified for dd (13) who is becoming a bully's sidekick

148 replies

Notmyidea · 23/05/2014 01:43

Dd always used to be a bright, lovely girl. She is currently excluded from school (part of today and tomorrow, allowed back after half term) for helping to beat up a girl in her year with special needs. I am beyond ashamed. There is a ringleader, and I think there is a bit of "if I don't join in she'll turn on me" going on.
Naturally that is no excuse.

I have let her know how upset and angry we are, and added our own punishment to schools.

Anyone dealt with this? How to I help her remove herself from other bully's influence?

OP posts:
Sixweekstowait · 23/05/2014 02:14

What is the school doing apart from this exclusion? If it were my daughter, I would want to meet with the appropriate member of staff to discuss how you can work together to make sure this doesn't happen again and to make it clear how ashamed you are. I would also want to know how the school is getting the message across to all the pupils about why this behaviour was so incredibly unkind and unacceptable. I also hope your punishment is really really tough - but that it is also backed up with lots of discussions with your dd about the whys not just you shouldnts

Original poster
Notmyidea · 23/05/2014 02:28

We have to go to a "reintegration meeting" before she's allowed back. Is there anything I should ask the school for at that? I don't know that they are "doing" anything else but could be wrong.

I have talked to dd about why not. She keeps going on about how annoying and out of order the victim was. (she has asd, and yes, she can be annoying and socially inept, that doesn't mean you can give her a kicking for goodness sake!)

I've removed access to internet and phone and grounded her for half term. Will pack her off to the gps for a few days to give us a break. They will insist she's useful and not indulged.

I have lying awake having visions of myself walking her to school handcuffed to ds's pram to stop her associating with alpha thugette when they go back. What can I really do?

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Sixweekstowait · 23/05/2014 02:38

I think it's good that there is a meeting arranged by the school. I would be asking what steps the school is taking to protect the attacked girl ( and other bullied pupils). Ask how they discuss bullying issues in school. Also can any steps be put in place to separate your daughter and the other bully so they can't feed off each other? I think it's important for your dd that you don't say anything that suggests she was 'led astray'. At 13 she has to take responsibility for her own actions and choices. Being really tough and uncompromising now could save her from a criminal record later. Hope the gps don't go soft on her - I would rather keep her at home with me so I was sure that she was having a really really miserable half term

Original poster
Notmyidea · 23/05/2014 02:52

I think that I trust the gps more than myself. I have two other kids including a one year old who still wakes up twice a night. I'll get worn down and will be glad of some help keeping her busy-but-not-entertained. It will also keep her over 100 miles from her associates!

I agree that she wasn't led astray, but I do think her choices were motivated by fear of being a victim if she didn't.

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Sixweekstowait · 23/05/2014 03:04

Your last point shows why it's important that the school has some strategies in place and somehow gets across to the pupils that if they are scared of another pupil that there is someone designated in the school for them to go to. Your dd needs school support as well as censure - the school should be asking itself why she didn't feel able to discuss her fears with them ( and not just you) . But you poor thing - a one year old as well? Good luck and hope the school us helpful when you go to the meeting

adeucalione · 23/05/2014 09:02

The most worrying thing for me is that your DD is still trying to justify her actions and blame the victim. In the absence of a genuine apology or attempt at atonement, I am not sure that punishment will work in the long term.

I am sure that you have already talked to your DD about empathy, and appropriate responses to difficult situations, but I think this may be a long process. Would her grandparents be willing to talk to her about their disappointment? Could you make up a story about how you were once bullied and how it made you feel?

I think that any conversation with school should be about how supportive you are of their sanctions, how you can help DD at home, and about how they will implement their bullying policy to ensure it doesn't happen again. I would also avoid blaming DD's friend, but ask if they can be seated apart in lessons while you get to grips with the situation.

Mrsjayy · 23/05/2014 10:58

Poor you I would keep in contact with schoo, reiterate to your daughter you dont beat up disabled children or anybody because they annoy you I know she is your child but please dont concern yourself with the other thugette as you called her your dd took part she is responsiblle dont buy into being led astray thiing

VivaLeBeaver · 23/05/2014 11:08

Does she realise she's lucky that the other parents haven't gone to the police and pressed charges for assault? I would have done. She's over the age of criminal responsibility and if it happens again the parents may not be so understanding a second time.

VivaLeBeaver · 23/05/2014 11:11

And though there may be a ringleader I think you're minimising it a bit by calling her a sidekick. If your dd has beaten someone up then she's a bully.

But you're taking it seriously and grounding her, etc. which is good. Hopefully she will get the message. Can you stop her seeing the other bully out of school on a long term basis?

Mrsjayy · 23/05/2014 11:31

I wouldnt allow her any contqct with this other girl too I know this is hard but your daughter is equal in this I agree with viva I

Mrsjayy · 23/05/2014 11:38

I am not sure how the meeting will work but if you think your dd is scared of this girl then you have to get them to support that would they maybe allow a parents meeting so the other parents of the girl who was beatenknows you are taking it seriously

Original poster
Notmyidea · 23/05/2014 12:44

Have done the age of criminal responsibility talk a few times, repeated yesterday.
Dd and victim have been in the same class since reception and coped fine. Dd may drive me crazy but her behaviour at school has previously been exemplary. Other bully moved to the area for the start of year eight and has made quite an impact. I'm horrified and determined to deal with this, not minimizing it, just analysing the situation.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 23/05/2014 12:51

I dont think posters think you are minimising the situation just people are commenting on your dd being responsible for her own actions regardless of this other girls influence iyswim. It must be really difficult for you knowing your dd is capable of this no parent wants to think of their children being nasty or violent

TropicalHorse · 23/05/2014 13:11

I have just finished reading Nurtureshock by Po Bronson which has some interesting (to me) insights about aggression in children. Basically, bullying is linked to popularity, and it's not the "bad" kids who are the usual perpetrators. I wonder if some counselling with a focus on prosocial skills and altruism might help your DD to find the inner strength to negotiate the complex social situation that has created this nasty incident. Sorry to hear of your troubles. x

Original poster
Notmyidea · 23/05/2014 13:12

I think dd knows her behaviour was wrong. I think she's angry that the victim's behaviour wasn't okay either. (she was having an argument with "the ringleader" and damaging some of her possessions. Ringleader then expected her posse to step in and help. Girls who got physical have (rightly) been disciplined, in their eyes the victim has got away with something.

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Original poster
Notmyidea · 23/05/2014 13:17

I'll have a look at Nurtureshock, thanks for the tip.

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BeggingYouForBirdseed · 23/05/2014 13:23

Wow your daughter needs to take full responsibility for her own actions. I would come down on her like a ton of bricks. She may be hanging around with the wrong crowd but that is no excuse for what she did. I suggest you prevent her from socialising with the other bully (IMO they are both bullies) as much as you can outside of school, and see if the school can possibly sesperate them. I feel so sorry for that poor girl, with asd school is difficult enough without being beaten up!

sewingandcakes · 23/05/2014 13:42

I'd also wonder whether the school are putting enough support in place for the girl with ASD.

pilates · 23/05/2014 19:44

I am not hearing any remorse from your DD which would worry me the most. She needs to learn there are always consequences to our actions. Not sure how you will be able to keep your DD away from the other girl.

NickiFury · 23/05/2014 19:51

I don't think she sounds like a "side kick" at all, she sounds equally involved and fully aware and I think you shouldn't be too quick to minimise it by referring to her as such.

I have a dd with ASD and if your dd had attacked her because she was "annoying" I would leave no stone unturned in ensuring that your dd and her mates paid for it, police, charges the lot.

You may be ashamed and punishing her but I don't think you are fully acknowledging your dd's role in it by referring to her as the REAL bully's sidekick. She isn't, she's a nasty bully all in her own right, sorry if that upsets you but it's true.

I have

NickiFury · 23/05/2014 20:03

Oh and the fact that your dd and her bully mates think the girl with ASD "has got away with it" makes me sad beyond belief. I have TWO dc with ASD, every day life is a challenge for them that your dd and her nasty mates can never begin to comprehend. Just the usual ignorance towards ASD shown here though I am glad the school seem to be showing some more understanding to how this poor girl must have felt.

I would suggest you sort out some volunteer work with people with autism if you possibly can that might make her realise how absolutely awful her behaviour has been, if not that then perhaps a visit to the National Autism Society website.

Corygal · 23/05/2014 20:14

You must be mortified. Beating up on the school SEN kid ranks about the same as Stuart Hall's behaviour at the moment - I'm with the others, saying you need to come down on DD terribly hard. I'm afraid this is quite a big deal, and it risks getting bigger unless you do our best with DD to end further risk.

A gang beating isn't acceptable, let alone under the circs. DD is 13 not 3 - extreme youth is no excuse.

She needs to show remorse, longterm. Ban contact with the leader of the pack. For a start. Then every privilege removed, and talk to the school about what their plans are for her. I would be thinking about moving schools. I would not listen too hard to the 'sidekick' argument - she has to take responsibility. OTOH, I would be reasonable and point out ASD sufferers can be maddeningly irritating, as indeed are most people occasionally, and retrain her about responding to provocation.

Perfectlypurple · 23/05/2014 20:19

The other girl didn't get away with it - she got a kicking.

MexicanSpringtime · 23/05/2014 20:29

Yes, I am afraid it is going to take a lot of work for your daughter to learn empathy. I'm totally in favor of punishment but feel that this a much more serious problem, she needs to learn to use her imagination to walk in other people's shoes

Waltermittythesequel · 23/05/2014 20:35

Jesus Christ, she didn't get away with it she got physically attacked by, what I would assume if I were her parents, were a bunch of scrotes.

If I were that child's parents I would be causing hell and high water to make sure these horrible children never set foot back inside the same school as her again.

Your dd is disgusting.