I'm terrified for dd (13) who is becoming a bully's sidekick

[Notmyidea]

Dd always used to be a bright, lovely girl. She is currently excluded from school (part of today and tomorrow, allowed back after half term) for helping to beat up a girl in her year with special needs. I am beyond ashamed. There is a ringleader, and I think there is a bit of "if I don't join in she'll turn on me" going on.
Naturally that is no excuse.

I have let her know how upset and angry we are, and added our own punishment to schools.

Anyone dealt with this? How to I help her remove herself from other bully's influence?

I understand n one wants to think of their kid being capable of doing something so horrible but you are really minimising her behaviour.

She wouldn't have a mattress in her room if she was mine, Im not exaggerating how furious I would be.

If it was my child, you would be getting a visit from the cops right now

is that all the punishment?
christ mine got more than that for leaving the premises and smoking a fag.

and no she is not 'becoming a bullys sidekick' she is a bully face it

and no she is not 'becoming a bullys sidekick' she is a bully face it

YY

Oh lor how terrible. I can see this from both sides because my DS has an autism-spectrum condition and has been bullied and he has at times been involved in bullying other children himself. You must feel totally mortified! But try to put that aside, and also put aside the focus on why she did it for the time being. To start off with you just have to help your DD to deal appropriately with what she did.

When my DS does something dreadful I don’t just take things away, I also insist he does something positive for other people to make up for his antisocial behaviour. You could insist that your DD takes on some heavy chores at home. She could also do something positive for other people with ASCs – raise money for an ASC charity perhaps. And she needs to do whatever she can to make things better for the girl she has hurt, too. She should at least offer a full personal apology, in person and in writing. Can you contact her parents to arrange it? Or ask the school to contact them for you? Of course it’s up to the girl if she wants to face your DD, she may not. If she does give your DD a chance to apologise then she would be doing your DD a favour.

Oh, and if your DD asks “why should I” try telling her the exactly same thing I told my DS when he was seven and had to apologise (etc) for seriously hurting another kid who annoyed him: “because you are a good boy and it is the right thing to do”. Your DD may be older and more able but sometimes it really is as simple as that.

Wishing you well OP, it's a tough situation to have to handle.

waltermitty that's helpful

OP-you sound as though you want to make a difference. Come down hard on your dd, it really isn't acceptable in any way, shape or form. And yes, she doesn't sound as though she is the 'side kick' you are excusing her for.

Kleinzeit, thank-you, that's really helpful. Their victim's mum rang me this evening, actually. (we've known them for years) so dd has had the opportunity to apologize, which she's taken. Apparently her dd has had a miserable, lonely day at school and has been worried that she got everyone into trouble and could we get them together sometime this holiday to try to build a few bridges.

The victim is blaming herself I see. Poor poor girl

I notice you don't address anyone who points out your own dd is in fact a bully in her own right.

I'm beginning to see where your dd gets her lack of responsibility from.

As a mother of a asd child in mainstream school I would be demanding every child involved removed from school. I cannot believe you are allowing that poor child to blame herself for your "d" d disgraceful actions. SHe is a bully of the worst kind not a sidekick and isn't even really sorry for what she has done. I am so angry on behalf of the asd girl and her parents and you are making excuses for a disgusting excuse for a Human being.

I have been ignoring a great deal of outraged frothing which has lacks any constructive content, yes. I think you'll find I used the phrase "other bully" myself in the op.

Dd most certainly is remorseful and taking a long, hard look at her behaviour. I'm her mother and as such I'm looking for ways to help her move forward. To those who have offered constructive comments, my sincere thanks.

Bullies dont have sidekicks.
They are just other bullies.
You clearly haven't accepted your dd is one, despite your protests on here.
If she was my dd she would be grounded til the end of summer term.
I would also, if I were the mother of the child who was physically assaulted, want the perpetrators permanently excluded, but I see that, as a lot of kids with sn, the child is blaming herself.
How very sad :(

You to getting the police to give her a talking to.
Disability hate crime is a very real and serious thing and sadly on the rise.
Please stop blaming another child for your child's behaviour.
She is old enough (year 8?) to know right from wrong.
Or not, as it would seem.

Your DD needs to be permanently excluded. If my child were the one beaten up this is what would have happened:

1. Police involvement in relation to assault
2. Meeting with school where they justify allowing your daughter anywhere near mind ever again and set out action plan to control your dd and minimise harm to mine.
3. School to accept responsibility for any further violence if one finger laid on my dd ever again.
4. Complaint to governors in relation to 1.5 day temporary exclusion for violent assault in relation to my dd. I would expect at least two weeks and some time in a pru.

FFS your daughter has beaten up another human being with a disability and you are facilitating her excuses.

ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING. Your child has no place in mainstream school being educated alongside decent children.

I do think you need to lead by example and not think that the girl who was attacked was being annoying (ie it was justified) and your dd was led astray. You will pass this on to your dd.

Be very adamant it was wrong, serious and punishable.

You may have used the term "other bully" in your OP, but your title and main focus is how your lovely dd is being influenced by main alpha bully.

Then in another post you throw in "we've known them for years, so we will get them together to build bridges" like a get out of jail free card. Not to the mention a couple of references to the victim feeling bad too, the subtext to that being, well it's her fault too!

Your dd attacked and beat with a gang of her friends, a girl with autism, who she had known for years, because she is annoying. It's actually made even worse by the fact you've known them for years.

I don't want to pile in on you but there is something so very wrong and dismissive about the way you describe this incident and where your attention is focused. You say you're ashamed, yet you are trying to justify it and diminish it and lay the blame elsewhere. You sound like a 13 year old bully yourself. I am not disgusted by your dd because when all things are considered she is only 13 and a child and children can be ignorant and stupid and cruel. But I am disgusted by your view of it and where your concerns regarding this attack lie.

I think another good way to deal with this might be to emphasise to your DD how disgusted others are/will be with her actions.

We had a girl with Down Syndrome in our year at school and another girl was constantly very cruel to her, would wind her up etc. It culminated in her giving her a hiding at the bus stop outside school when we were in year 10 because the DS girl was "asking for it" by winding the bully up. The bully's name is still a byword for scumbag amongst me and my peers even now. No one I knew growing up is lower in mine or my friends eyes... And it's been 15+ years.

Maybe if she hears something like that she might understand that people won't be understanding or forgiving over something like this.

I think some pp are being a little harsh. What is the OP meant to do? Come on here and talk about what a 'disgusting human being' her daughter is?

'Decent children' can be bloody nasty given the right set of circumstances.

I don't know how I would feel if I was the other child's mother. I except the anger coming from some posters have experienced what the DD has put this child through so I understand the extreme responses.

I think your DD needs to spend the holiday reading all about ASD and the effects of bullying. (I'd probably give her a set of questions to find the answers to and make her write an essay on the subject, but's just me!)

I'd also be telling my DD that if there was any repeat, verbal or physical, I'd be removing her from the school myself. And do it!

I do agree with the comments on 'your poor DD being led astray' though. Focus on what YOUR child did, I would even talk about the other girl.

Well said NickiFury.

This is so so sad. That poor girl who will undoubtedly struggle with social interaction is blaming herself. Her mother, who has probably experienced years of misery seeing her daughter being excluded by her peers is desperate to make sure that her poor daughter is "forgiven" by two bullies. And you seem to think that this is in some way a happy resolution. A quick apology from your daughter. Job done.

I, too, am horrified by your dismissive attitude to this whole thing. It seems like all the shock has abated for you and you now want to forget this rather unpleasant incident and get on with business as usual. Please please don't dismiss everyone as "frothing". They speak the truth and you sound deluded.

My son has ASD and is due to start secondary school in September - this thread makes for grim reading.

Your dd is a bully - fact.

Do not send your dd to the gps. It sounds like you want to pass the discipline and fall out onto others. The fact you have other children shouldn't come into it. If her behaviour continues then you can't keep sending her away, you need to have things in place at home to deal with it.

I wouldn't be building bridges with the victim as it implies that there was fault on both sides. Why should the victim be made to feel that it was somehow her fault.

As others have said count yourself lucky the police weren't involved.

Yes to, "building bridges" - wtf?

Your DD is not "disgusting". She is a child who did something very, very wrong but is capable of change. I think you need a lot of support from the school and others around you to encourage an immediate change before she gets any older. Right now the most important thing is what the victim needs and wants, and then to focus on it not happening again.

Your DD is a bully and you are both minimising her actions and victim blaming. Imagine if you, as an adult, were assaulted by a someone because you "were annoying". Would it make you feel better if that person was grounded for a week?
My DD was assaulted in the, street a few weeks ago. Someone attacked her and another girl egged on the other girl hitting her. I phoned the police and one is being charged with common assault and the one doing the mouthing off is being charged with encouraging common assault. They are both 13 years old.

If I was the parents of the victim I would involve the police immediately.

Your DD is getting off lightly.

You could call the police yourself and get them to talk to your DD (without charges being involved) to highlight to her the seriousness of what she has done. They are usually good at that sort of thing. It doesn't sound like the school has taken it particularly seriously so this would be good reinforcement.