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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Boyfriend / girlfriend rules

41 replies

way2serious · 24/04/2014 13:56

My 14 yo DS has a girlfriend the same age and they have been going out since October. Both nice kids. They are at different schools and so don't see each other that much. They text constantly and she has been here a few times and he has been to her house as well. What sort of 'rules' do you have about where they go in the house, doors / curtains open, etc? As he seems to think we are being too strict!

OP posts:

usualsuspectt · 24/04/2014 13:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Weegiemum · 24/04/2014 14:08

My 14yo dd1 has a boyfriend at the same school.

He's here about once a fortnight on a Friday night for tea, he's a nice kid (I've known him since dd was in P2!).

Rules - either in the lounge or in her room with door fully open. And we can mercilessly tease them - 12yo ds is spectacularly good at this!!

AuntieStella · 24/04/2014 14:26

Watching with interest, as my teens have no sign of girlfriends yet but I want to be ready!

My inclination is to have a 'doors open' rule (for younger teens definitely, and also even when older for new relationships, but perhaps up for negotiation if one starts to become more established). Anyone done it like that, and does it work?

Original poster

way2serious · 24/04/2014 14:43

DS is rebelling against the door and curtains being open and says he wants to know why they have to be open!

OP posts:

Weegiemum · 24/04/2014 14:47

My dd1 rebels against door open too. But I'm sure it's just general rebellion .... She's 14 after all.

But them's the rules and if she wants him to come she's got to abide by them. Dh and I got together at 18/19 and had to do similar (in fact I never slept on the same floor of the house at my parents until we got married at 24!).

Original poster

way2serious · 24/04/2014 14:51

Yes that's what I have told him. Am also going to have a heavy chat with him tonight about the consequences and say again why the rules are in place.

OP posts:

TeenAndTween · 24/04/2014 14:52

Stay downstairs, or door open sounds right by me.

It is to protect them (maybe the girl especially) from feeling pressure to be physical with each other. (Or being more physical than you want them to be at that age.)

Not sure about curtains though?

Weegiemum · 24/04/2014 14:55

I just don't want to be dealing with possible consequences .... I know she's snogging the boy but I'd be upset by anything more at this age ... and I know dh (the calmest guy you could meet) would be positively murderous!

She's my wee girl. I'm really glad that The Boyfriends parents take the same route as me. I'd be happy if your ds was my dds bf as I'd know we were on the same page!

Sparklingbrook · 24/04/2014 14:55

Ooh I am going through this right now, DS1 (14) has been seeing a girl for a 3 whole weeks,

Does someone have to be in all the time? Genuine question.

School hols, DH at work and I still have to do stuff wit DS2.....

Bowlersarm · 24/04/2014 15:00

Sparkling, I hate to say it but the more opportunity they have to be able to do stuff I.e time alone,, the more likely they are to do it (in my experience).

Sparklingbrook · 24/04/2014 15:05

Ooh no Bowlers.

That means DS2 and I are stuck here then.

bigTillyMint · 24/04/2014 15:11

When DD had a bf last year, they were home alone sometimes (INSET days, mainly) I told DD that they were to be downstairs only (not sure how that would have stopped anything!)
We also had talks about her not being pushed into doing anything she didn't want to.

Bowlersarm · 24/04/2014 15:11

Sparkling-Ban her from the house?

On a more practical note, also as a DM of DSes like you, I found I relaxed more about it if I found out from the girlfriends mums (there have been a few over the years!) whether they were happy to allow them to be left home alone or not. I always felt so responsible for the girls when they were under my roof, not so much when they were out/at her house.

Thankfully ds1 is 18 now and I don't have to police him anymore. Yay. And ds2 aged 16 isn't the remotest bit interested in girls. Yay yay.

Sparklingbrook · 24/04/2014 15:14

This is all very new and weird. I have no girl children and really want to get it right.

They live ten miles apart so lifts are required, and there's no dropping in IYKWIM

I do feel very responsible for her, reminds me of the feeling I had during playdates in YR.

Bowlersarm · 24/04/2014 15:15

As TillyMint says as well, talking is good, about boundaries, not doing what you feel forced to do etc. Keeping the lines of communication open, is vital I think.

bigTillyMint · 24/04/2014 15:22

I agree with Bowlers - check with the mum to find out what her boundaries are, etc. I felt happier once I had met DD's bf's mum, but ultimately it is about the DC knowing what you feel are appropriate boundaries for their age and them wanting to stick to them/stop the other from pushing things further than they want.

Original poster

way2serious · 24/04/2014 15:28

We sound as though we are in a very similar position Sparklingbrook.
DS's girlfriend lives a good 20 minutes drive away and so she is dropped off by parents etc. and it is all very planned - no chance of just calling by. The same when DS has been to her house.

Before she came here the first time I had a long chat with her mum on the phone who was very worried about her coming to an unknown boy's house, which I was pleased about! Fortunately we seem to have the same standards and expectations. I just feel very anxious and responsible when she is here - just in case!

I think this is a terrible inbetween age - old enough for there to be consequences but too young to fully understand and appreciate them!!

I am going to have another good chat with DS tonight to try to get him understand how we feel as parents and why. We get on very well and I don't want it to turn into a row because it should be a happy time for him.

I know they talk about teenage angst - how about parent angst!!

OP posts:

Sparklingbrook · 24/04/2014 15:33

It's really hard because you have no way of knowing how long this will last so how much do you invest in it?

Nocomet · 24/04/2014 15:39

I was brought up in and still live in the countryside. Woods, disused railway lines, parks and primary schools on the village margins.

Embarrassing DCs by leaving their doors open is just mean. No 14yo is going to risk having sex (as apposed to a cuddle) in their own home with parents and siblings present even with the door closed. They'll wait until a warm summers evening or collude with a mate who's parents are both at work.

Original poster

way2serious · 24/04/2014 16:11

I just don't won't either of them to restrict their young lives or them to do something they feel pressured to do and regret it. I also want my son to value girls and women.

OP posts:

Sparklingbrook · 24/04/2014 16:33

Same here way. From what I have seen it's all very nice at the moment. She is such a lovely girl. I am a bit how he managed it TBH.

yourlittlesecret · 24/04/2014 17:22

I have two boys and live very rural. DS2 16 has yet to have a girlfriend but DS1, 18 first brought one home when he was 13.

I had the downstairs or door wide open policy. I would pop in regularly.
I don't care if it's embarrassing quite frankly, as at that age I felt responsible for the girl as well as DS while she was in my house.
I also did lots of "Talks" because I knew they wouldn't always be chaperoned.
Also I would never allow them to be alone in the house together, nor would I let DS go to her house when her parents were not there. As lifts were required for any visits this was achievable.

All different now he's 18 and has a new GF I am waiting for the request for her to stay over .

Sparklingbrook · 24/04/2014 18:03

Stay over? I have 3 years to think about that then. the other thing that I can't shake the feeling that this will all end in heartbreaking fashion. In 2 days/weeks/months/years.

chocoluvva · 24/04/2014 19:03

When DD was 14 and had a BF there were no specific rules - but I wouldn't have left them in the house alone and BF had a shared bedroom (4siblings).

I did a tremendous amount of ironing when he was around - in my bedroom (beside DD's) and went up and down the stairs a lot. I frequently offered cups of tea too.

no way of knowing how long it will last so how much to invest in it. Yup. Worth remembering it probably won't last long.

I am a bit at how [s]he managed it - I feel a bit like that about my DD and her lovely BF now

Sparklingbrook · 24/04/2014 19:10

choco, I have started sorting the loft, ironed, taken everything out of DS2's room, hoovered and put everything back in, and cleaned my kitchen cupboards since DS1 met his new GF.

I am dreading it ending. DS1 is a sensitive soul. It will be BAD.

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