Boyfriend / girlfriend rules

[way2serious]

My 14 yo DS has a girlfriend the same age and they have been going out since October. Both nice kids. They are at different schools and so don't see each other that much. They text constantly and she has been here a few times and he has been to her house as well. What sort of 'rules' do you have about where they go in the house, doors / curtains open, etc? As he seems to think we are being too strict!

Have you actually spoken to them specifically about sex, consent, contraception, pregnancy and STDs?

All this faffing about with doors! Be straight. The issue is that you don't want them DTD. Tell them that. They are old enough for the conversation.

If they really want to they'll find a way whatever door policy you have.

My DS knows about all of that yes Weather. I am sure there are many parents that told their DC they didn't want them to DTD but they still did.

It's difficult to find a balance though - you don't want to give them the impression that you think it's normal for 14YOs who are going out with each other to be having sex.

Also they need to feel you have some trust in them. It's insulting to think your parents don't trust you to make sensible decisions.

I didn't talk to my 14YO about sex, consent etc because I was absolutely sure that her and her BF were nowhere near that stage. I did when she was 15 (and had a 17YO BF) though.

sparkling - I'm dreading it ending too.

Very true choco. I know that on MN teens are seen as all being sex mad and at it like rabbits the whole time. But some teens would be horrified you even thought they would be doing it-because they really aren't.

I'd be the same at that age. Very different with my eldest daughter, who was 16 with a 17 yo b/f. They did go upstairs, but as they're on the top floor of 3, the bedroom doors are open all the time anyway so they can hear us yelling "Dinner's ready" or similar. Younger sister is usually with them or in her room next door, they all sit together and watch films usually.
And when I did find out they were doing more than snogging, they'd been together 6 months (over a year now) and I ensured that she went to the doctor's and got herself sorted out. Bit of a shock, but I'd rather know that I won't be a grandma before I'm 50 than take any chances.

I think you have to do what feels best for you and your child. Everybody has their own house rules and that is what works for them. When other people criticise it is usually because they have a different set of boundaries at their home. At 14 we have to keep our teenagers safe, turning a blind eye is just giving the green light. At that age they can't think about consequences, but we know that there are certain things they may thank us for one day, and having safe limits in place and feeling cared for are some of them.

To say that a 14y doesnt think of tbe consequences is down right insulting.

Had you heard your parents speak like that when you were 14 you'd have been furious.

Far, Far more teens are being sensible, than are having sex at 14.

Nothing makes a teen more likely to lie and get themselves in dangerous situations than feeling big brother is watching them.

Younger brothers can be very useful too - playing gooseberry/monopolising bf's time with Xbox, etc, etc

I agree that most 13/14 year olds are not having sex - in fact DD was the only one in her then circle of girlfriends who even had a boyfriend and she definitely did not want to be judged badly by anyone.

DS2 (12) is very bewildered by it all.
They all sat watching Despicable Me 2 yesterday but DS2 lasted half an hour before he came out to do something else.

Oh no, DS was right in there - probably because the bf was a high-profile alpha-male, hench sportster.Infact most of his visits round here seemed to involve DS, DH, bf and DD sitting round a footy/rugby match on TV

My DS2 (14) has a GF, also 14. They have been 'going out' for a year. I felt they were far too young when they started, and was anxious for both of them, so the most important thing from my POV was to have a conversation with GF's mum and agree the boundaries/rules. There was no point, I thought, enforcing rules at my house if there were none at hers. We had one long phone call and a bit of checking backwards and forwards - it was all very amicable and we were both relieved. They're allowed upstairs in bedrooms but the doors have to stay open. We've left them alone briefly (in both houses) but only in situations when a parent might return at any minute! That's about it, so far.

Oh yes, and I had a direct conversation with DS about sex, love and contraception. I hope GF's mum has done the same with her.

I agree that most of them aren't actually doing it at 14. You can't assume that though.
DS used to think I was obsessed with sex because of the regular talks we had. He swore there was nothing going on and no intention to, my emphasis was on the possibility of things going further than intended in the heat of the moment.

I have girls. aged 14, 12 and 10 (I0yo not at boyfriend stage but other two dabble).

My rules. No opposite sex sleepovers. (which is not obvious as they have lots of boys who are friends not just boyfriends so they've always been used to having boys overnight til recently).

Be sensible. (ie don't have sex at 14 it is not a good idea).

If you can't be sensible and avoid sex til you are AT LEAST 18 (!) then for god's sake use proper contraceptives and I will help you with that if you need it.

No rules about doors etc. cos they could always find somewhere else and also we are out a lot so we can't actually police their activity that closely, even if we wanted to. Which I don't. we do discuss things like sex and relationships quite openly. basically for my dds I view getting pregnant as a problem rather than the having sex.

MaddAddam use proper contraceptives and I will help you with that if you need it.

Possibly easier if you have DDs rather than boys. Of course you can ensure that boys have access to condoms but I feel it's important they know that they should not leave responsibility to the girl. An unwanted pregnancy is disastrous for the boy as well and he is likely to have little control over any decisions made. The pill can fail through carelessness or illness. I have always stressed that the boys should use protection, even if a girl is on the pill.

yes, with only girls I am teaching them to be very assertive about sex, relationships, not feeling they need to be compliant or go along with a boy's suggestions (not generally a problem for the female Maddaddams really, we're a bolshy lot).

With a son I would have a different emphasis. but haven't had to put that into words. it would probably focus on feminism, respect and lots of condoms.