Please help me help my daughter

[Doinmummy]

My DD16 has been put in permanent seclusion . Had a meeting with head teacher today to try and persuade him to allow her back into class but he wasn't budging on his decision. DD is distraught and verging on hysterical. I've tried to talk to her but she tells me to leave her alone. She's standing outside sobbing uncontrollably.

It's breaking my heart. I'm so worried about her mental state.

Hope you had a nice Easter. Ours was fairly quiet, which is good.

Woke Dd up for school this morning and she was moody and sullen, would hardly speak to me ( I know this is because of school and not just teenage morning type thing). I'm back at work today ( scary) so I left DD to get herself ready and into school.

I came home at 13.30 ( am on half days only for a while) to find DD at home in tears.

The school didn't have anyone to supervise her so they sent her home. FFS ! Don't they realise how hard it is for me to get her to go and also for her to go in?

They assure me they'll have someone for tomorrow but I'm not sure if DD will attend.

How stressful and confusing for your dd. I would suggest contacting school officially and saying they are legally obliged to educate her. So if they have no staff to put her in seclusion ( and they could have booked and paid for a supply teacher from an agency), they you expect her to be in her normal classes until they can organise themselves. I would copy that to the governors - after all you would be fined if you had taken her out for a day holiday.

Oh and I would also tell your dd this, it may encourage her to go in? And get her to phone you if they send her home again before she leaves. To challenge their decision and lack of education she is receiving due to their failure to staff their school adequately.

Their reason was that they cannot risk DD coming into contact with the teacher she had a row with, so cannot be put back into class.

I'm furious. I have emailed the board of governors before but the email was intercepted by the head teacher and it never reached them.

I feel as if everyone is working against us.

I'm fairly sure that you have a right to contact the governors, the Head shouldn't be intercepting email like that. I'd try again if I were you, do you have a direct email to any of them?

There is only one email address for them, I've googled but can't find an alternative.

The head of oastoral care phoned me at 18.30 this evening to tell me what happened , I said I wasn't happy, he got a bit arsey and said that the person who should have been organising things was at a funeral.

I think they are stalling as there's not long left til DD leaves and they just don't give a shit.

But if their maths teacher was at a funeral they would not send 30 children home!! They would pay for cover for such an obviously planned absence such as this.

I would contact the governors directly, not in a way that can be intercepted and also ask for contact with the schools EWO, the county office should have those details if the school is not willing to divulge. Also if there is only one teacher affected then she should be allowed into other lessons? I would personally want a meeting with governors to raise questions over the head's behaviour: intercepting emails, leaving your dd without vital education at a critical time, sending a child home without contacting parents first. And how many schools permantly seclude a child? How is her education being offered? Are qualified specialist staff teaching her? If not insist the governors/council/school fund this immediately. If your dd is excluded there is a big financial penalty the school has to pay, this way it appears she is sat in a room with no qualified staff and no teaching and sent home when it suits her. This does not sound suitable for any child no mind about one under CAMHS. D CAMHS know she is not getting treated appropriately as it is bound to affect her.

Also is there a way of contacting Ofsted and informing them they are leaving a 16yr old with no teaching right before her GCSE's, sent home without parents contacted, no homework set, etc??? I would ensure you let Ofsted know how they manage incidents and also let the Head have a copy of this, maybe after dc's exams!!

Sorry on a practical note:

• does your dd have a chance of passing her exams/some of them?

If so I would:

• ask for detailed revision resources for each subject to work from at home
• ask for a copy of her exam timetable ( they should have them), it will say what exam board she has for each exam. Then you can go onto the exam board websites and get useful info for her ( copies of free past papers to download including examiners mark schemes, ie the answers). Buy revision books for a few subjects ( or library), that she is interested in, making sure it is the right exam body ( eg OCR, EDexcel)
• has she plans for Sept? A college? A new start? Maybe link her GCSE's to a course she is interested in?

Thankyou Silver . I'll contact ofsted tomorrow. I've asked the children's law society about the situation and they say the school are only just operating within the law.

I feel so alone , fighting this battle on my own against the 'big guns' IYSWIM.

The school say that she should just be revising on her own. I think that teacher input for revision is vital at this time.

She has to sit in a room with the blinds pulled down and a 'random' teacher sitting with her- they are NOT teaching her, they aren't even her subject teachers.

I wish I had someone with more knowledge on all this to come into school with me.

I have got a timetable and all the revision aides for each subject. DD has a slim chance of passing some of the exams.

Her head is all over the place, I've tried raising the subject of college but she refuses to make any decisions regarding this .

The teacher that she has to have no contact with doesn't even teach my DD. They say that the confrontation was so bad that she can't sit in any lessons at all.

I'm at my wits end (again)

It sounds hideous and for a confused and upset 16yr old dreadful. Would you be able to get her a private tutor for a few sessions of her favourite subject?

To leave any student with no teaching in all subjects and in a prison type environment is awful.

I would definitely contact governors directly - perhaps tell the head that unless he gives you direct contact with the head of governors that you will have to contact the council/authority/Ofsted the same day to raise major concerns about the management of the school and the well being of your dd???

If the confrontation was so bad they should, expel her at cost to them and that means they have to provide an alternative place of education for her. Why not phone up tomorrow your council to tell them your dd's school is refusing to educate your dd, refusing her any access to teaching and ask for emergency provision elsewhere? Doubt they will have any but it will all be noted.

I agree she may well be scared of other educational establishments but sometimes going to college open days they see how different they are: no uniform, practical courses with placements, studying only what they choose, often no exams ... I just wonder if it would inspire her?

I've been up since 4.45, can't sleep as I keep having conversations in my head with the Council/school/Ofsted.

I will also ask the board of govenors why they haven't replied to my email (that I'm sure the head teacher got to first)

With regard to college , I'm not going to push her about it , she can enroll later on when she's more together.

Have you tried calling your local Parent Partnership Service. Every LA has to have one and the school have to give you their number if you ask them. They are employed to support parents in dispute with educational settings and make sure they understand their child's rights. They can also come to meetings to support parents, although they usually don't speak. Their presence can focus the minds of the school staff considerably if they are pushing the boundaries of legality.

Thanks Gold I've not heard of them but will contact them. It's a shame these agencies are not more widely publicised.

the immediate concern, I feel, is to get her through her exams as best and stress free as you both can and leave this unhelpful school behind. Complaints can take months , even years (I know ) You can fight the school later but maybe keep her out of it , as in the short term, they may make things harder for her....

It sounds like a horrible atmosphere for her . If she is' at risk of permanent exclusion'(which it sounds like she would be if she was staying), she might come under jurisdiction of the Vulnerable children team at the LEA. Try them in case they can fund a home tutor to help with revision (if your DD wants revision support)

The Head of the Pupil support service at our LEA really helped my DD back into education, so maybe try him/her directly if you can prove to them she has not been given adequate teaching for the exams. get a letter from camhs saying how important her education is to her mental health, and how denying it has risks and give to the LEA.(more so than governors at this stage I wonder - governors may protect the school, but the LEA has the responsibility to educate).

My feeling from experience is focus your energy on you, her state of mind and a brighter, different future and have as little contact with school as possible, revise whatever she can under no pressure, sit the exams, and then, as you say, look at the future with hopefully camhs support and a new environment. If necessary she can retake elsewhere next year, my DD did and more do than you imagine. The important thing is to get her the right support to cope at school/college and start believing in herself again - and coping.

Let her know that her happiness and her health, not the exams are the most important thing at the moment, and college/schoolwork/exams can all become more important again when she is feeling stronger. Help her with relaxation and try to stay calm around her (its so hard I know ).

best of luck to both of you........

Thankyou for all your replies and support.

It's such an awful situation and I feel my daughters panic and anxiety.

I think that 'letting it go' with regard to the school is good advice. They have closed ranks and no help at all. I'm not getting anywhere.

I will ask CAHMS to do a letter though explaining the situation, it might be taken into consideration for her exams .

As a last resort today I phoned the Childrens Legal Centre, they said that as a guideline ( it was law under precious govt) a child should have a minimum of 25 hours tutoring a week. DD is only at school for 15 hours a week and if she's lucky will see a teacher for 5 mins.

I have left a message with the Child Support Officer about what's happening . I don't think there's anything else I can do except support DD in whatever she feels up to doing.

I haven't got any advice on the mental health side. Currently trying to work out whether to call a PASW for my ADD.

But with respect to exams.

Can you focus on Maths, English plus 3 or 4 others she is most likely to pass?

If she can get 5Cs that is a good enough baseline for going to college. By cutting out extraneous subjects it may reduce some of the stress.

Does she have any subjects where she already has done loads of controlled assessments so the actual exams are worth much less, so might be easier? (Thinking languages in particular?)

Can you help her by devising a revision chart with her to make it all seem a bit more manageable?

She has dropped French ( was caught cheating in a controlled assessment - sigh) . Maths is her weak subject and was attending revision lessons before and after school but she's not allowed to go to these now .

I said to just do her best . I am more worried about her health but she is so fixated on doing the exams . Hopefully she will get enough to go to college, although she won't talk about that at the moment.

Had a good day !!!!! DD arranged to see careers officer and has decided to do an apprenticeship in retail. I don't care if she learns to be a road sweeper ( no offence to road cleaning operatives)

We have a meeting tomorrow with Cahms and school. Cahms are going to write to exam boards letting them know the situation.

I think the school are acting very shabbily. As a previous poster said, if she acted that badly she should be excluded permanently and provision made elsewhere. Even in isolation, her subject teachers should be providing work.

Hopefully you'll get somewhere and she'll be able to gain enough qualifications to get to the college of choice.