Please help me help my daughter

[Doinmummy]

My DD16 has been put in permanent seclusion . Had a meeting with head teacher today to try and persuade him to allow her back into class but he wasn't budging on his decision. DD is distraught and verging on hysterical. I've tried to talk to her but she tells me to leave her alone. She's standing outside sobbing uncontrollably.

It's breaking my heart. I'm so worried about her mental state.

Thank you for hanging on in there with me. I've been so overwhelmed by over powering feelings of helplessness that it's been unbearable at times.

DS1 has Aspergers with elements of ASD, he's had long periods of school refusal, It's so frustrating :( In terms of counseling for you, does MIND have any services available in your area?, Iv'e found them very helpful in the past and generally the lists aren't as long as the NHS ones.

Sorry that should have been elements of PDA not ASD!

I hope you got some sleep last night and it goes or has gone, well with CAMHS today.

Things didn't go well with cahms. DD git hysterical again and screamed at the cahms lady to leave, so ahe did

DD has been hitting her head against a wall ( literally) .
It's awful to watch. I can't stop her as she won't let me near her.
I'm sitting here in tears- been up since 4am

Sorry things have got worse. In getting help, things do sometimes get worse before they get better and I imagine you DD is in a very frightened place as the structure of life/school for her is falling apart and she is desperately fighting to stay in control.

I would advise from my experience, not talking to her about not doing exams until a professional is more involved, just know in your head it wont happen. All you can do, is say, we will get through this together, keep telling her you love her (even if she doesnt respond) tell her lots of young people struggle at this age etc. If camhs do recognise why her behaviour is as it is, when she feels stronger I don't think she would benefit from returning to a school which has been so punitive. All I can say, is that in the scheme of things, going back a year and redoing it in a new college turned out to be an easier part of the journey we faced.

Hopefully camhs recognise her distress from her reaction, even if they left her screaming. If she is hurting herself like this, make sure you phone and email them, letting them know of her behaviour and if you think she is in danger, call them immediately.Keep a very close eye on her.

write down as much as possible of what is happening and know all the names of people to contact 24 hours a day. (even higher up in the NHS trust).

Diagnosis ultimately might not be that easy (we have had lots of different ones over several years) and they take time, the important thing is at the moment she can access support, and engage with it. Take things day by day, read up on interacting with an ASD teen and anger (even if she isnt, parenting skills suggested will be helpful) and do something , however small, each day, just for you.

I've just seen this thread Doin (I've had an operation this week and been recovering)... I'm so sorry things have reached crisis point but I am so impressed with how strong you are being. I think you did exactly the right thing calling an ambulance.

It's awful it's so hard to get help, but I think if she is violently distressed like this again, you need to call an ambulance again, or the police, or the emergency duty team at social services. If she's a danger to herself or you, it is an emergency.

You may have to do it several times.

Sometimes a crisis is a turning point. It might be what it takes for services to realise that your DD really does need help. Or it might be that your DD has to get this desperate before she can admit to herself that she needs help.

It is incredibly hard though. Try to look after yourself. Remember it is not long since you yourself had a crisis... Your DD needs you to look after yourself so you can look after her, but also, if you look after yourself you can show her and help her learn it's ok to ask for help. She might be refusing help because she doesn't think she deserves it - you can show her she does - she's worth support... And remember you are worth it too. :)

Hi Flow I hope you are recovering well from your op. X

DD's behaviour is actually freaking me out now. She stayed out last night and came home this evening in a stroppy mood. She went to her room. I text her and asked if she wanted dinner, she replied with a long rant about how my behaviour is erratic and I needed to apologise . I replied with an apology ( against my better judgement but anything to keep the peace) she sent a text back saying it's too late to apologise and she wants to be put into care. I ignored this and said I'd order us a take away.

She came down to eat and although subdued she was talking to me. She then went upstairs and sent me another shitty text. Then came back down and seemed fairly normal.

Her BF came to pick me up, I went to kiss her goodbye and she pushed me away.

I feel like she's purposely trying to mess with my head - I can't bear it.

Her BF came to pick her up

Her behavior does seem very odd.

Thankyou for your reply Anthropology I think you're right about her feeling as if everything is falling apart and so she is trying to gain some control by doing it to me.

Her behaviour seems so calculated though- she can be screaming and swearing one minute and in the next 15 mins is putting on make up to go to work.

Doin my daughter responded to a CAMHS home visit in exactly the same way. They just saw it as an indicator of how much she needed their help. Keep chasing them and asking them for advice and support.

Keep calling ambulances when you need to.

You're her safe person. The one she can lash out at knowing that you'll still be there for you. Don't take it too personally. She's upset, frightened and confused.

You need to keep your behaviour fairly consistent in terms of managing boundaries for her. If you let her get away with everything without comment she will become even more confused. However that doesn't mean don't cut her any slack. Try to find a middle ground which I know is much easier said than done.

Keep looking after yourself too.

I'm really feeling for you right now.

Doin, I can't remember whether we've asked this before, but does your DD smoke? This kind of erratic behaviour is common with skunk use. And some other drugs like m-cat IME.
Just worth checking I think...

She does smoke - roll ups . It is something that I've thought about , it would certainly explain her moods. She was at home with me all evening and the next day and she still went into melt down- do these drugs affect them just when they've taken them or can it affect them at a later date?

Finally had the social worker call me just now - he's useless and had admitted that he doesn't know what to do next- he's going to run it by his manager.

Still waiting for CAHMS to call with an appointment to see a psychiatrist.

DD went into school today for a catchup session and came home almost ecstatic- I really think her behaviour has been made worse by the stress of being excluded.

Chased CAHMS again but no one has called back.

She's up and down like a roller coaster, isn't she?

It's hard to know whether her behaviour might be affected by drugs. It sounds like it's a possibility at least...

I'm not sure it helps you to know anyway... Though if services/professionals think drug use is behind her behaviour, they may be reluctant to offer her 'mainstream' counselling...

I wonder if psychiatrists do drug tests? The CAHMS lady said they might test her for a hormone imbalance. She is up and down and its so hard to live with. I feel I've been backed into a corner somewhat as I watch everything that I say in case it sets her off. This means that any boundaries I have such as the way she speaks to me have gone out of the window. I feel as if she is in total control of everything (even though she probably feels like she isn't).

This means that any boundaries I have such as the way she speaks to me have gone out of the window. I feel as if she is in total control of everything (even though she probably feels like she isn't).

I know you're waiting for CAMHS to get back to you. When they do ask for advice about this on the phone. She is still a child and a very scared one by the sound of it. She needs those boundaries to keep some consistency in her life even if she fights to move them. Ask CAMHS how far you should relax them and how much you should worry about setting her off again.

She will probably feel safer if home stays predictable.

We've git an appt on thurs. However, the cahms lady said she doesn't think DD will get on with the psychiatrist . Doesn't fill me with confidence.

Good luck with the appointment today :)

I hope the CAMHS lady was wrong and the psychiatrists is professional and adapts his or her approach to suit their individual patients.

Fingers crossed that you come away today with some sort of plan.

How did it go, doin?

It was just about 'ok'. She's been put on antidepressants - I'm not keen but anything that helps is good. I would like to speak to the doctor alone as DD sees her problems very differently to what I see. She wouldn't really open up to him so I talked about how I saw things and she started to argue with me, I carried on in the hope that the doctor would see how things are.

I carried on in the hope that the doctor would see how things are.

I think your view will be considered very relevant.

My DD takes ADs but for their ability to reduce her anxiety rather than to treat depression, which she does not have. Depending on what your DD is on, her anxiety may be reduced too.

Once they had been working for a few months she was much more able to cope with challenges and engage with CAMHS. Keeping my fingers crossed that you find the same.

That sounds positive. I think anti-Ds are worth a try. :)