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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Please help me help my daughter

122 replies

Doinmummy · 20/03/2014 19:06

My DD16 has been put in permanent seclusion . Had a meeting with head teacher today to try and persuade him to allow her back into class but he wasn't budging on his decision. DD is distraught and verging on hysterical. I've tried to talk to her but she tells me to leave her alone. She's standing outside sobbing uncontrollably.

It's breaking my heart. I'm so worried about her mental state.

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Original poster
Doinmummy · 20/03/2014 21:06

No she hasn't been assessed for anything. I've been asking for help for years. We had an appt with CAMHS today ( finally) but she refused to attend. Our SW went and said we've been referred for family counselling . I think DD needs a psychiatrist.

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Goldmandra · 20/03/2014 21:07

Has she been assessed for ASD?

I second that thought.

Google Tony Attwood and girls with Asperger's. I think the average age for diagnosis is about 15 and lots of girls are in the state you describe before anyone realises what is going on.

My DD1 was 12 and in a dreadfully state mentally when she was diagnosed. A lot of what you're saying here sounds familiar.

I may be well wide of the mark but it is definitely worth considering.

Around the time my DD1 was diagnosed I was at my wit's end. I thought her education and her mental well being were lost causes. Four years later with appropriate support and understanding it is all looking positive.

If she won't have a hug will she allow you to wrap her in a heavy blanket? Pressure from weighted objects can aid calming.

Original poster
Doinmummy · 20/03/2014 21:11

She's very manipulative and controlling, just like her father ( is it hereditary ?) She had trouble at junior school with friends as it was her way or no way. I think she's the same with her BFand that's why they argue

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Original poster
Doinmummy · 20/03/2014 21:19

She won't let me near her when she's angry or upset . I can hug her any other time. I feel awful saying this but I'm just poring out my thoughts - it's almost as if she 'enjoys' being like this. She always been very dramatic , she's been offered help at school while she's secluded - the school have employed private tutors for maths and English but she's rejected this.then says no one is helping her. She says her gcse's are so important to her but she never does homework or revision. I wonder if she doing this so that if she fails her exams she can blame the school.

Sorry for disjointed posts- I'm a bit all over the place myself

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Original poster
Doinmummy · 21/03/2014 01:21

I've just read the Tony Attwood piece on girls with AS. Very interesting . Not sure that my DD fits this diagnosis though. She's def got anger issues and needs to control people, maybe that's linked to low self esteem . I wish she'd talk to a counsellor.

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Goldmandra · 21/03/2014 07:14

There's a lovely forum for parents whose children have, or may have, ASD. It's called ASDFriendly. I can't link from my iPad but can PM you a link later if you can't find it.

It might be worth having a look on there to see if many of the things parents are discussing ring bells for you.

Your description of her behaviour around friends seems to fit.

I have two girls with AS so I'd be happy to chat via pm about our experiences if that helps.

Original poster
Doinmummy · 21/03/2014 10:01

Thankyou Gold , I'll have a look . I don't know what's wrong with her but I'm sure it's something

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Goldmandra · 21/03/2014 10:07

I don't know what's wrong with her but I'm sure it's something

I hope you manage to work it out and get her some help soon. I feel sick even now when I think back to when DD1 was in that state.

Just remember to look after yourself too. She needs you to do that so you can support her.

Jellymum1 · 21/03/2014 10:31

How sad she sounds like she is in an incredible amount of pain and turmoil. I have suffered anxiety and depression my whole life although finally at 30 I am much much better at handling things my teens and twenties were horrific. If its any consolation there is nothing anyone could have done for me when I was in my black periods. And hurting myself made me feel better and was a way I coped. It must be hard for you to see that. Its so so important you dont loose your temper although that must be hard. My mum always said "what about me, im trying my best, your life isnt bad/painful" ect and trust me adding guilt into the mix was not helpful. She obviously is feeling some very very strong and overwhelming emotions. Can you get in touch with the GP? I think a physchiatrist is probably the way forward. Big hugs for you x

Original poster
Doinmummy · 21/03/2014 12:18

Jellymum I'm glad you feel better now x it is awful to see her so distraught , I'm her mum and should be able to help but I can't . I've suggested the GP but she won't go.

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Goldmandra · 21/03/2014 12:30

I've suggested the GP but she won't go.

Go without her and ask for a referral to CAMHS. That will take some time and she may come round to the idea of talking to someone by the time the appointment comes round.

If it doesn't you can go on your own again because they can support children through parents if necessary. I know because I've done it.

Original poster
Doinmummy · 21/03/2014 13:04

We've been referred to cahms. Had an appt yesterday but she refused to go . They think family therapy is the way forward but how do I physically get her there? I'm in despair. She rejects all offers of help eg her science teacher very very kindly offered to come to our house for 1 to 1 tuition but DD said its a waste of time. It's as if she fails she can blame other people IYSWIM.

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Original poster
Doinmummy · 21/03/2014 13:05

We also have a counsellor who comes to our house. DD has only attended 1 session.

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Jellymum1 · 21/03/2014 13:14

doin have you support too? This sounds very hard. She is very scared of something isnt she if nothing will help/there's no point/no way out ect.

Very very sorry to bring it up and trying not to jump to conclusions but any possibility she has been abused :( can the gp come to the house? She needs something to calm her down at least. I know you will feel very torn and not want to make things worse but any way the GP or SW can help you get her to counselling? Failing that an admission to the psych unit? I know it sounds harsh but in the long run it isnt. If shes hurting herself? I really really feel for you. I hid my pain from my parents very well I really feel for your DD too. Mental health problems are so complicated and dark for all involved x

Protego · 21/03/2014 13:50

How are you Doin?
It is tough on you both but hang on in there for her. You are empathising with her and you are the grown up. Her passions are normal for a teenager and will subside. As everyone is saying time is the thing but I would add that school is a system of mass education that we have all signed up to as 'A GOOD THING'. But one size does not fit all and it is a highly artificial environment where young people are simply thrown together with local peers. I home educated mine for four years - they went back for exams - and though it was tough financially it has given them a confidence and individuality. School is not the be all and end all. Plenty do studies later and it may be that the mix of people in this school are no good for her. You are on her side and this could bring you together. My relationship with my DS now 18 is amazing because we listened to him aged 10...
Be strong for her!

Goldmandra · 21/03/2014 13:54

Stick with it.

When we were in this position, CAMHS eventually suggested DD1 was medicated to manage her anxiety in order to allow her to engage with them. I was very dubious at first but I gave in and it was a very good decision. Keep working with them and expecting them to help her. Don't allow anyone off the hook just because she can't engage with them at the moment.

Original poster
Doinmummy · 21/03/2014 13:55

I'd love her to go to a unit so she can really get help. Sadly abuse has crossed my mind but I'm as sure as I can be that she hasn't. She has a very rocky relationship with her father, hasn't spoken to him for nearly a year. He's very controlling and a heavy drinker, I'm sure this has some thing to do with it.

She is scared of failing I think, I can't get it though to her that it doesn't matter at all to me if she doesn't get A * in her exams , I only care that she is happy and balanced. Exams can be taken any time .

SW is coming here today, I'll speak to her again about it all. DD has done a bit of a maths revision today but has now gone to her BF's to watch videos.

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Original poster
Doinmummy · 21/03/2014 13:57

I so want to hug her but she won't let me near her. It's as if she is rejecting everything, physical comfort and practical help.

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Original poster
Doinmummy · 21/03/2014 14:00

Protego I agree about school not suiting everyone, it's just too much for some youngsters, the intense 'friendships' , teachers they don't get on with etc.

DD was quite insightful when she said the 'girls' are only 'friends' with each other because they have to be.

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Jellymum1 · 22/03/2014 13:22

Oh doin. Big hugs from me. She will come when shes ready. It sounds like you are doing all you can to help and comfort her. She is very lucky to have a mother like you who isnt just simply saying pull yourself together. It must be so hard. I really dont have practical advice for you but I have been where your daughter is and I did come out of it. This will pass x

Original poster
Doinmummy · 22/03/2014 13:30

Thankyou for your replies. I'm in a permanent state of despair. Watching your child fall apart is heartbreaking.

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Goldmandra · 22/03/2014 13:38

Watching your child fall apart is heartbreaking.

Words don't come close to expressing what it feels like.

How is she doing today?

Original poster
Doinmummy · 22/03/2014 15:05

She's ok today- gone to a BBQ with her BF.

I , however, am not ok today. Sitting here in tears.

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anthropology · 22/03/2014 16:09

it sounds like you are doing everything you can to help her. Try to do something nice for you, when you have the space. Seclusion, sounds like an unhelpful punishment , if no-one at school is trying to understand why she behaves as she does. Has she ever had an ed psych assessment (wisc 4 TEST), perhaps she would do this rather than camhs, where she might struggle to talk about feelings . My DD like many, has ASD traits, and an educational assessent showed up her strengths and vulnerabilities. We only discovered it through severe depression at the same age. It does help if you have pieces of paper which go some way to explain behaviour and also that someone can start to give her tools to change the way she responds. If you can persuade her camhs is about learning different ways to approach things, rather than having to tell them her problems, maybe it will help. Maybe school could agree to reconsider the seclusion if she agrees to camhs - to give her some motivation. best of luck.

Original poster
Doinmummy · 22/03/2014 16:31

DD has never been assessed for anything. I've been pushing ( via GP and school) for a referral to Cahms or psychiatrist since she was 7 with no luck. She says she doesn't want to be like this ( heartbreaking to hear ) and is willing to accept help, then she'll change her mind and refuse to go when we do get an appt.

I had a meeting with the Head Teacher and there's no changing his mind re seclusion .

She says no one is helping her, but some of her teachers have offered 1 to1 tuition (one even offered to come to our house - above and beyond) DD has refused to accept this help. It's as if she wants to do badly in her exams and then blame everyone else for it.

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