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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Please help me help my daughter

122 replies

Doinmummy · 20/03/2014 19:06

My DD16 has been put in permanent seclusion . Had a meeting with head teacher today to try and persuade him to allow her back into class but he wasn't budging on his decision. DD is distraught and verging on hysterical. I've tried to talk to her but she tells me to leave her alone. She's standing outside sobbing uncontrollably.

It's breaking my heart. I'm so worried about her mental state.

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Goldmandra · 22/03/2014 17:38

My DD couldn't cope with tutors coming to our house, even her very favourite teacher ever. She still wanted to learn and was desperate not to fall behind but still couldn't cope with it.

What have CAMHS said about this?

Original poster

Doinmummy · 22/03/2014 19:03

The appointment was last Thursday . DD refused to go. Our SW went for us ( she was due to attend anyway) we've been referred for family therapy. Not sure what that will entail. We've had a counsellor come to our house for the past 8 months, she's lovely but DD has only attended one session. I give up.

As for her schooling, I've said to her that I'm happy to take her out of school altogether, have a break and then decide what she wants to do. I don't mind what she decides as long as she decides something . The school are laying in tutors etc, DD says she wants to do well in her exams but then is refusing to attend lessons.

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Goldmandra · 22/03/2014 19:19

I wouldn't take her out of school altogether unless you can afford to pay for tutors yourself. While she's on roll it's their responsibility to make sure she has access to the curriculum.

If she can't attend a lesson with a tutor is there something that you think she can do which is a step towards it? Perhaps exchange emails with one?

When someone is in the state she's in it's important that any steps they take feel manageable. It doesn't matter how tiny the steps are, they are still progress if you can make them happen.

Original poster

Doinmummy · 22/03/2014 20:06

School have arranged an online maths tutor but DD insists she only wants her usual maths teacher, but when her usual maths teacher arranged sessions with her she said she could only do it if she was put back into 'normal' classes.(this will not be happening) I know I sound negative but she's rejecting absolutely everything.

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Goldmandra · 22/03/2014 20:18

You don't sound negative. You sound like your back is against the wall. The more you post, the more she sounds like my DD1 and the more I feel for you.

I remember feeling like I was letting her down because I couldn't make it all better for her.

Perhaps what you both need is to stop trying to sort anything out for a couple of weeks (or maybe more) and concentrate on healing and taking stock.

At the end of that time she may be able to be a bit more flexible in her thinking and be in a better place to make some realistic plans.

One thing I learned the hard way was to make sure I didn't let it harm our relationship. Could you plan a pleasant , familiar activity for the two of you and agree not to mention anything stressful like school for the whole time it is happening?

Goldmandra · 22/03/2014 20:21

It's as if she wants to do badly in her exams and then blame everyone else for it.

If this were my DD I would wonder if she was so utterly terrified that she wouldn't do well enough in her exams that she couldn't take the risk of trying them and was creating a situation, possibly subconsciously, that prevented her from taking them while allowing her to blame someone or something else.

Goldmandra · 22/03/2014 20:24

Just a thought but have you ever heard of Pathalogical Demand Avoidance (PDA). It is a common element of ASD but can be such a strong trait that it becomes a condition in its own right.

Goldmandra · 22/03/2014 20:24

I mean Pathological!

Original poster

Doinmummy · 22/03/2014 21:16

Omg just googled PDA and it's my DD to a T. Obsessive- especially with people. Yes to needing to be in control all the time. Yes to changing mood quickly . Yes to being Jekyll and Hyde .

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Original poster

Doinmummy · 22/03/2014 21:25

She's taking ( or she's supposed to be taking) her GCSE's in a few weeks so we're against the clock. Taking time out isn't an option if she wants to take these exams. More pressure unfortunately.

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Goldmandra · 22/03/2014 22:54

Ok.

PDA isn't recognised by all clinicians in all NHS trusts so you might have your work cut out to get the difficulties you've identified acknowledged. However, it is closely related to ASD so you can ask for a neurodevelopmental assessment via CAMHS which should result in a report detailing her difficulties, even if she isn't given a specific diagnosis. On the other hand you might be lucky in your area and have clinicians who see it as a condition in its own right.

You need to contact CAMHS and ask to meet them to work out the best way to help your DD. You might want to think about giving up on the idea of her taking her GCSEs as you mentioned earlier and allowing her to take them next year with more appropriate support. With understanding and adjustments she should be able to do well.

I do know that PDA symptoms often get worse with anxiety and this can become a vicious circle so this may be what is happening for your DD. If that's the case, the only solution may be to remove the pressure altogether. You need to talk it through with a psychologist really.

When is the family therapy due to start?

Original poster

Doinmummy · 22/03/2014 23:42

Thanks for your input , it's very interesting. I'll give cahms a call on Monday to see of I can talk it through with them. Probably best if DD isn't present . I haven't got a date yet but I think it's worth putting these thoughts forward to save them barking up the wrong tree.

I think it would be best to postpone her exams just to relieve the pressure as to be honest it's making us both ill.

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Goldmandra · 23/03/2014 00:13

Good luck with this. It makes a huge difference if you get a good CAMHS practitioner so I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

You might find this website useful. they also have a good Facebook page where parents who come up against problems can get support and advice from each other here.

Original poster

Doinmummy · 23/03/2014 01:05

Thankyou so much for all this info. I'll let you know how I get on - not very interesting I know x

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Goldmandra · 23/03/2014 22:14

Please do come back and post how you're getting on.

Your situation has had me reliving our similar experiences to some extent and I'd love to hear that things improve for you the way they did, eventually, for us.

Original poster

Doinmummy · 01/04/2014 01:32

Things are getting worse. DD has cried all day every day. She's in bed now sobbing her heart out and she won't let me near her. I'm desperate. We can't go on like this.

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Goldmandra · 01/04/2014 10:44

So sorry to hear this.

Have you been back in touch with CAMHS? You need to let them know what's happening and how worried you are.

Is she still worrying about GCSEs or have you knocked them on the head?This might be a decision you need to take out of her hands to reduce her stress.

Original poster

Doinmummy · 01/04/2014 11:34

I've told her to forget her exams, my only concern is her well being, education can come later. She insists that she wants to sit them. I phoned the social worker twice yesterday to chase up Cahms but he hasn't phoned back. I can hear her crying again now.

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Goldmandra · 01/04/2014 12:05

I would phone the GP and ask them to make an emergency referral to get her seen immediately.

I'm loathe to say do much without CAMHS input but I would also take steps to cancel her exams with the school so that the pressure is off. While you're letting her make the decision she is still under pressure. If the decision is taken out of her hands she may be cross with you but the pressure will be off.

You must feel awful listening to her and being unable to help

Goldmandra · 01/04/2014 12:05

If the GP won't take action insist that they do a home visit so they can see how bad things are.

Original poster

Doinmummy · 01/04/2014 22:58

Oh my god what a horrific day. The GP refused to do a home visit. DD was hysterical this morning- she was like a frightened wild animal- screaming , sweating, curled up hiding behind the sofa. I called an ambulance. They said it could take up to 4 hours before they could attend. It took 5 calls to them with me holding the phone up so they could hear her before they agreed to come quickly.

We were finally seen at A & E by the crisis team. DD was given diazepam and Cahms are coming Thursday to see us at home and they will do a referral to a psychiatrist .

It has honestly been the worse day of my life. My poor DD .

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whitsernam · 02/04/2014 18:31

I can hear your discouragement when reading your posts. But I have experience with a mentally ill child, and it is really possible today will turn out to be the turning point!! You successfully got help for her and it's on record now.... hopefully there will be more help to come.

You are so strong! This is really asking too much of a lone parent, and I was one too; you do need help for yourself as well. I found a good counsellor to talk with, who had experience with mentally ill children as well, and was a big help to me. I hope you can find someone like her!

Original poster

Doinmummy · 02/04/2014 18:40

I have been referred for counselling myself but there's a long waiting list.

I'm relieved to at last have a referral, I've been asking for one for years

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Goldmandra · 02/04/2014 22:21

Good grief!

Well done for calling the ambulance. That must have been hard.

You've got the ball rolling now. You need to keep that momentum and make sure nobody is allowed to fob you off. Keep the fight in you that made you call the ambulance 5 times until they listened to you.

You may find that you're not ready for counselling just now anyway. It wasn't until DD1 was over the worst and I could see her path to recovery firmly set out before her that I was able to let myself fall apart a bit.

Your DD is lucky to have you on her side

Original poster

Doinmummy · 03/04/2014 00:06

Thankyou. I got my mad up! I work in a hospital and see people being stretchered in with ridiculous ailments. My DD needed help-proper medical help and I wasn't taking no for an answer. I think it's the age old 'blindness' to mental health problems. The ambulance operators were quite off with me as was the GP . It's such a shame we have to fight so hard for help.

Cahms lady is coming tomorrow, she was right on the ball and agreed straight away that we need help.

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