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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Do you get the address of your 16 yr olds daughter's mates?

29 replies

febel · 26/02/2014 18:21

Hi all, not come across this problem with my elder two girls but YD has made new friends at college, BUT is loathe to give me addresses when she goes there (and goes straight from college so it's not like I can ground her) Is this normal? Would you be happy with it? I am very uneasy about it, although she has her mobile with her I would rather also have an address...or am I over-parenting?!

OP posts:

Original poster

febel · 26/02/2014 18:34

Forgot to add...she never has friends back here either, is too anxious and nervous about it....(her personality not our house cos her sisters had no problem with having mates back, and still don't)

OP posts:

mumblechum1 · 26/02/2014 18:35

Sorry but that is waaaay over the top.

When Ds was that age if I was lucky he'd text to say he wasn't coming home but I would certainly not have expected him to say exactly where he was.

Claybury · 26/02/2014 18:41

Tricky at 16. If she won't tell you where she is there's not much you can do except insist she keeps in touch at all times. Does she tell you about what she gets up to - are the friends the same age at least ? Is she open with you ?
My DS has never let me know his whereabouts , since age 14, I have been uncomfortable about it but he is very good at keeping in touch and adhering to curfew so I've had to leave him be. I think he has an irrational fear I would turn up and embarrass him or worse still try to meet the other parents.

My DD doesn't behave like this, and I still enjoy being able to give her lifts which I appreciate !

JeanSeberg · 26/02/2014 18:42

Why are you uneasy?

Bowlersarm · 26/02/2014 18:47

We are very rural so this happens rarely. I have to drive the DC's to mates houses or pick them up as they can't get there otherwise, but it does happen sometimes if they go straight from school and sleepover.

I think at 16, as long as she is very good about being reachable via text/call, you should relax a bit.

RuddyDuck · 26/02/2014 18:49

I think you are being overprotective unless you have reason to be uneasy. My ds aged 15 spends a lot of time with his friends at each others houses, and they are often round mine for the whole bleeding weekend but I don't know their addresses. They seem to be polite friendly eating machines boys so I haven't got an issue.

16 is old enough to leave home, get married, etc. It seems a bit odd that you need to know where your dd is at all times.

usualsuspect33 · 26/02/2014 18:51

No I wouldn't insist on knowing the addresses of their mates when they were at college.

They all knew to answer their phones though.

ICantFindAFreeNickName · 26/02/2014 18:58

If my ds is staying over at a party, I insist that I know the address. He does have form for forgetting to text & forgetting to charge his phone.

ExcuseTypos · 26/02/2014 18:58

I wouldn't be happy with my DDs not telling me where they were going. It's just common curtesy in this house for everyone to let others know where they are.

I suppose lots would find this completely over the top, but I also have a lot of my DDs friends'' mobile numbers and have done for a long time. It's not uncommon for mums do that in my circle. It means if you can't get hold of your child amd are worried, you can text one of their friends. I've carried this on now DDs are at uni. I have several of their flat mates numbers. Maybe I'm just weird!

anniepanniepears · 26/02/2014 19:17

I have a son who when asked where are you going ?
answers places
who are you going with?
answers people
my daughter when asked the same questions
answers none of your business
they are 18 and 16 years old not much I can do about it ,
does not stop me worrying about them
when I think back to when I was their age I did not tell my mum much either

Stricnine · 26/02/2014 20:07

I certainly wouldn't expect DD now 17 to give me actual addresses.. often she doesn't know them herself.. but she good at keeping in touch and letting me know roughly (ie what part of town she's in) or when she's expecting to get home, especially if foid us involved..

equally quite a few of her friends pitch up here and I doubt their parents know where they are...

doesn't bother me, they're growing up and need to be treated as young adults..

NCISaddict · 26/02/2014 20:10

When my DD was 16 I barely remembered my own address let alone her friends apart from the ones she's had since she was three. I did used to drop her off at a few of her friends and had to be given directions each and every time.

NearTheWindymill · 26/02/2014 20:14

Thing is mine have had a network of mates since they were about 3 (nearly 16 and 19 now) and even though we are in London I was always able to find out what they were up through old mates, and mums who knew the parents of new mates.

usualsuspect33 · 26/02/2014 20:22

My DS made new friends when he went to college.

No way could I keep up with them all. Mind you they all seemed to come round to my house anyway

Olivegirl · 26/02/2014 20:32

Dds 18 & 16

I usually get a general idea of at least the area where they are
If I'm lucky I even get the road!

My main concern is that they text me occasionally to let know they are ok

summer68 · 26/02/2014 20:41

Hi Febal, I think it's ok to not always know the address of your dc friends, however I detect from what you say that the real issue is you don't have a clue where your dd is after college and you don't know her friends- this would concern me too. My dd (18) and ds(16) know that I need to know they are safe and accommodate me in this. Having said that they also like to know where I am!
My ds just recently complained that his friends can do or go where they please at any time - I didn't believe him, but looking at the replies here I see he is right. (Just me then!)
I feel that under 18 they are not adults and still need a few restrictions, I wouldn't want either of them to hang out on the streets for example.
So Febal I would have a chat with your dd and explain any concerns, tell her you worry , acknowledge that you know it's overprotective, but that's because you love her. Give options- can I meet a couple of friends, offer to pay for a take away! Tell her it's just so you stop worrying.
Best of luck

Original poster

febel · 26/02/2014 20:51

summer68....yes you have hit the nail on the head. She is at pains to conceal where she is, and although we offer to pick her up she always seems, conveniently , to get lifts. Not met her friends, have no idea who they are or where they live and she is very defensive about addresses etc..don't know why. I suppose because we never had this with our other two, they were open with us etc it is a shock now. She is very sly and not open at all..worryingly......

OP posts:

cory · 26/02/2014 20:54

No, I can't say I do (dd is now 17 but no different when she was 16). She is very close to adulthood and has always shown herself a mature and sensible person. If it is late in the evening she will arrange beforehand for dh to pick her up or else will arrange a lift with a responsible person. I am also happy for her to use a reputable taxi company with preordered taxis.

I expect to be told when she is going to be out late and roughly what time I may expect her and for her to be contactable so more or less the kind of courtesy I would expect from an adult family member.

But I expect to be able to go out for a walk in the daytime or a drink with colleagues in the evening without telling dh exactly which streets I will be going down, so I don't expect exact details of her either.

Typical information would be "I have arranged with x to meet her in other town/London to see the show at X, it finishes at y hours so I'd expect to be back at our station around z hours; do you think you could pick me up if I ring".

Original poster

febel · 26/02/2014 21:06

Made me feel better reading posts...think it's just been a bit of a shock cos she has been so much at pains to conceal where she is. (and once said, "Well you might come and drag me out!" As if!) I think the trouble is she once got involved in an inappropriate relationship o- line..as in she was 13/14 and he was 18, and her coach..and yes unfortunately she got discovered, think it was more him than her, and yes it was a can of worms and since then I think I don't trust her, even though I try. Didn't blame her particularly but still find it hard. She also has broken my trust a few times over other stuff..just silly things like taking sister's stuff, drinking cider in her room etc.
Will try and back off a bit...it is hard though, especially as her sisters were so different and am not used to it all!

OP posts:

cory · 26/02/2014 21:09

It is very much an individual thing and of course it's going to be much harder because she has broken trust.

Having said that, it is very important that she does not grow up with a self image that is determined by something she did (or rather that someone else tricked her into doing) when she was 13/14. They can grow up a lot in two years- and they need to grow up a lot.

Original poster

febel · 26/02/2014 21:10

Thanks all, feel a bit better now though still uneasy and worried but what can I do..nothing really.

OP posts:

Claybury · 26/02/2014 21:18

Febel- I understand your concerns. As I said my DS is the same. I don't know his mates. He never brings them here unless we are out. I don't know where they live and he always goes out on fri and sat nights. Now he is 16 we are more relaxed and have decided to let him have his independence, as he is also studying hard, and his school attendance is 100%. I'm pretty sure we would not approve of some of his mates but we can't control who is spends time with, he needs to find his own way.
It doesn't sound like your DD wants to let you know where she is, perhaps you should give up trying and try to keep other lines of communication open where possible. I would keep an eye on her behaviour though, ensure she is doing well at college, keeping in touch with you etc. Encourage her for stuff she is getting right.
It won't stop you worrying though .

cory · 26/02/2014 21:19

I do know about it, febel.

My own dd made two suicide attempts between the ages of 15 and 16. It took a massive amount of courage for me to let her go out and about, or even to go out myself and leave her at home.

But what CAHMS told me very forcefully was that I had to do it, because otherwise I would be giving her the message that she could not control herself- and then she would never be safe.

But much can change in a year. For the last six months she has been at college, travelling to another town on the bus every day, sometimes going straight off to rehearsals with her theatre group afterwards, travelling up to London (a 2 hr journey on the train) to see shows and meet up with friends, generally leading a normal life.

Shoopshoop2 · 26/02/2014 21:57

Go quiet Feb,and let your other dd's talk to her. She'll open up to you eventually,if you don't look for anything.

teenagetantrums · 26/02/2014 23:29

I doubt my DD even knows her friends addresses. I don't know all her college friends, they seem to changing every month. Have only met a few of them, as long as she is home when I tell her to be and answers the phone if I call her Im happy.

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