Do you get the address of your 16 yr olds daughter's mates?

[febel]

Hi all, not come across this problem with my elder two girls but YD has made new friends at college, BUT is loathe to give me addresses when she goes there (and goes straight from college so it's not like I can ground her) Is this normal? Would you be happy with it? I am very uneasy about it, although she has her mobile with her I would rather also have an address...or am I over-parenting?!

The thing is, this age is not like primary school where you have a small group of friends and organised playdates. It is a time of intense social flux, where you meet all sorts of new people all the time; it is part of the normal growing up process; it's when people find out for themselves who they are and what sort of friends they get on with, and for that to happen they need to try lots of different friends on so to speak.

I am sure dd has made hundreds of friends since she started college in the autumn: at college, at drama club, at various shows she has been to, on twitter etc etc. If I had to keep up with them all my head would explode, and most of them are likely to be pretty transient anyway.

It is also a time when they have to learn to exercise their own judgment and, to some extent, sort themselves out when things go wrong. Because whatever happens we do have to let them go at 18, we won't care any less about them then, but we will be unable to make any of their decisions for them.

Is there any hope that the two of you could get some family counselling?

Because I could imagine she thinks/feels "My Mum doesn't trust me, treats me like a kid and is always interferring."

You think/feel "I worry about my daughter, I'd like a vague idea of where she is, when she'll be back, and that she can contact me if she feels unsafe. I also want her to be safe."

I would never expect DD15 to let me know exactly where she was at all times! She is always contactable by phone and I would have no problem with her being at friends houses I don't know. You can't control every aspect of their lives and who they mix with and in two years time your DD could potentially be living away from home at uni.

"She is at pains to conceal where she is, and although we offer to pick her up she always seems, conveniently , to get lifts. Not met her friends, have no idea who they are or where they live and she is very defensive about addresses etc..don't know why."

This would worry me, I used to say to dd at the same age "what if you didn't come home, how would we even know where to start looking for you". That seemed to get through to her and she would tell me addresses etc.