Monthly school reports are depressing us

[uiopw]

DS 15 is in year ten and school is sending monthly reports, which are so depressing.
Teacher after teacher are saying that he is intelligent and could do so well but he is so unfocussed, distracted, silly, chatty and slow to get down to work.
We make him work here at home and have put everything into action to support him, including revision skills etc. etc.

There is just not anything more we can (and want to) do.

We feel he is now at an age that parental control needs to be withdrawn bit by bit, so that he can take on responsibility for himself. But these monthly reports send us all into some sort of depression and tears.

DS is tearful and upset as he always thinks that he is improving and DH and me are depressed as we have done so so much for him in the past to support him and can not do much more.

We are tempted not to look at these reports any more because there is nothing we can do anyway and it is all so depressing but on the other hand it feels slightly irresponsible.

On the positive side DS is a loving, very humorous, kind and helpful boy. We feel we cannot really enjoy these beautiful sides of him because of his depressing under-achievement at school that gets rubbed into our faces every four weeks.

DS has high ambitions and wants to study some scientific topic like physics or chemistry at university but from how he is at school at the moment there is nowhere in the world he could get there. He will be lucky if he gets into sixth form at all.

What do you think? Shall we look at these reports or give him the responsibility to get on with it himself.

yes, we looked at depth into the route of not going into sixth form but he does not want to do this. We are an academic family, everybody in the wider family has gone to university, so we always assumed that our much loved single child who always got lots of support would do this as well.

This^

Could he be rebelling against the pressure placed on him as the only child.

Perhaps the lots of support has become something of a crutch where he hasn't needed to do what's required for himself.

I think it's time for tough love, at 15 he is old enough to realise it's up to him to succeed and I would tell him so. Give him a chance to work it out for himself.

The reading lots of books makes me think of the saying " get lost in a book". It's escapism, getting away from the pressure he's under.

You and your DH could "support" him until you collapse with frustration or you could give him the chance to grow up and realise there are consequences to his actions. If he fails, well then he will learn a valuable lesson in life, you only get out what you put in.

I am on my 3rd 15yr old son so do have some experience.

Hi, your DS sounds just like our 16yr old girl!

She swings between disinterest and blind panic about her forthcoming exams. Failing in her prelims didn't help she just believes she'll get away with it.

Have you thought of looking at a few university courses with him? If there are some that interest him you can look at the entrance qualifications and maybe that'll be enough to jolt him into action? The message he needs to give himself options was one that worked well with my son.

FWIW I don't think you've done a bad job so far, he sounds like an alright kid!

I'm sorry, but I think 15 and year 10 is too young to expect him to be self-motivated with regard to school work. Some dc will be, but most not, in my experience!

That didn't happen with my ds1 and 2 until just before GCSEs with one (he was incredibly lucky, and could cram at the last minute) and lower sixth with the other (got lower than predicted GCSE grades, but really engaged in 6th form).

Keep plugging away. I think now is the wrong time to focus on him taking responsibility for himself. That will happen eventually and I would continue with your support to get him through GCSEs, maybe concentrating on the subjects which he is going to need to support his future ambitions - Maths, English, Sciences. If he gets enough GCSEs to study the A Levels he wants (if he does want), and in the right subjects, one or two fewer GCSEs won't make much difference in the long run.

thanks, guys.
some of you have noted, that DS sounds like a lovely boy - that really means a lot to me. Sometimes you forget to look at what is RIGHT with your child, when so much seems to be wrong.

Yes, we are looking at various university courses now to open DS' eyes that there are more options than being a scientist.

It is very hard to find the right line between discouraging him in his dreams and getting him to be realistic.

(I must think of X-factor, where these atrocious people audition and Simon Cowell then says to the parents, 'I am blaming YOU for encouraging them!' LOLLLL - so funny!!!)

MrsRuffDiamond
yes, I agree with you. I now understand that I am actually INCAPABLE to let him get on with it himself and possibly fail. I would not even know how to relate to him and I also would feel depressed. So, after discussing this at length here on this thread, I am certain that I will keep pushing him and supporting him until he hopefully turns a corner.

He's done a whole GCSE exam every morning during the half-term with his dad and he has achieved 2 B and 1 C. Given that he still has another year to improve on that I think the situation does not look as dire as the reports make it out to be.