Monthly school reports are depressing us

[uiopw]

DS 15 is in year ten and school is sending monthly reports, which are so depressing.
Teacher after teacher are saying that he is intelligent and could do so well but he is so unfocussed, distracted, silly, chatty and slow to get down to work.
We make him work here at home and have put everything into action to support him, including revision skills etc. etc.

There is just not anything more we can (and want to) do.

We feel he is now at an age that parental control needs to be withdrawn bit by bit, so that he can take on responsibility for himself. But these monthly reports send us all into some sort of depression and tears.

DS is tearful and upset as he always thinks that he is improving and DH and me are depressed as we have done so so much for him in the past to support him and can not do much more.

We are tempted not to look at these reports any more because there is nothing we can do anyway and it is all so depressing but on the other hand it feels slightly irresponsible.

On the positive side DS is a loving, very humorous, kind and helpful boy. We feel we cannot really enjoy these beautiful sides of him because of his depressing under-achievement at school that gets rubbed into our faces every four weeks.

DS has high ambitions and wants to study some scientific topic like physics or chemistry at university but from how he is at school at the moment there is nowhere in the world he could get there. He will be lucky if he gets into sixth form at all.

What do you think? Shall we look at these reports or give him the responsibility to get on with it himself.

I agree with other posters about getting the best set of GCSE results possible - my DD is in year 13 and it really does matter when applying for universities.

I should also add that for Physics, Chemistry and Maths A levels, ideally your DS would need at least a comfortable A in order to cope with the courses (I don't know about ICT A level). The difference between having a B at GCSE and so be able to be accepted onto the course, and actually being able to cope with the concepts and high level of difficulty when he is doing the courses are two very different things. These subjects are very challenging for even the top students at A level, and the background at GCSE is essential as a foundation for the AS level. My DD achieved all A*/A at GCSE but has found A levels (Physics, Chemistry, Maths and Biology) to be much more difficult and time-consuming.

Things are very different now than when we were at school - the syllabuses are more concerned with understanding and application and it all takes so much more effort and time than it did for us.

His bilingualism could be a sticking point- is English his second language, spoken at home etc?

Also, what sets is he in? Some middle sets (certainly all of mine) can be full of underachieving chatterboxes who just perpetuate the problem! Could a move up as an incentive be a motivator?

I think that from your comments about lifestyle you just don't expect your DS to have to work hard. My DCs are 22,20 and 17, DD1 has just finished university, DD2 is currently at university and DS is in year 12. Over the last 7 years there has always been someone who had an exams coming up and couldn't join in the family 'fun' but that's just the way it is if you want to do well. If you are studying for GCSEs/ A levels/ Degree sometimes you have to get your head down and get on with the work and put the effort in.

Dd was in a sense in a similar situation at the end of secondary, getting far fewer good GCSE's than might have been expected, though in her case it was illness and disability that put a spanner in the works.

She is now in her first year of sixth form and has had to accept that she simply has to work very, very hard to catch up with where she ought to be. It's either that or accept that certain avenues will be closed to her.

Of course it's unfair, she knows it, I know it. But I can't give her those A-levels on a plate: either she chooses to do the work or she misses out. All I can do is to be realistic about the whole thing. And to be fair, even her friends who have not had her bad start are still finding they have to do a lot of work in sixth form.

I'm finding any time I spend feeling sorry for her or ranting against fate is just so much time wasted. It has taken her some time to accept that she won't get any preferential treatment and that having great brains is no substitute for doing the work. The hardest thing has been for me to accept that this is how things are: either she gets on with it or she doesn't.

As dd is primarily aiming at performative arts, she also needs to spend time on rehearsals and performances on top of the school day: she often ends up doing a 13 hour day or more, once you've added in travel time and hanging around rehearsal rooms. As a family, we find it does impact on our time together; she is often either away or too tired to join in. But this is a choice she has made and we support that.

uiopw - I could have written all this myself.

My DS 14, year 9 is just the same as yours, single child and also bilingual. Unbelievably lazy but bright, we literally have had to revise for every test with him and then test him. He will then get perfect marks and be so pleased with himself and then we back off just a bit....see if he can revise on his own and the cycle returns. He drops down to a C or even fails so we have to start again, spoon feeding him. He has been like this for all his schooling and we think every year he will click that hard work means great grades. We are still waiting!

But, this year he also lost confidence in sports (like yours) and a blood test revealed that he has very low iron, ferritin and Hb levels. He had started a massive growth spurt and then seemed to stop at this stage. His ferritin levels are so low that he has had to be signed off all sport as he has no energy at all. He has mentioned that he hasn't been able to concentrate in class for months and anaemia can cause this.

He admits he can't concentrate in class because being bi-lingual and learning other languages, he is constantly translating back and forth in his head he says. Therefore he misses vital information, like homework, test dates etc

So, I am not sure I can give you any advice but I have read all these pages avidly to see if there is anything else we can be doing. There is some good advice on here. We have come to conclusion that our "bright" son is not academic, he won't be going to a RG uni and doing a rigorous academic subject - unless of course he changes which might still happen as I hear from friends that lots of boys become suddenly motivated just before GCSEs.

Lots of posters have commented that in year 10, as your DS, students have to revise more than an hour a night. I really don't agree with this. I have older children who left home quite a while ago and they were not doing any more than an hour a day maximum, sometimes less than this. I think the clue is that they concentrated more in class and perhaps this is where my DS has problems and maybe yours too.

Current Y10 will not be doing AS levels so the only external exams the universities will have to go on will be the GCSEs.

They will look at those and the predicted grades in order to select students.

Beth, interested in what your ds says about translating back in his head. Why do you think he is doing that- ime that is not how most bilinguals work. Is his English not very good? Or do you think it might just be a habit he has got into that he could be encouraged to kick?

Speaking as a(n almost) bilingual I started thinking in English very early and as far as I am aware that's how all my foreign colleagues cope too; there just wouldn't be the time otherwise.

Generally speaking, the groups who outperform their peers in the British education system are Indian and Chinese students, many of whom are bilingual. I assume they can't all go through the laborious process of translating in their heads.

Beth and all
Ds's first language is English and I have read that being bilingual is actually activating your brain. It really should not be a problem given that there are so many countries in the world where everybody is bilingual as a matter of course.

I kind of wished I could revise with my Ds like you, Beth, but that is not possible because DS gets very angry and stroppy if I point out any mistakes. There is such pride and ego in him that he cannot take the slightest criticism. I blame the molly-coddling school system for that a bit, actually. It is so geared to nurturing (the girls!) that the boys who would need a bit of stick and being shouted at (figuratively speaking) are losing out.

But I agree with cory, you need to work with what you've got and not waste time to moan about the 'unfairness of it all'. (I am quite good at not doing that, actually)

DS's tutor has come back to me and DS will be put on report for 6 weeks after the next half-term. If this brings something I will try to get that extended as soon as he falls back.

Thanks also for giving me ammunition for why you have to be good at everything in your GCSE's.

I also think that DS has an issue with anything that he has to learn by heart - as if that is beneath him. I will crack down on that from now on - and he will only get money for his revision if he can prove that he has actually learnt things properly.

Cory/uiopw - my DS doesn't translate everything back and forth in his head, only sometimes, which slows him down. My DS is at school in his second language and he definitely doesn't have the full terminology in his second language, only his first. I think this is common so I wondered if this was the case in uiopw's DS but he is at school in his first language.

Uiopw - I have noticed too that I have to be careful with DS's ego and I really don't criticise him much if I can help it as we get tantrums and tears if we go too far. We have tried money as a bribe and it has got us nowhere tbh. The only thing that works is if he does his homework, revises, hopefully tested a bit, then he can play Minecraft. That seems to work.

I read once on a thread similar to yours that once boys know exactly what they want to do in life, have a plan and a goal, then they seem to kick into gear and work. In my mind it is impossible to know what you want to do aged 15, both my oldest children are in good jobs now but they are doing opposite things that they were interested in at 15/16/17/18.

I totally agree with monikar's points. Getting onto an A level course with only a B because the student had a head cold on the day of the GCSE is massively different from a student who got a B because they had mucked around for 2 years.

Sciences and maths are all subjects which build on prior thorough understanding.

My DS is 15, definitely mid-table so far as academic results are concerned. Very much like the OP's son. The big difference is that he does know what he wants to do - he wants to join the Army. To do what he wants he will need GCSE passes in maths, English & dual science. The ambition to join the Army has been a huge motivator.

My son got the raft of A's at GCSE without much work. Went into AS thinking he could do it all - but also discovered girls and alcohol. We had a nightmare year of him being close to uncontrollable and of course completely falling off a cliff academically he got BCDD. He now has understood that there are consequences to actions ! He can t even think about applying for medicine - which was his aim- but is now determined to get to uni, and do medicine post grad. He has his nose to the grindstone and working hard.
I just wanted to say to the OP that at sometime The link between work and results will kick in. Until then all you can do is try to keep him as focussed as possible and keep pushing.
I would also echo many other posters that A levels in science are a huge step up from GCSE s - son doing Chem, Bio, Physics, Psychology. Chem and Physics have been a particular challenge.
Good luck.

I think it sounds like too much work at home, and not active or engaging enough. Could you try online quizzes, making presentations and flashcards - help him to engage at home, enjoy his work more, he might then engage more in school. And tell him if he lets you help him find some more active ways of learning and focusses more in school, he can cut back a bit on the hours? He sounds bright - once he is properly engaged I think he could learn quickly. Try and be positive - if he does a bit on an online vocab tester or something, big it up. I have a ds his age and a dd in yr 13 and would try to relax a bit, as you have a way to go, your ds sounds lovely, and it is quality of work that is most important, not the hours it takes.

thanks to all for your good advice. I am positive again - this thread has got me out of my depressive slump and I have lined a number of intervention that I will try out with DS.

I also made DS sign a piece of paper in which he 'humbly' asks for my help and promises to be like dough in my hands ready to be 'kneaded'. (Did I mention that we have a really fun and banter relationship :))

Oh my, I am having such similar problems having just received DS full report for half term end. I so empathise with you. I have cried, been angry and felt defeated all weekend. The worse thing, even the the headmaster has written at the bottom of the report saying that it is not good enough. DS is also an only - not sure whether this has made any difference but itis still interesting to note. I noticed that Changes started in year 8 and have not improved, keep blaming the hormones but that can only be a part of the cause of his unfocussed behaviour. DS is lovely [at most times at home] but also arrogant. He is away on school trip this week. His dad is away for the w/e so has not seen the report. He will hit the roof as before, but it is clear to me that this solves nothing. I really do not have the answers. All I can say is, the school is onto him and have said they will offer support, He is currently on report; he excels is some subjects [consistently] but under-performs in others where he should excel [art and music]. All he really wants to do is watch films on his laptop, meet his friends every Saturday afternoon , play PS4. I am not popular as I am the one constantly reminding him to do his home work, practise his piano, even brush his bloody teeth, He is 14 soon, its ridiculous. I work so cannot be there standing over him every tea time, and his father leaves him to get on with it without checking the standard etc of his work, so when I get home , knackered I have to do this and sometimes find that he has not even started some of the homework by 7.30 pm. Hence a struggle and tension for the rest of the evening.

Daft as it sounds, your message really helped. I thought I was the only one going through these emotions. For the past year and half,I have felt that I have failed miserably as a parent. I see other mothers exacting the kind of standards and aspirations I want for my DS but they succeed where I seem to falter. Like you, I believe it has to come from DS. WE cannot be there all the time, nor should we want to. I have to find a way to get this message through to DS. He says he will switch off and do the opposite if I continue to nag him. This is not good, and is a lousy attitude as the main person he is harming is himself but he is still too young to see this as is your son. I have resolved to keep the pressure on, be matter of fact, get the teachers on side, and withdraw his social rewards if we don't see an improvement,. Its going to be so hard, but the alternative is unthinkable. You have looked at the options and know that your DS is capable of much more. I wish you all the best but don't beat yourselves up about it. Keep up the effort, and at least you know that you did your best whatever the outcome. He may be just one of those people that will come to realise later, and then take on the challenge when older to get to university. That's ok too, and he seems genuinely interested in the sciences. Remember, lots of worker bees out there, and he may just be one of those people with real genius to do exceptionally well in his own way and time. It is still year 10 and as the teacher commented, boys are pragmatic, and they will get going in year 11.

If anyone wants a cheering story: when we cleared out grandma's house we found dh's school reports. Grandma had always led us to believe that he was such a good, hardworking, clever boy, but- oh dear, oh dear!

Term after term of teachers in all different subjects trying to hammer home the fact that dh-to-be simply wasn't doing the work. No reason for it, he was a happy enough boy, in a good school which he liked, not bullied or unhappy with the teaching. There genuinely doesn't seem to have been a reason for it beyond teen brain-fluffiness. Yet he pulled himself together in the end and got a good degree from UCL.

I don't know if it would have helped if his mother had realised what was going on instead of being blissfully oblivious. What made all the difference was the eventually he realised what was going on and did something about it.

Have you thought of getting a tutor for his key subjects? This need only be for an hour or so a week. It would be fairly expensive but short term and it could make all the difference.
Some years ago I did English tuition for two children. The family had come from Hong Kong for the dc education. Both were at independent schools. Both had tuition every day and for 4 hours a day weekends and holidays. They worked, including homework, from 6 till 9 every evening. It was far far too much. There were 6 tutors in all and the family set up regular meetings with us to assess the dc progress. Both eventually went to university to study medicine, both admitted they would not have worked so hard without tuition.
Now that was far far too much (at one point the girl ran away) but a bit of tuition would benefit your son very much indeed.

Monkey, your post made me laugh (sorry!) - it's just that we can really shake hands. Everything you wrote me nod!

I am not really beating myself up about this. I do know that every child is born with very different personalities. But what annoys me is that I do get NO appreciation from family and friends, even though I feel I had to work double as hard to get my DS to be half as good as their 'super' children. (Did you spot any envy? You are not wrong - lol)

We as parents have a peer group too, and I will admit that it did hurt my pride that DS did not measure up. However, I am getting round and have told everybody exactly how it is. So, there is no pride to hurt anymore.

I do try to focus on DS nice sides - he really gets lovely and lovely. Yesterday he had a little strop and tried to lock himself in the conservatory. Later we laughed about it so much...he has such great self-deprecating humour. Today he is working with his dad on our muddy land - shovelling mud for hours - no strop, no playing (allright - a little of messing around). DS never was like this - I always loved him dearly when he was younger but his personality was actually not that nice. He was bossy, impatient and stroppy. Now he becomes more and more a joy to have around.

Can you try to focus on something positive with your DS and tell him? It might ease the tensions.

goodness, gracious me - all the missing words and spelling mistakes! Maybe I have dylexia, too!

DYSLEXIA!!! (what is wrong with me?)

Cory, thanks for that story. My DH was like that a bit too and my sister and I think my dad to some extend. It is the thread of hope that I am holding onto.

I have now set up 2 hours of homework with DS every day but the result is that he regressed more and more and I became a bit like a hawk watching over him - not good.

We have now looked at other and easier options for his sixth form and have found a number of topics that DS may want to study. We'll see what happens.

the greylaydy,
DS had lot's of tuition on and off but it made no difference. The problem is that deep down he can't be bothered. Last week he admitted to me that he does not write more in his geography test because he does not like the teacher.

The teacher is fine - he just talks rather 'teacher-ish' to the students and DS in his glory can't stand that. After all, he is an unrecognised genius and does not need to be lectured in this way, does he now!

Uiopw thanks, it has been so helpful and humbling for all of these responses. I may just have to start saying how it is. Feel as though I built us up just to fall harder . When people ask about DS now I just want to change subjects. Not great but eats hope it improves. Best wishes

Has your DS ever been assessed for attention deficit disorders? A bright child that is not reaching their potential, finds it difficult to self-start, procrastinates, gets easily distracted and off task would be ringing some alarm bells for me.

Monthly reports? Ouch! Wouldn't want to be those teachers… Anyway I'd say give him the responsibility - if he wants to do well he needs to learn to work for it.