Monthly school reports are depressing us

[uiopw]

DS 15 is in year ten and school is sending monthly reports, which are so depressing.
Teacher after teacher are saying that he is intelligent and could do so well but he is so unfocussed, distracted, silly, chatty and slow to get down to work.
We make him work here at home and have put everything into action to support him, including revision skills etc. etc.

There is just not anything more we can (and want to) do.

We feel he is now at an age that parental control needs to be withdrawn bit by bit, so that he can take on responsibility for himself. But these monthly reports send us all into some sort of depression and tears.

DS is tearful and upset as he always thinks that he is improving and DH and me are depressed as we have done so so much for him in the past to support him and can not do much more.

We are tempted not to look at these reports any more because there is nothing we can do anyway and it is all so depressing but on the other hand it feels slightly irresponsible.

On the positive side DS is a loving, very humorous, kind and helpful boy. We feel we cannot really enjoy these beautiful sides of him because of his depressing under-achievement at school that gets rubbed into our faces every four weeks.

DS has high ambitions and wants to study some scientific topic like physics or chemistry at university but from how he is at school at the moment there is nowhere in the world he could get there. He will be lucky if he gets into sixth form at all.

What do you think? Shall we look at these reports or give him the responsibility to get on with it himself.

[uiopw]

MrsRuffDiamond
yes, I agree with you. I now understand that I am actually INCAPABLE to let him get on with it himself and possibly fail. I would not even know how to relate to him and I also would feel depressed. So, after discussing this at length here on this thread, I am certain that I will keep pushing him and supporting him until he hopefully turns a corner.

He's done a whole GCSE exam every morning during the half-term with his dad and he has achieved 2 B and 1 C. Given that he still has another year to improve on that I think the situation does not look as dire as the reports make it out to be.

[uiopw]

thanks, guys.
some of you have noted, that DS sounds like a lovely boy - that really means a lot to me. Sometimes you forget to look at what is RIGHT with your child, when so much seems to be wrong.

Yes, we are looking at various university courses now to open DS' eyes that there are more options than being a scientist.

It is very hard to find the right line between discouraging him in his dreams and getting him to be realistic.

(I must think of X-factor, where these atrocious people audition and Simon Cowell then says to the parents, 'I am blaming YOU for encouraging them!' LOLLLL - so funny!!!)

[MrsRuffdiamond]

I'm sorry, but I think 15 and year 10 is too young to expect him to be self-motivated with regard to school work. Some dc will be, but most not, in my experience!

That didn't happen with my ds1 and 2 until just before GCSEs with one (he was incredibly lucky, and could cram at the last minute) and lower sixth with the other (got lower than predicted GCSE grades, but really engaged in 6th form).

Keep plugging away. I think now is the wrong time to focus on him taking responsibility for himself. That will happen eventually and I would continue with your support to get him through GCSEs, maybe concentrating on the subjects which he is going to need to support his future ambitions - Maths, English, Sciences. If he gets enough GCSEs to study the A Levels he wants (if he does want), and in the right subjects, one or two fewer GCSEs won't make much difference in the long run.

[BuzzLightbulb]

Hi, your DS sounds just like our 16yr old girl!

She swings between disinterest and blind panic about her forthcoming exams. Failing in her prelims didn't help she just believes she'll get away with it.

Have you thought of looking at a few university courses with him? If there are some that interest him you can look at the entrance qualifications and maybe that'll be enough to jolt him into action? The message he needs to give himself options was one that worked well with my son.

FWIW I don't think you've done a bad job so far, he sounds like an alright kid!

[MrsBennetsEldest]

yes, we looked at depth into the route of not going into sixth form but he does not want to do this. We are an academic family, everybody in the wider family has gone to university, so we always assumed that our much loved single child who always got lots of support would do this as well.

This^

Could he be rebelling against the pressure placed on him as the only child.

Perhaps the lots of support has become something of a crutch where he hasn't needed to do what's required for himself.

I think it's time for tough love, at 15 he is old enough to realise it's up to him to succeed and I would tell him so. Give him a chance to work it out for himself.

The reading lots of books makes me think of the saying " get lost in a book". It's escapism, getting away from the pressure he's under.

You and your DH could "support" him until you collapse with frustration or you could give him the chance to grow up and realise there are consequences to his actions. If he fails, well then he will learn a valuable lesson in life, you only get out what you put in.

I am on my 3rd 15yr old son so do have some experience.

[moonshinestar2]

Monthly reports? Ouch! Wouldn't want to be those teachers… Anyway I'd say give him the responsibility - if he wants to do well he needs to learn to work for it.

[ThePost]

Has your DS ever been assessed for attention deficit disorders? A bright child that is not reaching their potential, finds it difficult to self-start, procrastinates, gets easily distracted and off task would be ringing some alarm bells for me.

[monkey36]

Uiopw thanks, it has been so helpful and humbling for all of these responses. I may just have to start saying how it is. Feel as though I built us up just to fall harder . When people ask about DS now I just want to change subjects. Not great but eats hope it improves. Best wishes

[uiopw]

the greylaydy,
DS had lot's of tuition on and off but it made no difference. The problem is that deep down he can't be bothered. Last week he admitted to me that he does not write more in his geography test because he does not like the teacher.

The teacher is fine - he just talks rather 'teacher-ish' to the students and DS in his glory can't stand that. After all, he is an unrecognised genius and does not need to be lectured in this way, does he now!

[uiopw]

Cory, thanks for that story. My DH was like that a bit too and my sister and I think my dad to some extend. It is the thread of hope that I am holding onto.

I have now set up 2 hours of homework with DS every day but the result is that he regressed more and more and I became a bit like a hawk watching over him - not good.

We have now looked at other and easier options for his sixth form and have found a number of topics that DS may want to study. We'll see what happens.

[uiopw]

DYSLEXIA!!! (what is wrong with me?)

[uiopw]

goodness, gracious me - all the missing words and spelling mistakes! Maybe I have dylexia, too!

[uiopw]

Monkey, your post made me laugh (sorry!) - it's just that we can really shake hands. Everything you wrote me nod!

I am not really beating myself up about this. I do know that every child is born with very different personalities. But what annoys me is that I do get NO appreciation from family and friends, even though I feel I had to work double as hard to get my DS to be half as good as their 'super' children. (Did you spot any envy? You are not wrong - lol)

We as parents have a peer group too, and I will admit that it did hurt my pride that DS did not measure up. However, I am getting round and have told everybody exactly how it is. So, there is no pride to hurt anymore.

I do try to focus on DS nice sides - he really gets lovely and lovely. Yesterday he had a little strop and tried to lock himself in the conservatory. Later we laughed about it so much...he has such great self-deprecating humour. Today he is working with his dad on our muddy land - shovelling mud for hours - no strop, no playing (allright - a little of messing around). DS never was like this - I always loved him dearly when he was younger but his personality was actually not that nice. He was bossy, impatient and stroppy. Now he becomes more and more a joy to have around.

Can you try to focus on something positive with your DS and tell him? It might ease the tensions.

[thegreylady]

Have you thought of getting a tutor for his key subjects? This need only be for an hour or so a week. It would be fairly expensive but short term and it could make all the difference.
Some years ago I did English tuition for two children. The family had come from Hong Kong for the dc education. Both were at independent schools. Both had tuition every day and for 4 hours a day weekends and holidays. They worked, including homework, from 6 till 9 every evening. It was far far too much. There were 6 tutors in all and the family set up regular meetings with us to assess the dc progress. Both eventually went to university to study medicine, both admitted they would not have worked so hard without tuition.
Now that was far far too much (at one point the girl ran away) but a bit of tuition would benefit your son very much indeed.

[cory]

If anyone wants a cheering story: when we cleared out grandma's house we found dh's school reports. Grandma had always led us to believe that he was such a good, hardworking, clever boy, but- oh dear, oh dear!

Term after term of teachers in all different subjects trying to hammer home the fact that dh-to-be simply wasn't doing the work. No reason for it, he was a happy enough boy, in a good school which he liked, not bullied or unhappy with the teaching. There genuinely doesn't seem to have been a reason for it beyond teen brain-fluffiness. Yet he pulled himself together in the end and got a good degree from UCL.

I don't know if it would have helped if his mother had realised what was going on instead of being blissfully oblivious. What made all the difference was the eventually he realised what was going on and did something about it.

[monkey36]

Oh my, I am having such similar problems having just received DS full report for half term end. I so empathise with you. I have cried, been angry and felt defeated all weekend. The worse thing, even the the headmaster has written at the bottom of the report saying that it is not good enough. DS is also an only - not sure whether this has made any difference but itis still interesting to note. I noticed that Changes started in year 8 and have not improved, keep blaming the hormones but that can only be a part of the cause of his unfocussed behaviour. DS is lovely [at most times at home] but also arrogant. He is away on school trip this week. His dad is away for the w/e so has not seen the report. He will hit the roof as before, but it is clear to me that this solves nothing. I really do not have the answers. All I can say is, the school is onto him and have said they will offer support, He is currently on report; he excels is some subjects [consistently] but under-performs in others where he should excel [art and music]. All he really wants to do is watch films on his laptop, meet his friends every Saturday afternoon , play PS4. I am not popular as I am the one constantly reminding him to do his home work, practise his piano, even brush his bloody teeth, He is 14 soon, its ridiculous. I work so cannot be there standing over him every tea time, and his father leaves him to get on with it without checking the standard etc of his work, so when I get home , knackered I have to do this and sometimes find that he has not even started some of the homework by 7.30 pm. Hence a struggle and tension for the rest of the evening.

Daft as it sounds, your message really helped. I thought I was the only one going through these emotions. For the past year and half,I have felt that I have failed miserably as a parent. I see other mothers exacting the kind of standards and aspirations I want for my DS but they succeed where I seem to falter. Like you, I believe it has to come from DS. WE cannot be there all the time, nor should we want to. I have to find a way to get this message through to DS. He says he will switch off and do the opposite if I continue to nag him. This is not good, and is a lousy attitude as the main person he is harming is himself but he is still too young to see this as is your son. I have resolved to keep the pressure on, be matter of fact, get the teachers on side, and withdraw his social rewards if we don't see an improvement,. Its going to be so hard, but the alternative is unthinkable. You have looked at the options and know that your DS is capable of much more. I wish you all the best but don't beat yourselves up about it. Keep up the effort, and at least you know that you did your best whatever the outcome. He may be just one of those people that will come to realise later, and then take on the challenge when older to get to university. That's ok too, and he seems genuinely interested in the sciences. Remember, lots of worker bees out there, and he may just be one of those people with real genius to do exceptionally well in his own way and time. It is still year 10 and as the teacher commented, boys are pragmatic, and they will get going in year 11.

[uiopw]

thanks to all for your good advice. I am positive again - this thread has got me out of my depressive slump and I have lined a number of intervention that I will try out with DS.

I also made DS sign a piece of paper in which he 'humbly' asks for my help and promises to be like dough in my hands ready to be 'kneaded'. (Did I mention that we have a really fun and banter relationship :))

[lalsy]

I think it sounds like too much work at home, and not active or engaging enough. Could you try online quizzes, making presentations and flashcards - help him to engage at home, enjoy his work more, he might then engage more in school. And tell him if he lets you help him find some more active ways of learning and focusses more in school, he can cut back a bit on the hours? He sounds bright - once he is properly engaged I think he could learn quickly. Try and be positive - if he does a bit on an online vocab tester or something, big it up. I have a ds his age and a dd in yr 13 and would try to relax a bit, as you have a way to go, your ds sounds lovely, and it is quality of work that is most important, not the hours it takes.

[Kazzyv]

My son got the raft of A's at GCSE without much work. Went into AS thinking he could do it all - but also discovered girls and alcohol. We had a nightmare year of him being close to uncontrollable and of course completely falling off a cliff academically he got BCDD. He now has understood that there are consequences to actions ! He can t even think about applying for medicine - which was his aim- but is now determined to get to uni, and do medicine post grad. He has his nose to the grindstone and working hard.
I just wanted to say to the OP that at sometime The link between work and results will kick in. Until then all you can do is try to keep him as focussed as possible and keep pushing.
I would also echo many other posters that A levels in science are a huge step up from GCSE s - son doing Chem, Bio, Physics, Psychology. Chem and Physics have been a particular challenge.
Good luck.

[WorrySighWorrySigh]

My DS is 15, definitely mid-table so far as academic results are concerned. Very much like the OP's son. The big difference is that he does know what he wants to do - he wants to join the Army. To do what he wants he will need GCSE passes in maths, English & dual science. The ambition to join the Army has been a huge motivator.

[WorrySighWorrySigh]

I totally agree with monikar's points. Getting onto an A level course with only a B because the student had a head cold on the day of the GCSE is massively different from a student who got a B because they had mucked around for 2 years.

Sciences and maths are all subjects which build on prior thorough understanding.

[BethGoLightly]

Cory/uiopw - my DS doesn't translate everything back and forth in his head, only sometimes, which slows him down. My DS is at school in his second language and he definitely doesn't have the full terminology in his second language, only his first. I think this is common so I wondered if this was the case in uiopw's DS but he is at school in his first language.

Uiopw - I have noticed too that I have to be careful with DS's ego and I really don't criticise him much if I can help it as we get tantrums and tears if we go too far. We have tried money as a bribe and it has got us nowhere tbh. The only thing that works is if he does his homework, revises, hopefully tested a bit, then he can play Minecraft. That seems to work.

I read once on a thread similar to yours that once boys know exactly what they want to do in life, have a plan and a goal, then they seem to kick into gear and work. In my mind it is impossible to know what you want to do aged 15, both my oldest children are in good jobs now but they are doing opposite things that they were interested in at 15/16/17/18.

[uiopw]

Beth and all
Ds's first language is English and I have read that being bilingual is actually activating your brain. It really should not be a problem given that there are so many countries in the world where everybody is bilingual as a matter of course.

I kind of wished I could revise with my Ds like you, Beth, but that is not possible because DS gets very angry and stroppy if I point out any mistakes. There is such pride and ego in him that he cannot take the slightest criticism. I blame the molly-coddling school system for that a bit, actually. It is so geared to nurturing (the girls!) that the boys who would need a bit of stick and being shouted at (figuratively speaking) are losing out.

But I agree with cory, you need to work with what you've got and not waste time to moan about the 'unfairness of it all'. (I am quite good at not doing that, actually)

DS's tutor has come back to me and DS will be put on report for 6 weeks after the next half-term. If this brings something I will try to get that extended as soon as he falls back.

Thanks also for giving me ammunition for why you have to be good at everything in your GCSE's.

I also think that DS has an issue with anything that he has to learn by heart - as if that is beneath him. I will crack down on that from now on - and he will only get money for his revision if he can prove that he has actually learnt things properly.

[cory]

Beth, interested in what your ds says about translating back in his head. Why do you think he is doing that- ime that is not how most bilinguals work. Is his English not very good? Or do you think it might just be a habit he has got into that he could be encouraged to kick?

Speaking as a(n almost) bilingual I started thinking in English very early and as far as I am aware that's how all my foreign colleagues cope too; there just wouldn't be the time otherwise.

Generally speaking, the groups who outperform their peers in the British education system are Indian and Chinese students, many of whom are bilingual. I assume they can't all go through the laborious process of translating in their heads.

[Cerisier]

Current Y10 will not be doing AS levels so the only external exams the universities will have to go on will be the GCSEs.

They will look at those and the predicted grades in order to select students.