Monthly school reports are depressing us

[uiopw]

DS 15 is in year ten and school is sending monthly reports, which are so depressing.
Teacher after teacher are saying that he is intelligent and could do so well but he is so unfocussed, distracted, silly, chatty and slow to get down to work.
We make him work here at home and have put everything into action to support him, including revision skills etc. etc.

There is just not anything more we can (and want to) do.

We feel he is now at an age that parental control needs to be withdrawn bit by bit, so that he can take on responsibility for himself. But these monthly reports send us all into some sort of depression and tears.

DS is tearful and upset as he always thinks that he is improving and DH and me are depressed as we have done so so much for him in the past to support him and can not do much more.

We are tempted not to look at these reports any more because there is nothing we can do anyway and it is all so depressing but on the other hand it feels slightly irresponsible.

On the positive side DS is a loving, very humorous, kind and helpful boy. We feel we cannot really enjoy these beautiful sides of him because of his depressing under-achievement at school that gets rubbed into our faces every four weeks.

DS has high ambitions and wants to study some scientific topic like physics or chemistry at university but from how he is at school at the moment there is nowhere in the world he could get there. He will be lucky if he gets into sixth form at all.

What do you think? Shall we look at these reports or give him the responsibility to get on with it himself.

just a slightly different suggestion. quite a few teens(like one of mine) are diagnosed at around 14/15 with slight learning difficulties - memory processing, dyslexia etc, missed by schools if their school performance is ok. It might be worth getting an ed psych report - in our case no teachers spotted it at any stage, but short term memory processing skills really affected exam results and confidence but with different learning approaches in place and extra times for exams etc, it has really helped. .

I would feel totally unqualified to say what you could do about boredom but I wonder if it's worth exploring with school? Perhaps they could find a way of stretching him that's relevant to the curriculum and will help get him on board with it? Or perhaps tutoring could be more tailored?

To me it sounds like you are already doing a lot to make him work but it's having little impact so I'm not sure more of the same will help. But I am clueless about teenagers and don't know your DS.

Sorry OP, I really didn't mean to stress you further. I can see you run a tight ship and do an awful lot already. It just seems to me from your posts that the problem is at school, and I'm wondering whether there is something in that environment that causes him to shut down in a way. I have a noise sensitivity problem and I actually had to leave a job once after they introduced open-plan offices. My productivity and performance evaluations took a sharp turn for the worse. It wasn't that I had suddenly become lazy or stupid, my brain just couldn't take the overload. I tried hard and it was extremely demoralising. So… I'm merely wondering whether a calmer environment might help your son's concentration? He seems intelligent and could probably do the work in less time at home, and there would still be enough time for reading for pleasure.

He doesn't have to revise with his class notes. Get a copy of his syllabuses (download online) & get some text books/revision books & revise with the syllabus & books.

I already do that with my year 7 son (who is bright but lazy & unorganised when it comes to school work). It works well for him.

You have to be clear about his capabilities though. I spent too many years reaching retake kids whose parents wanted them to read medicine - it was never going to happen. They were great kids, capable of a good set of grades but they were never going to get the A's needed for medicine. Sometimes because they didn't have that sort of memory & sometimes because they were incapable of applying themselves - imo that's harder to deal with! Have you got a clear indication from school of your son's abilities? I'd say meet at school to get that first of all then tackle his grades. There's nothing really to stop him doing the work at home using syllabus & books if he's bright enough to get the grades, but he will need to focus.

He sounds immature (& I don't mean that particularly negatively- just that he's not necessarily going to be making the link between application & results yet) so I would continue to sit on him if the results are hugely important. The alternative is to find something he's motivated by, but that sounds a harder call!

I wonder also if over the years he has heard the 'bright but lazy' type comments and has been quite happy to go along with these. No need to try as everybody thinks he is bright anyway. Why try and risk failure?

Does he have any activities outside of school? Any sport or something like cadets? One of the things I have seen with cadets (my 15 year old DS is a member) is that they really 'get' teenage boys. They understand that they arent grown up yet so need to be reminded of really quite basic things. They are very good at getting the 'stand back' teens to step up and also to knock some of the silliness out of the silly ones.

Ginnifer
yes, he has a noise problem and is extremely easily distracted - well spotted! He sometimes complains that he can't work in the kitchen because the fridge hums or the aquarium. And at night he can't sleep because of the wind noises.

But what can you do about this?

Home schooling is really not an option (aside from my tears). My dh and me both have businesses to run and even though we are fairly intelligent we cannot teach him subjects like computer sciences.

Also, DS works well at home but as soon as either of us gets too involved in his teachings he gets extremely stroppy. He can not take the slightest criticism.

I have a friend whose son was like yours at 15. He was brightish but lazy. My friend gave him the choice to either knuckle down or get a job at 16 and he chose to get an engineering apprenticeship. He's now 17 and still loving his job and obviously loves earning money. Have you tried very calmly sitting him down and explaining to him that if he doesn't get his act together there is no point in even thinking about sixth form? You could even discuss what jobs he'd be interested in and qualified for at 16 and maybe think about work experience etc. Maybe this would be enough to shock him into really thinking about his future? I don't have a teenager (yet) but friends tell me that being calm and matter of fact (almost detached) in these situations is the key and sometimes they have to be allowed to fail before they really get the message.

If the monthly reports aren't helping and are just stressing you out, could you ask the school to stop sending them?

Juneau
how many hours do you consider adequate? He comes home at four, has an hour break and then works from 5 to 6. I myself would be totally spent after such a long day.

What he does is 50% homework from school and 50% revision from his revision books in writing. He always writes a whole page every day.

I myself have never worked that hard and I was an A* student. So it is difficult for me to empathise what is holding him back. All I can say is that I feel is intelligence is somewhat sporadic - sometimes extremely bright and other times he cannot do the simplest mental maths.

About the tutor: he had tutors on and off and it never made the slightest little bit of difference.

The overall feedback of almost every teacher in his last report is that he is clearly bright, has great potential and could achieve a lot but that he does not apply himself.

thecat,
yes, we looked at depth into the route of not going into sixth form but he does not want to do this. We are an academic family, everybody in the wider family has gone to university, so we always assumed that our much loved single child who always got lots of support would do this as well.

DS also assumed this and not doing it feels like a failure to him. We are coming round to the idea, it's not a disaster, isn't it. But I think DS is not - he says he's letting everybody down.

The thing is that DS is not really practical either, he excels at designing stuff on the computer like houses and machines. He also has a really good eye for astetically pleasing designs - he could do this already as a toddler. His brick houses were also perfectly symmetrical and could have been designed by adults. He has also a real interest in science.

He is in triple science in school, where only the brighter children are allowed. He got in because we pleaded with the teachers and he loves that and it is the only subjects that he is allright (b's and c's and one a).

worrysigh
I would love for DS to go to something outside school but he totally refuses to go to anything. Low confidence in sport is one reason. The other is that all he really wants to do is sitting in front of a computer gaming.

At 15 I was doing at least a couple of hours study every night. If you're doing, say eight subjects at GCSE, you're going to have homework and course work for several of those at any one time, so an hour not enough. And what's he doing after 6 - watching telly? Reading? I would think 2-3 hours of independent study every day is nearer the mark. Perhaps some others with 15-year-olds can help with this as it's been a rather long time since I was 15!

And I have to say OP, what you've said above you don't sound at all strict to me. You're frustrated, baffled and wishing your DS was more like you at the same age, but it sounds to me like any time you challenge him he throws a strop or starts crying and you back off, and that's become the pattern of your communications. Report card arrives, you and your DH are upset, he's upset, you all feel depressed and cry and throw up your hands in despair, the teachers do the same and your DS continues to head for NEET-dom at breakneck pace.

Do you think all the students getting A*s have parents who do this? Who tolerate one hour of homework and then allow their DC to do whatever they want with their evening because poor lambs must be tired? That is not how the world works - particularly the modern world. Your DS needs to toughen up a bit and apply himself. Crying isn't going to work on admissions tutors and prospective employers, so either you can prepare him for that or he's got a very nasty shock indeed awaiting him.

all he really wants to do is sitting in front of a computer gaming

Okay, now we're getting to the crux of why he's failing at school!

When my brother was in the sixth form he worked as a home work helper for a year 10 boy. He would go over there for an hour or so, 2 or 3 times a week. He wasn't a tutor as such, he would just help.
It worked for the kid he was tutoring really well, the mother was still in charge, she'd loosely supervise and would check it afterwards and was still making sure her son studied outside of those hours.
The son enjoyed it, my brother was 'cool' and there was a bit of 'prestige' in knowing a sixth former and the son really wanted to impress him. Plus he was a good example. They kept in touch when my brother went to uni etc.
Just an idea.

Can I ask why you would be consider yourself totally spent after the length of his schoolday?

Presumably he starts school around 9, finishes around 3.30 and then does an hour of homework? I make that a 7 hour day, assuming that he has half an hour off for lunch, otherwise a 6 1/2 hour day. That is slightly less than the kind of working day he would be looking at if he had a job. And far, far less than the day of any adult who first has to put the work in and then get home and run a household.

Most of his peers will be putting in more hours on homework, and many will do extra training or volunteering in the evenings on top of that.

I think part of the trouble is you are allowing this to get too emotional for him, by feeling helpless and sorry for him every time hegets emotional. What I would do is sit him down and say quite calmly:

"There is absolutely no shame in going to FE college and choosing a less academic route. It may also be possible to come back to an academic route later if you change your mind. But if you do want to go to university, then there is no way in the world that is going to happen without you working a good deal harder than you are doing at the moment. A-level courses have changed, universities have changed, these days you need to put in the hours. Your choice."

I agree with cory - why would you imagine he was going to be spent after that day? My year 7 does more homework than that some nights and does a tonne of extra curricular stuff as well (as well as some occasional paid work - yes it is legal). Ds3 (who is 9) doesn't do a huge amount in the evening, but he's 9 - he has the energy for things like swimming and music lessons though.

Ds2 (the year 7) would far rather be on the computer talking to friends on Skype than doing his homework, which is why he isn't allowed on until he has done all his homework properly (not rushed) and he has to come off an hour before bedtime as well (otherwise we end up in a fight).

I think if you think he is capable of higher grades & if he doesn't want to consider anything except A levels you need to get meaner with him. When he starts doing well he will become more motivated about school work (or at least seems to work with my lazy year 7). Otherwise you need to sit down and calmly talk about what he wants to do and how he is going to achieve it and look at alternatives to 6th form. I also know a bright boy who wouldn't/couldn't work who left school at 16 and is doing very well indeed in an apprenticeship - but he'll be expected to work harder in an apprenticeship than he is currently - and he would have exams and assessments there as well.

ds is in Year 11 and does about 2-3 hours' homework each evening, gets in at 4.30 ish and has about a 30min break then another for dinner. If he has high ambitions he needs to be told he has to work for them , bright or not. Why do you feel the need to make his revision easy , that is a skill he needs to learn for himself. Does the school offer study skills workshops ?

I would question two things - the amount of homework time, and the revision method. Two to three hours homework a night is much more realistic. And revision needs to be more active than just writing our a page of notes - certainly more active learning of key facts and practice questions.
If a tutor wouldn't work, what about week long revision sessions at dedicated exam/tutor centres?

uiopw You could more or less be describing my DS (except that he is now on 6th form having done GCSE's last Summer). He is bright, but lazy. Was constantly on and off 'report' at school, had very few legible notes in his school books, rarely did homework, did a fair amount of chatting in class etc.
He only got decent GCSE grades because I 'encouraged' him to revise from March onwards and bought a large selection of Revision guides from Amazon, as his notes were wholly inadequate. Even then, he would only 'read' the revision guides - actually getting him to put pen to paper and practice written questions was impossible. Fortunately, due to his good memory and the fact he is also bright, he came out with A's, although he was capable of higher.
Now we are starting the same cycle with AS levels. He hasn't listened to any of the warnings from teachers that he must complete work and revision must be continuous, together with doing practice papers. His mock exams reflected this but still he isn't convinced he needs to change. He is insistent he wants to apply to a RG university to do Science/Engineering, and both College and ourselves have told him that this won't be happening unless he steps up the work dramatically. He is more than capable - but only if he works harder.
We have had the conversations about other options. DH went to a Polytechnic and I didn't do HE, so there is no pressure from us - but at the moment he seems to be building himself up for a big disappointment - he just can't see it. Trying to discuss it with him just gets the response "you just want me to fail" - which obviously we don't .

I am loathe to put the pressure on with regards to the work, as I don't want to be the driving force, only for him to go off to Uni and then laze around again, with no one to push him, only to waste thousands of pounds in course fees and living expenses.

I don't know what the answer is OP, but if you provide the right materials for him to work/revise from at home and the space and encouragement to do it, then if your DS is bright, he should get through his GCSE's. Next year will be a whole different ball game though.

I am loathe to put the pressure on with regards to the work, as I don't want to be the driving force, only for him to go off to Uni and then laze around again, with no one to push him, only to waste thousands of pounds in course fees and living expenses

Yes this is the problem of course - and why there can be value in allowing a child to fail at a young age. I think it makes sense to push someone through GCSE's then leave them to sink or swim as there are more options with GCSE's in the bag (whether for retaking A levels/HE courses or moving into work)

I agree saintly. I didn't want him to fail at GCSE's as they are the gateway to other things, but having got 11 with high grades, there are more options open to him, if his plan A fails.

2 to 3 hours homework after an 8 hour school day (leaves at 8 and is home at 4)???? I have never worked so hard in my whole life. (honestly!)

Well, now we are getting to some interesting ideas. So, you all think he should be doing 2 to 3 hours a night and really learn by heart some stuff every day?

Neither DH nor I ever did remotely that much (and were both at the very top of our year groups).

Well maybe I got that wrong - I could have never imagined other teens working that hard. I would have thought this child cruelty - lol - honestly.

Do all your teens work that much?

I fear you have unrealistic expectations of the GCSE workload . ds leaves home just after 7.30 home just after 4.30 (assuming no after school activity) so a longer day, works over the weekend too. This is what works for him and your ds needs to discover what will work for him, and fast ! Remember they are not sat working solidly for those 8 hours , with assembly, break, lunch , clubs , games, practicals etc.

I worked that hard and would expect my children to work that hard if they want decent grades. I work a lot harder than that now! (Despite time on mumsnet).

Some days there might not be very much, but other days there might be more. I don't think 1 hour on top of a short school day is very much. From the age of 16 I had a Saturday/evening job in Sainsbury's as well (that's not very easy to get these days & probably not going to happen for most school kids - but it meant I was doing 12 hours a week of paid work as well)

I take that all on board as it at least gives me something I can do to help Ds.

But just for the record - at parents evening we asked every teacher how much they thought Ds should do homework plus revision each week to get to a B. What they said exactly evened out to one hour a day (half an hour homework and half an hour revision each week for each subject) - makes 8 hours - one for each day and 2 on saturday.

But obviously, it is not enough....thanks for the idea - i would have never thought it myself.

What they said exactly evened out to one hour a day (half an hour homework and half an hour revision each week for each subject) - makes 8 hours - one for each day and 2 on saturday. Really ? If he is an interested and good at science as you suggest why is he not being challenged to get A/A*. Most 6th forms would require at least a B to continue a subject.