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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

i have bitten the bullet and told ss my ds can't come home :(

138 replies

whohasnickedmyvodka · 03/02/2014 15:37

My 16 year ds has adhd ,post traumatic stress disorder,self harms and has been physically mentally and verbally abusive towards myself my dp and my 8 yr dd for the past few years.Last year I had a breakdown and tried to commit suicide as I couldn't cope with the abuse and stress the running away staying out for days on end not knowing where he was , cutting his arms with knives in front of my dd stealing living screaming abuse at all of us , headbutting me ,trying to rebreak my broken leg,refusing to follow the most basic of rules,attacking my dp ,kicking off and smashing his room and other things in the house over the smallest of things .He is staying with my parents but they cannot cope anymore(he has been there 2weeks and it was his choice) he wants to come home but his behaviour is as bad as it has ever been.Since he has been gone my dd is so much happier we have been able to do normal things with her that she has never done before,she is finally sleeping all night as she isn't scared .I still love my ds but just can't mentally and physically cope

OP posts:
CouthyMow · 11/02/2014 14:45

Could you google the area you are in and social services, and see if you can find a generic phone number? They should be able to get you through to the right person in the end.

They REALLY should have contacted you and given you the SW phone number, you will still have PR for your DS, so they should be giving you all the information.

Just ignore what your Dad has said - unless it comes from the mouth of a SW direct to you, then you can't be 100% sure that that is what the truth is.

Don't allow yourself to be ground down in this - you are doing what you are doing not just for you, but for your DD's safety and WELLBEING, and also because it is, actually, the best thing for your DS too.

Flangeofmingetown · 11/02/2014 14:52

The other thing I wanted to add is that this is not a failure on your part. Children get sick in all sorts of ways. There is still a stigma around mental health issues with children and one way of manipulating you is to use the 'environmental' stick to beat you with so you assume responsibility as if you are at fault as a parent and continue to cope until you break.

You are not at fault. Your child is sick and you are just accessing the medical help he needs.

Mellowandfruitful · 11/02/2014 14:53

If people had to pay for their children going into foster care, then surely it would never happen as only a very small number of people in this position would ever be able to afford it? That just sounds ridiculous and another thing your parents are trying to bully you with.

This is only a minor part of the whole thing but could you block or screen your parents' phone calls? Contact with them sounds incredibly stressful and upsetting. Could the family worker bloke mediate so that communication goes through him? Or at least could you let everything go to answerphone/voicemail and then text them back or something so you don't have to speak to them directly?

Original poster
whohasnickedmyvodka · 11/02/2014 15:06

I have caller id on my phone so I try not to answer them if I can I told my dad how bad my dd has been since he came up at the weekend and demanded I take my ds back shaking scared to sleep very clingy and having tantrums over the smallest things I'm just trying to reassure her as much as I can that she is safe and nothing will happen to her my gp has been great over the years but has admitted that can't do anything thing to help I agree that my ds needs serious mental health help but we keep getting told he isn't that bad

OP posts:
flow4 · 11/02/2014 17:13

whois, are you in England? If so...

The bad news is, local authorities can and some do charge some parents for taking their children into care. But don't panic...

The good news is, they can only charge under certain conditions:

  • If the care is 'non-essential' and
  • If you can afford it - i.e. not if you're on income-related benefits.

More info here.

The situation you describe doesn't sound like it's 'non-essential'. You give some very good reasons why your family needs this support right now. Very good. And remember, the man from family conference agrees your son shouldn't come home, and it sounds likely that he will agree even more strongly after he's spoken to your DD.

You don't need to worry about this now. You can't be charged for anything that has happened so far. And before social services can even consider making charges, they need to (a) talk to you (probably several times), (b) make a formal assessment, and (c) serve you a formal notice of their intention to charge. None of that has happened yet, and it probably won't, because they will probably agree your family needs help.

It might be an idea to go back to your GP. It's useful to have other professionals who can back you up and provide opinions/evidence about the problems you've been having.

Original poster
whohasnickedmyvodka · 11/02/2014 17:47

Thanks flow I have a councillor that I see as well my mum has just come up to see my dd I was sent upstairs to get something for my ds and she then started asking did she love my ds and did she miss him being at home

OP posts:
SoonToBeSix · 11/02/2014 17:57

Yes can be the norm to
Pay a contribution if children are accommodated rather than being removed on a care order.

Original poster
whohasnickedmyvodka · 11/02/2014 18:10

I can't afford to pay anything soon this is all just getting worse and worse I give up :( :( :( :(

OP posts:
ashtrayheart · 11/02/2014 18:21

It's only that council from what I can see and was a consultation- I can't see that it is in force?
I very much doubt you would have to contribute. I don't have to.

Original poster
whohasnickedmyvodka · 11/02/2014 18:26

I really hope not ash my ds has also said numerous times he doesn't want to come back either

OP posts:
Mellowandfruitful · 11/02/2014 18:35

Don't let your mum 'send' you anywhere again. She doesn't get to come into your house and boss you around. I wouldn't leave your DD alone with her now she is being like this.

Original poster
whohasnickedmyvodka · 11/02/2014 18:39

I won't mellow it didn't help I was trying to control a panic attack when she turned up was trying to keep my dd upbeat and happy

OP posts:
Original poster
whohasnickedmyvodka · 13/02/2014 08:56

Ok at last a positive update my ds is going on a week long residential camp next week I have to pay £100 but we can just about manage that then when he comes back the sw will have found him a permanent place my dd is finally safe :) :) :) :) :) :)

OP posts:
TheresLotsOfFarmyardAnimals · 13/02/2014 09:01

I'm sorry I haven't read the whole thread but have you tried the mental health crisis team for your area to get him sectioned? He really sounds as though he needs help.

Original poster
whohasnickedmyvodka · 13/02/2014 09:05

My ds is already under chams and has been for a while I'm just hoping and praying that he will finally get the help he desperately needs

OP posts:
TheresLotsOfFarmyardAnimals · 13/02/2014 09:29

I hope so too, for you and him. It sounds like a desperate situation

Original poster
whohasnickedmyvodka · 13/02/2014 09:41

Thanks theres I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel its been hell on earth the past few years I know have to repair the damage to my dd but we can get there I just wish it never happened and we had the help we needed earlier

OP posts:
CouthyMow · 13/02/2014 09:47

I haven't been asked to pay. DD is into her third week of being accommodated.

Original poster
whohasnickedmyvodka · 13/02/2014 09:51

This is a holiday sort of thing next week couthy then it will be a placement when he comes back I have just had a call from my dd school saying how well she is thriving with out my ds here and I'm doing an amazing job ( it made me cry a little)

OP posts:
CouthyMow · 13/02/2014 09:52

Oh, missed the next post - I'm so glad for you that there is a solution that is do-able for you, and that you get to provide a safe home for your DD, and hopefully this means that your DS will get the help he needs too! Grin

See, you ARE a strong person - you have managed to get the right solution for BOTH your DC's.

Now you have stood up to Social Services and insisted (and got, which is immeasurably difficult, so that just shoes how strong you are) on the help you need, you should feel well able to tackle your (Frankly toxic) parents!!

I know what THAT's like, to have such toxic parents. You would do well to go on relationships and have a read of the Stately Homes threads. I think they would help you to detach a bit from your parents, who seem to be (IMO) the root cause of your anxiety issues.

And you have proved that you actually ARE strong enough to do it, by taking on SS!

ThanksGrin

CouthyMow · 13/02/2014 09:56

It's the change in the other DC's that you see when they relax without their sibling there, isn't it?

It's like they have been in an abusive relationship, well, they have, really, you can SEE the physical and emotional differences in them once they are free to be themselves without the fear of violence.

It's just such a difference, it's lovely yo see them almost 'bloom' in front of you. It shows that you are doing the right thing for them IYSWIM.

I'm seeing the same thing with DS1.

Original poster
whohasnickedmyvodka · 13/02/2014 09:59

Thanks couthy and you to are doing a fantastic job protecting and trying to get help for your dd as well I don't know what i would have done with out the fantastic support I have had on here yep the next battle will be with my mother I feel as if I have won a small war with her by not giving in

OP posts:
flow4 · 13/02/2014 10:10

That all sounds positive, whohas. Well done! :)

Original poster
whohasnickedmyvodka · 13/02/2014 10:28

Thanks flow :) :) :)

OP posts:
ashtrayheart · 13/02/2014 23:04

Sounds promising keep us posted x