i have bitten the bullet and told ss my ds can't come home :(

[whohasnickedmyvodka]

My 16 year ds has adhd ,post traumatic stress disorder,self harms and has been physically mentally and verbally abusive towards myself my dp and my 8 yr dd for the past few years.Last year I had a breakdown and tried to commit suicide as I couldn't cope with the abuse and stress the running away staying out for days on end not knowing where he was , cutting his arms with knives in front of my dd stealing living screaming abuse at all of us , headbutting me ,trying to rebreak my broken leg,refusing to follow the most basic of rules,attacking my dp ,kicking off and smashing his room and other things in the house over the smallest of things .He is staying with my parents but they cannot cope anymore(he has been there 2weeks and it was his choice) he wants to come home but his behaviour is as bad as it has ever been.Since he has been gone my dd is so much happier we have been able to do normal things with her that she has never done before,she is finally sleeping all night as she isn't scared .I still love my ds but just can't mentally and physically cope

Hi vodka

The purpose of mediation is to see if it is possible to broker agreement between you and your son about what needs to change to allow your son to live safely at home.

From everything you have said hour son is very troubled and not able to control his behaviour, you are not able to keep both of your children safe and do not feel that you have ever had the support you have needed.

Mediation can be offered but not forced as a solution. Stand your ground and say no, that your son needs time away from home and that you need to consider the need to safeguard your daughter. Children's services cannot force you to take your son home -as an agency of the state they underwrite the right of both of your children to be safe.

Stand your ground -I work with young people
And think that your son and you need and deserve the help you are asking for. Hope it goes well for you x

Thank you flower I will try and stand my ground it hasn't helped that my dad has just come up putting more and more pressure on me to have him back crying my eyes out already this morning :( :( :(

Could you get a professional to also talk to your daughter about how she feels?
I feel for you as this is an awful situation and you are clearly at the end of the tether.
I hope you have more success today.

Stop listening to your parents. SS and they are putting pressure on you to make their lives easier.

You need to repeat the message like a broken record: "DS cannot come home, as he is a danger to my younger child."

His behaviour needs to change, and that is something that will take time and hard work on his part away from him. You do not want to risk your daughter's safety to let him make more mistakes at home while he is still on a learning curve.

Stick to that thought, and keep repeating it, when others put pressure on you.

*home, not him

I am trying I just really hope the man from mediation sees that at the moment my ds has my parents and ss wrapped around his little finger and is loving it

don't "hope". Rely on your own strength and determination - not what others may or may not see.

It's not in your control what the man from mediation sees - that's his own affair. All you can do is keep stating your own case.

They can't make you take him back. Just say no. If you let your guilt take over, if you start discussing under what terms he might be allowed home, you know what will happen: he's coming back home with you.

If what you really want is time with only your DD at home so you can focus on letting her flourish again, stand firm on that and only that position.

She really is flourishing hot doing really well at school finally sleeping all night I have a very happy little girl again and I don't want her life messed up again I do love my ds as well just not the behaviour and what he is doing

The gentleman from the family group conference has just left and for the first time I have felt listened to and understood had he agreed that my ds shouldn't come home he also praised mn as well as said he often advises people to use the site I'm feeling positive I also explained about my mum and agreed that she has major control issues

Well that's positive.

I hope it's made you feel more confident about your own position.

Yes it has hot I do feel a lot better he said that they will have to find him suitable accommodation if the family conference doesn't work and he agrees that my ds shouldn't live at home

I'm glad, whohas. It sounds like you could really do with an ally. Let's hope you've found one! :)

I really do think I have flow he is also going to talk to my dd at school he also showed us the referral form where my ds said that if he came home he would kill himself he also agreed that if he was in social services care he would get the mental health help he needs as well

I have just had a call from my dd school my dd told them about the knife incident so they are going to back us not wanting in ds home as its detrimental for my dd they also said how well she is doing since my ds hasn't been there

Good. All of this means that there is no way that SS can make him come home right now.

Yep silks just the back up I need I spoke to dd earlier and said someone was coming to talk to her and to tell them the truth and her only worry was would my ds know what she said as she was scared and I said no he only wants to help you and she said thanks mum

It's so so so so very hard to have to get to this point, but it really IS the only way yo get the help your DS so desperately needs. My 15yo DD is currently in temporary FC, has been since 26th Jan.

You really DO needs balls of steel to get through the stage where SS are trying everything to get you to take them home. But they have a duty of care to BOTH your DC's.

And it's an eye opener to see how your younger DC's flourish when they are no longer spending all their time around an older sibling they are scared of, isn't it?

My thoughts are with you.

Thanks couthy people really don't understand what it's like until they are living it its pure and utter hell I have had my parents on the phone again this morning telling me I have to have my ds back she cannot cope another day with him I told her we cannot do it and he can't come back she then went in to a long and vile rant about what a shit parent I am and I should hate myself for what I am putting my ds through no I'm protecting my dd but they don't see that so once again feeling like a complete and evil person :( :( :( :(

Your parents need to be ringing SS to say they can't keep him there, not ringing you.

It is a guilt trip by my parents another bullying tactic my mum is very very manipulative and she knows that by now I normally would have given in to her but I can't not this time we cannot do it my dd has to come first my mental health is taking a nose dive again :( :( I'm sitting here waiting for them to come up here and kick off at me I did tell them to call ss selks but I don't know if she will

whohas, I am sorry your parents are behaving like this. It must be very stressful and hurtful.

I think, if your mum starts abusing you on the phone, you should hang up. I think if they do it to your face you need to try the 'broken record' technique, saying something like "I need you to support me not attack me. If you can't do that, go away". Ask them to leave, close the door on them... You need to practice standing up for yourself against bullies. It doesn't sound like you've ever had much back-up, so it may feel very strange to you to do it - like you are in the wrong - but you're not. You deserve to be treated with respect. You deserve some support. :)

Thank your flow you are right I have never stood up for my self before until the last few weeks but I'm doing my best and I'm not backing down my mum will disown me probably over this and the one who will miss out will be my dd but if she is not worried about her safety is says a lot I haven't heard any thing since this morning so will probably get my dad calling tomorrow morning to give me hell

Sitting here feeling sick stressed and having a panic attack waiting for another battle with ss telling me my ds has to come home my dd has spent all of yesterday and this morning before school scared witless at the thought of him coming back

Do NOT allow SS to bully you into taking him home. The 'magic phrase" is that you are SAFEGUARDING YOUR DD. Ask them to put in writing exactly HOW the plan to safeguard your DD if your DS comes home...

They WON'T put it in writing. Just keep refusing to have him home until they put in writing how. They are going to safeguard your DD.

Be a broken record. No matter WHAT they say or do.

Just repeat repeat repeat that you have to ensure the SAFETY AND WELLBEING OF YOUR DD.

It's the ONLY way they will be forced to put him into Foster Care.

But you HAVE to INSIST that they put in writing exactly how they plan to safeguard your DD - because they can't, so they won't put it in writing, so they will be forced to act.

You have to find balls of steel to get the FC, I'm afraid!!

I am being as strong as I can couthy it doesn't help with my parents bullying me to take him back as well but I have to protect my dd she is messed up scared and frightened I will not let her be put through any more