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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

i have bitten the bullet and told ss my ds can't come home :(

138 replies

whohasnickedmyvodka · 03/02/2014 15:37

My 16 year ds has adhd ,post traumatic stress disorder,self harms and has been physically mentally and verbally abusive towards myself my dp and my 8 yr dd for the past few years.Last year I had a breakdown and tried to commit suicide as I couldn't cope with the abuse and stress the running away staying out for days on end not knowing where he was , cutting his arms with knives in front of my dd stealing living screaming abuse at all of us , headbutting me ,trying to rebreak my broken leg,refusing to follow the most basic of rules,attacking my dp ,kicking off and smashing his room and other things in the house over the smallest of things .He is staying with my parents but they cannot cope anymore(he has been there 2weeks and it was his choice) he wants to come home but his behaviour is as bad as it has ever been.Since he has been gone my dd is so much happier we have been able to do normal things with her that she has never done before,she is finally sleeping all night as she isn't scared .I still love my ds but just can't mentally and physically cope

OP posts:
mummytime · 10/02/2014 12:49

You also have the whole of Mn behind you!

Do not let your DS come home for your DDs sake, and for yours and again for your DDs sake!
Don't listen to your parents, go non contact if at all possible.
Do not allow your DS in the house. Don't worry about how things look to those who don't know.
The only way he will get the help he needs is if you refuse to take him back. It will force SS to spend money on him. Then you can help him by arguing for him to get appropriate help.
If you feel suicidal then if at all possible go to A and E. Get your health logged.

Original poster
whohasnickedmyvodka · 10/02/2014 12:58

That's what I'm trying do do mummy at the moment I'm not suicidal just very very very stressed and have very high anxiety

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Original poster
whohasnickedmyvodka · 10/02/2014 14:32

Anxiety getting worse trying to stop shaking and crying before I get my dd I haven't heard anything from my parents or my ds sw I think the not knowing is making it all worse I can't go on like this :( :( :(

OP posts:
CouthyMow · 10/02/2014 19:28

How are things going?

Original poster
whohasnickedmyvodka · 10/02/2014 19:45

Have managed to calm dd down has she went in to meltdown after school she was petrified that my ds was coming back :( :( she has the man from the family conference coming to see her at school tomorrow I just kept saying to tell the man how you feel and he will help her that seems to have reassured her a little I'm still feeling very sick and shakey but having a glass of wine and trying to relax a bit how are you couthy

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ashtrayheart · 10/02/2014 20:31

Ss tried to tell me I had to have dd home, I said how exactly are you going to make me do that? You can't. I know the sw agreed with me from the look on her face and the way she patted my arm-it's the managers who have budgets to keep and send the sw to deliver the news.
I stood firm and they agreed to accommodate my high risk dd. meantime dd was sectioned - eventually ss went from agreeing foster care (unworkable - dd ran away instantly and called herself an ambulance!) to res school to eventually agreeing to fund specialist residential care with nursing and education included. I knew 2 years ago she needed this but you have to go through the stages Confused
Stand firm and good luck x

AlpacaLypse · 10/02/2014 20:35

Wow just dropped back into this thread - whohas you've done so well so far! It's absolutely horrible that financial constraints on MH and SS mean that the agencies whose job it is to support you and both your children are following the path of least resistance and trying to push you into taking him back into the family home when he is not in a fit state to be there.

Your parents are a different problem, your mum has been bullying you for your entire life and your dad probably doesn't realise that his wife's attitude isn't actually normal.

Agree with everyone saying keep on with the broken record/put it writing technique. Just hold your nerve, they will have to place your DS in an appropriate setting in the end.

Meanwhile, good plan re the glass of Wine - also chocolate very helpful at times like this... Smile

ashtrayheart · 10/02/2014 20:35

I never used to take anything, now I have diazapam beta blockers and drink too much wine I did find anti d's helped for a while I wasn't depressed but highly stressed.

Original poster
whohasnickedmyvodka · 10/02/2014 20:38

Thanks ashtray its nice to know that someone has got the help they need I'm trying not to have any contact with my parents at all so they can't stick the knife in I have to protect my dd I have to save what's left of my mental health for my dd the system is so so so wrong when you need the help there is nothing there no wonder some parents of sn kids crack completely :( :( :(

OP posts:
Original poster
whohasnickedmyvodka · 10/02/2014 20:40

I'm suffering with severe stress at the moment ashtray even my Dr wishes he could do more to help

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CouthyMow · 10/02/2014 20:44

I'm ok, just super stressed with my DD. The FC's are starting to see what she's really like, and are going to back me up with SS, but I am guessing that she will go into true meltdown tomorrow after school, as she won't be allowed out due to skipping school today, or if not, then on Friday when she can't afford to go roller skating with her mates as she's had her allowance docked because she missed the bus so cost the FC extra petrol money, and it's one of their rules.

I foresee DD proper kicking off by Friday at the latest...

ashtrayheart · 10/02/2014 20:45

Unfortunately the system is only geared up for the most extreme of cases and when parents don't back down Sad dd's placement costs a lot of money so you can sort of understand it- but if help was available sooner and as a preventative it might not be needed!
I would recommend young minds, the family rights group and also emailing your mp and everyone you can think of if the help is not forthcoming.

CouthyMow · 10/02/2014 20:45

I'm in pain too, today , worse than usual, so I'm just super snappy at the DC's and my Ex, not myself at all...

Original poster
whohasnickedmyvodka · 10/02/2014 20:49

They did mention a halfway house sort of thing the children that have been in care go to its staffed 24/7 by sw even in a place like that he would be better placed to get the help he needs

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Original poster
whohasnickedmyvodka · 10/02/2014 21:39

Just had a phone call from the family group conference man saying he had spoken with my parents they have said they would have him there three days a week and we should have him four days a week I have told him again we cannot have him back my ds has also told him he doesn't want to come back either now waiting to hear back from the sw tomorrow also he doesn't think a family group conference will work so we won't be having one now

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CouthyMow · 10/02/2014 22:21

Again with your parents trying to control what you do...good that the bloke has clocked that enough to say that a family meeting won't work...see the positive in that!

CheerfulYank · 10/02/2014 22:26

Oh, honey. As someone who grew up with a very unstable older brother, you are doing the right thing for your DD. My brother physically and verbally abused me for years.

I am okay now (really well balanced, actually) but growing up in a tense environment is really tough. I'm one hell of a peace maker now, I must say, which is a good skill to have :), but I really wish my parents had drawn the line when I was little.

Original poster
whohasnickedmyvodka · 11/02/2014 10:40

Waiting for either a call or visit from my ds sw let's see what today brings no early morning visit from my dad fingers crossed I don't have one this afternoon

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Original poster
whohasnickedmyvodka · 11/02/2014 14:12

Just had a call from my dad my ds has been found somewhere for next week but they have told him I have to pay this has been done through the sw do I have to pay and if so any ideas how much I don't have much money now shitting myself how I'm going to find extra money to pay for this

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Original poster
whohasnickedmyvodka · 11/02/2014 14:24

Feel physically sick where the hell am I going to find hundreds of pounds from as that's what my dad says it's going to cost :( :( :( :(

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CouthyMow · 11/02/2014 14:26

They can't make you pay if you don't have the money. Do you think your Dad is just saying that to get you to back down? Would that be a possibility?

CouthyMow · 11/02/2014 14:29

If it's done through the SW then it will be FC. I'm not having yo pay for DD to be in FC.

Deep breaths.

It sounds like your parents are trying every tactic under the sun...do you think that they will 'lose face' or be embarrassed if your DS goes into FC?

Why not ring the SW to confirm with him/her , rather than taking your Dad's word for it?

Original poster
whohasnickedmyvodka · 11/02/2014 14:30

I don't know couthy all I know I'm now shitting it even more I'm sitting here battling another panic attack we live hand to mouth at the moment already and I'm in debt as well

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Original poster
whohasnickedmyvodka · 11/02/2014 14:33

I don't have the sw number I have only met him a few times I really do hope it is my dad trying so fuck me up even more but if he is its really nasty and evil :( :( :( :(

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Flangeofmingetown · 11/02/2014 14:43

They won't make you pay.

You are absolutely doing the right thing for ALL your children. I just wanted to add that you matter too. You should not be subjected to an environment where you are physically and verbally abused either.

Your son needs specialist input. You have done everything you can. Your situation shouldn't have been allowed to run on as long as it has.

Imagine if an adult was behaving like this-they would soon intervene. The thing is your son is an adult now and a dangerous one at that.

Again you are absolutely doing the right thing. Ignore your parents. They haven't experienced anything like the abuse you have as a family and they can't cope.

Personally it sounds like he needs to be sectioned. How is your GP re a support option?