When my teens have their own homes I shall.

[dontcallmemam]

Leave my shoes right by the door so it can't open
Switch the tv on then walk out of the room
Lie on the sofa, remove 1 sock & leave it there
Shout at them from the other end of the house
Sneer at whatever they're cooking
Have major full-on rolling about fights on the floor with DH swearing loudly
Shout 'I'm staaarving, there's nothing decent to eat in this house'
Leave damp towels on the bed/floor/landing

Can't wait!

[mathanxiety]

I will bake cupcakes from scratch for a friend's birthday and leave all the mixing bowls, beaters, bowls of congealed melted chocolate and melted butter, spoons, spatulas, weighing scales, ingredients, including up to three different kinds of sugar all over the counter, and in the case of the sugar, on the floor too. For my coup de grace, I will leave the oven on all night. Oh and I will use the fancy cupcake papers, not the plain white ones.

I will text and say 'Can you come and get me now?' about ten minutes past midnight, and then when they arrive to pick me up I will not respond to either repeated texts or calls or the blowing of the horn. When they finally get out of the car and ring the doorbell I will take my own sweet time to collect my shoes and jacket and bag from different corners of my friend's house. Just when they are about to pull out into the road again, I will have to go back and find my phone.

I will occupy the bathroom for hours and respond with some tetchiness to people knocking and asking to come in, insisting I will be out in two minutes. Then when someone else is in the bathroom doing whatever unimportant thing they may be doing in there, I will knock constantly on the door and moan about people hogging the bathroom.

When I finally get out of the shower I will shout for them to bring me a specific pair of jeans, specific T-shirt, and matching set of pink bra and knickers, and the kicker is I will not know where any of those items are. I will urge them to hurry up as I'm getting cold.

I will lose a whole packet of hair elastics in one week. 25 of them will disappear into thin air and nobody will ever see them again. This will necessitate running to get more on the way to school. And money. I will ask for it in the carpark after they have gone to the trouble of finding a spot and pulling in.

I will use the word 'like' 18 times in one sentence.

I will insist they need a cat and then when it is time to change the litter box I will just laugh and make non-English sounds. I am working on how to convey the sentiment that changing a cat's litter box is one of the most disgusting things anyone could ever expect another human to do, using just one inarticulate, 'Euggh-uggghh-ughhhh'; so disgusting that it is in fact unthinkable, and maybe the suggestion is an attempt at a joke (this last bit will be conveyed by the laugh, but I haven't worked out the details of the tone just yet).

My friends and I will sit around watching sports on TV and commenting approvingly on our farts. We will judge them according to decibel level and smell but truth to tell, we are generous friends, and there is no fart that won't meet our hearty approval since they all come out of our very own butts and what's not to love about that. If I produce a truly noteworthy specimen I will stand up and make wafting motions with my hands just to make sure everyone gets to appreciate it on all the levels that I do, as long as there isn't some exciting moment of sports history afoot that would trump it, for want of a better word.

I will take photos of my larger and more variegated poos and insist on showing them to everyone in the house. Oh yes I will.

[monikar]

I will ask DD for a lift at say 11pm and then when I am confident she has set off to collect me, I will text with a request to 'make it 11.30 please'. To add variety, sometimes I will say that I will text DD when I am ready to be collected so she is standing by all evening long, can't even have a glass of wine, and when I am confident she is settled down watching her favourite programme I will text with a 'ready, can you come and get me now?' and then when she doesn't instantly appear, I will send repeated texts saying 'where are you?'. When she does eventually appear, I will do what math has advised and take ages to come to the door, so she starts to wonder if she has the right address.

I will be non-communicative with DD, and if asked what is wrong I will explain that I am too tired to talk, but the moment she has left the room I will start skyping my friends and chatting with them loudly, all the while shrieking with laughter.

When I make a cup of tea I will leave a trail of tea from the side to the bin. Sometimes the tea bag won't make it into the bin, so I will leave it on the floor by the bin.

[SonorousBip]

For a couple of years, I will get a VERY LARGE collection of lego and scatter it over every floor, every sofa, every chair and in every bed: no point stepping out, sitting down or getting into bed without a yelp and jump backwards.

I will make sure that DH is there as well, so I can bicker with him ceaselessly. If DS or DD kindly do a minute favour for DH I will go all huffy and say "Fine. So HE's your favourite parent now." I will not do anything on the first time of asking, at anything quicker than half speed and without looking like this all the time.

I will start a difficult and obscure evening class, which the DC will be obliged to feign interest in and which I will require assistance with at very short notice. Their lack of ability in/knowledge of the subject is irrelevant - or possibly being put on to annoy me. They will be expected to assist notwithstanding I am a bit sketchy on what I am doing and it will be their fault I did not get it clarified.

[LCHammer]

These are all great. I almost look forward to teenagers living home. Sounds great fun. I can see now why they do it. That's the life.

[LCHammer]

"leaving"

[Onefewernow]

I will go off to school and leave hair straighteners switched on all day.

I will steal their phone chargers and claim they are mine.

I will leave heaps of mess in their car, especially in the map pockets. I'll slide dirty plates under the sofa. I'll take up smoking, pretend I don't, and throw butts out of the window onto the office roof.

I will lock the cat in my room every night by accident.

I will never answer the house phone, even if it is always for me.

I will forget to do my work, start it at 11, and blame everyone else.

I will listen to my iPod in bed too late, then I will come home tired out the next day, as well as ravenous. I'll proceed to be foul to everyone whilst I eat 3000 calories and collapse asleep on the sofa.

[Impomea]

Well I am waiting for mine to buy me a phone and sign a contract which they will pay.Of course if they have the cheek to call me on it (once in a blue moon) I will not answer as it will be used for essential things like texting my friends, even if they are in the same house ,and for taking photos of my dinner

[Thecatisatwat]

OMG no wonder dsis laughed when I mentioned empty nest syndrome after dneice moved in with her boyfriend and dnephew went off to uni. She says she sometimes just looks in the fridge to remind herself how wonderful it is to always have sufficient milk in it for a cup of tea at any time of the day or night.

Having children really lowers our expectations in life doesn't it?

[Wibble1999]

Quote of the week "Having children really lowers our expectations in life doesn't it?"

I needed this post, 'just' survived evening of teenage hell.

When they have a house I will place dirty hands on newly painted walls as a reminder of 'how it used to be'.

If forced to put something in dishwasher, I will put it in, in a way that it will break or jam the washer arm from going round.

Leave freezer door open.

Invite a released murderer to stay when they go away for a week...I kid you not.

Complain that anything lost is their fault. By only look for anything 5 minutes after I should have left.

Will try to get up and out of the house in 10 minutes and fail every day but still claim that I don't need to get up earlier.

[Thecatisatwat]

Wibble, I don't think anyone will top the invited murderer scenario!

[HeadFullofSteam]

Use every cushion in the house as a football or to throw at my siblings. Yell "what is there for pudding" from another room, possibly whilst on the toilet.
Walk around in my pants scratching my bum
Leave wet towels lying about all over the place - even in rooms I apparently haven't been in
Cook stuff in the oven late and night and leave it on
Text and demand to be collected from x's house immediately. Then text to say no actually don't get me for another hour at y's house, then text again to say come and get me from z's house now. Without even a please in sight..