Very overweight DD12

[OvertiredandConfused]

Long post alert - sorry.

My DD12 is very overweight - technically obese. She's 5' 3" and weighs 10st 6lbs. Up until a couple of years ago, she was average weight. She hasn't started her periods yet, but she has had boobs for a good couple of years and hair growth is well underway.

By way of background / context, I was overweight for a few years when she was younger but have been bang in the middle of the healthy range for my height for 18 months, having lost just under 4 st in about 10 months following Slimming World.

Our diet at home is healthy - lots of cooking from scratch, fruit & veg etc. Her brother is, if anything, underweight. My husband is noticeably overweight but not obese and, sadly, not really motivated to do anything about it. We live close to extended family and see them very regularly. They are all a healthy weight with good diets.

My DD seems incapable of making any sensible or healthy choices - she has to be forced to have breakfast - often just a yoghurt. She then buys snacks at school during break and has a big meal and sugary drink at lunch time. When I try and send a packed lunch she still buys snacks. I send healthy snacks and they come home untouched, even when she chooses them.

After school she snacks and "picks" meaning it's a constant nag from me (or our au pair) reminding her to be sensible. She'll always try to have cake, biscuits or chocolate after supper and stomps around when they aren't available.

I do try very hard to moderate what she can access, and I know I model sensible behaviour - I eat real meals and enjoy a treat, but within limits. It's hard to have nothing sweet in the house as my DS, husband and our au pair all also enjoy treats too. My DD is the only one who is incapable of moderating her intake, even when I'm firm and explicit.

Out of the house, she jumps at the chance to have a hot chocolate with extra cream etc. She's always buying stuff to eat when she's out with her friends.

She does very little physical activity and even objects to walking when we're out as a family. Her weight is making it difficult to get clothes and she is a potential target for bullies. She has a couple of good friends and is generally happy, but she is quite lacking in confidence and definitely not one of the popular girls at school.

My DS comments on her weight - which she hates and he does get in trouble for it.

I've talked to her several times and she says that she wants to do something, but she falls at the first hurdle every time. This usually results in her screaming at me - regardless of whether I remind gently, nudge, say no or simply make sure food isn't available.

GP and nurse can help with menu planning but not with tackling the behavioural aspect. And I don't need help identifying what her diet should be, I need help getting her to understand that and to follow through.

I'm at my wits end. I'm worried about her health, her self-image, the impact on her friendships etc, etc. Please give me some advice.

A lot of scientists would argue that it's not as simple as calories in and calories out. If you eat 100 calories of fat, some of that fat would be used to make things within your body, whereas if you eat 100 calories of carbohydrate, that can only be used as energy or stored as body fat. Sorry I haven't explained that very well but there's lots of information about it all on the Internet.

The main thing to bear in mind though is that she is at a very impressionable age. If this is handled badly, with punishments or shaming or strict rules, that could create massive problems for her for the rest of her life. I'm not being melodramatic, if you read any threads on eating disorders and emotional eating, you will find lots of people who overeat or undereat as a response to the way food was treated when they were growing up, or the way they were treated for being overweight.

Imposing strict rules on what and when and how much she can eat will perhaps control the problem for now, but when she is older and more independent, perhaps gets a Saturday job so can afford to buy her own food, or goes off to university and isn't supervised anymore, whatever it is that is causing her to overeat now will likely still be there, perhaps the feelings will be even stronger as she will now be rebelling and thinking she 'deserves' to eat whatever she wants/massive portions etc. because of the restrictions that were placed on her. It would be more sustainable to try and understand why she is eating so much, is it an emotional problem or does she genuinely feel hungry all of the time? If so, perhaps she needs a medical check up as she could have thyroid problems or similar.

I think there is such a thing as overthinking weight

At the end of the day you can dither as much as you like

but eating less and moving more will get things going in the right direction, whatever 'scientists' say

I thought schools didn't sell junk anymore, weren't allowed to?

Could you speak to the school and raise your concerns?

How about striking a deal that if she increases her exercise that you ease up on what she eats. A compromise.

Could you bribe her to forgo the junk? How about buying her something she really wants if she agrees to stick to only one treat a day?

She doesn't sound obese btw. A little overweight, yes.

Does your area have a programme called mend? It is worth asking health visitors/doctors. In most locations they run courses for overweight/obese children after school which are great. They teach the children (and parents, so the child doesn't feel alone) about exercise, healthy options, food etc in fun ways with like minded peers who are also struggling. Changes for life website may have links. Government help courses are great such as mend, but you really have to be proactive about getting on them.
The children get to exercise, but with other children who face weight issues so they don't feel self conscious, cook, shop etc.

I honestly think you should back off. This sounds so like my mother and I when I was a teenager.

I was an average weight maybe a bit over average certainly never skinny. When I wasa 12/13 my mum who was overweight went on a diet with one of the slimming groups ( sorry cannot remember which one - I am now in my 50s). Got to her goal weight losing 2 or 3 stone and became a complete nag about food. Whereas before this I think I had a good attitude to food her constant questions about Do you really think you be eating that drove me to the point where I would eat unhealthy things just to annoy her- and relish telling her about them.

Since my teens I have always had issues with food and still do. Even now a visit to my parents will include comments about food weight etc and heaven forbid I have slice of cake or a biscuit in front of them.

Please keep setting her a good example but stop going on about it all the time. You will be making it worse.

I think you are right to be concerned. Anyone can develop a need for too much sugar. I would concentrate on removing dependency on that taste and getting involved in exercise together.

Just a thought

Lots of girls going through puberty do put on weight.

Sometimes it's to do with being scared to grow up, face sexuality/boys/the future. Being fat kind of cloaks you from the demands of the scary and highly sexualised world. And there is alot of comfort in sweet food.

I would keep the junk food out of the house. I would also try to get more active as a family - is there anything at all your daughter is interested in? Could you go to Zumba with her? Would she like horse riding? Ice skating - something non competitive and fun.

I was an overweight teen but I lost the weight when I was about 16. I suddenly felt 'ready', I went swimming every day and lost weight. I went on holiday with friends and no money and lost quite alot more weight.

The fat, for me was a comfort while I was vulnerable.

I could have written your post about one of my sons. After having been a slim, in fact I would say skinny small child, He started to pile weight on around 9, for no obvious reason, and it's only now he's 14 that he's starting to slim down a bit, although he still has a way to go, and his diet is shocking.

He will barely touch any fruit and veg, no salad or leafy stuff, and the typical intake for him is about 1 carrot, half a cucumber, one piece of fruit, a portion of peas or sweetcorn PER WEEK, if I'm lucky.

He's obsessed with wanting fizzy drinks and buys them at every opportunity.

Left to his own devices he would live on pizza, fried breakfasts with beaked beans, chilli con carne with wraps and tons of cheese, french bread which he eats tons of, burgers and chips and the occasional roast dinner but with a tiny token amount of veg. Oh, and he'll eat curries but he only wants the ones with really creamy sweet sauces and no veg in - he will actually pick out all traces of veg.

He dislikes and refuses to try so many foods it drives me insane, and almost every single night we have a battle over what I have planned for dinner and what he will actually agree to eat. Quite often he will end up leaving his dinner and coming down at night to put some oven chips in, or take a packet of biscuits to bed.

He does little or no physical activity to burn anything off. I have tried everything I can think of, and and I'm sick of being yelled at by him for trying to suggest things that might help.

"I was an average weight maybe a bit over average certainly never skinny"

will former fat kids PLEASE stop projecting

the OPs dd is 10 and a half stone at 5' 3" and she is 12 years old

this is overweight according to weightconcern.org.uk

She is overweight. This does not mean she is on the rocky road to ruin. There is projection of another sort going on here too.

Craggy - my point is I wasn't fat or overweight until I started being constantly harassed every day about my food. I was just normal FYI I was also very fit doing up to 10 hours a week of dance classes. I just didn't worry what I ate because it wasn't an issue.

I have only read about half the thread but wanted to add my own experience. I was a plump/fat teenager aged around 12 - 14 but I didn't really care, I only really know I was because of looking back at photos and knowing I couldn't buy clothes in places like Tammy Girl like my friends. Then at 16 it just all disappeared, I don't know why, maybe I was busier, starting to be interested in clothes, less time at home, I only realised when I started to have money to buy my own clothes and I went to New Look and needed to buy size 10. I never weighed myself when I was a teenager as I had no interest.

I would say don't go on about it and don't let others make comments and don't have rubbish in the house at all although I did eat sugar out the packet and many bowls of cereal so this may not prevent it.

Wow! I didn't check the thread for a while as it got a bit overwhelming - although I do really appreciate all the suggestions and people wanting to help.

My DD started to talk to me because she wanted to understand why clothes that fit her skinny minnie cousin who is the same age and about the same height didn't go anywhere near her.

She has also been more aware of what I eat myself - and when I say no to something she knows I love. As a result, she is eating much more sensibly at the moment. Her spending at school has noticeably dropped. And she's drinking lots more water - probably because that was also a goal I set myself. I said if she keeps it up this month, I'll buy her one of the fancy water filter bottles that she wants to take to school.

We have a big bag of treats that are hers and she chooses two things every day. There are some small chocolate bars but also some unsweetened popcorn, some prepared fresh fruit etc. I think it's a realistic, sustainable and balanced way of eating.

And it's not a big deal or major topic of conversation at home.

Fingers crossed this continues.

Only just seen this and glad to see your update. It sounds like you are approaching this in a primarily positive way. Health focused rather than losing weight focus.

Small changes over time will add up and be more sustainable than a huge one now.

Maybe learning to cook would be fun - you could do mostly main meals but the odd cake etc.

Also learning about the benefits of certain nutrients (again done in a positive way) eg healthy fats, protein, vitamins and what veg they are found in etc :)

I think the example you set can make a real difference. dp and I are on a health kick - healthy eating and more exercise - and our dd (14) has decided to go on her own health kick