Very overweight DD12

[OvertiredandConfused]

Long post alert - sorry.

My DD12 is very overweight - technically obese. She's 5' 3" and weighs 10st 6lbs. Up until a couple of years ago, she was average weight. She hasn't started her periods yet, but she has had boobs for a good couple of years and hair growth is well underway.

By way of background / context, I was overweight for a few years when she was younger but have been bang in the middle of the healthy range for my height for 18 months, having lost just under 4 st in about 10 months following Slimming World.

Our diet at home is healthy - lots of cooking from scratch, fruit & veg etc. Her brother is, if anything, underweight. My husband is noticeably overweight but not obese and, sadly, not really motivated to do anything about it. We live close to extended family and see them very regularly. They are all a healthy weight with good diets.

My DD seems incapable of making any sensible or healthy choices - she has to be forced to have breakfast - often just a yoghurt. She then buys snacks at school during break and has a big meal and sugary drink at lunch time. When I try and send a packed lunch she still buys snacks. I send healthy snacks and they come home untouched, even when she chooses them.

After school she snacks and "picks" meaning it's a constant nag from me (or our au pair) reminding her to be sensible. She'll always try to have cake, biscuits or chocolate after supper and stomps around when they aren't available.

I do try very hard to moderate what she can access, and I know I model sensible behaviour - I eat real meals and enjoy a treat, but within limits. It's hard to have nothing sweet in the house as my DS, husband and our au pair all also enjoy treats too. My DD is the only one who is incapable of moderating her intake, even when I'm firm and explicit.

Out of the house, she jumps at the chance to have a hot chocolate with extra cream etc. She's always buying stuff to eat when she's out with her friends.

She does very little physical activity and even objects to walking when we're out as a family. Her weight is making it difficult to get clothes and she is a potential target for bullies. She has a couple of good friends and is generally happy, but she is quite lacking in confidence and definitely not one of the popular girls at school.

My DS comments on her weight - which she hates and he does get in trouble for it.

I've talked to her several times and she says that she wants to do something, but she falls at the first hurdle every time. This usually results in her screaming at me - regardless of whether I remind gently, nudge, say no or simply make sure food isn't available.

GP and nurse can help with menu planning but not with tackling the behavioural aspect. And I don't need help identifying what her diet should be, I need help getting her to understand that and to follow through.

I'm at my wits end. I'm worried about her health, her self-image, the impact on her friendships etc, etc. Please give me some advice.

What strikes me is that this is a relatively recent thing. She was average weight until 2 years ago. What were here eating habits like then? Have they changed, or is it just that she can't get away with them any more?

Also is this all since she started secondary school? Is she struggling at school or being bullied? Is is comfort eating? I am just wondering what has triggered it.

The other thing that shouts at me from your post is that you are hitting a classic teenage won't do as mum says just because it is mum saying it. Around here there are several programs advertised for teenagers and their families with weight issues, part of the choice 4 life campaign. if you went on one of those with her (as I understand it, it is only the teen who needs to have weight issues) do you think she would respond better to a program like that? Or even just have a wake up call as to how over weight she is?

And I agree with the poster who said where is the money coming from. Maybe she needs to be restricted as to how much she takes into school.

Also, if you ask her, what would she say for exercise? Maybe something quite off beat like trampolining, or ice skating? Most of us think of exercise in terms of conventional sport, which probably doesn't appeal.

What sugary drinks are they selling at school? Or is she buying them on the way? It's not your fault OP....I can't think why people have said that!

Gosh, some people on here are harsh. OP, you are right to try and address this now. It isn't your fault!

Well she's only very slightly overweight. Probably just puppy fat too. Girls do gain as they go through puberty.

Don't tell her she needs to lose weight. Don't make her hate her body.

thants - she is obese on the world heath organisation's site.
children's weight/height is not on the same measure as adults.

How is that ''only very slightly?''

I'd tread softly, she is changing from a child to a woman, neither BMI graph is right.

By 13 it would have been a joke to apply children's rules to my curvy, 5'5" size 12 DD1.

DD2 is almost 13 and still fits in size 12 children's (size 6 adult clothes) she doesn't quite need a bra. I'm guessing children's BMI graph would still work, but even then only just. She does gymnastics and I suspect her leg muscles would make her look heavier for her hight despite her being pretty slight.

I can't tell you for certain as neither of my DDs will step on a pair of scales.

I do know that, I'd be delighted (at 5'4" to weigh what your DD weighs because it would drop me back to size 12 like I was at 22 and got married.

Seriously your first aim (as mine was and is with DD1, who was distinctly plump at 10) is to try and reduce the junk and prevent comfort eatting.

At 15, I suspect DD1 quietly realises this herself, not that she'd admit it. My DSIS and DM are very large and I'm certain she doesn't want to follow suit.

DD2 is a horror for sweet stuff, but eats very sensible portions of savoury meals. She isn't very interested in food and has the will power to get in a proper mess. Hence never getting her on the scales.

At 12 I was full height and weight of an adult woman. Many girls are, if you go through puberty early you definitely are. I was 11.5 stone and 5.8 in year 7. I was definitely very healthy.

I am still interested in what sugary drinks she can access at school.....if she IS buying crap at school then schools need to take action now and not have this on site.

My dd is 11 and v skinny BUT quite unfit and sedentary even though we are a pretty active family. However she has recently taken up trampolining at a local club. The first time her heart was racing after just 2 minutes bouncing, now, after 5 months of weekly sessions she is much fitter and dead keen. She can start extra training for competition squad soon which will be an extra hour to 2 hours per week and really wants to do this. She has built muscle in her twiggy legs and has the beginnings of definition in her tummy muscles.

Perhaps you need to find something physical that switches your daughter on so she burns off some of the extra weight while helping her to have a bit of pride in what her body can do, rather than being saddened by it.

Good luck. You are right to be concerned esp as she hasn't gone all the way through puberty yet. I work with teens and most chubby 12 yo are chubbier at 16, very few slim down naturally as pps have suggested.

When my DCs were around that age I kept crisps and biscs in a padlocked cupboard. Partly to stop anyone from scoffing much more than their share and causing arguments and without any guilt on my part as I knew they were bad for them.

So I would stop buying the snacks you buy even if it deprives other family members (as I said above they are bad for them) which would serve DS right for teasing DD.

It's easier to resist less tempting things, maybe just fruit or bread and butter instead.

In my view you can't really control what is eaten at school so concentrate on home food, and perhaps if you make it a 'healthier diet for all' change rather than singling her out she might be more likely to stick with it.
Nagging never works with anything imo.

get rid of all the 'treats' in the house

viewing crap as a treat needs to stop

stop allowing her money for school so she cana't buy shit

find some sort of exercise for her to get involved in-zumba classes or swimming or aqua aerobics or something. could you both join a gym? our gym allows teenagers to use the equipment if an adult is with them and ds and i used to go along, plug our ipods in and use the treadmills etc. it might feel a bit special and grown up etc so she might be more willing?

could you try and get her to associate 'treats' with things like getting her nails done or going on a day out rather than with sweets?

and those of you who are saying it's not really fat- my son is 6 foot 1 and only weighs 11 stone. he's slim but not skinny.

Please don't make weight and body image an issue for your child. You have just been through Weight Watchers, so your own awareness will be heightened, but it will not help your daughter to learn to think of herself as 'fat' so young.

I was a 'fat child'. My mother dieted and suggested I should too. My father used to say things like "You're so pretty, it's a shame you're overweight"... Neither of them was mean; both were loving. But what their words did, more than anything, was give me an identity as fat, which was fixed and firm and part of my sense of who I am, by the age of 12 or younger.

Recently, I made some passing comment (on FB) to a boy I was at school with about "always being fat". He argued with me, and said he didn't think I had been. That prompted me to dig out old photos of me as a child, and guess what? I wasn't fat. Plump, yes, but far, far slimmer than I am now.

I spent my entire adolescence and youth believing I was fat. It made me self-conscious about my body and led me to avoid exercise. When I started to find exercise harder (inevitably), being 'fat' gave me an excuse not to do it, because fat people don't exercise, do they. And I am fat now - it became a self-fulfilling prophesy.

So please be very careful how you talk to your daughter about her body. IMO, if you help her celebrate and feel good about herself, she is much more likely to live and act confidently and positively, which is ultimately what she needs for her health and happiness. :)

at this age exercise is the key i am convinced - my son was 'fat' at 12 but had a growth spurt and spent a lot of time out on a bicycle between year 7 and year 8 and was 'slim' by the time he started year 8.
mind you he then had the school nurse accusing him of 'being on drugs' but that is another story
swimming?
horse riding?
cycling?

also speaking as an ex 'fat kid' myself, try not to have those tempting things in her reach, or in the house at all. and try not to go on about it to her, what flow said was v true i thought.

Thanks again for the helpful comments.

I am looking at it entirely as a health issue - I've never used the word fat to or around her and I don't subscribe to the worship of skinny models etc.

Short term, I can cut out all unhealthy snacks from the home. However, one thing I've learned - the hard way and I am much older - is to make sensible choices. I do actually think that a small chocolate bar or packet of lower fat crisps a couple of times a week is ok. So too is a cake for pudding, again once or twice a week as long as it's yogurt or fruit the rest of the time. By banning it completely I'm concerned I'll make it more appealing. And, realistically, there's only so much I can do to police what she eats out of the house. My husband eats all his unhealthy stuff away from the home so although it's obvious he could do more, she doesn't actually see anyone eating lots of crap.

School is a canteen system where we pre-load payment. I'm going to do it on a daily basis (which will obviously be a pain but worth it) so I can monitor what she's buying. I've agreed to buy the pre-packed fruit salads for her to take to school for a break snack if she agrees not to buy anything else.

She wants to raise some money for a place we visit that's been badly affected by the recent floods so I'm going to suggest that she's sponsored to drink just water and sugar-free squash for four weeks - fits with lots of us doing dryathlon.

Other ideas still welcome.

Could you go to slimming world with her? They really helped me when I was younger and have lots of inspirational stories of teenagers who've lost weight in the mags.

I really sympathise with your daughter. I was overweight throughout most of my childhood and my mum (who was hugely overweight and went on to lose 9st through slimming world and making herself throw up ) was awful to me. She did it because she apparently "cared about my health", yet my siblings ate the same things I did and didn't get the same treatment. From age 11 to 13 I would have to weigh myself every week and would be told off if I hadn't lost weight. Every meal was a nightmare with her glaring disapprovingly at me if I dared to eat pudding.

I suppose my point is there is a fine line between being concerned for her health and making her feel like she's being bullied. Despite good intentions she's at an age where she's so impressionable and skinny is thrown in your face as being beautiful and normal and anything different is seen as bad.

Maybe the solution is to let her be. My mum left when I was 13 and although my dad knew I was overweight it was never an issue. I didn't have a lot of confidence and there were a few odd nasty comments but otherwise I wasn't bullied. It took me until the age of 21 to finally change my eating and exercising and I did it for me and no one else. Now I have a daughter and I promised myself that if she ever struggled with her weight I would NEVER make her feel the way my mum made me feel. I will love her whatever size she is and, unless her weight ever impacted her health, I will let her go on the way she wants to.

From the details in your original post I wonder if she has developed a sugar / carb addiction. Very little is said about sugar addiction but some argue that it is as powerful as other well documented addictions such as alcohol or nicotine.

If she is starting her day with Yoghurt (presumably with some sugar in it), she will experience a sugar low by break time and automatically reach for sugary or high processed carb foods to improve the way she is feeling. That will go on all day as her blood sugar fluctuates, she will crave sugar, satisfy the craving leading to a blood sugar high and then start to crave again as her blood sugar dips.

The first step to overcoming this addiction is recognising that it is sugar that is driving her behaviour and helping her to understand that. Both of you could then work on breaking the daily cycle starting with breakfast. The lower the carb and higher the protien / fat of that meal, the less the rebound will be at break time etc. etc.

I appreciate that such changes are not easy at 12, especially when she is out of the house and in control of her own eating for much of the day, but that is where helping her to understand why she is craving sugar so much should help.

I am sure she is as concerned as you are to find a solution to the cravings she experiences.

honestly overtired, your daughter sounds like my son, he would spend any spare money on snacks, and when he got to secondary school and discovered the coca cola machines and that he could eat what he wanted, he did go a bit wild. so i know it is not easy.

Actually I do nag him a bit about not over-eating, he is really greedy and has a fascination for different flavours, which has led to some interesting creations (black pudding pizza anyone?) heston blumenthal is his hero.

try to encourage her to drink water first if she feels hungry, and rather than low sugar squash, try to just not have sweet drinks. Tea is a good move at this age!

Any kind of exercise at all......

Op so your going to monitor what she's spends her lunch money card on? What will you do if she buys something you don't deem appropriate?

OP this was me ten years ago, exactly the same height and weight and issues around snacking and not exercising. Unfortunately one of my best friends was anorexic so I copied her behaviour to be thin. It caused all sorts of issues and took me a long time to have a more normal relationship with food.

My biggest regret/criticism of my parents is that they didn't enforce exercise. They vaguely encouraged it but I never got the impressions it was valued and they still don't exercise themselves.

I am now 25, still slightly overweight (eating disorder meant that I became a healthy weight v quickly but never physically fit) and still have no regular exercise pattern. I try and fail regularly - I wish it had become normal when I was growing up so I didn't have such a mental block on it being a 'chore' rather than a normal fun part of life (as my friends who did it when growing up feel like).

Please OP make her exercise more and do it with her - bundle her into the car at weekends, go somewhere beautiful and walk together. Or just make her walk home, walk with her to the shops, insist you both go swimming together (some swimming pools do ladies only evenings where she may feel less self conscious), take up geocaching as a family. It's tough and she will complain but she'll thank you in the long run.

I would have a complete health kick at home with no sweet things/ crisps for at least a month. Combined with her not buying them so less money given. This should hopefully kick the 'sugar fix' that she seems to crave

Then if you want to reintroduce bits have the healthiest version. Cake but only homemade so she/ you can see what exactly goes in, choc but dark good quality so more cocoa and less sugar etc

Personally cake 2-3 times a week, same with crisps etc is way to much. Between it it's not occasional it's everyday of something. Cake here is at birthdays and maybe the odd baked cookies/ cake with children a few times a year on top. So maybe once a month max