Very overweight DD12

[OvertiredandConfused]

Long post alert - sorry.

My DD12 is very overweight - technically obese. She's 5' 3" and weighs 10st 6lbs. Up until a couple of years ago, she was average weight. She hasn't started her periods yet, but she has had boobs for a good couple of years and hair growth is well underway.

By way of background / context, I was overweight for a few years when she was younger but have been bang in the middle of the healthy range for my height for 18 months, having lost just under 4 st in about 10 months following Slimming World.

Our diet at home is healthy - lots of cooking from scratch, fruit & veg etc. Her brother is, if anything, underweight. My husband is noticeably overweight but not obese and, sadly, not really motivated to do anything about it. We live close to extended family and see them very regularly. They are all a healthy weight with good diets.

My DD seems incapable of making any sensible or healthy choices - she has to be forced to have breakfast - often just a yoghurt. She then buys snacks at school during break and has a big meal and sugary drink at lunch time. When I try and send a packed lunch she still buys snacks. I send healthy snacks and they come home untouched, even when she chooses them.

After school she snacks and "picks" meaning it's a constant nag from me (or our au pair) reminding her to be sensible. She'll always try to have cake, biscuits or chocolate after supper and stomps around when they aren't available.

I do try very hard to moderate what she can access, and I know I model sensible behaviour - I eat real meals and enjoy a treat, but within limits. It's hard to have nothing sweet in the house as my DS, husband and our au pair all also enjoy treats too. My DD is the only one who is incapable of moderating her intake, even when I'm firm and explicit.

Out of the house, she jumps at the chance to have a hot chocolate with extra cream etc. She's always buying stuff to eat when she's out with her friends.

She does very little physical activity and even objects to walking when we're out as a family. Her weight is making it difficult to get clothes and she is a potential target for bullies. She has a couple of good friends and is generally happy, but she is quite lacking in confidence and definitely not one of the popular girls at school.

My DS comments on her weight - which she hates and he does get in trouble for it.

I've talked to her several times and she says that she wants to do something, but she falls at the first hurdle every time. This usually results in her screaming at me - regardless of whether I remind gently, nudge, say no or simply make sure food isn't available.

GP and nurse can help with menu planning but not with tackling the behavioural aspect. And I don't need help identifying what her diet should be, I need help getting her to understand that and to follow through.

I'm at my wits end. I'm worried about her health, her self-image, the impact on her friendships etc, etc. Please give me some advice.

And we have a popcorn maker - she can make popcorn whenever she likes.

I have used the ellyn sattyr books with my undereating picky ds and I can only say I found them vg. I would second the recommendation upthread to read one.

Otherwise, I'm another who would be concerned that you are too focused on this and will be communciating a very negative self image (albeit unwittingly) to your daughter. This is extremely easy to do.

I can totally understand your concern, as a former fat person too, I would hate to see my own dd walk the road I have. Though I didn't experience bullying and sorted my weight eventually, it was a severe drawback on my confidence.

In reality, you cannot control what your daughter eats. You can only offer good food and support her when she eats it. Help her to see eating well helps her feel good. Encourage her to focus on something else as a treat rather than food. Try not to comment or even "look" if she makes a poor choice in front of you. In the end it is her body and she has to learn to self regulate. I was in my 20s before I did this. I just didn't believe I could do it before that.

I am sure she already feels loads of pressure about this. I'm not sure how you get her to understand this IS in her control, she may simply be too immature to get that yet.

You could try to help by revampiing the whole family routine around food, maybe under the guise that it is for your dh. Eating only at the table and only at set times, limited biscuits and crisps in house, say only enough for the weekend. No fizzy drinks, maybe fruit teas instead. Everyone must go a family walk on sunday. Maybe a special outing with you on saturdays? Keep her busy. Even now, that helps me! And I'd def limit her access to cash. Tell her nb to save a certain portion of her pocket money maybe? That is a good habit to have anyway.

I was your dd, but I don't know what would have worked to help me avoid another 15y of being far too fat. I wish I did.

Good luck op.

Fun activities that burn calories too but not even mentioning them as part of diets or fitness just ... Lets do something fun ...lets all ... woodland walks ( if you can find local with adventure trails, and some hills).
Family bike rides... we always go somewhere and take a little picnic ( healthy stuff of course ). Could you and she have girl time and go to Zumba or something similar? Does she like animals - you could volunteer together at a local dogs home - walking the dogs or if you can afford horse riding has fitness benefits and so does mucking out afterwards. Swimming and Ice skating are fun too and get you moving especially if you go regularly .

Fun activities that burn calories too but not even mentioning them as part of diets or fitness just ... Lets do something fun ...lets all ... woodland walks ( if you can find local with adventure trails, and some hills).
Family bike rides... we always go somewhere and take a little picnic ( healthy stuff of course ). Could you and she have girl time and go to Zumba or something similar? Does she like animals - you could volunteer together at a local dogs home - walking the dogs or if you can afford horse riding has fitness benefits and so does mucking out afterwards. Swimming and Ice skating are fun too and get you moving especially if you go regularly .

The book recommended by Angryfeet is crucial reading for you, OP.

It totally recalibrated the way my friend dealt with her DD, and allowed the child to gain control and learn not to fear hunger, essentially the skills she somehow missed growing up (partly due to weight-obsessed mother, skinny father and sister, all sorts of messages to restrict her eating being sent).

Teens aren't stupid. Saying 'healthy' still sounds like 'you're fat' however much you try and kid everyone.

Finally, how about getting her involved in cooking? If she's got a food obsession, make it accessible not forbidden, demystify it and encourage her to explore new cuisines, ingredients, flavours, let her learn to bake. Praise her sophisticated palate when she develops one and let her follow her passion. She can bake for friends and family rather than eat it all, but she's still involved with food.

Good luck, and maybe find someone professional to speak to yourself so your concerns don't become unspoken neuroses, she will pick up unspoken signals.

I am surprised that posters think that 10 stone 3 and 5'3 is not overweight

I think you are right to be concerned

I weigh 10 stone 7 and I am 5 8, 48 years old with 4 kids!!

I am a size 12

I can see where you are coming from op, maybe the feeling fragile after clothes not fitting might be a motivation to do something.
But it could just lead to more comfort eating which is a dilemma. i expect she is picking up on your hysteria regarding her weight, not nice to hear but not meant nastily, but it is what i'm picking up from your post.

I would limit snack money, you have only like 2 years at the most before she starts 'big school' and has much more freedom.

Can you not say 'you are overweight'? Genuinely would that be so terrible

If you were open and kind about it

yeah I agree Craggy my dm was 5'3 and 11st well still is and has been very large my entire life.

I think the idea of concentrating on sugar as the culprit is a good ine

Sugar and large portions are always the problem

Exercise is a red herring imo although is essential for general well being

OP, I can feel how worried you are, but I also really fell for your DD.

Girls around this age often hoover down food (good and bad). My DD loves crisps, cake and hot chocolate with whippy cream (and marshmallows if there are any going spare).

She is now 14 and not yet seven stone!

That must seem unbearably unfair to some of her friends.

That said, I'm a firm believer in 'it is what it is.' Your own DD may have a propensity to put on more weight than others, so you have to deal with it.

Exercise is important, of course. DD plays lacrosse, netball, runs cross countries regularly. And we have a dog so long walks every day during school holidays.

Maybe talk to your own DD about sugar. It's hot news at the moment. DS informed me yesterday that fizzy drinks are worse than fags and that the sugar industry is the most powerful lobby in the world. He must have read it somewhere or heard it on the radio.

If you can open a discussion about sugar (as opposed to telling your DD what she should think), she will begin to understand why she is drawn to sugar and how she is lining the pockets of some very rich corps. Maybe together you can decide to boycott some of that sugary shite, particularly in the house.

I have an 11 year old dd and a 14 year old dd both of whom are very slim, the 14 year old is very athletic and quite muscular

14 year old ate yesterday: cereal no milk (weetabix Bran curl things), slice toast peanut butter (wholemeal sugar free), tea, water, clementine
Lunch at school no idea what she ate but has bags of nuts and breakfast bars as snacks in her locker as well as bottles of water
Supper : roast chicken, gravy, roast potatoes, carrots and green beans, slice homemade lemon cake, mini milk ice lolly

While doing homework she had decaf tea and a slice of toast and peanut butter but only ate half

She had played netball and swum for 45 mins

Meant to add she bloody loves sugar and sweets and chocolate but we are cutting right back to help her skin

Where does a 12yr old get the cash for endless snacks, hot chocolate etc?
Try and get her interested in saving / spending on something else?

I haven't read the whole thread (place marking as on phone) but I'd agree that she is bordering/obese/ just plain fat.

I have 2 DDs (15 & 16) so know how you feel. DD2 is currently a small size 10 (but has a broad back). At 11/12, DD2 was 'plump' - best way to describe it! She has not dieted at all to reduce her weight. I think most of it came off as part of her hormones leveling out and her growing taller. We do try and go out for a family walk at the weekends and I have encouraged her to do some exercise. She takes a packed lunch to school including a cereal bar for break (normally pinches my slimming world 3 syns Rocky Road ones) and some fruit.
We eat healthily (mainly) during the week with pizzas and a shared box of chocolates on a Saturday night! After school she will have a snack - a bowl of cereal or crackers and cheese spread with carrots/celery/fruit.
DD1 has always been very slim but put on weight around 13 - she is now 16 and the weight has come off (but she is on the pill for hormone problems and acne) and is a size 10.
I think what I am trying to say it be chilled about it but try and encourage your DD in the right direction. I do agree with what others are saying regarding sugar being addictive - the more you have, the more you want. Don't try and restrict the eating just try and have more savoury things. Keep the house clear of crap during the week and reserve it for weekends - and no extra money for crap from school.

I agree with craggy too. What's the big deal about telling her she's fat/ overweight? She may not like it. So what? She's not a child anymore, and is still playing by your rules. I think you are expecting a lot of her if you are expecting her to "make healthy choices" for herself. It's difficult to control her eating outside of the home, granted, but she's probably too young to really understand the implications of her eating behaviour.

I struggle trying to get my dd (12) to hang her coat up, let alone "make choices".

This is what I would do. I would get her on the scales, show her her weight. Look up her healthy weight/ bmi. According to a site I just looked at, she should be around 115 pounds. So she's overweight. Chances are she's got a bit of growing to do, so estimate what she should weigh in, say, a year. Put it to her bluntly. What about promising some new clothes as an incentive? Give her something to aim for.

Get her to keep a food diary. Get her to write everything she eats in it. Study her choices and analyse them with her. You can do this easily as you are well-educated foodwise yourself.

Show that it matters. If you find that she's been eating crap from the vending machine at school, then show disapproval.

Implement a "no snacking" rule. Provide lots of fruit instead. Hungry? Have an Apple/ pear/ whatever. Drink some water instead. You do these things yourself. It's tough, yes.

You have a duty to her. She may not thank you now, but in ten years' time she may.

I think the teen years are when many young people come to understand that the world just aint fair.

Some people eat loads and don't get fat.
Some people barely flick their face with a flannel and don't get spots.
Some people revise on the bus and still get an A*.

It is harsh. And quite a shock for many ickle wickle middle class children who have been resolutely sheltered from disappointment and failure by their Mummy .

But 12 still seems so young!!!!!

You are right to be concerned, her weight is definitely not healthy, moreover, her eating habits at such a young age will have a profound effect as she gets older and has more independence.

You need to work on changing her lifestyle habits while she is still under your care.

1- No more money. She can only eat what you send her to school.
2- No treats at all at home. The whole family needs to help. Shame for the aupair but I am sure she will understand. (we don't have any treats at home in our cupboards, a treat is a treat, if someone is hungry here, they get a fruit, rice cake, sometimes bread if they have been very active).
3- She doesn't like exercise, so she needs someone to motivate her. Can you or someone else go with her to the gym and exercise together?
4- Can she cook? Teach her how to make nice healthy snacks at home for when she is hungry. (even my 7 year old is able to make some scrambled egg).

Once she loses weight, she will feel so much more confident and will want to continue on the healthy lifestyle. Good luck!

Bring overweight is different to being very clever or spotty

It is something you can do something about

It may not be easy emotionally bit it is easy physically

Calories in, calories out

I don't believe people who are 'naturally thin' eat as much as people who are overweight

Dd1 eats a lot on the surface bit her portions are quite small and she does tons of exercise

Being overweight, spotty or educationally successful are all things that can be controlled - the difference is that some people find it easier than others.

Regarding controlling snacks etc - I am overweight/obese borderline and my upbringing involved a lot of restraint with a two biscuit ration and if we were hungry we would have to eat fruit. You may think that's a great way to set up healthy eating habits for life but it didn't do it for me. I still remember the pain of an acidic apple as it hit my very empty stomach after a long day at school.

As soon as I had any amount of money or independence I indulged as much as possible. In my early twenties I was still slim and dieted a little if things got out of hand but found it extremely hard to exercise any self control, and still do. We had indulgences at home sometimes, the odd chocolates at weekends etc or an ice cream out but I always felt restricted and I think there is a balance that needs to be struck between controlling food intake allowing children to take control of their own eating.

It's a state of mind then
To me two biscuits is normal

What about doing something like this as a family - I am really looking forward to doing stuff like this with my kids when they are teens. I can heartily recommend both companies (though no experience as part of a family)
www.pyb.co.uk/courses-family.php
www.exodus.co.uk/families/activity-centre-holidays

If you are all going, then it's an opportunity to start doing some walking etc to "train" in advance and encourage her to be more active.
If you are concerned about your DH, then it's also an opportunity to get him more active too.or fall flat on his face in front of his kids

Plas y Bryn provides lots of nice food, fruit cake as snacks etc but you are doing tons of exercise and it's always with a nice group of people.

I think you should make home made cakes/ icecream with your kids and your DH. It's always an eyeopener to measure out the sugar.

horsetowater I don't impose a two biscuit ration as a conscious way of teaching healthy habits

I just only want two biscuits (in fact I never want biscuits)

And the girls only want two

I had a friend of dd1s round once

She was very overweight at 10

I made a roast chicken and wraps and veg as a 'make your own' type thing

My dds had two and iirc they only ate half the second one

The friend had 5

My Dh couldn't have eaten 5

That isn't the same as having spots