Very overweight DD12

[OvertiredandConfused]

Long post alert - sorry.

My DD12 is very overweight - technically obese. She's 5' 3" and weighs 10st 6lbs. Up until a couple of years ago, she was average weight. She hasn't started her periods yet, but she has had boobs for a good couple of years and hair growth is well underway.

By way of background / context, I was overweight for a few years when she was younger but have been bang in the middle of the healthy range for my height for 18 months, having lost just under 4 st in about 10 months following Slimming World.

Our diet at home is healthy - lots of cooking from scratch, fruit & veg etc. Her brother is, if anything, underweight. My husband is noticeably overweight but not obese and, sadly, not really motivated to do anything about it. We live close to extended family and see them very regularly. They are all a healthy weight with good diets.

My DD seems incapable of making any sensible or healthy choices - she has to be forced to have breakfast - often just a yoghurt. She then buys snacks at school during break and has a big meal and sugary drink at lunch time. When I try and send a packed lunch she still buys snacks. I send healthy snacks and they come home untouched, even when she chooses them.

After school she snacks and "picks" meaning it's a constant nag from me (or our au pair) reminding her to be sensible. She'll always try to have cake, biscuits or chocolate after supper and stomps around when they aren't available.

I do try very hard to moderate what she can access, and I know I model sensible behaviour - I eat real meals and enjoy a treat, but within limits. It's hard to have nothing sweet in the house as my DS, husband and our au pair all also enjoy treats too. My DD is the only one who is incapable of moderating her intake, even when I'm firm and explicit.

Out of the house, she jumps at the chance to have a hot chocolate with extra cream etc. She's always buying stuff to eat when she's out with her friends.

She does very little physical activity and even objects to walking when we're out as a family. Her weight is making it difficult to get clothes and she is a potential target for bullies. She has a couple of good friends and is generally happy, but she is quite lacking in confidence and definitely not one of the popular girls at school.

My DS comments on her weight - which she hates and he does get in trouble for it.

I've talked to her several times and she says that she wants to do something, but she falls at the first hurdle every time. This usually results in her screaming at me - regardless of whether I remind gently, nudge, say no or simply make sure food isn't available.

GP and nurse can help with menu planning but not with tackling the behavioural aspect. And I don't need help identifying what her diet should be, I need help getting her to understand that and to follow through.

I'm at my wits end. I'm worried about her health, her self-image, the impact on her friendships etc, etc. Please give me some advice.

Also just to add, I said in MY situation if my DD ever had a weight problem I wouldn't do anything. What I should clarify is I wouldn't sit her down individually and tell her she needed to lose weight.

I think getting rid of all junk food from the house is a good idea, anyone who wants any junk food (ie au pair) should buy it themselves and keep it in their own room. I'd also limit the amount of money you give her if she uses it for sweets. And by the sounds of it you already provide healthy meals at home. Other than that there isn't much else you can do but let her get on with it really

Really difficult situation. But the more of an issue you make of it the more she is likely to rebel.

She needs more protein in her diet. Yoghurt is fine for breakfast but not a sugary one or a low fat one. Would she have a Greek yoghurt with some blueberries and flaked almonds? You could stir in a few drops of vanilla essence. Its one of my favourite breakfasts and keeps me full for quite a while.

I know you have had success with slimming world but I found that very carb heavy. Make sure her meals are balanced with more protein than carbs. That will fill her up more.

My DD though not (so far) obese also has a serious sugar problem. We're going to have a go at addressing it together while DH and I do a January dryathlon. I think focussing on sugar as an external culprit is a less judgy and perhaps psychologically easier way to take on the problem. I agree that artificially sweetened drinks will not help and she should stick to water/milk/herbal tea.

Flow 4 - you are the same as me. My brothers always teased me as being fat and i genuinely thought i was. Looking back now at photos of my whole childhood , there was no time when i was not completely normal, even slim. I am now fat. We are as so vulnerable as children. Be very wary of labelling your child anything as it is a self-fulfilling prophesy, imo. I know you are not doing this,op, and commend you on your care.

OP, you are doing the right thing by tackling this now and being sensible about it.

I have a seriously obese 18 yr old niece who has been overweight since the age of about 7 or 8. SIL has always thrown her hands up in despair and done nothing about it. House is always full of sugary drinks and sweet treats, because the rest of the family have good self control and don't go mad on it. DNiece seems to have no 'off' switch, will help herself to junk at all times of day and night and is a very unhappy young lady. She struggles to find clothes to fit her, always looks a mess and yet cannot seem to stop eating.

For her, it's gone way beyond diet and exercise and I think she now needs counselling to get out of this pit of despair.

Tackle it now, however hard it is. She will thank you for it in 10 years time.

Op - be very careful. Like flow I was that child, and my parents 'well meaning' made everything worse. You are drawing attention e.g. raising money - a sponsored walk would be a much better idea. Also sugar free squash isn't healthy as it is full of sweeteners and additives.

I think you should step back, and try encouraging her and her friends to do sponsored walk or bike ride. They can practice x Times a week etc, creating a habit of walking. Go swimming yourself and ask her if she will come with you. The more fuss about food, the more you risk her having lifelong issues. If you can significantly increase the exercise she takes, she will feel better and probably happier. That is probably 90% of the battle.

If she likes animals, another good way to raise money could be to walk dogs for money?

Sorry OP but your level of stress around this is far more unhealthy than your dd's weight. You seem to equate weight loss with being more 'popular', successful etc and that is an awful message to give a girl her age.

She is going through puberty so body changes are probably beyond her control for the most part. There is an increasing body of research to suggest that there is a significant genetic element to body weight.

You might never have mentioned the word 'fat' to her but by focusing so intensely on her weight you are reinforcing to her over and over that there is something wrong and unacceptable about her.

Work on your attitude to this - show her love and acceptance because you might well find in a couple of years this issue is resolving itself and if not, if she is going to be an overweight adult - like her father - then you don't want her to carry in her heart the idea that you will always find her wanting because of this.

come on folks, the OP is trying her best here. She has been very fat and wants to make sure her daughter doesn't hit the same problem. Pity the father won't take the same action.

I agree that kids shouldn't be at slimming clubs. The child is in a ghastly vicious circle of being the 'fat kid that gets bullied' and needs to get herself out of it before it gets worse.

it is indeed about intelligent choices, complex carbs (pasta, bread, rice) and protein, lots of veg. Not yogurt, too sugary, and no toilet cleaner fizzy drinks in the house. The most important thing is an active hobby that is fun. Not the horrible 'team games' but something she enjoys and makes her move. Whatever it is.

she can grow out of her weight without needing to diet. She's also old enough to understand the facts and what she needs to do.

good luck.

Don't let her drink sugar free squash it's incredibly bad for you. It's full of Aspartame OP...far better to drink just water.

Hmmm it's so hard. When dd (now tall and slim but definite snacks tendencies) got podgy I did just lay it out - you're eating too much and you're getting bigger. Then we made sure snack stuff was a whole range of stuff from cottage cheese tubs (her absolute favourite) to cup a soup to the odd biscuit. She wanted to be slim/normal like all her mates, go to new look etc etc so took it on the chin.
However, it's a gamble. A different child could take it to heart and stop eating altogether. I knew dd was likely to respond well to some blunt, honest advice. Then I left it. It's not like I needed to keep on.

Dd you ever see the series Fat Kids Cant Hunt on channel 4?

The programme itself, while interesting, won't help your situation but the first few episodes where they focused on the behaviour of kids on a sugar rich and fast food diet was eye opening.

They were horrible. Very easy to join a straight line between horrible over indulged child and weight but the programme did a great job of explaining the effect the food was having on their metabolism and physiology.

And the withdrawal symptoms from going cold turkey were amazing, it really did show what an addiction a poor diet can create. And it's not just psychological there is a physical addiction too.

So it's no wonder your daughter finds it so hard to stay away from sweet things.

I agree with the suggestion you cut her cash down, maybe you could give her a basic lunch with just enough money to buy one or two sweet things from school as pudding or mid morning snack so she doesn't feel left out?

Can you try introducing some sweeter fruits at home? Mango, pineapple, melon, kiwi etc So go half ice cream half fruit instead of all ice cream for example. Fruit cheesecakes instead of sticky puddings etc.

Maybe that way you can thslowly replace the refined sugars with fruit sugar.

As a sports coach I'd warn against starting her on a fitness regime from such a low level, exercise will get her appetite going and you really want her on to healthier food before she starts coming home after exercise starving. Maybe make it a weekend thing to start with, a swim then a hot chocolate treat. Low on the cream and marshmallows tho!

I've coached many an overweight child, the exercise gets them fitter but they don't lose weight. More often than not I see them at the chip shop after training, parents feel they've earned it, it's late and no time to make tea. Pasta takes 15 minutes!

I don't see why the OP has been given a hard time. I think it's good that she's asking for ideas on how best to help her daughter.

I've coached many an overweight child, the exercise gets them fitter but they don't lose weight. More often than not I see them at the chip shop after training

Agreed. Exercise make you hungry! However if OP can build in more exercise into their lives such as walking to the shops rather than getting in the car or something every little helps in the long run.

OP I have much sympathy for your DD because although I was never fat, I did ( and still do) love sweets and chocolate. I could eat and eat and not feel sick or have an 'off'. Very greedy. At school I would spend any spare money in the tuck shop.

I suggest getting rid of the junk from the house, it will help everyone and no one 'needs' it and it's clearly too tempting. Go for things like some Greek yog and chopped up fruit for puddings rather than cake. Humous and carrot sticks is a good after school snack. Try and limit her access tho, don't give her a whe tub of homous (easy to eat the lot if it's there!) but dish some out into a small bowl.

She might feel better and less inclined towards sugar if she had a proper breakfast? Would she have something like eggs on wholemeal toast if you made if for her?

Some people find nicotine very addictive, some people alcohol and some people suger. I def crave suger less the less I have it tho.

My daughter has a lovely friend who is around your daughter's height and weight, she attends a diet club with her Mum and it comes out on the charts she is technically obese. It's good that you are aware and trying to work out how to change things.

As mentioned if she takes a packed lunch and doesn't have any money, she will have to eat what's in her lunchbox and that can be limited to healthy/low calorie options (with the odd treat to stop her feeling deprieved). Don't have unhealthy snacks in the house. Generally my daughter has some fruit when she comes home from school. I do tend to let her have something else (at the moment she's having a chocolate bar each day out of her xmas selection boxes) as she's not a pudding girl. Perhaps, you could allow your daughter one treat after school, whether it's when she gets in or as a pudding and the rest is things like fruit, veggie sticks, small pieces of cheese or if she needs carbohydrate a piece of toast. If your daughter is used to helping herself and you wants treats in the house, tell her that you've bought whatever for the week and when she's eaten her share you won't be replacing.

Oh god this has sparked some unpleasant memories for me. I was very fat as a child and up until 18. Main reasons were I had "clear your plate " parents who served up vast portions, all family tend to be big, we had a sweet cupboard that I raided endlessly. I never did any exercise nor was encouraged to. Back then we all thought being fat was just unlucky.

You are so luck OP that we have more info and options these days and you sound like a sensible loving Mum who is trying to be supportive. But I'm afraid no matter how gently you tackle it you need to be prepared for it upsetting your daughter .She will be all to aware of the issue and will feel jealous of skinny friends etc and may react by eating more/ rejecting your ideas. I think all you can do is control what you can I.e. don't have crap in the house and focus on helping her feel as good about herself and being as active as possible. Even a shopping trip together is activity.

nb. You may not do this but just in case... Please don't say things like "your weight"..ie "putting your weight on" My parents would do this and it just made me feel like that's what defined me..."You would be so much prettier if" ..have awful memory that makes me cringe with shame today about a group of adults saying this about me..in front of me..at a wedding where I was a bridesmaid !!

It is totally normal for adolescents to eat (and sleep!) a lot. I am afraid I do feel restricting her diet will just make the food more desirable.

I am that weight and height, very slightly overweight - I want to lose a stone, but I don't look big at all! I realise the BMI chart is different for children but I don't really understand how if she's the same height/build as an adult (not meant controversially, I genuinely don't understand.)

OP - I have the same problem with dd. She is 14 and overweight. She makes very poor food choices and hates exercise.

Honestly, my perspective is this: there is nothing more you can do other than what you are already doing.

I think lack of self control, and rebellion against parental values is a key feature of adolescence for many and sadly in some kids this expresses itself in relation to food. It has done in my dd. In our case it's not helped by her having friends and relatives who are also very overweight, who encourage dd to see her weight as normal and healthy when it's not.

I am trying to discipline myself not to comment on dd's food choices any more, because it's causing relationship difficulties between us, though it's hard because her diet is VILE and is damaging her physical and mental health. I just try to tempt her by offering to make her a delicious salad (which she will eat, albeit with extra cheese and loads of dressing) every now and again, so at least she is getting SOME vegetables. I also ask her to come on family walks (she rarely does).

Try not to get too preoccupied with your dd's weight. It's hard to accept that your child is harming their health in this way but I think you just have to stand back and relinquish control to a certain extent. Just keep on with the healthy foods at home.

OP I really feel for YOU in all of this.

You obviously love and care for your daughter very much and are concerned for her health.

Unfortunately however you are surrounded by people who are being spectacularly unhelpful - a daughter not willing to see the issue, a DH who appears to be rather unsupportive and unwilling to set a good example and a school that allows kids to access unhealthy snacks. Then on here you have posters telling you that YOU are the problem whilst others are jumping in with tons of conflicting advice on what YOU should be doing about this issue. Oh and one day your DD will probably blame you for her weight gain rather than take any responsibility for it herself (sometimes it sodding sucks to be a mum!)

Sadly, I think that if your DD is determined to overeat then there is very little you can do about it at this age. She's 12 and at Secondary school and it's virtually impossible to have any control on that environment.

I see secondary school kids buying fizzy drinks and huge bars of chocolate and packets of crisps with their lunch money and yes, it's very unhealthy but very few of them are overweight yet although maybe they are more physically active. So your DD may be experiencing lots of peer pressure to eat this way and it's going to be almost impossible for you to control that sadly.

I think you should step back a little, stop mentioning her weight and gently allow her to figure this all out for herself.

Continue to lead by example wherever possible (which you are already doing) and also talk in private to your DH and insist that he supports you in this.

I would also agree with comments up thread about sugar/carb addiction. Yoghurt and fruit for example are surprisingly high in sugar so don't necessarily 'push' these as a healthy snack (veg sticks with humous would be better alternative).

Try not to worry about lack of breakfast either - everyone is different and if I eat breakfast then I am starving for the rest of the day, particularly if it's a high carb breakfast such as bread/fruit or fruit juice.

Apart from leading by example and getting the rest of the family on board then all you can you is be prepared for the inevitable fall out that she'll experience when she gets fed up with her weight and be on hand to support her when she asks for it.

Oh and DO NOT take her to Slimming World WTF?

OP, you need your DH's support in tackling this. He's a grown up man, he can fill his car with sweets should he chose to, and eat them when he's out and about, but not in the house.

Also, I would not give her pocket money. Sounds dictatorial and so on, but she can get the money again when she proves she can make healthy choices. She is the child, you are the mother.

I think the key is exercise/keeping her occupied. Can she cycle? Take her for walks at the weekend, swimming.
There are ways to present all these, can you have a mother-daughter time put aside, we're doing something special the two of us, book a youth hostel for a night and go walking, like a mini holiday, put her in charge of finding an amazing place for both of you to discover etc. Tell her you've been trying this cake recipe and it never came out right, would she like to give it a go, with you?
For that 'once in a while' snack, half a pack of puff pastry rolled out, cut into strips, grated parmesan on top, twist, voila cheese straws, but she has to make them. What I am saying is don't take them away completely, but make them less accessible, she has to make them.

What does she like/liked doing? Has she got a hobby? Is she willing to find one with you? Bowling? Badminton? Painting/upcycling furniture? Can you think of a way to keep her occupied?

I hope my suggestions won't offend or sound self righteous, it's easy to talk when you are on the 'outside', these are things I do with my DD, I work full time in an extremely demanding job, the last thing I want is to keep a preteen occupied, so I make it out to sound like I need the push and it's her job to drive me, she relishes the extra responsibility and looks for ways to implement these herself.

There also books out there who can give you ideas how to communicate with stubborn almost hormonal offsprings, the one that I remember as being helpful was 'How to talk so kids can listen' or something along those lines.

How does she get to school? My dd has a 1.5 mile walk or cycle each way which is helpful.

Can you get her interested in a sport/physical activity? This might help her confidence. My dd eats a load of crap at school and is a very picky eater and it is difficult to control what they eat at this age if they are not on board with making some changes themselves.

I think she may be suffering because she's having sugary drinks at school. This will be giving her a massive sugar high that will drop when she comes home and that will be feeding her urge to eat more sugar.

I would talk to school and get them to ban sugary drinks. Alternatively send her in with packed lunch and a bottle of flavoured water. That way you can relax a bit at home.

Also you could increase her activity levels.

It sounds like she is perhaps eating emotionally rather than just being hungry. Hence craving all the junk food. I started eating that way when I was having a hard time at school. Things like not finding clothes to fit will just make her feel worse and so she may find comfort in eating.

When I ate emotionally I craved sugary foods, then got the sugar low later and ate more, as another poster explained earlier. So one key thing would be to try and give her a protein rich breakfast to keep her full throughout the morning, so she's not hungry which could trigger her to make emotional choices rather than choosing something that will fill her up - would she eat boiled eggs? I often have two boiled eggs and a grilled tomato, that keeps me going through the morning. Or an omelette with cheese/mushrooms/tomatoes/spinach/whatever she fancies. Otherwise porridge is a fairly filling breakfast too, although it is very carby, oats supposedly something that helps regulate insulin levels so they don't rise or fall so quickly (I read that in a magazine in the dentist waiting room yesterday so no idea how true it is! ). She could add a bit of grated apple or something. If she likes yoghurt then full fat natural yoghurt with no sugar added is better for keeping her full.

But the main thing that helped me where following a few simple rules ( I got them from Susie Orbach on eating which I really recommend for adults with eating issues). Basically eating when hungry, eating slowly and mindfully rather than being distracted and just gobbling it all up as I used to, stopping when I feel full etc. I'm not suggesting you give your daughter a book or tell her about these rules but could you model this behaviour yourself? E.g. if you feel full but haven't finished your meal, push your plate away and say "no more for me, I'm full but that was delicious wasn't it" or similar, or when offered food "no thank you, I'm not hungry right now, but they look good so I might have one later if I'm hungry"

It's clear that you really care about your daughter's well being and want to do your best to help her, but I think you monitoring her food purchases and giving her 'consequences' will just seem like you are punishing her and possibly make her rebel. She might swap with friends so she buys their 'healthy' lunch and they buy her snacks, or just buy junk food elsewhere and take it into school.

Is there any 'healthy' food she loves? Even if it's not traditional packed lunch fare. I have a food flask so that I can take hot stews and soups into uni with me sometimes. Again something higher in fat and protein will fill her up more so she won't come home overwhelmed by hunger and grab the nearest sugary thing to get a quick fix because she feels so grim.

Very drawn to your thread OP although I have a young DS rather than a teenage DD.

I was an overweight teen, back in the days when there was less of them and have grown up to be an adult within normal BMI (ok right at the top ). I still absolutely love chocolate and sweet things, but limit them, do 5:2 and do a fair bit of exercise.

At that age I think the approach that is most likely to work is focusing on her desire to fit into the clothes that her friends do. It must be hard as well because at that age a lot of DCs seem to have really high metabolisms and can stuff their faces with pizza etc. without getting fat, however they probably have self regulation which she doesn't.

Doing exercise together sounds like a great plan - my family never focused or valued exercise, apart from doing some walks together, so if you could go swimming or to a fun exercise class like zumba, that would help. Does she have a bike - great way to get from a-b quickly, cheaply and burns off calories as well.

I like someones suggestion about cutting down on sugar as a family rather than making it about her. I was acutely aware of being overweight as a teen, and my DFs attitude of oh well I haven't got a weight problem so I will order dessert in front of you and tell you you are fat so you can't have any, was not helpful to me.

DS loves sugary foods and it's really hard to say no and be the meany all the time. I make sure that we have lots of the fruit he likes around and also chop up raw carrots and give him frozen peas a lot - he enjoys eating all the time and doesn't seem too bothered what it is, so at least if I can put healthy snacks in front of him, then he will eat those.

Good luck, it's a really hard situation.

Many of my dd's friends are like this. One is a size 16, and shorter than your dd. However I would not say many of them appear to be "obese" as such: just big girls. This is something I've noticed when teaching, too-many are, well, strapping, for want of a better word.

Your dd is tall and may well have a few inches' growing to do. If that's the case and she stays the same weight then the problem will sort itself out, hopefully. Meanwhile, the easy availability of junk isn't helping.

I agree with the poster who says breakfast doesn't matter. If she's not hungry, why force her to eat in he morning? It's just extra calories she probably doesn't need.

You seem to be doing the right things in terms of healthy eating at home, and modelling healthy eating behaviour yourself.

Is she concerned/ uncomfortable with her weight? If it bothers her (and it obviously bothers you) I think I would be explicit in pointing out the effects her eating habits are having on her body. I appreciate that I may be sticking my head above the parapet on this, however. You are in a position to educate her, after all, having lost a good deal of weight yourself.

Incidentally, you mention that the Bmi calculation for children is different from that of adults. This is something I've never heard of. Just wondering: at what age would a child become an adult for the purposes of bmi?

Good luck with your dilemma.

I think you are right to be concerned OP. It is our job as parents to look after the long term health of our children whilst they are in our care. I genuinely think that these days people are so scared of anorexia that they let kids eat what they want, and never mention the words fat, overweight, or even tubby. Overweight kids are more likely to develop into overweight adults, more likely to develop diabetes and heart disease. I think that it is our duty to equip our children with the tools they need to become happy and healthy adults, and that includes controlling their own weight.

I have been through something similar, though not as extreme with DD1, and I am now coming out the other side. My advice would be:

1. use external influences to set goals, I used the Wii fit, that way it wasn't mum telling her she needed to be careful.

2. Make sure goals are realistic. I knew that DD had some more to grow so all she had to do was maintain her current weight, not lose any.

3. Talk to her. She isn't stupid. Tell her your concerns. Let her read this thread and see what she thinks. Watch some weightloss stuff with her (my DD liked the Biggest loser on youtube) and talk to her about the contestants.

4. Allow her to diet if she wants to, within strict controls.

5. Ask her if she has friends with anorexia. How does she feel about it? What does she think should be done for them.

6. Give her some control over another part of her life. I Strongly believe that eating disorders are linked to control. If she feels she has control of her life she is less likely to have problems with eating disorders. (I let DD die her hair, use more makeup etc)

These are all things I did with my DD, who has now grown (as we knew she would) and looks great, and more importantly feels great about herself.

Grief that was long, sorry.

My dd has realised that she is overweight since she started dance class. I explained how it affected her balance because she is bigger and hasn't got so much control.

I went through a phase of looking at all the sugar/fat content labels, comparing different foods to each other. Quite often children just don't know that there is as much sugar in juice as there is in coke, or as much fat in mayonnaise as butter.

It has been a long arduous education programme on my part, lots of explaining but no nagging really.

I made a rule of no food in front of TV and that has helped. I have tried to avoid sugary cereals (but DP still buys them) because that starts them with a sugar hit in the morning - protein is much better.

She has packed lunch.

The breakthrough was when she stopped buying a fizzy drink on the way home from school and got a sugar free one instead.