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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Would you let your 14 year old DD and her boyfriend spend time in her bedroom?

50 replies

ExitPursuedByABogieMan · 30/10/2013 13:28

Just trying to garner some perspective here. DD has got her first boyfriend. She keeps telling me that he is just a friend who is a boy. They talk a lot on facebook, meet maybe once a week for an hour or two, so far at his house. From what she says there are usually other youngsters around at the same time, and she has taken a friend with her once. When she told me that they were planning on meeting today I suggested he came here. Last night she tidied her bedroom - something I am constantly nagging her to do, changed her bed and vaccuumed the floor. Tidiest I have ever seen it. In the middle of the night it suddenly struck me why she had tidied her bedroom!!! This morning I told her that she could not take the boy to her bedroom and explained my concerns, so now she has accused me of not trusting her and of speaking to her like a 5 year old. Apparently the plan has now changed and he is coming come here to meet her and then they are 'going out'.

Do you let your teenager entertain friends of the opposite sex in their bedrooms?

OP posts:

OddBoots · 30/10/2013 13:30

I'm not quite at that stage yet but I think I'd allow it if the door was kept open.

Original poster

ExitPursuedByABogieMan · 30/10/2013 13:36

I did tell her that if she insisted then I would spend the afternoon in my bedroom.

I actually quite fancy that idea as I could lie on my bed and read my book!

We live in a three storey house, and my husband runs his business from on office on the middle floor, with his admin lady. I would just feel really strange seeing DD and her BF disappearing up the stairs.

I did tell her that I trust her, just not the others. Had to stop myself channelling Scottishmummy with "Trust nae fucker"

OP posts:

Clargo55 · 30/10/2013 13:37

I think she has just cleaned it to not be embarrassed and to make a good impression. I don't think they would necessarily be up to no good.
Personally I would rather they were safe at home, than wondering around the streets or parks in the evening.

I would operate an open door policy and encourage them to feel comfortable and welcome in the downstairs living areas too.

killpeppa · 30/10/2013 13:40

I would have done the same thing at 14 (I'm 21) tidied and all that, not for any other reason than I didn't want someone I liked to see my bedroom like pig sty!

just say to her it's fine if they go to her room but leave the door open a bit, it's not that you don't trust her but your her mum & it would make you feel better.

mrscog · 30/10/2013 13:43

I would - also which 'side' of 14 is she 13 or 15. Maybe provide drinks etc. at regular intervals if you want to keep an eye on them.

CatsCantFlyFast · 30/10/2013 13:46

I don't have children yet but have a strong view on this topic. Your daughter will do what she is going to do regardless of whether you allow them in her bedroom or not. Therefore you are not stopping the inevitable by preventing bedroom access, you are simply forcing it to happen elsewhere.
I am not suggesting btw that the inevitable is sexual, what I am saying is that they are going to spend time alone unsupervised whether you give it your blessing to be under your roof or not
Therefore I would always suggest allowing it, so you can have some idea of where she is and what she's doing rather than turning a blind eye when they're not in your house

Original poster

ExitPursuedByABogieMan · 30/10/2013 13:48

She is only just 14 (October). She has a playroom on the middle floor, but that is a tip. There is a lounge on the middle floor but with only two chairs - I have said I will buy a sofa this weekend (must make a decision!)
plus I also said I would vacate my much loved kitchen/family room so that they could sit in there (it is the warmest room in the house) and has a tv, dvd, and the fridge.

Now you are all making me feel guilty. I have already discussed it with DH and he agreed with me not letting them. If I backtrack now I will have a hell of a job convincing him.

It is a lovely day here. The fresh air will do them good.

ignores fact that DD has spent all morning at the stables

OP posts:

TrinSnowPastaMelonity · 30/10/2013 13:49

I'm not suprised shes upset

she tidied her room so he wouldn't think she was manky thats all

I would trust dd1

SharpLily · 30/10/2013 13:50

You didn't tell us what your concerns are. Presumably you mean that they will be having sex. While I understand that idea is horrifying for you, I think you're being incredibly naive to assume keeping a boy out of your daughter's bedroom is going to prevent it. If they are planning on having sex, they'll find somewhere to do it and your bedroom rules won't stop them.

Do you have good reason to assume the worst? Does your daughter have a history of poor decision making or doing things to erode your trust? Ultimately if not then you are just embarrassing her by putting such a mean spirited rule in place. As a teenager, your bedroom is all you've got. It's your only sanctuary and she needs to be able to be herself, with her friends, in private. Not to have sex, just to be a teenager.

I don't mean to alarm you because I suspect you're jumping to conclusions anyway, but when I was a teenager, the ones who were told to keep the opposite sex out of their bedrooms were the ones who ended up shagging in alleyways and other unsavoury locations, the ones who felt they had no choice but to rebel. I think you'll find that if you show her some respect, it will be rewarded in kind.

mrscog · 30/10/2013 13:59

Also, they might not be planning on sex but she might be hoping for a snogfest (shows 90's child roots) which is perfectly normal at this age and will happen anyway!

NoComet · 30/10/2013 13:59

Given the woods at the top of the road I suspect, should my DDs want privacy, they will find it.

Country youngsters always have.

Original poster

ExitPursuedByABogieMan · 30/10/2013 14:02

Ok Ok. I have relented. You have all made me see sense. I do trust her but I see so much stuff on FB and in the media about teenagers that I just get a bit panicky. I agree, if they are going to have sex then they will find somewhere regardless of my rules.

I have told her they can spend the afternoon in her room but must leave the door open.

You are all wise and sensible.

Bugger, I haven't cleaned the bathroom.

OP posts:

TeenAndTween · 30/10/2013 14:29

I would have gone with your original decision.

I just don't buy this 'if they are going to do something they'll do it anyway so just let them get on with it in your house' stuff.

Personally I think part of parenting is to show your boundaries. If you don't want your 13/14/15 year old to be alone in a bedroom with a boy, then don't ket her. You are sending the clear message that you think behaviour they would be embarrassed to have you see is inappropriate at their age. It gives your daughter boundaries, and also gives her the opportunity/ability to say no to stuff. Otherwise she may think 'mum thinks its OK, so perhaps I should be doing it'.

MumOfTheMoos · 30/10/2013 14:46

I'm with merkin, what's going to happen, is going to happen whether or not you let them hang out in her bedroom - if you think they are actually going to get up to so anything you've just driven them outside to do it (yuk).

However, the chances are it's all innocent - so, I suggest you let them hang out in there but keep the door open and go and visit with drinks or biscuits.

You know, I did a lot of things very early as a teenage and nothing was going to stop me - it wasn't a problem, even in retrospect, but whenever my mum tried (which wasn't often) to come over all heavy I just lied to her - I guess what I am trying to say is that trust and openness is important (esp her trust in you) - you can only advise, try and ensure she has the self esteem to wait until she's ready, but you can't actually stop her because you can't keep an eye on her every minute of every day.

MumOfTheMoos · 30/10/2013 14:49

Oh, I forgot to mention, that their plans have changed doesn't mean your suspicions were right - she's probably a bit embarrassed/hurt/cross etc as she thinks you don't trust her and talk to her a like a 5 year old () - she probably thinks you don't approve of her first boyfriend and not wanting to incur your disapproval is going elsewhere.

Bonsoir · 30/10/2013 14:50

I think that it is fine but the door must be open at all times (properly open).

cory · 30/10/2013 14:54

MumOfTheMoos, I would be more worried about sending the opposite message: "My mum thinks if I am alone with a boy we must be having sex so perhaps that is what he and everybody else will be expecting of me, perhaps it would be really weird to hang out and not do it".

That is a message that I am very careful not to send my children: it is so normal to misbehave that it would be unexpected if you didn't.

Ime most teenagers have no idea of how common it is to defer sex until a fairly ripe age, they think they are the only virgins around and can easily feel odd about it.

My message has always tended to be more "I know some young people make foolish decisions but I would expect you to be sensible and remember x, y, z".

cory · 30/10/2013 14:55

Sorry, MumOfTheMoos, that wasn't you: that was TeenAndTween I should have been addressing.

Bonsoir · 30/10/2013 14:58

Having sex isn't "misbehaving" - it's a normal urge! One that in our society we try to prevent adolescents acting upon.

killpeppa · 30/10/2013 14:59

a point to add would be there is going to people in the house- I doubt that anyone would try anything with 2 parents around.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 30/10/2013 15:02

If you have relented to having them use her bedroom, and she is ashamed of appearing manky then she can whizz the loo brush round and wipe the sink, can't she?

OhBabyLilyMunster · 30/10/2013 15:04

Good opportunity to open a discussion with her tho?

cory · 30/10/2013 15:07

Good point, Bonsoir. I was thinking in more general terms of anything a teen might get up to.

In any case, having sex with a 14yo is actually illegal. Unlikely to lead to any repercussions, of course, if both parties are of a similar age, but still illegal.

ProphetOfDoom · 30/10/2013 15:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bonsoir · 30/10/2013 15:12

I am very aware that I don't want to make our children feel guilty or ashamed about wanting to have sex, as I think that those negative emotions can interfere dreadfully with fully engaging in the pleasure of sex.

But I do want to send the message that they need to wait until they are old enough to really want to do it and savour it rather than just indulging in a basic instinctual urge...

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