Would you let your 14 year old DD and her boyfriend spend time in her bedroom?

[ExitPursuedByABogieMan]

Just trying to garner some perspective here. DD has got her first boyfriend. She keeps telling me that he is just a friend who is a boy. They talk a lot on facebook, meet maybe once a week for an hour or two, so far at his house. From what she says there are usually other youngsters around at the same time, and she has taken a friend with her once. When she told me that they were planning on meeting today I suggested he came here. Last night she tidied her bedroom - something I am constantly nagging her to do, changed her bed and vaccuumed the floor. Tidiest I have ever seen it. In the middle of the night it suddenly struck me why she had tidied her bedroom!!! This morning I told her that she could not take the boy to her bedroom and explained my concerns, so now she has accused me of not trusting her and of speaking to her like a 5 year old. Apparently the plan has now changed and he is coming come here to meet her and then they are 'going out'.

Do you let your teenager entertain friends of the opposite sex in their bedrooms?

[yourlittlesecret]

I had a similar dilemma with DS at that age. Felt equally responsible for the girl while she was in my house.
First of all you need to have a Talk. If she is not considering sex now, that's good to know but she needs to be able to come and tell you when that changes.
I would allow him to go in her room with a door wide open policy. You may find that you often need to pop in unannounced to put laundry away etc.

[cory]

absolutely agree, Bonsoir

but I also don't want to send the message that it is so impossible for people to control their own sexual urges that they cannot be trusted for a single second

I'm always reminded of the parent of a friend of dd's who hi-jacked me while waiting for the departure of a school trip to tell me that she would have to keep a strict eye on her 11yo dd because she was a nymphomaniac

(this from a woman I had never seen before, just casually at the ferry terminal )

I have absolutely no reason to believe that the dd was sexually active at the time.

But a few years later she was pregnant...

Self-fulfilling prophecy if ever I saw one, and not a very nice way to approach the subject of your child as a potentially sexual being.

[impty]

Door wide open, and I would pop in to offer refreshments frequently!

[Bonsoir]

My DSS2 had a girlfriend a couple of years ago (when he was 13/14). We learned later that the girl in question was a "serial offender" (wrong expression) ie she constantly had a boyfriend. My DP met the mother of this girl at a school parent-teacher meeting a few months after the relationship had ended and this mother was very nice and told my DP that her DD2 had had a boyfriend all her life - she went from boy to boy and had done since she first started school. Her DD1, who was two years older, had never shown any interest in boys.

So I'm not sure about self-fulfilling prophecies - some DC are much more interested in the opposite sex than others.

[exexpat]

Door open, or pop in unexpectedly with drinks or laundry. You may catch them snogging, but if it's a new thing then they will just as likely be sitting opposite sides of the room looking frozen with embarrassment.

I was allowed boyfriends in my room at 14 or 15, but we were never alone in the house so didn't dare get up to anything particularly, um, advanced...

[cory]

Bbsolutely agree, Bonsoir.

But I also don't want to send the message that it is so impossible for people to control their own sexual urges that they cannot be trusted for a single second.

I'm always reminded of the parent of a friend of dd's who hi-jacked me while waiting for the departure of a school trip to tell me that she would have to keep a strict eye on her 11yo dd because she was a nymphomaniac.

(this from a woman I had never seen before, just casually at the ferry terminal )

I have absolutely no reason to believe that the dd was sexually active at the time.

But a few years later she was pregnant...

Self-fulfilling prophecy if ever I saw one, and not a very nice way to approach the subject of your child as a potentially sexual being.

[BadRoly]

So many bits of posts I'm nodding in agreement with. My eldest is still only 12 so I'm hoping I have a couple more years before I'm concerned.

However, I can remember my parents saying about me that they knew I was having sex and they would far rather I was doing it in the safety of my bedroom with them downstairs than in a park/alley/car with no one to escape to.

My parents and my brother would then take it in turns to stomp up the stairs very loudly repeatedly through the evening. I did enjoy my revenge once my brother started bringing girls home...

They would also expect us to be in separate bedrooms at bedtime and be in them when Dad got up at 5.30am relying I think on the inability of many teenagers to wake up early. This still stuck when I was 21 and bringing what was to become dh home.

[Bramshott]

I remember when I had my first boyfriend over (17 - I was a late starter!) we weren't allowed to go into my bedroom but instead had to sit in a room with a sofa which was a kind of annexe to the house and miles away from anyone and anything !

[ExitPursuedByABogieMan]

I don't have a loo brush! How very dare you

It is more general dust on the wooden floor. My sanitary ware is spotless.

Well he is here. They are watching a DVD on her laptop. We are in the office at the bottom of the stairs. He has put his shoes on the shoe rack.

Thanks for all your comments. I do want to keep communication channels open with her.

It is just another stage of motherhood that seems to have rushed up on me unannounced.

[killpeppa]

I'm so glad I have boys-
if I had a daughter I would live in fear that she would put me through what I put my parents through

[peggyundercrackers]

i would have been another one for the dont allow it camp. IMO shes too young only having just turned 14. I also think this "they will find somewhere else to do it" excuse is baloney - they might well try to find somewhere else to do it its not that easy to find somewhere to go all the way... IME girls dont really want to end up in a compromising position behind the bushes or in a doorway or where ever - yes they can snog and grope in these places but thats a long way from DTD.

[yourlittlesecret]

I shudder to think what I put my parents through.
killpeppa I have boys too and there is the same responsibility as a parent, and as I said above if the girl is a guest in your house you are IMO responsible for her while she is there.

[Takver]

I can't help at all, only have an 11 y/o who is currently at her (male) friend's house building lego with his little brother in tow. But I am PMSL at you waking up in the middle of the night with sudden realisation why your dd has suddenly tidied her room

[killpeppa]

oh completely couldn't agree more!

but as a general rule girls look older than guys of a same age (or can make themselves look older)

these boys will have 'respect for girls' drummed into their head as soon as they can understand.

[breadandbutterfly]

Agree with peggy. But wouldn't ban boy from the bedroom, esp as you have lots of space. More likely to offer him refreshments, chat, take it as opportunity to get to know him and ensure he's not an axe murderer so that dd can get a normal perspective on things. And feel relaxed about bringing him home. They can then feel comfortable hanging out in any room in the house.

Then if /when they break up, you can remind her he was an arse really and prevent her suffering from a broken heart. :)

[breadandbutterfly]

At least you're getting to meet the boy - much better that he's not an unknown quantity.

[ExitPursuedByABogieMan]

I know him from years ago. He came down to meet me but was get shy. DD was in a very good mood this evening and even walked the dog with me. So all good at the moment!

[yourlittlesecret]

Then if /when they break up, you can remind her he was an arse really and prevent her suffering from a broken heart
Ooo, that's risky. They might be back together next day..

[scherazadey]

My parents wouldn't allow boyfriends in my bedroom but for some reason it was ok to be alone in the living room with the door shut! They never disturbed us so we got up to all sorts! All mine have their boy or girl friends in their room (DD's are 14 and 16 and DS 18). The older two I leave in perfect peace, DD 14 I would shout out to every so often or take in clean laundry :-)

[bigTillyMint]

I think things can vary a lot depending on the girl/boy involved.

DD(14) had a proper boyfriend last year. We did allow them upstairs with the bedroom door open, or with DS playing gooseberry, and AFAIK nothing at all happened.
However, the reason for them splitting was him being keen on stepping things up when she didn't want to. The fall-out wasn't good for DD - you can't prevent them getting hurt

[meditrina]

My teens are boys. And show no sign of interest in girls.

But I think when the day comes we'll go for the open door option. I wouldn't be deliberately checking on them, and I don't think you can stop a teen with a fixed intent on experimentation (whether snogfest or more). But you can slow them down a bit.

And I think the presence of younger siblings moving round the house would do that quite satisfactorily.

Or, looking at it another way, if you don't have awkward parental diktats, you don't get the extra frisson of breaking them (remembers own teen days )

[bigTillyMint]

Meditrina, if they are 16 when they want to bring a girl into their room, it's not so much of a problem as when they are 13 - count yourself lucky that they aren't interested yet.

[meditrina]

< sticks fingers in ears and goes 'la la la' >

I'll encourage them to remain Minecraft addicts for as long as possible! (There's only one player known to be female on the server).

[lljkk]

Door open and handy little brothers making lots of noise.