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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DS HAS TOLD ME HE IS BISEXUAL

28 replies

Blush12 · 08/06/2013 08:48

DS (15) has told me he is bisexual and has got feelings for a gay boy (16) whom he is friends with. I was shocked but hopefully I came across as understanding and supportive. I don't want to speak to any one in RL about this as even now I feel that I am breaking his trust. But I really need some advice as how to handle this.

OP posts:

isitsnowingyet · 08/06/2013 09:02

Not sure what to say really. I guess it's good that he feels he can trust you to tell you his feelings, and you can let him know that you are there to listen.

burberryqueen · 08/06/2013 09:05

at least he feels enough love and trust to confide in you which is great.
as for what to 'do' - well there is nothing to do really except try not to make a big deal of it and give him some leaflets on safe sex.

Bluestocking · 08/06/2013 09:06

Why do you need to "handle" it at all? You might want to remind him that he should be loving and respectful in all his sexual relationships with people of either sex, but otherwise, what difference does it make to you? I'm genuinely curious.

meditrina · 08/06/2013 09:09

Firstly, well done on having good communication with DS.

Secondly, you need to treat this as you would any fancying regardless of gender. Listen when he wants to talk, respect privacy when he doesn't, help him discover if it's crush from afar or if he wants to act, how to approach showing interest without undue risk of humiliation etc. Those all apply whatever sex of desired person.

You know that homophobia may complicate things in the wider peer group at school, but you don't want to burden him with that (though you may have to deal with it if it occurs). Tell him to be decent and fair in building relationships and hope for the best.

CuttedUpPear · 08/06/2013 09:10

I agree. It's nothing to shout about. Just make sure he understands what safe sex entails.

OddSockMonster · 08/06/2013 09:11

That's great he's happy to talk with you about it. Just let him know he can talk about whatever he wants / needs to, don't be judgemental (sounds like you aren't) and I guess be there in case he ever gets any negative comments from his peers or anyone else.

FrauMoose · 08/06/2013 09:11

I think this one will be no big deal for some parents, but for those who are more conventional and/or conservative and/or have assumed their children will be heterosexual, get married have 2.3 kids, there's a bit of adjusting to do.

Maybe there are some useful contacts on www.pflag.co.uk/localsupport.htm

WeAreEternal · 08/06/2013 09:19

I think it says great things about your parenting and your relationship that he feels comfortable enough to tell you something like this.

I have friends who have known they were bisexual/gay since their early teens but never felt able to tell their parents whom they have otherwise fantastic relationships with.

You don't need to handle it, the fact that he may be bisexual doesn't change who he is.

bamboostalks · 08/06/2013 09:26

I think the fact that's he's speaking to you means that he is. Looking for guidance and advice. 15 is very young to embark on sexual relationships with either sex never mind both. He's confused and overwhelmed. Remind him to be safe and not to be coerced into anything.

Original poster

Blush12 · 08/06/2013 09:46

Sorry that came across wrong saying handle it, I meant handle it in the aspect of peers saying things to upset him etc as obviously I want to protect him as much as possible. As I know not everyone is as open minded as me and with him being my youngest I just wanted to protect him from any negative comments he may get in future sorry

i will always be supportive and give a balanced view as he will always be my baby we also had the safe sex talk etc and he says yes he knows about that and feelings as they discuss at school in sex eduction.

I am quite lucky that both my DS seem to speak to me quite openly about sex and feelings.

OP posts:

Januarymadness · 08/06/2013 09:49

You cant protect him from others. You just need him to know that they are the ones that are wrong and not him. He is better than ok exactly how he is.

Branleuse · 08/06/2013 09:52

Theres nothing to handle. Its his love life.
I would talk to him about the age of consent and self esteem, and also STDs.

remind him that STDs are much more common in men who have sex with men, and that condoms are not optional

WarmAndSunny · 08/06/2013 09:57

OP you sound lovely and well done to you and your son for having a very open relationship. Have a looks at stonewall and www.youngstonewall.org.uk/ for both of you.

cory · 08/06/2013 11:52

Seems like you're doing great. Of course you can't protect him in the sense that he will never have to hear anything nasty.

But you are protecting him by making him feel accepted and good about himself and showing him that there is someone he can always talk to. Imagine how vulnerable he would feel if he didn't have that.

Life isn't about the things that happen to us: it's about how we deal with them. You are giving him the very best tools.

bowlingforsoup · 08/06/2013 18:22

Give him advice on emotional sides of relationships regardless of his partner being male or female. Make sure he knows about safe sex.

I may be wrong, but is sex between two males not illegal under the age of 18?

EarthMither · 08/06/2013 18:29

No, the age of consent was equalised in 2001.

bowlingforsoup · 08/06/2013 18:32

Thanks EarthMither i didnt know that

Original poster

Blush12 · 08/06/2013 22:00

Thank you warm for the website.

Thank you everyone for you words,

OP posts:

Oblomov · 08/06/2013 22:22

He is only 15 and yet has the maturity to talk to you about being being bi. I think this is a compliment to him and you.
He is still very young, but lets hope his 'path' - his relationships and his experiences of people treating him, when they find out, is a smooth as possible.

Original poster

Blush12 · 08/06/2013 23:34

Thank you Oblomov. I hope his path is as smooth as possible that's what's worrying me

OP posts:

OddBoots · 08/06/2013 23:41

My ds is nearly 14, we've had a chat and he thinks he's straight but we've agreed that if he wants a physical relationship with another male we'd arrange a private HPV vaccination for him. That may not be something you or he would want but I thought I'd mention it in case it hasn't crossed your mind.

Devora · 08/06/2013 23:42

PFLAG are really good, Blush. Give them a try.

Original poster

Blush12 · 09/06/2013 00:07

Thank you boots not even thought that far but I will bear that in mind.

I will look in to them Devora thank you.

OP posts:

CatsCantFlyFast · 09/06/2013 00:14

Be proud he could talk to you. Make it 'nothing', ie ensure he still feels normal tomorrow. Be happy and supportive of his choices. I hope sincerely in the future if I have a son that he can talk to me in this way

ProtegeMoi · 09/06/2013 02:33

Don't make a big deal of it.

Be prepared for him to tell you he is gay.

A lot of gay teens (myself included) will come out as bisexual before admitting they are gay as it seems less scary.

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