Can I MAKE my 14 year old dd go to summer camp if she doesn't want to?

[Spidermama]

Here's the background.
DH is going away for seven and a half weeks in the summer holidays.
I work mon-fri, 5am until 12pm.
I have four children aged 8, 11, 13 and 14.

I'll need a break. So I've booked a holiday camp for the kids which looks really great. They'd all go to the same camp for one week.

The problem is that my 14 year old DD says she won't go. She's insisting. She points out, quite correctly, that I can't drag her out of the house.

She's very shy. Actually I know this would be great for her and I think it's just what she needs: A week doing kayaking, canoeing, zip wiring, crafts, archery, camping etc etc etc. It would be a great chance for her to leave the lip gloss and straighteners at home and just BE!

But she won't. And I've paid the deposit.

Having a week to myself is the only thing that's keeping me going and I won't cope without it.

What would you do?

I'd be inclined to negotiate with her & give her a choice of going to camp or: staying with granny, a week of extra maths tuition, hard manual labour (eg cleaning/painting etc) at home.

I tend to do that quite a bit with mine - offer them one slightly less palatable option over a really awful option & lo & behold they go for the first option!

What I wouldn't do, is let her stay at home for a week with the lip gloss & straighteners!

I understand you feel you need a break but how could you enjoy any break knowing that she'll be there feeling unhappy?

She's sounds a quiet sort of person. She's said thanks but no thanks and still you went ahead and paid the deposit

Pushing her to do something that's totally not her thing because it's convenient to you but dressed up as 'doing her good'. Awful.

do you REALLY think you were old enough to know your own mind at 14?
i was a total idiot at that age, and for a good few years beyond. talked a good game, of course, but i look back and know that so much of my reluctance to do things was just fear of failure.

My DD (13) would probably refuse to go on something like this, but if it was a week's riding holiday she would be there like a shot. Is there something she would prefer?

'do you REALLY think you were old enough to know your own mind at 14?'

Yes, I knew.

I knew my own mind at 14 - but what I knew wasn't necessarily the best thing for me.

Going off to camp for 5 days is not like being sold into slavery or going into service (turn back the clock 100 yrs) or anything really, really awful. I'm sure if Spidermama's daughter goes & utterly hates it, Spidermama would probably not force her to go thereafter - but if she never tries it, she is losing out the opportunity to possibly have lots of fun.

My parents started to send me to camps or the UK to learn English when I was 13. Did I feel unloved? God, no!
Do you need to learn how t force yourself into a new/different environment? Yes.

In my limited experiences the fun much outweighed the angst of meeting new people.

And she is 14, it's one week out of 7 weeks of holidays. She does what her mother deems better for the whole family.

you would NEVER have forgiven her? i mean really... that even sounds adolescent...

Well, the fact is that the OP needs one precious week off. So it's about how to negotiate that.

that, and as a mother she feels that it would greatly benefit her daughter to be shaken out of her comfort zone... i don't think it's reasonable to discount that, tbh.

Yes, I have to say I have forced my admittedly younger DD2 into stuff (mainly musical activities) about which she wept...and which is now something she absolutely loves doing.

Maybe she would be more enthused if a friend went too.

But tbh if you want her to just 'BE' then allow that, not another's version of what she should be.

This is being dressed up as what's good for her, when really it's about shipping her out for the week regardless of her feelings on the matter because its convenient.

Still we live in a world geared around extroverts and by gum they're all out to 'cure' the rest of us at any cost, because of course being 'shy' is an affliction after all.

yes, i imagine spidermama doesn't like her child one bit and would prefer her to be totally different, that's probably it. i also imagine she barely knows her at all, or what's best for her.

All the shy/introverted people I know hate it and wish they weren't.

We have all noticed that said 14 year old has a 13 year old sibling who will be going too? I mean it's a summer camp not a gulag. They can snog boys and generally arse around.

I too think if you're so shy you find engaging with other people a major problem then that is a bit of an affliction, yes.

Snogging and arsing around sounds terrific. Wish I could have a week of it, frankly.

bribe her

I have a 14 year old dd and had a similar issue last summer. I wanted her to go to the camp her youth club were going too, but she was too shy as non of her friends from the club were going so I didn't make her. I wanted her to go not for childcare reasons but because I thought she would have had a great time once she was there.
If I were you (as a mum of four dc myself ) I would relish the opportunity to have some one to one time with your dd.

Shy and introverted aren't necessarily the same thing but it's often lumped together. And I've never found it to be a hindrance.

Well only when fending off the well intentioned (maybe) attempts of extroverts who simply won't accept we're not all longing to be like them.

at MI!!!!! Me too - specially the snogging bit. Ages since I had a really good snog.

What about if you start now by ordering them to do boot camp at 5am, then cleaning, no screens ever etc. then summer camp will seem like something to look forward to.

Tsk, tsk Jima - those expeditions are supposed to be unsupervised to qualify for a DofE Award!