Can I MAKE my 14 year old dd go to summer camp if she doesn't want to?

[Spidermama]

Here's the background.
DH is going away for seven and a half weeks in the summer holidays.
I work mon-fri, 5am until 12pm.
I have four children aged 8, 11, 13 and 14.

I'll need a break. So I've booked a holiday camp for the kids which looks really great. They'd all go to the same camp for one week.

The problem is that my 14 year old DD says she won't go. She's insisting. She points out, quite correctly, that I can't drag her out of the house.

She's very shy. Actually I know this would be great for her and I think it's just what she needs: A week doing kayaking, canoeing, zip wiring, crafts, archery, camping etc etc etc. It would be a great chance for her to leave the lip gloss and straighteners at home and just BE!

But she won't. And I've paid the deposit.

Having a week to myself is the only thing that's keeping me going and I won't cope without it.

What would you do?

[Cerisier]

I have a 14YO too and she certainly knows her own mind. We discuss holidays a great deal so that everyone gets to do things they want even if it means splitting up sometimes. We find it works well for us.

I think you need to discuss the options with DD and DH. Could she stay at home with you for the week so you can spend a couple of afternoons out together? Plus she can help with the chores in the mornings.

Then could she fly to join her DF for two weeks at some point in the holiday? Would she be happy to entertain herself a bit while he was at work- she could then have a special adventure with DF.

[PostBellumBugsy]

"All expeditions must be unaccompanied and self-sufficient" - point no2 of the 20 conditions of meeting a DofE Expedition.

So, yes I do think that 14 year olds are sent out alone on expeditions (although it doesn't have to be the wilds of Dartmoor).

[AitchTwoOhOneTwo]

but just to bring this back to the actual OP for a second, rather than people's own traumatic experiences at the hands of 'well intentioned (maybe)' extroverts... the child did have a great time at similar activities before. According to Spidey...
"I really do think she'd enjoy it. She loved gorge walking in Wales and really seemed to relax and shed the teenage angst. She did rock climbing, sip wiring and thoroughly enjoyed it.
Now she mooches around pouting and trying different lip glosses."

[AitchTwoOhOneTwo]

gosh jimalfie... maybe your mother should have taught her teenager better manners back when she was letting you do whatever you wanted.

[motherinferior]

Actually, Spidermama, I think quite seriously you should get your DH and your DD1 to sort this out between them.

I've just realised just how much of my time goes on sorting out holiday cover, and it looks like yours is too, and Life Is Too Short. Lock them in a room together and tell them they can come out when they've worked out something that suits everyone.

[PostBellumBugsy]

@ Jima - possibly not, but at least I can spell practice correctly when used as a noun & remain polite to posters who annoy me!

[MrsFlorrick]

OP. you def. need a break!! With 4 D and you dH away. Yes you deserve more than a week. I only have two and am barely managing to stay above water.

I think giving two options: camp or granny in Dorset is excellent. Not only does she feel she has a choice (important at 14) but she may actually be happier spending a quiet week with her granny than jumping around the wild at a camp.

Fwiw. I was forced on summer camps by my parents. For entirely different (and much less valid reasons - my mother wanted time alone with her new husband - her 3rd!). It wasn't good. It didn't make me less shy at all.

Bearing in mind that this was in the early 1980s and in France, what went on at those camps means I would never ever send my teenage daughter (or son) to something like that. The camp "leaders" were basically uni students all the summers i went. One summer, one of the male camp leaders slept with two of the girls (he was 20 they were 14). I was introduced to alcohol and cannabis at 12 at camp. One year the female camp leader brought cannabis for us all to smoke (it kept us quiet at night!).

As I said this was in France and in the 1980s so things in the UK will no doubt be different But still the idea terrifies me !

[AitchTwoOhOneTwo]

excellent plan, MI. duck out now, Spidey.

[oscarwilde]

Hmm - no response as yet so I am guessing that your 14 yr old is notionally in charge at home from whatever time they all get up at until you get in at 12, and will be for the 6 weeks of hersummer holidays.

As the eldest in my very large family I was usually in this position even though my Mum was an SAHM. I was "in charge" when she went out on errands, disappeared to the neighbours for hours for a gossip, went away for the weekend with my Dad etc etc. You get the picture. It was the 70's/early 80's and by the time I was 13, my parents were perfectly comfortable to depart for 5 days and leave me with 5+ to look after. It was a total pain, totally impacted my relationship with my siblings in a negative way and has massively formed my character and approach to life generally.

I am of the "I've paid for it and if you honestly give it a go, I think you'll enjoy it" brigade. 14 is still v young to be allowed to opt out of activities and family life generally. Even a shy child in the right setting can be encouraged out of their shell and it is within your power to request that she is treated sensitively and not just given the standard jolly hockey sticks approach.

That said - I do think you are being VERY unreasonable. You can't expect her to be the adult in the house for 7 hrs per day, 6 weeks in a row and then treat her as a small child and not consult with her on your plans for your week off from the kids. That week is effectively her only week off too. If I was being sent on a residential trip with my siblings I would still feel responsible for them even if there were other adults around. In loco parentis totally. If she doesn't consider it to be a fun activity then I wouldn't force her to go.

I think that you should apologise to her, sincerely. Then explain you would really like the week off to yourself and ask if she would prefer to go to your Mum's. Then I would have a chat to your Mum to ask if she would come to stay for some of the holidays so that your daughter doesn't feel like the responsible party all of the time. The activity people should be willing to switch the deposit to the balance due. You are still sending 3 kids their way.

[SgtTJCalhoun]

I can only imagine all of you going on about snogging were snoggable teenagers or have forgotten how awful it felt to be an unconfident, unattractive teenager who no boy would have considered snogging, ever! Honestly some of you sound clueless.

[Verycold]

Spot on oscarwilde

[Francagoestohollywood]

I never snogged when I went to these camps/UK. I was shy, to begin with and anxious about loosing stuff, not to mention the fist time I went to England terrified of not understanding a single word.
But I did have lots of fun. And yes, I did learn that you can deal with situations better than you expected before trying.

[Crumbledwalnuts]

I would bribe her too. I understand the "week to yourself". Grandma's if not summer camp.

[PostBellumBugsy]

SgtT, I wasn't very snogable as an early teen. MI & I fancy the arsing around snogging bit now as proper grown ups!

To be honest, a day filled with activities that I just had to pitch up to would be bliss. No organising anyone, worrying that they did or didn't like it, not really an issue if I was a bit rubbish at it and if I really didn't feel like doing it, I could say my ankle was a bit sore or I had a headache & sit at the side unlike when you are a parent & no one gives a toss if you have a sore ankle or a headache.

God, youth is wasted on the young!

[oscarwilde]

Ah - I see you are a journalist and therefore quite possibly work from home. 4 kids underfoot for 6+ weeks is likely to be pretty hardcore in that case, though plenty of late evening movie sessions might help them to sleep in until a civilised hour. How receptive is your Mum to two at a time one week on, one week off ?

What you really need is a Gaeltacht. In Ireland it's a rite of passage to be shipped off to a rural Irish speaking area for a 3 week period, staying with a local family crammed in bunkbeds 4 to a box room and eating nothing but beans and fishfingers while attending morning school in the holidays and playing basketball etc in the afternoons, conversing in Irish all the time on pain of expulsion. School hols are 3 months long though at second level unless it's an exam year so it could be worse

The week you have arranged sounds far preferable to me but if you are going to be out at work/relying on your eldest heavily to keep order with the boys I do think you are being unfair not to have treated her in a more adult fashion. My parents were great in that regard, but nonetheless it is only 20 yrs after I left home that I have normalish sibling relationships though I still tell them what to do all the time according to my DH

[LoveMyTeens]

If it were me I'd let her stay at home and have some quality mother-daughter time. Book her a free make-up session and take her shopping and out for lunch. She's at the age when she isn't sure if she's a child or a grown-up, and she probably thinks you don't want her around. Then, when DH is back, book YOURSELF on a holiday with friends! Win-win in my book

[felicity1971]

Wow I joined this site hoping to get some good advice on my younger teens but its full of arsey do gooders correcting other peoples grammar and trying to prove points which are totally irrelevant to the thread (PostBellumBugsy). Jimalfie you sound great and I think your response was totally justified, what a bunch of self satisfied losers......rant over.

[PostBellumBugsy]

Ah Felicity - welcome to Mumsnet. Always good to see a new poster getting stuck in with the insults!

[SgtTJCalhoun]

What ALL of us felicity?

[TanteRose]

Wow, felicity...

You OK?

[bigTillyMint]

I agree tha tyou most definitely need a week off from your DS, but how to make a 14yo go on a week away?

I would have jumped at the chance with both feet, but DD(soon to be 14) would only go if she was going with a friend, and she is a very outgoing, sporty, friendly teen

MI is right, of course - get your DH and DD to sort it out!

[felicity1971]

No not all of you! There are lots of lovely supportive posts from people genuinely trying to be helpful as well. Shame about the few idiots trying to dazzle us with their 'intelligence' though. My 12 year old DD off sick today finds it very funny, says she thought girls grew out of bitching by adulthood :-)

[ExitPursuedByABear]

That's Mumsnet for you.